The last day of the year, a little melancholy. Is there much left to do to change the upcoming year?

The Vampire Diaries still on?

Command through me, and you shall just be severely punished for your transgressions as I have been.

1.2.3. Before you know it, things have flashed right before your eyes, just like the time you live on borrowed form.

What more is there to assault, that you haven't already?

Somber and amber, willing through the fire, forge under the direst of them all. How shall I crack your skull?

Erase

Computer as a solace is a scary idea, one that is disturbing and reverberates through my soul, into condemnation.

The whirring sound of mistakes in a circular cycle, relentlessly reminding me, I am not sure if it's possible to break out.

Sighs, and breaths, slowly it will rebalance itself says the wise. But when? How? Will there be such a day in my life?

The day of the dead of the winter. Longest night to torment me viciously in so many hours.

The voice on the other end of the line seems disturbed, even more so, considering its my own.

Atonement and repentance are things expected of sinners like us. But who decides we are the sinners. Who decides how we atone and repent? 

Coffee tasted something, once upon a time. What it is now…is beyond any kind of imagination. Definitely surpasses mine.

Words collide, mine, on a daily basis. The parallels cease to exist and an imagination once robust and living, have withered into the snow, melting away underneath the winter sun.

Edging towards insanity with all of these screams in my ears, constantly echoing into the future and past, colliding at my present to leave me immobile and incompetent

Sips of coffee, is the caffeine enough to jolt the chambers of my heart?

Heart…nothing but four chambers

Weeks climb this race, throughout the year, without a rest. Where is my rest? Peace of mind and the stillness I acquire?

Hold on, in a day it will get better. Some miracle, surely will appear out of no where.

I like the stillness of the morning, so early still. Quiet. Redemptive. Almost hope budding. Then slowly the veil of the night is lifted to reveal the beauty of the morning. The flowers open, Sun slowly climbs up the horizon, slowly, but determined. At that point, I like drawing my blanket up, curling on my old mattress and close my eyes to another day.

We'll always come back to the originating source of our pain, for no matter what, this is the limit of our capacity, our inability to move on. Fate laughs at us now, the very same Fate we thought had our back.

Lies, Lies, Lies, all of them chained, to the first unchanged principle/cause, whatever you want to call it. Hatred is supposed to simmer down, slowly dissipate, instead the more it keeps simmering, the volume keeps increasing, reaching violent palpitations and leniencies.

The snow keeps piling up, as if telling me to bury all of my secrets, deep, into the center of the Earth.

The screams of an infant assails my hearing, and though envious, a little bizarre.

At least, at this point in the season, there is an abundance of cheer that seems impossible to withdrawn it all, though it too will come to a depletion. Weather up North is unbearable, freezing, and desolate. Everyone becomes isolated within their homes, glued to their computers and T.V.s and holding their breaths until, Spring once again comes forth. That's about four months from now on, that's eternity. 

Where is the outpouring of all these creative juices that's been building in my pensive and primiparous state? All of these upending, culminating in the apex of my pain, surely out to manifest themselves in one way or another.

All's well, they keep saying. The voices in my head keep getting jumbled up and the sanity seems like a scarce moment between two opposing eternities that seem to take over in a brief glance and lost with it as I board the bus for the torment of daily toils.

The End

Maybe, one day, the time will come where we can plan like regular people, with plans, time table, budget and that it would mostly work out at the end.

Safer

The more I try to catch up, more there seems to be resistance, holding me back in the depths of the abyss, I never truly want to leave anyway. It's safer here. I already know my demons, no need to go in search of more.

Dogum Gunun Kutlu Olsun

S' Dogum gunun kutlu olsun. Nice mutlu yillara, ve sen hep o guzel yurekli, en guzel ruhunla kal.

Well, this the end of the month, and the hope also seems to be at its end, as considering I've depleted it all.

Oh, right…Thanksgiving…It kind of slipped my mind.

Maybe, my luck will also turn around. But I no longer can go on with this family. I just can't. They're cheap, antagonizing, rude and disrespectful. My head hurts and I just want to forget it all with a mouthful of red.

I need purposes. I just can't seem to find any, and I am not even mentioning my ability to believe in anything, including my own existence.

Slowly does it I keep telling myself. But how slow, for how much longer, and how much further? There seems to be no definition of the slow and the distance needed to travel, I am desolate and barren, left to hope with no tunnel in sight.

All these songs, lullabies and rhymes, slowly grow pungent and extreme, steepening already deep wounds and anger.

I've went ahead and done it again. What else is there left, really? Am I this despicable? I can't recognize this ambition to own within myself.

Gone and out, how much more shame will I accumulate throughout this ordeal, until the consumerist in me is satisfied? Do we all fall into these traps, or is my own weakness of being left without the clothes off my back?

Insight.

Insight, insight, insight, I drilled into my head…insight to what? Where is the insight to anything. Since when has anything made any sense at all?

Hovering all these feelings, I don't think it's possible to feel free under these circumstances with the burden of the sinner, in guilt we'll swim.

Tis the end, this the end, this the end, of my journey, of hopes and long lost love.

We've all come to the forks of the roads, the detours and the no outlets. The problem isn't encountering them, the problem is reacting to them.

And, if once upon a time, someone told me of what I had done, I wouldn't have believed it.

What's the idea of holding on? It's all a mystery and socially constructed anyway. There is no point to this suffering.

Gone with the wind, out the window and the door, into the while, where once I came from.

WE should old be counting ounces.

Love and Lust

How many poets have considered the relationship, and the partnership, some concluding its toxicity, some applauding its pangs of change and betterment. What if they never were the same, but really are one and the same?

No longer

Last of these, really, because i will no longer be posting on a blog. Creativity and thoughts have been polluted.

There will be a time even for this to end…eventually, in the brim of spring.

Pining

Some are only perilous to the sufferings of others. Pining does no good. Eventually we select the end we desire, by the decisions we've made every step of the way. But what if we weren't conscious about our decisions, their consequences, or the existence, possibility of another lifestyle? How responsible are we then?

March

Its a Monday and I can't help but imagine a cold March with ten inches of snow on the ground, the last remnants of snow before the advent of spring as the sun shines brilliantly and the birds have started humming.

What will be, will be. What is the use of worry?

Little fingers, webbing in front of my eyes, only my heart swells and aches, lost in the mirrors of life.

Today, I want to Dream

Sun is a little warm…perhaps it feels that way to me. Maybe I'd just rather imagine today and delve in my what ifs…today…I want to Dream.

Savoring the Pain

Done, and through, thorough the pain. Leave it behind, the voice screams. My bones, cage them in and hold on, to each and single mistake, savoring the pain. It won't be gone with the wind and we'll swim in this polluted lake as it grows darker and dirtied.

All We Have

Repeats, circles, wrong turns and labyrinths is all we have. No matter what, we'll never get far enough that we can leave our pasts behind. So, we'll keep coming to what we have, stuck in this field of regrets, always with the red yarn of fate tied to our individual pinkies, we'll suffer in multitudes as our sorrow grows in each others chest pains, where palpitations of the heart will take us to the other side, only in our dreams. Even then, that will be cut short by a nightmare.

I no longer can picture anything in my arms. Isn't that sad?

Inherited Love

Maybe in due time, it is possible to be able to leave this behind, even if not in the past. I do not think that is possible in my lifetime. Maybe if I had dozens of lifetimes, that could be said for it then, I suppose. However, right now, maybe accepting the fact and reconciling myself with my actions is the only peace I will ever find on this earth. If so, until then, all I can do is perhaps, one step at a time, try to move toward a future, even if I am not able to believe in it entirely, but so that there maybe times where the pain is less acute and my guilt lessoned by the love I have inherited from your chest.

Maybe, now there are nudges to feel better, at times, when all seems a little more bearable and I seem feed up with the way I've been treated at work.

November

Has it been so? Really? Already? One can sometimes close one's eyes and when the eyes are opened again, it is another world entirely and so much passage of time has occurred, it becomes difficult to account everything. Transaction seems to be lost, withdrawn, or forgotten. I don't know which one is worst.

But here's to a soft November, where my heart's ache will cease, even if temporarily under its warm glow.

Anticipating Thanksgiving

What a roller coaster this year has been. I can hardly even think back as far as January and all the trials we've had to face and the endurance that seems to be keeping us going. Throwing more embers into the fire seems to work continually in our case.

