I took a long walk today. A very long way in Madison. I walked all around Lake Monona, then Lake Mendota. I walked around the Regent Neighborhood, Shorewood and Blackhawk. I walked all the way to Target then in my old neighborhood on the way back. I crossed over the Monroe St. and walked by Vilas Zoo. Here I am. I spend the whole day walking like a crazy person, that's frantically seeking answers from the faces of strangers and by walking Madison's each street. As if that was going to give me the courage and the answers we needed, I needed.
I thought and thought, went into the deep and came up to the surface and I tried to justify what I have to do to the world and perhaps the world would come to understand. Perhaps they can come to accept my action but understanding is very unlikely. But, I know that I have to do this particular thing. Logically, this is our only viable option. Don't you like that phrase, "viable option"? It's really no option at all. The only path that' been forged and what I really would like to do is not something I can dare to do. Definitely, something S is definitely not prepared to do and definitely not something he can weather through. I don't want to put him in this awful situation and bring shackles to his education where it doesn't belong. I'd like him to focus on himself, because that's exactly why he is here and what he needs to do. I'd hate him to look back in the future and regret the decision we now will make, because of only what I purely want, and think of it as obstacles that were arbitrarily brought upon by my stubbornness and the choices I've made as a couple. I don't ever want it to become that way.
But this is really not what I want to do. I really can't bring the justification to be accepted in my heart and the cancelling each other out is bringing me down on my knees, quite literally.
How do you do something you despise?
By the time I came home it was long past dinner time. Since I don't have a phone, it was a long time S worried about me.
I thought and thought, went into the deep and came up to the surface and I tried to justify what I have to do to the world and perhaps the world would come to understand. Perhaps they can come to accept my action but understanding is very unlikely. But, I know that I have to do this particular thing. Logically, this is our only viable option. Don't you like that phrase, "viable option"? It's really no option at all. The only path that' been forged and what I really would like to do is not something I can dare to do. Definitely, something S is definitely not prepared to do and definitely not something he can weather through. I don't want to put him in this awful situation and bring shackles to his education where it doesn't belong. I'd like him to focus on himself, because that's exactly why he is here and what he needs to do. I'd hate him to look back in the future and regret the decision we now will make, because of only what I purely want, and think of it as obstacles that were arbitrarily brought upon by my stubbornness and the choices I've made as a couple. I don't ever want it to become that way.
But this is really not what I want to do. I really can't bring the justification to be accepted in my heart and the cancelling each other out is bringing me down on my knees, quite literally.
How do you do something you despise?
By the time I came home it was long past dinner time. Since I don't have a phone, it was a long time S worried about me.
No comments:
Post a Comment