New Moms

New Moms...what a difficult phase in life. Your body is totally different, its almost not your own.

There is a new member of your life and your whole life has just changed course, its pacing has changed, forever.

Some women have help from wonderful family and friends and an encouraging, helpful, eager to learn husband/partner/wife, etc. Some women only can relay on one person, and one person only. Some women are entirely alone, without any help, any guidance, anyone there to comfort them, completely alone, independent and on their own.

Some women come into the territory as prepared as possible. True, you can never be as prepared as you think you can be solely by taking parenting classes, birthing classes, reading books, articles and studies, changing your diet, your lifestyle, watching videos and participating in online discussion boards, having a close relationship with your doctor who can answer medically related questions for you and can help you in the medical field. But these things exist for a reason and it can prepare you plenty. It can prepare you to the kinds of stuff you may need, you may feel and you may face. The information you'd be too frantic to see, even clear basic ones. An overall, general understanding that can allow you to troubleshoot and ask the right kind of questions, when to realize what is an emergency and what is not.

Women like Banu, think that it is entirely instinctual. They do not think that picking up a book, reading about it, going online researching or asking questions to their doctors are necessary or even needed.

Then, we see the differences between New Moms, who are capable of doing things themselves rather than relying on people who are around to do things for them (when lucky enough).

Already

It's March, already? I haven't done anything. Where did it all of it go? The time? The books I was supposed to read. I feel like a bleached, dirty mop. The wondrous feelings of joy, of enjoying being engaged socially, officially and into the nights. The celebrating phase, where we're supposed to be partying it up at dinners, get-togethers, parties and what not. Where did all of that go? Oh, right, because I just couldn't get myself to do anything as we returned from Rochester and learned of our devastating news. I've slumped and although I want to get out of this slump; at the very least change the circumstances of my slump, it just feels too draining to even decide. My hair follicles hurt, my arms feel heavy and sleep  has this torturing grip on me that it's just never enough, but it further erodes my soul.

What do I do? It isn't just easy to get up, open the blinds and let the fresh winter air come in. Sometimes I wish I had that much energy. Getting up to shower feels like a chore to me. I don't see the point, I'll just get dirty once again. Sleeping, waking up, going to bed, anything.  I feel out of touch and such incoherence is taking in my soul and mind separately that the ripple effects are astounding and gives me concussions. I am afraid to take a step back, I am even more afraid to take a step further. Action feels the worst. Taking that next step will change my life forever; whether for best or for worst is unknown at the moment. But I am afraid of what's to come when I do take that action. Such incomprehensibility that I just don't know what's going to happen. Not knowing, how this would effect me psychologically  terrifies me. And all of that horrid feelings of horror, fearing of the change, fearing of what it would make me and being cloaked in sin that I've seem to be immobilized by what is going on in between my mind and heart.

But  I have to get out of this. This hole of abyss that is leading me into hell--inevitably that is where I will end, but at least until then, I must see the world once more.