It is officially November, which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner with an expected average American's day and hectic life. Days do go by faster here, as we try to pile up so much into our days. It's almost mechanic.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. It is my biggest desire of the month to have a nice turkey dinner with some friends, some good wine and great, cheap, from Target accessories. A little orange there, a little yellow here and a bit of brown in front of us. I plan on going all the way, with the cranberry sauce, to homemade gravy, to the pumpkin pie and little notes of thanks.

Thanksgiving, here I come, in anticipation of happiness, embrace me warmly and cheaply!

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!


Enjoy your spooky night with little trolls, ghosts and witches as they have the thrill of their lives!

All this force, this pushing, this exaggerating,  and overwhelming the soul. Slowly ruining any kind of lustre I might have had at some point in time.

I do not like people who are mean to their kids and torture their step children in various way, isolating and shunning them.

Who Cares

Coffee in my mug is stale,
Grown tired of cleaning the teapot,
who cares about the egg pan,
So let's just disappear into the night.

New Beginnings

For the sake of writing and fulfilling a promise I have given myself, I will write until the end of this old, whitened and cursed year. But I no longer will be writing in this journal from the beginning of 2014. So much has accumulated here, I just can't get myself to continually write on here after that.

Even if I do not want to, I have to strive for a new beginning so that I may at least pick up the pieces and try to exist, even if in a miserable state. So I need lines and lines between my recent past and the present for the sake of a future…even for the possibility of the future.

Postman

Postman, stop bringing me mail I do not desire to open.

Promises of Future

I want to do more, but ah, at last, the shackling insecurities, skills with gaps, no certifications to prove, we'll all be damned, and especially I, until the end of the time. Nothing has changed, nothing will. We'll just drag ourselves until our time here is completed, hoping for a better future than the one promised to us here on earth.

Mirrors of Value

Truth, mirrored in our own values and how we seek to see them, it all gets blurred along the way being trapped between the wall and the mirrors ornately designed, examined and explained.

We'll start again, and continue to grow in detail, increasing in the number of things that need explaining, but we'll always fall into the same trap.

Reaper

Waiting, patiently, to load, to secure, to learn, to procure…but all I am doing is waiting, waiting until the day of destiny comes knocking on my door to rip my soul apart from my body, and leave me more lifeless than I am now.

Havens

As always, finding myself, beside myself, and you realize, if you don't make it go away, nobody else can. No matter how much they might care, and may want the very best for you, your shattered heart and soul that can't seem to find peace, all he or she can provide is temporary relief from the pain. The world continues to spin, despite your woes. A little bit of haven is promised within the right person, but at the end of it all, you've got to create it and give it to yourself, because even that haven will whimper and wilt, if you are not actively engaged in bettering it. People, will let go eventually and so will your haven.

So, until then, all we can do is, struggle with ourselves until the time of acceptance comes.

Dis...

Once upon a times and happily ever afters are all lies, no longer content and able to stretch into the modern day, we're all disenfrenchasized, seeking refuge seeking hope and warmth in all the wrong places, with all the wrong people.

Apologize

I don't know where to begin. These wounds, keep opening and I am only raging, and can't seem to find one nice thing about myself. Frustration is about all I have.

This Skin.

This hovering won't get out of my chest, my thoughts plagued and only the decay of the soul is the heaviest, as I will continue to whither away, with nothing by the skin I am in.

Here we are. Another day, another hurt, another wound, just piling up. I can't seem to get my grip on the world. One thing after another, they keep slipping from my hands.

Darkness

The darkness completes my morbid soul that's been torturing my flesh. Where else is a doomed woman to hide?

Silence

How come this deafening silence is the only peace I could find in this world?

Goals

It's good to have goals, at the very least it keeps you going when there is absolutely nothing else you can do.

Blizzard

Middle of the October already, in this purple haze, I am not sure how the time finds the courage to move on, keep ticking and allowing us to spin ourselves out of control, leaving all the happiness and warmth behind, into the future of a blizzard where nothing can stand alive at the end.

I am continually pedaling, pedaling towards a future, catch up, but I can't do it without stopping often to catch my breath. I'll never get there, no, not this way.

Don't Ask

Quiet, and solitude is all I seek. Just to drown in my own mistakes and dwell on the what ifs. It will not change anything, but doing anything other than this is impossible. Don't ask me to forget and live.

Slithering words

Fickle movements, and the anger that just can't be contained within my vessel. Words that slither out and in return fill your soul with sadness. I just can't help myself, and although this is no excuse I am at the end of my rope, unable to amend my wounds, or yours.

Winter

It's cold already, nearly impossible to do anything and it's only October. I have a hunch that this winter will be cold and long. I can see myself just being dragged and hoping for the advent of Spring. Counting down to the days.

This is meant to be my time of the year, where I enjoy the weather, pumpkin picking, making delicious fall recipes and hang up the festivities. Instead I am worried about the fast approaching winter that I will be barren.

Labels

I've been trying to continually publish on here. As dark as the state of my mind has been. It has been proven to me, continually that when I use labels to describe my blog posts, they attract more attention. Some more than others…On the other hand, when I don't attach any, though, all I have left is a big fat zero. Sometimes there is a cute 1, but that's about it.

As humankind, we're intimately invested in labels, the superficial observation, knowledge, and understanding. Just enough to know whether the other is like us or different. We don't care why, how, and in what ways. We just care whether the other is different and if it can be assimilated. If not, then why spend my time here? Let's move on. Collectively, throughout many cultures, this has been our pattern of dealing with others.

So, let's keep labeling away, while attracting some and on the other hand, isolating others.

October

October has to be my favorite month. Though I am not exactly looking forward to November. Though my parents will be coming in for a visit, that I am extremely excited about. So welcome October! Welcome and bring me comfort, peace and virtue. Bring me your fortune and hopefulness towards a silent winter that holds my glues together, instead of coming undone.

Canceled Publish a Novel Class

I was supposed to take a Publish a Novel Class at MATC in October, but it seems that it is canceled and we really don't know why, at least I don't. The lady who called to tell me this, couldn't say why.

It's a bit disappointing, and I wish I was able to go. I was counting on this class in combination to the work shop to push me further in my writing.

Madison's Writer Workshop

In late Summer, I've joined a writer's critique group. This works for me, because it's to critique the work someone already has. Both writing for a group and learning to critique is great exercises for a writer.

They're a great bunch, the organizers especially seem well informed and with a gentle steering guide the group. I am so relieved and happy to be connecting with other writers in Madison, finally.

Weekend with Your Novel

http://continuingstudies.wisc.edu/conferences/weekendwithyournovel/workshops.html

As I was searching the net for workshops around and in Madison, this is what I came across. Considering that this will be my first workshop to attend, it feels reasonable and is on the cheaper side. So, why not do something like this?

It seems like a great opportunity and voice is something a writer reaches after a lot of struggle.

Capitol Centre Apartments

We've been living here for about almost three months.

I love it here, truly. The management is nice, maintenance is quick and its location is great. We're even closer to State St. than before. The Laundry and work out room is great, though I don't use the gym as often as the laundry room.

The apartments are well maintained, well cleaned and are absolutely adorable. I am so glad we made the move here.

Halloween Cards

I bought the most awesome Halloween Cards today at Target.They come as a pack of 8 and along side with that I bought stickers. I plan to give them out to the family I nanny for, our physicians and our property managers, along with some friends and people we use their services often.

It's a nice gesture and even more so, a wonderful way to celebrate Halloween :)

Now, to write them all!

Movie Selections

S and I love watching movies together. In a usual week we probably watch about two weeks and on the weekends, additional 2-4. There are times where we watch two movies back to backs on weekends, which allows us to catch up.

While we watch a lot of new releases, I try hard to look over our DVD Que in Netflix and try to includes movies that have become part of American Modern Culture, movies it's inspired and inspired from. Now that Halloween is near, I've switched up our que quite a bit by including classics like "The Shining" and "Sleepy Hallow". This isn't simply because of Halloween though. I love thrillers and enjoy a good horror movie. Someone who loves the works of Edgard Allan Poe surely appreciates the darker, more unsettling emotions with eerie movies, ominous settings and complex characters with wounds suffered in their past.

Warm Apple Ciders and a good Horror Movie. Life is good.

Hello, October

It's October. Really it's here. Much to my disbelief and shock.
I can't believe what a summer it has been and that we've been recovering, trying to survive.

