Does Moving Solve Everything?

The question begs itself, does moving solve every problem we've had? The big issues we've been trying to conclude, the horrid past I do not want to remember and get stuck on.

Over the course of the summer some of our issues subsided, diminished and vanished. Other new ones came instead and the big ones got stuck on a repeating loop that we just couldn't conclude for whatever the reason.

It takes more than change of living quarters to solve more problems. Some problems persists and the problems we've been delaying becomes apparent and we learn to seriously deal with the issue. It's been difficult, I am frustrated, angry, sad and really unable to move on. I run in circles repeating the same things again and again. Some problems were suspended too long, waiting to be solved when we moved and not they've become things we no longer can ignore and have gotten bigger over the course of time.

Time is going to solve some. When more time has passes that I am less frustrated, less angry with all that has happened. A lot of effort on my end, with less blow ups, more understanding and trying to look at the bigger picture.

N is Here

My brother is here! I am so excited. Last time he visited me was in June of 2012, when he first meet S. I can't believe it's already been more than a year since then. Since then all the trials we've gone through. We've moved in, gotten engaged, married and will be changing apartments soon.

Part of the reason he came at this time is to help us move. Secondly, he is also in a deep depression and I wanted to help him a little bit by bringing him out here and having him engage with others. Students, girls and people, real, living, breathing, made out of flesh people.

Depression is a horrible thing and really there is very little an outsider can do. Everything needs to be resolved within yourself and your own mind before you can do anything about it.

I am so happy and so glad he is here. This will give us an excuse to do something and also allow me to be a good sister. I haven't been that in a very long time.

Happy 46th, Mom

Today is my mother's 46th birthday.

To the most amazing human being on earth with a wonderful soul and a strong heart, who has never yielded to pressure, or societal pressures, always marching to her own drum, never knowing when to give up, the hardest worker, with the most passionate spirit on earth. To an extraordinary woman, where none like her exist.

Happy birthday and to many, many more with all your wishes gradually turning into reality, one by one.

I love you, Mom.

Welcome, July

I can't believe it's already July. Where did the time go? It was March the last time I checked. It suddenly became May despite my protests and then moved on to June, in my disbelief. My ability to attach time and form an association with the said time has become more difficult and tattered as of late. My understanding of time as a concept has been obscured beyond any remedy.

I am glad it's July. That means I have about a month and a half until we move. Everything is ready for the moving, except say the kitchen and last bit of clothes until then. I feel like since we can't settle in and don't feel like this apartment is a home any longer, it's difficult to create a bond, which is even more difficult to make me get up and clean it. Though, I am still regularly cooking and that is a win for me right now. But because there is no ties here, there is no ability to make any kind of schedule that sticks. We keep living abnormally, unattached like a pair of floating ghosts traveling through time.

I am going to be so glad by the time we move in that I'll probably be losing sanity once again.

Currently, though I am doing much better. At least I am pretending to be normal during the day hours, faking through human emotions, reactions and interactions. At night though, is an entirely different story. But the rituals that can be repeated are the only true solace I have. The things I have to get through are my current motivators. I just can't afford to slip up and let it all wash over me, drowning me in their sadness.

Next Big 3 Items of Our Agenda

We've established our big three items in our collective agenda. We've gotten a new apartment and figured out the logistics that goes along with it. We've taken care of my serious health problem, and we have also gotten ourselves insured and went in for our first check ups. We're back in Madison, eased in and totally immersed back in our lives.

Finding lawyers and information about our situation is what comes next and what is of most importance. We have to figure out a way to plan this out carefully and stick to it. Tax season will be coming again and I want to be prepared this time around. Note to self, also do your taxes. I also want to have a tentative plan that would lay out to us what we need to do and give us a time frame to work. Which will make me a better person, a more productive adult as I would have the flames of time on my back, licking my sweat and slashing against my sweat to motivate me. Nothing works like worry and the question of physical survival. I guess we should include that item number two is us individually getting our taxes done. The number three item would be for S to find his new research group so that he can continue on with his program without any hitches.

It's back to reality for us.

Hello Chicago

The road back home is always long. Unfortunately though, with all that has been ripped away from me, taken away to be never given back to me, has left a sour after taste and Chicago has lost its romantic mysticism, attractive and pheromones. The admiration has left its place to hatred, hostility and anger.

