Movies and Stagnation

We've been watching too many movies lately. With the crises of our lives sold, decisions being made, informed and decided to move forward, we've entered that stagnating phase where we research, get further details and flesh out the necessary steps so that we know what we will be facing when we decide to go one way over the other. With that, there isn't much else to do but do our own work, come home and watch movies. And when we start walking, the stagnating phase will continue as more research will be in order, we'll be in our trial and discard phase where different things are being tried and upon not liking this or that aspect, we move onto other bigger and better things we define in that slice of time, until we come to a better suiting solution to the problem or process of our goals.

I am not complaining. It's painful to be here and not somewhere else in the sense of my own trials consisting in June, but I am happy. Happy for that fact that we did what we felt we needed to do, we made informed decisions and we're here, both silently working hard, trying to better our lives individually and as a couple. Outside of that, there is nothing else we can influence how our destiny unfolds.

Commitment to Moving

We're fully back and immersed in our lives. Madison.

We're nearly packed and there is not much left. About two months until we move. I could not been any more agitated, anxious and ready to get this move done with. I have no more ties with this place. It's an overbearing, stifling place with no sunshine. No sunshine! At all! I have all these memories bottled up in here and everything is a constant reminder to me. I just don't want to come back at the end of the night and my own personal empire is shrinking, pacing back and about to be destroyed.

I'd like to ease and settle in again, and go back to my own daily schedule and fix my focus on myself, my craft and my own future rather than keep swallowing the old tears of the past.

The End

Thankfully, today has gone over and ended. This is it and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Confrontations aren't something I like to engage in a daily activity. I like to live my day, as it is my first and last, to the fullest, chasing after my own fulfillment and responsibilities. Under normal circumstances, my ideal day goes along the lines of something like this. Waking up around 5, going out for a job or yoga, coming home for a quick shower and a hearty breakfast and being at school/work for the whole day. Coming back home afterwards for a change of clothes, perhaps take a continuing study course, or participate in a research, write, or focus on one of those pesky, never ending individual growth goals. Meet with a friend, friends, a group, spend some time in a bookstore are also good alternatives. Discovering a new place, (indoor, outdoor) or visiting something engrossing are also things I strive for. Some sort of event that would stimulate me are always, I do mean, ALWAYS are welcome. Dinner at about this time in the evening sounds like a good idea. I'd also like to sit down after dishes with a glass of brewed tea, meeting on the couch with S, watching one movie over the other on Netflix or perhaps reading while he'll lay on way end and I'll snuggle up at the other end, until it's time to go to bed and start all over again. Quit, unimpressive, but peaceful, happy and fulfilling. See, I am usually more after the things I have to do so that I can do what I want. That is to read, write and spend time with S, doing various activities. However, don't let this fool you. If the occasion calls for it, I will rise to the challenged, meet it and confront the required thing head and have no qualms, shame about it. This was something that has been coming for a long time.

As this journey has finally arrived at its final destination, S and I have learned so much during this process. While everything thrown at us was directed to separate and tear us apart in a volatile manner, we instead have grown to know our soft spots, see one another at the most vulnerability it created in one person and the two of us in an involved, committed relationship through taxing nights long, that involved crying, screaming, crying again, begging, apologies and frustration at our frail humanity:the things and people we could not let go and the things we would sacrifice to pacify the hole we created in the most important person of our lives. To right the wrong we created by our careless actions and inability to comfortable, tightly shut the door and lid of the past. Due to these what I describe as some of the most emotionally catastrophic events of my entire life we've thoroughly been able to see one another at our highest, lowest, and in all sorts of bad lightening, shadows and dents, with all of our creases, flat surfaces and wrinkles embedded not only on our physical bodies, but of our memories, our fluid time table, soul and ever growing hearts.

The past came naked through our front doors and have stayed until we have gotten familiar, intimate and sexual with it. It came and it stayed with us from about July of 2012 to currently.  Though I can't say that we've quite kicked out of the house for good, it is at least in the hallway, slowly taking the steps to be out of here...soon. We've been outraged, angered, hurt, wounded and had our moralities, principals and ethics questioned, over and over again. Recount, retell, reexplain to me, trying to make sense of something of long ago, that never made any sense to begin with. How could it?  It was something of a young, foolish person, who acted on impulse, what was available, rather than thinking, making the mistake of youthful courage, bravery and lack of morality developed in the middle of an awakened sexuality that is evolving (slowly, but surely) that isn't anywhere near its maturity yet. 

One leaned on it more than it should and the other bent, as much as it could, trying mighty heart not to break. Then the roles switched. Information can be a dangerous thing. Once you find something, the truth, you can never unlearn it and pretend it's not there, avoid eye contact with me and ignore its existence. Perhaps you could, I am sure there are those that does it. At least, it's not in my nature. Perhaps it's my quizzical, questionnaire, paranoid, suspicious, worrying, curious nature that years to learn and to find all the pieces fit perfectly until the picture is created in my mind and I can press the play, pause, rewind and forward button without consequences of missing information or skipping on footage. Perhaps, it's the writer in me that believes everyone has a story, everything in this world is a story and that stories, whether in order or a flow of any sensible direction or not, has to make sense and have some sort of a beginning, progress and an end. Not so clear cut, but the best terms I could explain is this way. Though I suppose, it doesn't help much. Since none of it added up, in anyway of any sort, digging continued until even less made sense and the world underneath my feet were erased in less than the blink of an eye.

We've found through the most lasting way, in demonstration, through tacitly and tenacity, by experience. We found out that certain things in our relationship were to be never broken, always remaining sacred, and boundaries to never cross. There were things to never take granted for, because they could be gone, if the wrong set of steps were followed. We are both fragile and that relationships, require a lot of nurturing, efforts and love, with patience and honesty. We both have to provide it. It doesn't happen with one of the partners following and the other not following in suit.