Nonetheless, it's October. Fall is officially here as of September 22nd and I have been loving it. Autumn is my favorite season of the year and I usually can't have the fall long enough. The leaves changing color, the lattes are the part everyone likes about Autumn. I like the ability to calm down, get together and the inspiring mood it puts me into write. The ability to appreciate and create cozy corners in the house and in my heart to appreciate the people who are in it and make lasting memories with awesome people whether it is apple picking, pumpkin carving or Halloween parties.

I am at a great open critique group which I enjoy and have come to make some friends. Having writer friends was the best decision I could have made. I wonder why I waited so long to foster these relationships? I am back to taking classes, even if they are online and free ones. I am back to reading and writing at a steady pace. I am trying to make these more regular once again. I will be taking a publishing course at the Madison College and will be attending several U.W. Mini Courses. I am excited for October. So much change, so much positivity that I am hoping that things will become great habits and they will continue into the winter, holding me fast and tight where I am, bound and committed to my work.

I also having to watch over two children, aged 4 and 8 have done wonders both for my imagination and the feelings of responsibility. I also pack more for my day and try to be better for myself.

Hello October. I am glad you're here.

Notebook Worms of Madison

I've created my own writer's critique group from my UW Mini Course class. So far we've only gathered once, but I am working hard on putting it together and putting it on the map of the internet. If we could get some feedback, that would be great!

Fall

The rain is incessant and my heart trembles under the vast azure sky. It's been several months and by any measurement provided via internet, I should be over, and running up and down, just resuming my life where I left it off. Has it ever been that easy for anybody?

I doubt it, enormously.  I am not going to apologize for grieving.

Blank

Broken, plastered and pasted back. Broken again and mended through sticks, stones, and gauze pads. So now, I am finding it hard to happily continue on as if nothing happened, as if there isn't this harrowing hollow in the middle of my chest that awakens me in my deep sleep, in cold sweat and dulls out the lustre of all my passions, colors and words.

Education First

Here we are. One of the reasons why I adore and respect the parents of the children I am watching are their admiration of Education and their philosophy on being kid, but stern with their children.

The couple is made up of two amazing individuals who are hard workers, caring and respectful of others. They care immensely for their two children and worry about the future they could give them. In preparation, they take great care over their children's studies, cognitive development and learning through every day is the paradigm they have accepted. They have a large library devoted to children disciplining, children psychology, children education recommendations and such.

They cannot watch T.V. more than two hours a week, they can't be anything that is violent, repressed, oppressed or enhances the stratification between two genders.

They are taught to be always kind, respectful and to think for themselves. They are courteous and good hearted children.

What more could I ask?

Childcare Costs

Now that I have become a nanny and spend a lot of time with kids, I've come to appreciate stay at home moms, kindergarten teachers, other child care providers. I have to say, it is hard work. Although working with kids is enormously monumental and rewarding, it is also just as much frustrating, charting new territories. No matter how much you've got theoretical knowledge, and in most cases even practical experience, each child is difference and things vary from baby to baby, child to child. I believe that care providers deserve each penny they receive. But should this be the only choice families have for their children? Either stay at home, watch your children or have a big portion of pay check go directly to child care alone.

Governments, especially the U.S. government invests a lot of time and money in preventing access to birth control, free perinatal care, and banning abortion--something which women have used for centuries. Children are precious and each one of them is a miracle. However, taking care of children takes more than just a miracle here and there. So giving birth alone doesn't ensure the rights of a fetus/baby. Allowing said baby to flourish, grow, and become independent, individuals that had every opportunity to thrive and become his or her own person. This requires education and money. Also, a lot of help. When government turns its back on childcare, it does great disservice to families who are continuing on the next generation, however receive no help from others.

Article

Hi everyone,

I came across this article as I was surfing. I wanted to share this, so let me know what you think. read the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carey-polis/13-reasons-worst-person-lifestyle-blog_b_3745152.html?ir=Women&utm_campaign=081413&utm_medium=email&utm_source=Alert-women&utm_content=Photo

I guess I am a bit more handier than she is as I do like throw pillows, layering and cook from scratch for most of the meals. Whenever I go back and read some of my older posts though, I become more depressed then I usually am. It's really awful, but it's the truth. No wonder why my blog is not picking up. There is nothing of tidbits, hints, and some good advice that people usually get on blogs for. I am more depressed then when I began today.

TESOL TEACHING

As our lives changed with us meeting with one another, so our lives changed once more when we decided to get married and yet once more we found our lives at a turning point when we realized we could not stay here as long as we first planned to. Since then S and I have been thinking about what different things we could be doing, and how things would turn out when we go. What kind of a life could we expect and more importantly, what could I expect to be doing, earning life?

One of our options seems to be English Teaching. As far as my research goes, the jobs are plenty right now and the pay isn't great, but it definitely is decent. It seems that gaining your certificate is possible quite easily for anyone who has a Bachelor's Degree.

So, it's time to wander in my options and see what kind of a world is out there.

Dreams and Nightmare.

And here we are, another day, another entry, and all I can do is look back, reminiscence and continue to trap myself further. Further into darkness, shattered hopes and the lost chance of achieving dreams. Dreams that have turned into a nightmare. There is a fine line between achieving dreams, and ruining them into nightmares.

I feel emptied out, and no longer with a sense of purpose and the once knowledge of knowing what it is that I was supposed to do in life, no longer arming me, I feel limp, left out and useless. Empty barrel, with all the oil pulled out of it, now no longer to anyone's use, because there is rust covering most of the surface.

I feel betrayed my own sense of equality, principles and not being able to claim myself as honest, it feels like the end of the world.

Dreams have turned into nightmare.

Autumnal Equinox

Happy Autumnal Equinox everyone!

Enjoy your nights getting longer and relearning to navigate through the dark, long and usually extremely busy nights.

For me, Autumn is the formal writing season, where I am able to tap onto my creative channels and produce several stories, poems and do some revisions ( I never do enough of  these).

Not to mention I love anything pumpkin and Halloween related! Fall, here I come!

Halloween Decorations

Hehe, I bought the cutest, cheapest Halloween Decorations available. I didn't go overboard, but its simple, without a particular theme, just pure Halloween Happiness.

Times like these, I adore Target. Their little dollar boxes, and affordable pieces throughout the store, makes my world go around.

Children

Children fascinate me. As long as I could remember they have been a soft spot of curiosity for me. Being the oldest grandchild of grandparents who has 5 children, all of which have their own children. As you can figure, I grew up among lots of babies and children. There were continually a new addition to our ever growing family.

Had I married much younger, early 20s, rather than mid 20s, I probably would have had children right away. Maybe its the feeling of infallibility youth gives you, maybe it's the blindness to the hard facts we get accustomed to as we age. But now, having a child seems like such a big commitment, I don't know if I'll ever made that decision.

Lack of Motivation.

So why did we all of this, go through these procedures, pain, and shame if we were eventually just going to give up? Counterproductive, I know. But I just can't help myself feeling resentful towards this lack of motivation to change our lives.

It's easy to say that a better life awaits us at ____ fill in the blanks. It may well could. I am not debating that. There is always that possibility. But why ruin the chance and the opportunity we were given and had worked so hard to keep until now? Packing up and moving, doesn't necessarily immediately create a fresh beginning, even if it does at all. As you take your body and history, along with your mind, same patterns emerge anywhere. Sure, our environment also affects us, I also am not arguing that. Change of scenery is essential for any person. We have this, we have our resources, so why give up?

House to Home

Granted, we still haven't actually bought a house, though we have moved to a beautiful new apartment. Though I've tried my best, it's still not warm enough and homey enough as I would have liked. This isn't to say that it isn't homey. I just currently feel so run down and cold, with such negative feelings festering in my soul towards life, my husband and myself that I am finding hard to making fuzzy curtains and warm curry.

Time...Time..Time...When will it be the time?

Survival

I realize I have a lot of disappointment, rage and sadness that weighs heavily. In return, I am constipated by these emotions that utterly leave me a senile, panicking, frustrated adult. I can't find my usual release by writing (let's be real, I am not doing enough of introspection to get that). World has come to a stop, because I am purely trying to breathe, nothing else. No world theories, no interest in politics, or even news in that matter. No philosophy theories to learn and chew out. Feminist readings have come to a halt.

Survival just takes so much energy, any kind of pleasure has to be put on hold. I am tired of living in such an exhausted state.

Persistence

Problems often originate from multiple sources and only compound overtime. That's really just how things work. Usually, even multiple, they are small, no one wants to bring up minuscule problems, because then we would be clingy. Where is the understanding and tolerance we often speak about and read in articles? Sometimes we believe things will smooth over time. Usually they never do, or we run out of patience before they do. Sometimes the other person is oblivious to what it is he or she is doing wrong.