Two incidents, that are far apart has forever ruined Chicago for me. Though never the less, arriving at Chicago, signals me that we're nearly home, almost home, like home and we can drop the pretenses and this charade and go back to our tiny apartment to mourn the loss we both will never recover from. We can go back to falling apart every night to pick ourselves in the morning and to run after the endless amount of paper work we have to chase, complete, file and turn in. All the things we have to do before the summer is out and all the certainty we have to secure so that we may have our wedding August of 2014.

Hello Chicago, you now remind me of hurt, loss and blood.

Hello Rochester

And of course, as someone who understands myself, my inner workings and the multifaceted personality of mine, multi-porous emotions that even confuse the heck out of me, I knew that the very things that will make me feel bad will also be my medicine in not to go spiraling down into a deep depression which I had a minimum change of recovering for a long time. So being around my sunshine mom, which her always positive, upbeat attitude that always gets up in the morning no matter what kind of hell had broken loose the night before would heal me away, without knowing anything of the source of our mutual agony.

So, here's to being in Rochester, with family, being surrounded by love and a new life.

Our New Apartment

Finally, after our long search online, never ending mailing back and forth, and endless apartment visiting to find an affordable but a clean apartment where we could call our next home has surfaced. We signed our lease, and paid our deposit. What a relief this is. Amongst everything, this is one thing I am so excited and happy about. It took us a long time, but I am satisfied with the final decision we've made. Also, we won't be far away from our old apartment, still in the same neighborhood, but with a better access to downtown and the bus stops. Now, all that's left is to pack, move and unpack. Oy.

With that crossed off our list though, I am sure I'll be able to sleep better tonight!

26th

Today is my 26th Birthday. I am getting old. When did I turn 26. It feels like after I turned 21, years became a blur and passed right by me. Sometimes, I still feel 21. Where is all these years go? They just slipped from between my fingers, I was unable to hold on, to make good of them and have them be good to me. But, that's all in the past.

Last year, I woke up as someone who had recently just begun a new, promising relationship with someone who ever increasingly piqued my interested and quickly gave me a new set of wings to fly on my own. Whose hand I had come to expect at every turn, never letting go of me, always firm but with a gentle hold.

This year, I woke up as a married young woman to the love of my life whose hand that four days ago, I had promised to never let go, in front of a judge and a large group of friends.


Let's walk together on the road we build ourselves, with no help other than each other's.
How lucky am I to be waking up next to you, everyday for the rest of my life. To the man who loves me for who I am, as I am, gently, passionately and in good humor.

Marriage Ceremony

In the few hours I was able to squeeze in sleep this morning, before our big day, We shared a dream. I have no idea what I truly dreamed, because I was so tired that I just passed out. What I mean is that we shared our dream of a life time, where we promised to work together for our dreams, the very dreams we share in the long and short run. We've made our commitments long ago, in secret, between just the two of us, but today, we would be repeating our promise, commitment and dreams in front of a judge, a group of friends, among them people we count as family.

S and I have never been shy from one another, especially when it comes to honesty, communication, and sharing secret details about one another, including those extremely humiliating stories that could shame us to the grave and all the embarrassing things we've said since the beginning of our consciousness. By now, so much has happened that, we even know things about one another that we really ought not to, considering some of these were difficult things to accept, understand, relate and digest. Though we did and are closer for it as we truly were able to examine one another's mind, logic and truly come to see each others soul with all of its vibrant and dull colors, in all the shapes, forms and memories it carries with it. Besides, everyone is entitled to privacy and some of their own past, is bound only to them and should only be shared with the people concerning the particular experience of the past. On a brighter side, we've always been upfront about the things we wanted to have, we wanted to achieve. We were upfront about the things we desired of one another, the good details we found in one another and the expectations of each other, from each other and of our relationships. We shared the dainty, the firm, the solid, the leading, the ever changing and the never changing dreams one by one. We embellished them with our individualistic traits and then merged together to have one common goal, where our personal goals were realized, recognized and we had plans to work for them, to achieve for them. I and You and She an Her, became US and WE and WE had a plan for us and individually we knew of one anothers plan for the future.

To be able to marry the love of your life is an incredible lucky thing that should never go without being appreciated and always thanked for. Not many of us end up down the aisle with the people we both passionately love and feel we were destined to be, meant to be.

To have married you, to have meet you, to have married you has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is true we had a fairy tale beginning and a fantastic growth, but it's also equally true we've had our share of troubles, difficulties and near impossible things we thought we couldn't get over. And yet today, we knowingly said I Do to a world of troubles that will be assaulting us, first thing in the morning. If you are with me though, no matter how rough, how difficult the storm, how high the mountain and how impossible the track is, we'll weather it through, because I've got my hands in yours, and you've got your eyes in mine.