We found out how stubborn the other one is. We found out the pride, honor, morality, ethics and the shades we put on when we view and analyze the society and how and when individuals engage in sexual, romantic and committed romantic relationships. Our expectations of ourselves, of each other and of our relationship.

We also found out that being able to walk away from the other is not impossible, but improbable. We were both willing to make things work and slowly heal the other, over time, even though it hurt us to stay or went against things we originally believed in. We've found ways to be more grown up and mature.

We demonstrated how much we loved one another and the things we were willing to do.

We've hung on tight, no matter how rocky the turbulance got, we held on tighter and slowly moved through this mine filled land, together. That is far more than what anything and anyone could have given us. We could not have learned these lessons even if we were to plan such lessons to learn. Only in time, under certain circumstances.

Of course I would choose to learn these lessons without so much agony, but I am glad we had found so much of one another in this experience.

The rest, is unnecessary to mention, considering now, everything stands to end and the rest is time we need, we will devote and grant to the other to completely close the lid on this overhyped story that is bound to be nothing more than a big mistake which respective parties (S and I) regret so much that we will dream it to nonexistence.

Walking Madison by step

I took a long walk today. A very long way in Madison. I walked all around Lake Monona, then Lake Mendota. I walked around the Regent Neighborhood, Shorewood and Blackhawk. I walked all the way to Target then in my old neighborhood on the way back. I crossed over the Monroe St. and walked by Vilas Zoo. Here I am. I spend the whole day walking like a crazy person, that's frantically seeking answers from the faces of strangers and by walking Madison's each street. As if that was going to give me the courage and the answers we needed, I needed.

I thought and thought, went into the deep and came up to the surface and I tried to justify what I have to do to the world and perhaps the world would come to understand. Perhaps they can come to accept my action but understanding is very unlikely. But, I know that I have to do this particular thing. Logically, this is our only viable option. Don't you like that phrase, "viable option"? It's really no option at all. The only path that' been forged and what I really would like to do is not something I can dare to do. Definitely, something S is definitely not prepared to do and definitely not something he can weather through. I don't want to put him in this awful situation and bring shackles to his education where it doesn't belong. I'd like him to focus on himself, because that's exactly why he is here and what he needs to do. I'd hate him to look back in the future and regret the decision we now will make, because of only what I purely want, and think of it as obstacles that were arbitrarily brought upon by my stubbornness and the choices I've made as a couple. I don't ever want it to become that way.

But this is really not what I want to do. I really can't bring the justification to be accepted in my heart and the cancelling each other out is bringing me down on my knees, quite literally.

How do you do something you despise?

By the time I came home it was long past dinner time. Since I don't have a phone, it was a long time S worried about me.

A Breath of Relief

Now that our decision has been made, I feel a breath of relief. Even the tension on my shoulders have eased off. It's not to say there aren't challenges still, on the contrary there are many. There will continue to be even more. We have to get ready for a super expedited engagement. We have to consider what this means, how this will affect us, and the next group of steps. Considering that we have expatiated about this conversation so much though, I do feel we are prepared. We've got our list and we're equipped with the essential knowledge to tackle those pesky problems.

While there is one persistent problem that I am still not sure about how to go on handling. I dislike people who try to drive a wedge between any two people. I despise people who try to come in between two people who have a close bond of love, respect and commitment. It's unprofessional, petty and desperate. It is true that since that time in September, S and I have extensively talked about this, our emotions have poured, sometimes culminating in a verbal disagreement that ended up wounding us for the worst. There is little to nothing he could now do about what he did in his past. Unfortunately, he missed the window of opportunity to solve this problem without me learning about it. Now that I have been so thoroughly illuminated, I would love some shadowed crooks to hide my pride and soul in. Regardless though, there is very little I can do about the things I've learned and in returned how they make me feel. Just because they are in the past, does not mean people cannot be held accountable for them and does not take away their power to make me hurt or damage our relationship. Though it does bring us to a fork. 1) I suck up, learn to deal with and then move on. 2) I reevaluate everything we've been through, talk, reassess and move on to a future, separate from S. I've realized number two is not an option, because, I cannot imagine my life without S. I cannot imagine living through everyday, without waking up next to him. I definitely don't want to go to bed without him. So that leaves me with number one. It's going to take time to move on though. Until then, I am going to have to learn to be calmer, and S is going to have to be more patient. To be frank, I don't know how much more a person could be patient is impossible.

But words have power in them. Considering we talked about this in length over a long period of time, thoroughly, into the first days of the morning, we're aware of the problem. We've come to a decision of being married, and even set up a date to take the first step in this journey. Knowing that our future is safer, more secure is powerful. It's powerful to know that I know what exactly S think, has thought and had felt towards this particular problem. It's powerful to know what he is going to do and what he values most. It's a relief to know that he won't bow down and is willing to change. It's powerful to see the transformation in him. For all that, I'm taking a deep breath of relief to a more peaceful future.

Decisions

When coming to some sort of conclusion so obvious that it hurts you were unable to see it, coming to a decision process fastens up. Inevitably. So the decision is set. I am going to suffer willingly for a few more months when April comes along, I will smoothly transit over to another job. Perhaps, I'll do two jobs for a bit, as I train at the other place and gain some experience working there that I won't be suffering through any lost wages and income. After all, I am in this situation for the sake of "The Bitch Goddess" and we are in need of it's mercy to be merry to us so we can be fortunate enough to benefit from it's cheer and happiness.

And, I've come this far, I don't want to go back to negatives just as I've reached to a big fat ZERO.