Problems persists in one way or another. The problems can be interchangeably used here. One problem will be solved and soon enough, there will be another, whether something that arises out of circumstances, changes, or personal history. Or, any other category.

Life has been about persistence for me. Persistence to survive, persistent depression that perennially assaults me, persistence of heart break, persistence to play puzzle with my life. It's always being brought to a blank canvas in the middle of a puzzle, I am sometimes enjoying, somethings dragging myself through. No matter.

So persistence to be aware, to be diligent and to allow time to sink in issues and problems. What else is there anyone can do?

Deconstruction

Deconstruction of our old apartment has begun. Since early September the premises of the complex were fenced, a lot of different kinds of demolishing machines were brought in and everything from the apartments were moved out, one by one. They didn't demolish the whole thing at once, I don't know the reasons behind it, but piece by piece it seems they'll do it. I wonder how long it will take to take all that debris out of there, start the base for a new construction and if they will actually have construction this winter.

To be honest, it feels like both a relief, a physical way to get over the past and at the same time, makes my stomach a little queasy. It's a relief because everything S has related to the past four years of his life, has been tarnished, torn down and destroyed with the destruction of the building. It's a clean, clear physical manifestation of moving on, closing one chapter and opening another. On the next hand, I am queasy because, my own memories with S in that house are also physically now demolished.

I guess you really can't have your pie and eat it too.

Blogging

I've been blogging certainly quite a bit with my new critique group. I am happy to see it some what established with one member and me doing a lot of writing. I feel this is good ground work that will allow all writers to have general increasing interest in the group and to be able to learn from the group.

Rewards

Today isn't particularly great either. It's better than the other day, that's definite.

I've signed up for some U.W. Mini Courses and I am excited to be taking them. I am so excited that I will be getting some treats from an online site. It's important to sometimes pause, live, exhale and then reward one's self incrementally and in a very small scale that it's infinitesimal on the budget.

So, this is me, trying to appreciate everything else that is going around and in my body, in my life, and in my mind.

Most days still feel bleak and are empty emotionally. Or if it's not empty, it's because I am rehashing through old feelings and writing about them in short story or poetry forms. It is not particularly doing so well on my mental and emotional state, though it is definitely helping me in getting through some problems and allowing me to understand others. It's definitely allowing me to get to the root of some of the problems.

I've been working hard. Whether it's at home, at my career, or with myself, it's been a productive month that's returning to some sort of stability that is allowing me to function. Fulfillment and happiness are always the objective at hand, but sometimes striving for functionality is my only way out.

Fated Day 3

It's the monthversary of that day again. There still hasn't been a chance, except that I continue to cry and usually don't let S know about my sadness regarding this event. We've talked about it a thousand times, we've cried over it and have  quietly sat there, looking at each other, trying to find comfort in each others' souls, nestled up to one another.

It's dreary and painful. I drag myself throughout the day and at night, as I am sitting down for the day, having finished nannying, my long list of things to do, finished cooking, cleaning, and made through a batch of dessert to finally unwind, and it hits harder than usual. It's painful enough to disable any kind of thought, emotion and the shame burns deep, red and redder than before, with rage surmounting and sorrow reaching its pinnacle.

I no longer know how to quell anything within me.

Emotional

And somedays are simply bad. There is absolutely nothing that could be done about those. For one reason over another, one gets emotional, sensitive and tends to turn on the water works a bit too much, too often and too early. And it will eventually blow over until whatever the lying cause is somehow fixed, handled or it too passes away with the whim of a wind.

It's one of those days. I am hyper sensitive, anything anyone says could offend me, and the smallest slights, I perceive to be personal and take wound to everything in my peripheral vision.

I just want today to be over.

Nanny

I can't imagine what it must be like a working parent. I can assume it is difficult, I can see that much, it's frustrating because you just never get enough time for yourself, there is always someone requiring attention from you and there is something innate within you that you'd like to give more than asked. I see this in parents all around. Also, the working parent is always sad, because while they want to enjoy their careers, progress steadily, they always feel guilty for leaving their children behind under someone else's care.

So I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like leaving your children behind, to a nanny sometimes with as little information as just a resume. The terrible things that might go through the mind of one parent, the worries of the partner and the child's own imaginings, fears, and the desire to be with the parent rather than with one's nanny. Who could blame them?

Menstruation

You think you know everything about periods?

Check this insightful article out
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/14/period-facts_n_4065124.html

Disney

They are also not allowed to watch movies that are discriminatory in general, but specifically in gender, ethnicity and culture. They want to raise culturally aware children that are fair, and gain kind tendencies towards everyone and a broad definition of humanity. They are taught to think for themselves, analyze and question the ongoings of society, and are taught not to think of themselves as victims and hopeless. They are taught they always have options and hope to get through any kind of difficulty, without losing their ability to be kind.

They are encouraged more for their mental capacities and their ability to calmly handle theirselves, adapt and engage in the world in a more meaningful way than their sweetness and physical looks.

No Gun or Violence Policy

The kids I nanny are wonderful children who are kind and usually well behaved, if any, very little spoiled by parents, grandparents but loved bountiful.

I love the idea that their parents have installed no violence and gun policy. That means kids cannot play with guns, watch violent movies or engage in violent behavior themselves.

Kids will be kids and some of them, some of the time will be violent, will aspire to be violent and have interest in violence, guns and the whole gang. But it's a great way to curb them and create awareness in children at a young age to limit their exposure.

Play Time

Also, somewhere along the day if the kiddies get full, uninterrupted 30 minute play time, to use however they like, with lots of stimulation and physical activity, they seem to be falling asleep much better, they're less cranky and take out their frustration much easily by just playing it out, instead of giving me an attitude.

They complain less about their homework if they get the time to play and are more inclined to behave as they feel like they're getting their way. Play time it is, kiddos!

Homework

As a child and most of my student years, I hated the idea of homework. Why was it necessary to begin with? But as I grew up and learned, and experiemented I realized when done not in an overhwhelming capacity and that is over abundant it can be helpful. It keeps the student, at the very least, me focused in the work enough, allows me to invest my time and create a bond between the class and myself.

I realize children hate this and I obviously having no children of my own and not having any kind of degree, expertise or any other kind of credentials in the matter, my opinion means very little, if any.

However, I love the idea that the children have homework, even if the school has not started and they are still on Summer vacation. 30 minutes a day, broken up into 10 minute chunks.

What a wonderful idea.

Pinney Library

Since I've been baby sitting, I've been introduced to the Pinney Branch of Madison Public Library. It's tiny, with a great staff that is very children friendly. They have a great children's section, with costumes, games geared towards children only and wonderfully infromed staff that always seems to be in a good mood. It's a great place to catch up on writing, reading and take the kiddies to reinstate what they learn at home.

Looking Back

August is out and September is in. Fall doesn't seem to be really settling in yet. It's the transitions that are the most painful it seems. Still we are having fall outs of having newly moved to an apartment, my procedure and built up anxiety over the past. Sometimes to the point of over talking it.

Students are fully back in, parties are everywhere, coffee shops are crowded with laptops, charger cables, books, highlighters and lots of red, BUCKY shirts, sweatshirts and hats. There is some sort of peace that's buzzying mightily behind everyone's ears and inside their veins that's pushing everyone to congregate to study, to party, to misbehave and to fall in love.

Summer technically isn't over yet, and it sure does feel summer, though my mind is confused as it should be Fall and I am looking forward to fall this year.

My job as a nanny is going well. I've just begun getting used to the children, learning their quirks, personalities enough to know how to behave in order to follow the rules and also keep them happy. Compromises.

It's hard though. I've always understood mothers, their difficulties and trials, by observing, by reading and trying to put myself in their shoes. But this job as a nanny has opened my eyes wide and I am totally awake to the truth, the reality of being a mother, without being a mother. But when you become a nanny as a full time, spending about 10 hours a day with these children and trying to get house chores and hobbies and a job, it is so frustrating. Children, being their own beings and don't particularly follow up on rules all the times, simply because they're tired, sick, sad, not feeling well, whatever the reason may be, just like an adult.

We're settling in, seeing that moving in doesnt solve all problems and that we have ways to go. I definitely need to learn to exercise my anger and frustration of all the events that have culminated within my vassal.

