Thankfully, today has gone over and ended. This is it and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Confrontations aren't something I like to engage in a daily activity. I like to live my day, as it is my first and last, to the fullest, chasing after my own fulfillment and responsibilities. Under normal circumstances, my ideal day goes along the lines of something like this. Waking up around 5, going out for a job or yoga, coming home for a quick shower and a hearty breakfast and being at school/work for the whole day. Coming back home afterwards for a change of clothes, perhaps take a continuing study course, or participate in a research, write, or focus on one of those pesky, never ending individual growth goals. Meet with a friend, friends, a group, spend some time in a bookstore are also good alternatives. Discovering a new place, (indoor, outdoor) or visiting something engrossing are also things I strive for. Some sort of event that would stimulate me are always, I do mean, ALWAYS are welcome. Dinner at about this time in the evening sounds like a good idea. I'd also like to sit down after dishes with a glass of brewed tea, meeting on the couch with S, watching one movie over the other on Netflix or perhaps reading while he'll lay on way end and I'll snuggle up at the other end, until it's time to go to bed and start all over again. Quit, unimpressive, but peaceful, happy and fulfilling. See, I am usually more after the things I have to do so that I can do what I want. That is to read, write and spend time with S, doing various activities. However, don't let this fool you. If the occasion calls for it, I will rise to the challenged, meet it and confront the required thing head and have no qualms, shame about it. This was something that has been coming for a long time.
As this journey has finally arrived at its final destination, S and I have learned so much during this process. While everything thrown at us was directed to separate and tear us apart in a volatile manner, we instead have grown to know our soft spots, see one another at the most vulnerability it created in one person and the two of us in an involved, committed relationship through taxing nights long, that involved crying, screaming, crying again, begging, apologies and frustration at our frail humanity:the things and people we could not let go and the things we would sacrifice to pacify the hole we created in the most important person of our lives. To right the wrong we created by our careless actions and inability to comfortable, tightly shut the door and lid of the past. Due to these what I describe as some of the most emotionally catastrophic events of my entire life we've thoroughly been able to see one another at our highest, lowest, and in all sorts of bad lightening, shadows and dents, with all of our creases, flat surfaces and wrinkles embedded not only on our physical bodies, but of our memories, our fluid time table, soul and ever growing hearts.
The past came naked through our front doors and have stayed until we have gotten familiar, intimate and sexual with it. It came and it stayed with us from about July of 2012 to currently. Though I can't say that we've quite kicked out of the house for good, it is at least in the hallway, slowly taking the steps to be out of here...soon. We've been outraged, angered, hurt, wounded and had our moralities, principals and ethics questioned, over and over again. Recount, retell, reexplain to me, trying to make sense of something of long ago, that never made any sense to begin with. How could it? It was something of a young, foolish person, who acted on impulse, what was available, rather than thinking, making the mistake of youthful courage, bravery and lack of morality developed in the middle of an awakened sexuality that is evolving (slowly, but surely) that isn't anywhere near its maturity yet.
One leaned on it more than it should and the other bent, as much as it could, trying mighty heart not to break. Then the roles switched. Information can be a dangerous thing. Once you find something, the truth, you can never unlearn it and pretend it's not there, avoid eye contact with me and ignore its existence. Perhaps you could, I am sure there are those that does it. At least, it's not in my nature. Perhaps it's my quizzical, questionnaire, paranoid, suspicious, worrying, curious nature that years to learn and to find all the pieces fit perfectly until the picture is created in my mind and I can press the play, pause, rewind and forward button without consequences of missing information or skipping on footage. Perhaps, it's the writer in me that believes everyone has a story, everything in this world is a story and that stories, whether in order or a flow of any sensible direction or not, has to make sense and have some sort of a beginning, progress and an end. Not so clear cut, but the best terms I could explain is this way. Though I suppose, it doesn't help much. Since none of it added up, in anyway of any sort, digging continued until even less made sense and the world underneath my feet were erased in less than the blink of an eye.
We've found through the most lasting way, in demonstration, through tacitly and tenacity, by experience. We found out that certain things in our relationship were to be never broken, always remaining sacred, and boundaries to never cross. There were things to never take granted for, because they could be gone, if the wrong set of steps were followed. We are both fragile and that relationships, require a lot of nurturing, efforts and love, with patience and honesty. We both have to provide it. It doesn't happen with one of the partners following and the other not following in suit.
We found out how stubborn the other one is. We found out the pride, honor, morality, ethics and the shades we put on when we view and analyze the society and how and when individuals engage in sexual, romantic and committed romantic relationships. Our expectations of ourselves, of each other and of our relationship.
We also found out that being able to walk away from the other is not impossible, but improbable. We were both willing to make things work and slowly heal the other, over time, even though it hurt us to stay or went against things we originally believed in. We've found ways to be more grown up and mature.
