Next Big 3 Items of Our Agenda

We've established our big three items in our collective agenda. We've gotten a new apartment and figured out the logistics that goes along with it. We've taken care of my serious health problem, and we have also gotten ourselves insured and went in for our first check ups. We're back in Madison, eased in and totally immersed back in our lives.

Finding lawyers and information about our situation is what comes next and what is of most importance. We have to figure out a way to plan this out carefully and stick to it. Tax season will be coming again and I want to be prepared this time around. Note to self, also do your taxes. I also want to have a tentative plan that would lay out to us what we need to do and give us a time frame to work. Which will make me a better person, a more productive adult as I would have the flames of time on my back, licking my sweat and slashing against my sweat to motivate me. Nothing works like worry and the question of physical survival. I guess we should include that item number two is us individually getting our taxes done. The number three item would be for S to find his new research group so that he can continue on with his program without any hitches.

It's back to reality for us.

A Breath of Relief

Now that our decision has been made, I feel a breath of relief. Even the tension on my shoulders have eased off. It's not to say there aren't challenges still, on the contrary there are many. There will continue to be even more. We have to get ready for a super expedited engagement. We have to consider what this means, how this will affect us, and the next group of steps. Considering that we have expatiated about this conversation so much though, I do feel we are prepared. We've got our list and we're equipped with the essential knowledge to tackle those pesky problems.

While there is one persistent problem that I am still not sure about how to go on handling. I dislike people who try to drive a wedge between any two people. I despise people who try to come in between two people who have a close bond of love, respect and commitment. It's unprofessional, petty and desperate. It is true that since that time in September, S and I have extensively talked about this, our emotions have poured, sometimes culminating in a verbal disagreement that ended up wounding us for the worst. There is little to nothing he could now do about what he did in his past. Unfortunately, he missed the window of opportunity to solve this problem without me learning about it. Now that I have been so thoroughly illuminated, I would love some shadowed crooks to hide my pride and soul in. Regardless though, there is very little I can do about the things I've learned and in returned how they make me feel. Just because they are in the past, does not mean people cannot be held accountable for them and does not take away their power to make me hurt or damage our relationship. Though it does bring us to a fork. 1) I suck up, learn to deal with and then move on. 2) I reevaluate everything we've been through, talk, reassess and move on to a future, separate from S. I've realized number two is not an option, because, I cannot imagine my life without S. I cannot imagine living through everyday, without waking up next to him. I definitely don't want to go to bed without him. So that leaves me with number one. It's going to take time to move on though. Until then, I am going to have to learn to be calmer, and S is going to have to be more patient. To be frank, I don't know how much more a person could be patient is impossible.

But words have power in them. Considering we talked about this in length over a long period of time, thoroughly, into the first days of the morning, we're aware of the problem. We've come to a decision of being married, and even set up a date to take the first step in this journey. Knowing that our future is safer, more secure is powerful. It's powerful to know that I know what exactly S think, has thought and had felt towards this particular problem. It's powerful to know what he is going to do and what he values most. It's a relief to know that he won't bow down and is willing to change. It's powerful to see the transformation in him. For all that, I'm taking a deep breath of relief to a more peaceful future.