Autumn Decorations

I was at Target today. Although the weather is warm and looks anything but like Fall, Autumn Decorations are here, from mini Halloween Samples to some Thanksgiving Day ones. Lots of reds, yellows, oranges, and browns. There is something about the Fall that makes me so very happy, giddy, contemplative and productive. There is a current that stirs around me and I just can't help but feel optimistic and wonderful.

I've bought one or two very cheap pieces and coming home with them on the bus was a bliss. It's even a bigger happiness to place them somewhere visible. It's like the Heaven's are smiling at me.

To peaceful and lovely Autumn Evenings.

Labor Day

Happy Labor Day America.

That's The End Of It

This is the end of it. August is officially over. In a few days schools will start and the students are already here, wreaking a havoc. It's busy streets, crowded bars, and reds, yellows that seems to adorn every shop window from here to North Wisconsin.

It already feels like Autumn is here. Stores have changed their menus, soups are here and pumpkin lattes are for sale. It feels like overnight everything and everyone changed. No one seems to have problems being fashion forward, no one seems to get lost, getting from on building to the next. Everyone is on a hunt to find their favorite grocery store, favorite bar, and favorite coffee shop. Games are on, and it's livelier than ever before.

We are settled at home, still with minor adjustments to be made. We're hopeful, peaceful and happy. I am still frustrated with a lot of left over residue that I can't quite seem to control or haven't been able to purge out of our system. It's been getting better. I still need to work on that. I have some plans, some hopes and some continuum of movement, towards something, anything, even if they're tiny, tiny steps.

August, you've been stressful and wonderful. Thank you.

30 Agustos Zafer Bayrami

Herkesin 30 Agustos Bayrami Kutlu Olsun

Does Moving Solve Everything?

The question begs itself, does moving solve every problem we've had? The big issues we've been trying to conclude, the horrid past I do not want to remember and get stuck on.

Over the course of the summer some of our issues subsided, diminished and vanished. Other new ones came instead and the big ones got stuck on a repeating loop that we just couldn't conclude for whatever the reason.

It takes more than change of living quarters to solve more problems. Some problems persists and the problems we've been delaying becomes apparent and we learn to seriously deal with the issue. It's been difficult, I am frustrated, angry, sad and really unable to move on. I run in circles repeating the same things again and again. Some problems were suspended too long, waiting to be solved when we moved and not they've become things we no longer can ignore and have gotten bigger over the course of time.

Time is going to solve some. When more time has passes that I am less frustrated, less angry with all that has happened. A lot of effort on my end, with less blow ups, more understanding and trying to look at the bigger picture.

Roots

Roots, such a simple word with so much content, context and connotation it carries. It can be light or grave, depending on what you're trying to achieve.

The words we use, the way we negotiate our own reality and integrate ourselves with others, and how we analyze our own role in the grand scheme of things, has been greatly influenced by our parents, the religion, culture, socio-economic background we had no way in choosing before being born. The principles our families have adopted also enforce certain rules, values and understanding within our beings. Eventually, when we venture into the world on our own, we build upon those, sometimes destroy them altogether and begin anew. Regardless though, all of our being is effected whether negatively or positively what we do.

So, roots, who could get away so far. All of a sudden, anything but roots is all I desire.

Art For Art's Sake

Is art ever art for art's sake? Should it be?

I do think there is art for art's sake and there is much refinement and enjoyment that one can receive from such art, in any form of expression available to the humankind on earth in 21st Century.

But art itself imitates life and life often strives to imitate that of art, at least in my own personal life and observations has been true thus far. I think when art gains a deeper meaning and allows us to see the painful truths we have become adjusted and blind to. It packages our values, ambitions and goals and neatly represents them in another perspective that we can clearly see what the outsiders sees and what we are unable to see.

What do you think? Am I far off base here?

Sisters

One of the children I nanny is 8 years old and she will be starting Third Grade. She is a beautiful girl with long legs and a beautiful smile. She is extremely brave, athletic and intelligent. She also has a great quirky, strong, independent, loving personality. She is what I would call a natural born leader. She is so good at it. She loves taking in charge, being responsible and bossing around her younger brother, who is 4 years old. He is usually timid, but he definitely doesn't like being undermined and being told what to do.

On the other hand, the 8 year old also likes to undermine and challenge authorities, adults and those in charge of her by turning her brother against the Baby Sitter, so namely me.

Clever little girl.

Dishwasher

Who knew dishwasher was a luxury?
They became my luxury in the past three years. After all, we all can wash our dishes by hand, at the sink. Why worry about that when you have a dish washer. I think I am in love with mine and absolutely cannot live without it from now on. It makes my life way too easy, which makes it efficient, and being on a time crunch, it makes it essential to me. I cannot live without this luxury from now on.

The Needs of A Home

Now that we moved into a new apartment we don't have as much floor space as we used to. But on the bright side we have triple the amount of closet space, which makes a big difference to me.

It's already difficult enough to fit everything in, and the storage space here being 50 bucks a month it is incredibly expensive. Though we have this great space, we also have little floor space to be using. So I am in desperate need of organizers for our shelves, for our shoes, for the blankets, the towels. Eventually though, one by one. I've decided to buy things for first the entry way and make my way to the bathroom, then the bedroom, living room and eventually kitchen. I've already spent a lot of time and money trying to get a good kitchen going, and although there are things that I do need, none of them emergency and I can make do with what I already have. Instead, I need coat racks, boot mats, bath towels of all sizes, shelf space and organizers. I need a bench in the entryway, a mirror and photo frames.

Living room is a mess and we need lots of things there. I don't even know where to begin. We don't need a lot, but we do need a nightstand and a lot of closet organizers for the bedroom.

So here's to a never finishing the needs of a home.

These needs will probably grow bigger and become more dire in time, which will alter the list and probably will get them a little mixed.

Going Organic

Recently, I've made the decision to buy in more bulks and in organic. From shampoo to cleaning supplies to body lotion to anything else that you can conjure up.

It seems like there are plenty of brands to choose from.

Here's to a better living.

Full Time Nanny

Being with kids all day is tough and harder than I remember. Maybe because I pay more attention now, maybe because I am older and have less energy than I used to and perhaps because these are mere strangers I haven't been able to connect with entirely, yet. It's difficult to get to know each child and understand the way that child expresses his or herself and how he voices himself.

Parenting is a part of life, most of us in the 21st Century willingly enter. Not all of us. For many it is one of the dreams we possess and something we all move forward to in order to achieve it. This isn't true for everyone. I also don't believe in the fact that not everyone wants to be a parent, nor should they be. I don't think these people are evil, or selfish. Isn't having children, just as selfish, if not more?

So it's been a challenge, these past few days. Being with kids all day long, who is abundant in energy, attitude and lots of love to give. It's been a challenge to getting to know these kids, their rules and routines.
But they're lovely children and it's been a great fun to be with them.

Devil's Lake

As a family, with my brother included and our friends, we've made our way to Devil's Lake, to celebrate both moving and the extremely nice weather in August. Celebrate while you can and worry about the rest later.

The water was crystal, pristine and warm. Jumping off our rock has to be S's favorite thing, well, maybe besides eating the grilled meat.We are thorough omnivores and nothing gets between us and our meat. This isn't always good, but it's better than none at all as I always say.

A time to take back and be out there in the world, is all I can ask.

Happy Birthday Uncle Y

Happy birthday Uncle Y!

It's your 45th birthday and I wish to many more. May all of your troubles softly breeze through like the Autumn winds.

Nannying (Is that a word?)

Today was my first day nannying these two beautiful children aged 4 and 8. They are wonderful kids, but they are challenging. They're extremely smart, can be manipulative to get what they want and are  handful, as any kids are. They require lots of face time, play time and educational time. I've forgotten how much energy kids can have. I had a difficulty being able to catch up to them. Ask me if I was able to in the first place. I'll tell you, no.

The questions they ask are hard to answer sometimes in an age appropriate way for people like me, who don't actually have children themselves. It's awkward to be in charge of two kids suddenly. I truly had no idea what to do with them. I forgot how to approach, baby sit and keep children amused, entertained without crying for their mommies throughout the day, and also without becoming a toy in their hands. That happens, more often than many think.

I am not sure how long I will continue this job, but currently I am just glad that I have it. I don't know how smart it is for my psyche to have children I am responsible for at the moment, but it's something I have to stick it out.

Here's to wonderful children.