To a happy, healthy, fulfilling life where the passion never dwindles and we grow with each other, against all odds.

Berra

Yesterday, my uncle's first child was born. Considering the fact that he is only 8 years older than I am, it feels like my first niece.
Overall, probably the best Sunday once can wish to strive for. Waking up after a great night filled with fun to hear wonderful news of an addition to an ever growing family, one that has been greatly anticipated and have been waiting for.

Berra, as cousins, we're at least  whole two generations apart. I will be more like an aunt, than as a cousin. We certainly won't have the same kind of relationship as I had with my brother and my aunts first child, in which we were all more or so the same age, who truly grew up together, experiencing the same joys and pains in the family. We certainly won't have the same relationships as my aunts' and uncles' second children, in which I was already several years older and had the honor to show them around in family, in the neighborhood and in the world. I had a responsibility as older sister to teach the right from wrong. You could have been my child, if the circumstances were right and had I meet your uncle S a few years earlier and if life had been a little bit easier on me, allowing me to get my way. Of course, though you are not and instead will always be a beloved cousin, whom I will always feel that you're more along the lines of a niece. Your father, my uncle has always been more of a brother to me, then an uncle, allowing me to feel like you're my own, or a niece.

No matter how our relationship can be defined due to the blood relationship, time constraints capped by circumstances, you will always be precious, loved, cared for and nestled at the warmest spot in our hearts. I will always look at you longingly, draw your scent in, as if I am always trying to make up for something, and feel like a sinner because I will always be living further away in one way or another.

But, welcome to earth, may you have a long, happy life, filled with joy, understanding and appreciation.

1 Year Anniversary

Today is our 1 year anniversary. A whole year since the first day we met, began talking to each other, confessed our feelings to one another, made the decision to try this out, moved in, went through Ramadan, Muharrem, birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentines and eventually arriving at today.

It's interesting to note the fluidity of time, where at first it stalled, stagnated and then flied out the window and a whole year found itself completed and has made us both feel warm, awed and that we've been with one another for a life time.

It feels like we've always been together and that, we've opened our eyes to the world, with one another, as if no other person existed, and there were no interferences and in this world, there is just you and me.

Never had I loved anyone so much, with all of my soul to the last drop of it, and never had I been loved so much, with all of his beliefs, passion and being.

I could never be without you, for you are my world.

Still Cooking

And after all of this time and still being depressed, I am proud of myself for not giving up on cooking. I continue to cook for each meal (even if it's in batches and prepared ahead). It makes me feel like I am doing something with my time, with my day. There is some sort of paradox of progress that is comforting to me. This isn't necessarily what I am hoping to achieve, but daily activities like this, will eventually pull me out enough to have the inclination to catch up at the least.

I am enjoying cooking more than ever and I even feel venturous enough to do exotic dishes, I've never done before.

Feeling better, one meal at a time.

Cooking Again

As a background, until I moved to Madison, I only knew how to make omelets, and that's about it. But after moving out here, starving and having digestive problems, it was time to take matters into my own hand. So I began cooking with some great and not so great success rate. Eventually though, I got much better and came to be known as the best cook around. So cooking is something that is emotional to me. I cook better when I am happier. You can find me singing as I cook usually. If it starts becoming a chore and I am not doing well emotionally, it can have the power to make me feel better. But, if I am down beyond repair, I give it up. I feel like it's directly linked to my will of living.

Cooking, however has strong emotional strings for me. It has the power to remind me of my horrid days which I created a situation for myself to come over my own obstacles. Because of that, I feel like I am slowly getting better.

If I am willing enough to cook, care enough to supply S with something, perhaps there is hope for me still.

Happy 33rd, Uncle

It's my uncle's 33rd birthday. My uncle is only 8 years older than I am. It's a bit eerie to think about and, also, gross. Evidently, he is an accident baby of my grandparents. But having an uncle so young has been one of my greatest gifts. I have two uncles, and the uncle in question is the younger of the two. Having two uncles who adored, admired and loved me to bits has helped me regularly, as it would any child.  They are two of the greatest male examples I've had in my life. They're caring, humorous, kind and equipped with a good heart, well intentioned. Over the years, they've selflessly sacrificed much and have also been sacrificed for.

Happy Birthday, to many more, loving, healthy, happy and miraculous years.

Berra's Baby Shower!