We demonstrated how much we loved one another and the things we were willing to do.
We've hung on tight, no matter how rocky the turbulance got, we held on tighter and slowly moved through this mine filled land, together. That is far more than what anything and anyone could have given us. We could not have learned these lessons even if we were to plan such lessons to learn. Only in time, under certain circumstances.
Of course I would choose to learn these lessons without so much agony, but I am glad we had found so much of one another in this experience.
The rest, is unnecessary to mention, considering now, everything stands to end and the rest is time we need, we will devote and grant to the other to completely close the lid on this overhyped story that is bound to be nothing more than a big mistake which respective parties (S and I) regret so much that we will dream it to nonexistence.
As this journey has finally arrived at its final destination, S and I have learned so much during this process. While everything thrown at us was directed to separate and tear us apart in a volatile manner, we instead have grown to know our soft spots, see one another at the most vulnerability it created in one person and the two of us in an involved, committed relationship through taxing nights long, that involved crying, screaming, crying again, begging, apologies and frustration at our frail humanity:the things and people we could not let go and the things we would sacrifice to pacify the hole we created in the most important person of our lives. To right the wrong we created by our careless actions and inability to comfortable, tightly shut the door and lid of the past. Due to these what I describe as some of the most emotionally catastrophic events of my entire life we've thoroughly been able to see one another at our highest, lowest, and in all sorts of bad lightening, shadows and dents, with all of our creases, flat surfaces and wrinkles embedded not only on our physical bodies, but of our memories, our fluid time table, soul and ever growing hearts.
The past came naked through our front doors and have stayed until we have gotten familiar, intimate and sexual with it. It came and it stayed with us from about July of 2012 to currently. Though I can't say that we've quite kicked out of the house for good, it is at least in the hallway, slowly taking the steps to be out of here...soon. We've been outraged, angered, hurt, wounded and had our moralities, principals and ethics questioned, over and over again. Recount, retell, reexplain to me, trying to make sense of something of long ago, that never made any sense to begin with. How could it? It was something of a young, foolish person, who acted on impulse, what was available, rather than thinking, making the mistake of youthful courage, bravery and lack of morality developed in the middle of an awakened sexuality that is evolving (slowly, but surely) that isn't anywhere near its maturity yet.
One leaned on it more than it should and the other bent, as much as it could, trying mighty heart not to break. Then the roles switched. Information can be a dangerous thing. Once you find something, the truth, you can never unlearn it and pretend it's not there, avoid eye contact with me and ignore its existence. Perhaps you could, I am sure there are those that does it. At least, it's not in my nature. Perhaps it's my quizzical, questionnaire, paranoid, suspicious, worrying, curious nature that years to learn and to find all the pieces fit perfectly until the picture is created in my mind and I can press the play, pause, rewind and forward button without consequences of missing information or skipping on footage. Perhaps, it's the writer in me that believes everyone has a story, everything in this world is a story and that stories, whether in order or a flow of any sensible direction or not, has to make sense and have some sort of a beginning, progress and an end. Not so clear cut, but the best terms I could explain is this way. Though I suppose, it doesn't help much. Since none of it added up, in anyway of any sort, digging continued until even less made sense and the world underneath my feet were erased in less than the blink of an eye.
We've found through the most lasting way, in demonstration, through tacitly and tenacity, by experience. We found out that certain things in our relationship were to be never broken, always remaining sacred, and boundaries to never cross. There were things to never take granted for, because they could be gone, if the wrong set of steps were followed. We are both fragile and that relationships, require a lot of nurturing, efforts and love, with patience and honesty. We both have to provide it. It doesn't happen with one of the partners following and the other not following in suit.
We found out how stubborn the other one is. We found out the pride, honor, morality, ethics and the shades we put on when we view and analyze the society and how and when individuals engage in sexual, romantic and committed romantic relationships. Our expectations of ourselves, of each other and of our relationship.
We also found out that being able to walk away from the other is not impossible, but improbable. We were both willing to make things work and slowly heal the other, over time, even though it hurt us to stay or went against things we originally believed in. We've found ways to be more grown up and mature.
We demonstrated how much we loved one another and the things we were willing to do.
We've hung on tight, no matter how rocky the turbulance got, we held on tighter and slowly moved through this mine filled land, together. That is far more than what anything and anyone could have given us. We could not have learned these lessons even if we were to plan such lessons to learn. Only in time, under certain circumstances.
Of course I would choose to learn these lessons without so much agony, but I am glad we had found so much of one another in this experience.
The rest, is unnecessary to mention, considering now, everything stands to end and the rest is time we need, we will devote and grant to the other to completely close the lid on this overhyped story that is bound to be nothing more than a big mistake which respective parties (S and I) regret so much that we will dream it to nonexistence.
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