Living Room

Bedroom is completely sealed in. Everything is in its right place, as much as it can be for the time being and the living room is completely taken care of. Well, besides the books. The books are still in their boxes waiting for me to open them up and place them properly on their proper spaces and shelves.

I am so excited. This will be renewing everything. Maybe, I'll start picking up reading much more once again.

 The living room gets lots of sunshine and is overall a great place. It's tinier than our last apartment, but the floor plan is better for this apartment.I can see many great passionate days and nights and lots of guests being entertained.

I am also a little nervous about tomorrow. I haven't baby sat anyone in a long time. I hope I won't mess up. This will be my life for the next two weeks.

The Moving In Day

This is a sight to behold. It's a good thing I got the kitchen done yesterday night. I was exhausted three in the morning when I was just finishing up. I am exhausted this morning, but I cannot imagine my exhaustion if I did not do it this way. Luckily, I made everyone carry in the furniture first, placed those and had a second trip just for boxes and the rest. This has saved time, space and has allowed me to work more efficiently. Exponentially.

Now, to find a space for everything. I figured, getting the bathroom done is much easier and I started there, and then moved on to the bedroom as clothes will be more vital than my frames and art work being displayed. Those will come in the later days, as really last details. I am not worried about those.

Everything in the bedroom fits in, though the living room definitely needs some help. I'll have to get to it tomorrow, other wise, it's a doom, because I start my job as a nanny on the following Monday.

The extra closet space has literally saved my life. Here's to great apartments!

Keys

Today is the day that we get our keys to our new apartment. You cannot believe how stoked, excited and relieved I am. Today is the day S and I get our fresh start. The new beginning, a new, blank, white apartment with just our things, our heart and lots of sunshine. Each corner will be ours, new and will only come to possess our memories. Past can parish with the old building.

While we won't be moving in today, well partially we will. We'll give the second half of the deposit, sign the lease and pick up our keys. I'll clean the apartment, and get the kitchen in, organized and ready to go. Tomorrow, we'll get all the boxes, books, furniture and others in, so that it is much easier to organize and move in, finding a home for everything becomes all that easier.

Keys to our freedom!

Curb side Shopping

We went for our curb-side shopping today.

I haven't done this before, definitely a little strange and sometimes it can feel humiliating, until you pick your head up and see about ten other people doing the same exact thing.

Our bounty is plenty and I am extremely happy because we ended up getting several great chairs, patio table and some other big pieces our new apartment was going to need. I am merry and this moving is so close, I am forever happier, infinitely more.

N is Here

My brother is here! I am so excited. Last time he visited me was in June of 2012, when he first meet S. I can't believe it's already been more than a year since then. Since then all the trials we've gone through. We've moved in, gotten engaged, married and will be changing apartments soon.

Part of the reason he came at this time is to help us move. Secondly, he is also in a deep depression and I wanted to help him a little bit by bringing him out here and having him engage with others. Students, girls and people, real, living, breathing, made out of flesh people.

Depression is a horrible thing and really there is very little an outsider can do. Everything needs to be resolved within yourself and your own mind before you can do anything about it.

I am so happy and so glad he is here. This will give us an excuse to do something and also allow me to be a good sister. I haven't been that in a very long time.

Consumerism

I both loathe and love shopping. I don't particularly like spending money, especially when we have so little of it. That's why I make everything home, from the three meals a day, to the snacks that be enjoyed, even if not bought. I can veggies, fruits, make my own pickles, my own jams, and my own bread. Every little bit helps, tremendously.

I love buying small little things that changes the mood and look of the home. I also don't like buying things that aren't sturdy and don't make through at least two years, no matter how cheap they are. So I tend to stay away from extra cheap stuff, because they aren't made to last.

However, the way the stores are managed, designed and the ads and the catalogs all create a narrative consciousness we believe in. Or at least can be susceptible. It's easy to buy into this narrative, quite unconsciously. Ads begin the circle of this vicious routine and deep brainwashing. TV Series, movies, books, and eventually ending at the stores. We believe everyone shops a lot, everyone has all of these items and that over and over we are advertised things we don't need as necessities.

I fall into this trap and thankfully, because I just don't have the money, I always return back home empty handed, and it's my golden rule to wait until the third visit to actually buy something. So when that happens, it becomes apparent all those items, decorations, new gadgets and gismos and appliances are not necessary.

Fated Day 2

It's been two months since that day. Two whole months. I don't know where that leads us. I thought my emotions would have changed with time, given the fact that this was an emergency. Quite the contrary, they have developed, deepened and have been intensified a hundred fold. I am not sure what I could do anymore. Even the solace and the quiet and even happy stress of having found a job, moved into a new apartment and tinkering away with it could not quell it.

I am daily reminded and daily, I burn through all hopes, bridges and repeatedly live through these events in my life.

I feel stuck, cornered and without an ability to move forward, I punish myself as much as I can.

Movies and Stagnation

We've been watching too many movies lately. With the crises of our lives sold, decisions being made, informed and decided to move forward, we've entered that stagnating phase where we research, get further details and flesh out the necessary steps so that we know what we will be facing when we decide to go one way over the other. With that, there isn't much else to do but do our own work, come home and watch movies. And when we start walking, the stagnating phase will continue as more research will be in order, we'll be in our trial and discard phase where different things are being tried and upon not liking this or that aspect, we move onto other bigger and better things we define in that slice of time, until we come to a better suiting solution to the problem or process of our goals.

I am not complaining. It's painful to be here and not somewhere else in the sense of my own trials consisting in June, but I am happy. Happy for that fact that we did what we felt we needed to do, we made informed decisions and we're here, both silently working hard, trying to better our lives individually and as a couple. Outside of that, there is nothing else we can influence how our destiny unfolds.

Happy Birthday Y!

Y and I are close childhood friends. He's been there for as long as I can remember, through every good and bad in between then and now. He's helped me mature, grow and be a kind person.

I've been heavily influenced by him and his positive and yet pessimistic outlook in life. His happiness has become my own.

To celebrate you to night, I wish you a happy birthday, many more, with all the blessings out there there is. With a might heart to love and a mighty soul that loves thee as you are. To the kindest, gentlest person in the world. Happy Birthday, Y

Unwanted

As we were walking around, it seems it's time for Madison's annual time to leave your belongings outside and those who are in need of new ones, seek them as their old owners leave them. It's possibly maybe the only place in U.S. that I can ever think of people leaving their old furniture, possessions, belongings and other items to the curb and strangers willingly make good use of them. There doesn't seem to be a good bounty as of yet, though in a few days, it will be likely that there will be a great turn out, it wouldn't be bad if we ended up with a microwave, actually.

Large buildings, apartment complexes has left their goodwill donation pick up boxes for the convenience of everyone. Have I mentioned I love this city?

Ramadan Eid

Happy Ramadan Eid.

It's been a difficult Ramadan for me. I am not sure how much I am actually supposed to celebrate and enjoy the good deeds of Eid when I have stopped fasting after the second half of Ramadan.

The previous year, we had a wonderful Eid with friends, and even some family, gatherings. It was wonderful to celebrate with everyone. This year, it feels so alone, without anyone. It literally felt as if we were the only people in the world. It's just us now. No one to go to, no one to come over. It really doesn't feel like an Eid. Even Eid in Rochester would have been better than this.

It's at times like these that I wish we were nearer my family, at least within driveable distance that we could have visited them to be together for important observances. Important dates, special times, crucial days where one human simply needs another.

Here's to lonely Eids

In Preparedness

I am excited that we only have one more week in this apartment. It looks wretched, hallow and frigid now, as the way things are. Boxes that I am thrilled to open and place in my new apartment, new things I've secretly bought, saving here and there to use, over the course of the year. This place, I am not going to be sorry leaving it behind. Maybe, it will be a near relief to see them tear this place down in order to make a new high rise.

There is barely any space left to take a step and everything is a bit of a mess. I am tired of waiting and really feel as if there is not a drop of patience left. I am always mad, always angry. I just can't seem to do things right and overreact when I truly don't want to.

Uncared

I can't believe Ramadan is ending. I didn't think the month would have gone past by so quickly. It wasn't the greatest when I had to suffer through physicals and what not as I was fasting, It's been great that nearly the whole month, the first two weeks especially have been cool, which was like a well in the middle of the desert.

I don't particularly have great hopes for this Eid, considering that there isn't much to do or many others we could actually  celebrate it with. I don't know that if we'll even do anything as this goes the way they are.