I'm back at Rochester for Baby Berra's baby shower! My uncle and his wife will be having a baby girl, their first child. My grandparents are over the moon, as if this is their first grandchild.

The baby shower turn out was well, food was great and although I hate the color pink, it was fun to see pink adorning every possible thing this time around. I do wish they would have used another color scheme.

It's amazing how ignorant people could be and when it suits them cease their courteous niceties because they wish to act a certain way on someone else's dime. But that's Turkish people for you. They just love to make others uncomfortable and bend the rules to suit their own needs, whatever the time, whatever the occasion and whatever the people.

But this is another testament to my mom, whose intelligence never ceases to amaze me and her absolute determination to make something out of nothing and make sure it is successfully completed. Her hard work, careful maneuvering and smart solutions to tough problems, I am happy to have such a strong woman as a mother. I've been truly blessed.

No matter how hard, depressive and difficult things may be, she is always the optimist, always holding on until the storm is over.

St.Valentine's Day

As much as I try to be non-consumerist, or at the very least a careful consumerist, there are certain things I can't seem to let go of. I've never been attached to Valentines Day. In fact, I can't seem to actually remember any time I celebrated the holiday. I also know the gruesome past behind it as well.

This year though, for the first time in my life, in our lives, we're seeking to celebrate St.Valentines, together, to appreciate one another, the difficult time we've been going through, regardless of all the obstacles that keeps popping up, relentlessly and without exhaustion. My hat is off to you pissers and the Universe.

It seems counterintuitive to celebrate when you're feeling pretty bad, beaten up and to know that there are people out there, who are willing to do anything possible to drive a wedge in your relationship, in hopes that one of the people says enough and calls it quits. I might bend, but I don't end to break, even if I do, it's never easy. And if there is one thing about me, I'm rather determined, even if it takes time for me to accomplish sometimes, I will eventually get there. I might lay low, but I always finish what I start, more so now than ever before. I'll get there. My determination has never been deterred, or has never led me astray.

Misery can be an awful thing, but with us, it's never a permanent guest in between the two of us. Such heavy, negative feelings tended to be lifted, removed quite easily and quickly when we are together.

Go ahead Universe, you can't make me anymore miserable than I am right now with all the things you've thrown at my face. But I also couldn't have been any happier. I've got the person I need, that is loved with every ounce of my heart, who in return loves me with every ounce of my heart.

So love, open your arms this year, and we'll come celebrating with a glass of champagne to share, with roses that will green me and chocolate to feed my lover. Oh, my gift? That's a surprise.


Love, with you, my heart has never been bigger, never been fonder and never been this caring, gentle and genuine.

Impossible to Severe

Forget everything and let's get ready for tomorrow. We'll have to eventually tackle this too. So let's celebrate what we have to and appreciate the bonds we've got that seems impossible to severe right now.

Talk It All The Way To Death

Discuss, Discuss, and discuss some more after lunch. It's time for bed, let's reopen and reexamine everything. The day we meet, the day, everyday, day by day, everything, every second, every thought, every emotion.

What do we have in front of us. Let's argue some. Let's cry some, but still, hold on to me, no matter what.

Misery...let's face that together too.

Openly, frankly and in all of its depths and impossibilities and unlucky factors, let's talk it all out, until there is not a single word left out.

Let's pan it out and kill it with words until the end. Where what we have to do follows logically, like in the personal essay.

Hiatus

Learning to breathe again and giving myself some time. I'm putting everything on hold, reconsidering in the light of all this new information that is viable as death. It's like someone has shoved down the world in poison and expects me to just wake up and get going from where we were before all of this dark side had come to be exposed in sunlight.

I have never been so humiliated in my life before. Every inch of me screams of hate, of hurt, of anger and I am bewildered into a stage of bellicose rebellion. I want to break everything my hand touches upon and throw up in disgust at the sight of this breaches of trust, position, power, and everything that could be sacred between two individuals.                     

I am taking a hiatus from coming to a decision until I've digested everything better. Until the hurt sinks so low that I can look at it from up above and tell myself I could jump over it with enough will power. It's easy to say walk away, slam the door behind you, never look back and move on. But my heart has become to entreched with barbed wires of love that it hurts to breathe. It hurts to recognize the gross moral breach and acknowledge the truth and realize this is reality. This is fact and not fiction. This is not a part of my hyper imagination that seems to take me to places my heart wasn't big enough to go to.

I will never be able to get over this. My heart will remain bruised, but the question begs itself. Can I, live with this bruise with a constant reminder?