Already

It's March, already? I haven't done anything. Where did it all of it go? The time? The books I was supposed to read. I feel like a bleached, dirty mop. The wondrous feelings of joy, of enjoying being engaged socially, officially and into the nights. The celebrating phase, where we're supposed to be partying it up at dinners, get-togethers, parties and what not. Where did all of that go? Oh, right, because I just couldn't get myself to do anything as we returned from Rochester and learned of our devastating news. I've slumped and although I want to get out of this slump; at the very least change the circumstances of my slump, it just feels too draining to even decide. My hair follicles hurt, my arms feel heavy and sleep  has this torturing grip on me that it's just never enough, but it further erodes my soul.

What do I do? It isn't just easy to get up, open the blinds and let the fresh winter air come in. Sometimes I wish I had that much energy. Getting up to shower feels like a chore to me. I don't see the point, I'll just get dirty once again. Sleeping, waking up, going to bed, anything.  I feel out of touch and such incoherence is taking in my soul and mind separately that the ripple effects are astounding and gives me concussions. I am afraid to take a step back, I am even more afraid to take a step further. Action feels the worst. Taking that next step will change my life forever; whether for best or for worst is unknown at the moment. But I am afraid of what's to come when I do take that action. Such incomprehensibility that I just don't know what's going to happen. Not knowing, how this would effect me psychologically  terrifies me. And all of that horrid feelings of horror, fearing of the change, fearing of what it would make me and being cloaked in sin that I've seem to be immobilized by what is going on in between my mind and heart.

But  I have to get out of this. This hole of abyss that is leading me into hell--inevitably that is where I will end, but at least until then, I must see the world once more.