Locks of Hair, Clicks of Time

I cut off a big chunk of my hair in May, right before our wedding ceremony. It's August and it's grown about two inches since then. Continuity of time continues to surprise me, it's always outside of my grasp and conviction. I can never pace myself accordingly and time slips by despite of me.

So much has happened since then. It feels like a long time and really, yesterday at the same time. I can't believe the fluidity of it all.

Here's to healthy hair and a healthy well being, misunderstood, misconceived measures of time.

A dab of Organix Moroccan Oil.

New Order of Things

I've decided I want to pack my weekdays and loosen up my weekends. I want to do my grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, baking during the weekdays so that on the weekends, I can afford to be lazy. I can do the things I've been meaning to do. I can go see that movie, sleep in, see friends, go see a movie.

Research, read an extra book, have fun, or do nothing at all. But I want time to myself where I can enjoy my new home, my husband and myself. I'd like to begin appreciating the things I do have and possess in my palm. The things we all tend to overlook and in the frustration of the post-modern world, take for granted, because after all, we don't remember a time where we were unable to possess the luxuries that we do have.

I will at least work out once a week, though ideal case would be three times per week, about thirty minutes each. I also would like to start doing Yoga. With my increasing back pains, it's going to come in handy.

Eventually, I'd like to read a novel a week, a short story a week and each day work through vocabulary, grammar, writing fiction related book, free writing, daily writing, observations, and blogging. I'd like to dedicate a good amount of money and increase the quality of my topics and context of my blogs. I'd also like to take a class here and there in the Fall, in whatever form I can afford. I'd like to join a critique group, and begin thoroughly interacting with the writer community in Madison.

I'd like to start Belly Dancing Instructing and getting my business off the ground.
Here's to a year with many hopes, wishes and goals!

Breathing Space

It's tighter, tighter than it's ever been before. But I can feel relief and happiness. I am glad some things are getting better, getting fixed and now we have a plan. Having a plan beats not knowing what the hell is going on and roughly estimate what can be expected.

We will be moving out of here soon, which is going to make me infinitely happier. When I have a new job...all of these things, culminate.

Breathing and there isn't much left to do until we actually move out. Until then I am making changes in the way I want to proceed things, going over what I want to do and what I want to accomplish and giving myself to research, listen to myself and make my schedule. Scheduling and having good blocks of time that I know what must be done and how things must be done.

I will definitely start working out once more, though with which intensity and how often is kind of up in the air. But I'll take even once a week.

So nevermore...

Lemures

Ever since that day, I've been plagued with nightmares. Daily, nightly terrors that keep building upon my anxiety, regret and guilty conscious, I've come to possess since that God awful, fated day in mid June. It didn't take any time to build, instead I woke up with the worst nightmare I had ever envisioned. Then continued to be the assailant of my dreams, night after night after that afternoon. By now it has become an established cycle of truth. I wake up, shaken by what I've seen, curious and worried about what this means and the weakened state of my spirituality. Then I go through what I must to get through the day. That means checking my emails, the news, the important sites of the day and go on to acquiring a job, finding out what course and in what order to take, how much is what going to cost, finish packing process, find this out for that, find this out for S, establish this for that and so on and so forth. I keep myself incredibly busy in even a faster pace. It's all so that I don't even take a moment to breathe and remember or give my brain the pause to relapse, remember and think. To feel.

Then the sun sets slowly and turns into a night.  The somber gravity of emotions settles in, I am reminded of my sin and the feelings of such a crushing abyss overtakes, in parts slowly. I delay it as much as I can, until I can no longer physically withstand the pain, the agony and the emotional torture it sacrifices on my body cells. Sleep is rare. Eventually though, I do drift into some sort of sleep state, none that has the ability to recover from my frantic guilt. None that gives me a restful sleep. Nights turn into morning and the restful sleep is no where to be admitted into my body, even if I do end up drifted into sleep. Sleeping is rare though. There is this shadow that lurks behind my heart, the night of my day that as soon as the sun sets and life becomes somber. I am reminded of my own reality, rather the one I must partake in daily, during the hours of the sun.  With the moon, so does my lemures comes out to play. They have been going hand in hand. And on a night such as the one described above, I've made it to the morning. Maybe it's the sun that stumbles on my pain and not the way around?

Tax

It's great to be able to actually get my taxes done. Sometimes when things might not monetarily benefit you, may benefit you other wise in the long run.
To be able to do this at this point in time is a big plus for us.
Thank you.

End of July

Today is the end of July. I am growing impatient, a little frustrated and overwhelmed. We still have two more weeks before we move, everything is packed, I've given away my donation boxes and the things that needs to be thrown out that will no longer be any good to anyone have been thrown out. I am desperate to move out. Sometimes I find my breath stifled, and an overbearing weight sitting atop of my chest. My corners from everywhere has been shrinking, continually diminishing and I feel like I can just disappear. I think about disappearing sometimes; taking the wrong turn somewhere, and keep walking until the ends of the earth to find the answers to the questions I have in my mind. The things I want to know most. Things I know I can never, should never know. I should let it go, but I can't. The woman inside of me is holding on to the little bits of it and I just can't get over it. How juvenile.

I want these oppressive feelings that are taking over me, stirring my blood and making me into a raging lunatic to fade away. The small voices inside of my head are getting louder. The essentials of my voice are getting smaller everyday. Sometimes, I have a difficult time hearing what's inside my head and what it is that I am really feeling. Everything is so mixed up in my heart.

Promises and Reward

And because everyday is an uphill battle, daily, I make promises to myself. If I get through this, if I get through the day without breaking down, if I get through the week, accomplishing what I must, then I will reward myself to, cup of coffee, an expensive latte, or one small item of clothing of 5 dollars. Let's be realistic, that is the maximum of what I can afford. I haven't been able to buy facial moisturizers due to the fact that we just don't have enough money. The delicate balance with extras just cannot be maintained.

I find it sometimes gets a bit easier to manage through the day if I have something to look forward to, even if it is a guilty pleasure. Beggars can't be choosers. So I move on, marching slowly, hoping for the day that the sunlight at the end of the tunnel is brighter, warm and inspiring enough to compel me to motion.

Reminding of Yourself

I am reminded daily of what happened in the past, so acutely that it's disorienting in the mornings. Sometimes, I don't know what day, time period I wake up to. I confused the fine line between past delusional haunting of my mind with today. I seem to wake up in the past, continually. It is damaging to myself and a bit tiring, difficult and hopeless to work through that every morning. Speed up the process, relive through these pains and suffer these wounds daily, until time catches up again. And sometimes, because the living of the past is so condensed, the emotions that are strongly attached to my experiences bring such negative emotions that the pain is all that much more intense, hurtful and bewildering.

It's a battle with myself, everyday. To forget, to greet the day, to keep working. It's my personal battle to not descent into my personal hell of revenge, depression and abyss.

Some days are more successful then others. Some days the necessity of appointments, arrangements and promises to keep is enough to get me going, out of the house and momentarily disabling the sensory inputs and outputs, which allows me to clamor, climb and pass through the day, until I come home and break down.

Other days are bad from the beginning and grow even more excruciating in the process of noon to night. It's immobilizing and I am reminded of the hopelessness of then. Not a good feeling.

It's a daily battle.

Weather

It's been a strange summer, my strangest summer in Madison thus far. I've never seen the weather so cold, so rainy and dark here in Madison. It almost feels like a Fall. I am fond of Fall, but I'd like to have a little bit of Summer before we move onto the bitter, colder and more rustic weather I am enamored with.

To the strange and sometimes irrational, it feels as if the weather's been cool so we can continue to fast.

Writing Update

I don't exactly know what kind of Mini Courses U.W. will be offering for fall. I am assuming there will be several related to Fiction, which I am resolved to register and take all of them.

Besides that, it turns out I have to take a Compass Test in order for me to start my Journalism Certificate classes. That's okay, I am not particularly worried about doing well enough in the English part that I will pass out of English 101. After all, that is required in order for me to take the classes that I need. It is a bit bummer, but there is very little to do about that. My courses usually are full length and therefore are more expensive. I was hoping that this wouldn't be the case. Finding the money is going to be difficult, though I am hoping new opportunities will rise for then, by then. MATC is on hold until the Compass Test and money. Though there is one course that is only $99, not related to Journalism, but instead directly to writing titled "Publishing A Novel" which I will be taking, as soon as I gather the money for it.

