Night Terrors

S is sleeping, soundly on the bed, upstairs. I couldn't sleep. I keep having these nightmares for the past months that seems inescapable by now. Another one of them woke me up, I couldn't go bed. Tossing and turning doesn't help and I really didn't wish to wake S up.

Like a snake, sliding down the stairs, carefully, without a noise, I made my way into the living room. I am not particularly in the mood for watching anything, anime included. I don't want to write either. I've become quite a boring reader and quite afraid of writing. I am afraid of what's going to show up and how much of the stifling feelings I've been keeping down. I don't want to know what it is I am truly feeling and the depth of my despair...I don't want to realize it. I don't want to come to that yet. It's far too heavy of a burden and realizing that now, will only complicate things further, way too much.

I sweat away as I make these tiny calculations and the knot in my stomach grows tighter, adding one more loop and the more impossible it becomes to untangle this reality. I am afraid. I just want this to go away. I don't want to recognize anything, I don't want to realize it. Have I done the daunting task of talking it out yet? Has it all come out? Can I please get over with this? I don't want to suffer the consequences.

It's safe right next to S. But here, lions are out to get me. I am the worst predator out there. I harm myself the most. It's unbelievable.I'd like to be reminded of what Night Sleep was.