Besides that, I've been doing some research and have been researching fiction contests, literary magazines and writing workshops, conferences in and around Madison. I am so happy to have found so many great ones. Since I do not have a story yet, there is very little I can do about submitting my work. But knowing my avenues is a great comfort and a sigh of relief to my mind. This way, I have tangible goals that can be reached and checked off my list.

I am not sure about a Creative Writing Degree, but I am beginning to consider it as a viable option in some sorts.

Now, if I could be factually, orderly and in a disciplined matter be writing those great stories that used to clutter my mind continually and made me a lunatic.

Research Groups

It's been a stagnating Summer with much to do, but without much to progress, boast or even be extremely happy about.

S is working hard, researching about his options, what he can do, what he wants to do and where he can go after this. He is trying to come up with some sort of proposal, trying to create a new beginning, a fresh start and also trying to motivate himself for academia once again. As his efforts were effortlessly returned back to him, he feels a little oppressed and hurt by the whole process, and so a lot of motivation is broken.

His passion for Science and his good will to change the world, be of benefit to someone makes up for his lack of discipline and regular his inability to stick to a regular schedule and set hours, which further complicates our planning and stifles our growth process, tremendously.



I would love to see more hope instilled in his heart and to see his eyes shining for Science once more. That's the S I know.

Freya Katkowsky

We recently had our interview and now that everything has been shed into light, it's good to know.

First things first: If you're in the Madison area, give her a chance. She is an amazing lawyer with a great attitude. Great people who are lawyers do exist!

http://www.kisimmigration.com/

That is the link to her website. She is careful, patient and clearly answers questions. From this ordeal though, I would like to say not every lawyer is awesome as she is.

So go in there in confidence and well prepared. A bit of background research, some online forum browsing has never hurt anyone. Also maybe stopping by the library and going through a reference book won't hurt either. If you know your case and understand the complications, reasoning and implicated of your situation, you can describe your situation to your lawyer better. And if you understand where your lawyer is coming from, you can understand her advice better and that where she is coming isn't another planet, but based on articular prior procedures, hearings and results. This also arises particular questions about your situation you should be aware of. Only to cover yourself 100% is through understanding where you stand. If you understand it, you can explain it better and in return be more satisfied with what you can and cannot do.

Go in there with a series of questions that will enable you to make right decisions legally, even if you did not choose to hire any kind of legal help, representation and such.

Goodluck.

The Cheesiness Continues

Today, being the second month anniversary (though I must mention, I wonder the ensuing, never ending capacity of my inability to end my cheesiness, I swear, I was never like this before) I think the Universe is sending out mixed signals at best.

After months of grueling research, paper gathering, document searching, discovering, finding, securing, obtaining, scanning, photocopying, endless hours spent in front of the computer screen, reading through what seemed to me an abyss of information regarding the whole non-immigrant to immigrant status changes, what, which forms, what documents needed, required, where to and how to obtain them, how to handle, fill out and send said such forms, lawyer investigation, finding, calling and begging of free consultations, we were finally able to have our consultation.

(I realize the sentence is a run-on sentence. I obviously could have changed it and made it far more logical, organized and grammatically correct. Though, the constant, never ending, out of breath state of the sentence, described rather accurately our days since May 24th, once without a stop, break and that continues to suck the life out of cores).

In the past two weeks intense research about J-1 Visa Waiver Process, we found out more than we wanted to. Only because, it was such discouraging news that the first night, we walked around Madison for hours, on the West side of the city and had to hail a cab back home. We felt paralyzed, we discussed, and discussed, created scenarios and tried to get to the bottom of a truth we had no access to, nor the knowledge to hypothesize. We were so disappointed and felt so heavy hearted, so desperate and not knowing what to do, nor what was available, eventually we both broke down, hugging and crying for a good amount.

Of course, the next day, we continued searching through the web, forums and any kind of legal website that offered free online information and consultation, of any kind. We browsed, read, reread and reflected and then discussed what that meant to us, what we could do with that option and what remained an availability of what we could do. Then we repeated this process again and again. By Tuesday of this week, we realized how grim our situation could be if our only option was to stay here, no matter. But as we worked out through the information, what we wanted to do, what we could do and how we could best attain them. We've always decided that we were going to go back to fulfill S's Two Year Home Stay Requirement when the time came and would actually try to first live in Turkey, considering that we both have buffed up our resume to take such a bold action. We'd try, see what Turkey has offered and is able to offer us, measure our happiness, satisfaction with our lives and jobs and make a decision whether to continue living in Turkey or coming back to the States.

The main issue is that we refuse to live far apart, under any circumstances and for any amount of time, over a three month period (which we decided would be the most we could accomplish and sustain our sanity) and that S definitely had to finish his program here, I would also have to go back to school and finish my Masters with some sort of work experience which will grant me a better job position then were we to stay here.

It seems that obtaining a J-1 Visa waiver when the visa is sponsored via Fullbright is near impossible. So beware those of you who are trying to accomplish this, chances are slim. Though, I suppose the contents of that is another post.

So, we're going to have to make do and make some adjustments to our next five and next ten years goals. Looks like we'll be going to Turkey sooner rather than later.

Mid-Summer Rain

A lot of people tend to be quirky about the rain. People curse at the rain, swear off and instantly feel down. What is about the rain that people tend to hate so much, especially so much more so than snow? I've never truly been able to understand that. I am a rain kind of person. I prefer Fall to any other season, and if I can't have that, I'll take Spring. Winter and Summer tend to be my last selections, Winter coming in third and Summer finishing it off.

For me, the sound of raining is something that both calms something so deep within my soul, and also stirring, exciting those emotions I've left aside during normal business hours to be a functioning member of the society. The whole idea of being caught to a surprise shower seems something entirely delectable to me, and the premises Romantic, no matter how unconventional being caught in the rain can be.  Rain itself, holds a promise, promise of a better, bigger, brighter, fuller and in bloom tomorrow that holds the possibility of fruition of my labors. I can always interpret it as a sign of blessing from the Heavens to at least sooth my agitation and anxiety of how everything has been stagnation and has come to a still.

Rain, you're always welcome in my backyard.

Print books vs.e-book

http://www.newyorker.com/talk/financial/2013/07/29/130729ta_talk_surowiecki

For those of you who are interested in the future of print books (such as I am), here's one that will make you feel better about the continuing existence of available print books.

One for Books in a long time.

Writing Assess

I can't believe I've completed my courses. This is a dream come true for me. Previously, I always had to defer to staying at home and in shadow, shrouded in privacy about my writing. I labored over my craft and took out books, but really I had no idea what else to do. I knew I should take classes but I had no idea how to get to those resources. So, even if they're simple, Mini Courses, I am so glad that I was able to take that first step towards becoming a better, committed, loyal writer.

Next step is to engage myself in fiction in many layers, from volunteering at print media outlets, writing a lot, taking more courses, joining a critique group, attending conferences, workshops and seminars, submitting my work to fiction contests and to local literary magazines.
I have a plan in mind, goals that will help me achieve my dreams, that gives me the biggest hope in the world. My goal of becoming a writer no longer is an abstract concept I have no idea what to do with, it is a serious possibility of being realized after years of hard work and money. It feels concrete, something I can analyze in a more minute way and measure.

Welcome Back Students

It's scary to admit that it is now the middle of July. I have no idea what happened to the first two weeks of July, nor do I know whatever happened to June. I also don't understand how fast May disappeared, wherever it decided to leave me.

Up until this weekend, Downtown Madison created the illusion of being an abandoned, desolate city, with a few souls hanging onto a decaying city. Even on a Saturday night, State streets had been nearly empty, unusually empty. Coffee shops attendees have been scarce (I would know), libraries have become my private, privileged sanctuaries where only I seem to spend time in.

This weekend, Madison seems to be returning back to it's original state of chaotic, busy, partying students that likes to over drink, fight in the middle of the streets, and pretty much party until four in the morning (much to my despise, considering we live in Downtown, next to a known party house, where it drives my life miserable, every weekend night)

The house, turned into apartment building we live next to has three floors and there were parties in its two floors, The building across them had a party in it and it seemed to me, there was a party at least in one unit, in all the apartments in the neighborhood. It's hard to hear one another even in the house, there are people constantly knocking on our doors, windows, trying to get in, or pooping in your front yards, sometimes we've caught them peeing too. Some are passed out in their pukes, where we call the cops so that at least they get some sort of attention in the middle of the night. Some people think it's a neat spot to have public sex. Beer bottles are thrown out of higher floor balconies and people keep screaming various things, I've never been able to understand.

Welcome back, underage drinking Students!