Movies and Stagnation

We've been watching too many movies lately. With the crises of our lives sold, decisions being made, informed and decided to move forward, we've entered that stagnating phase where we research, get further details and flesh out the necessary steps so that we know what we will be facing when we decide to go one way over the other. With that, there isn't much else to do but do our own work, come home and watch movies. And when we start walking, the stagnating phase will continue as more research will be in order, we'll be in our trial and discard phase where different things are being tried and upon not liking this or that aspect, we move onto other bigger and better things we define in that slice of time, until we come to a better suiting solution to the problem or process of our goals.

I am not complaining. It's painful to be here and not somewhere else in the sense of my own trials consisting in June, but I am happy. Happy for that fact that we did what we felt we needed to do, we made informed decisions and we're here, both silently working hard, trying to better our lives individually and as a couple. Outside of that, there is nothing else we can influence how our destiny unfolds.

Moving Forward

It's been hard, littered with obstacles, even more so, very unlike me. At least in the way that I have been moving forward, the choices I've made and the path we have chosen as a couple. But I do believe that we've made the best decision individually and as a couple. This ship is ready to sail, go through any kind of weather and eventually anchor in the deepest part of the ocean and live on beautifully from sunshine to moonshine.

It wasn't easy and I still haven't accepted much. There is so much I haven't embraces and there is still so much to account for, retell, understand anew and continue on. The key isn't to pretend it didn't happen (at least with me. I can't do that. I've learned long ago that I cannot lie to myself) it's to build according to that, get out new lesson plans reach to deeper understanding of what went wrong, what each party wants and how of that is something that can be accommodated.

After my world crashed, day by day, then night by night, all the anger flew out, the hurt slowly settled down and bruised in so many places. It got bigger and the tears started to roll down and it sunk in so low that I couldn't breathe. It sat right on top of my chest and sleep became unbearable, the day worst still. Frustration started to build, and my need to find logic in such perverse and disgusting actions. When I couldn't, I had to push further until I found a glimmer of hope that possessed the ability to hold a logical explanation to all of this. When all the tears flowed out, it took some of the sting away with it. Then analyzing slowly dulled, because it was analyzed to death. It no longer could be. Everything laid so bare, so naked, so vulnerable on the table that it was hurtful to look. Then we started to act. One small act at a time, one smile at a time, one touch at a time. Things eased off, slowly got brighter in color and lighter in weight. Slowly, it became bearable again. Life became bearable, livable.

Then we've decided to make it work, again and again, again and that wasn't again until we've made the decision to make it through daily. Because really, it was that bad. Couldn't go, couldn't say. How awful.
Roots.

Stay.
Stay.
Stay.

Day awoke. Hope seeded itself in me again. Something to look forward to began appearing. The things we've become momentarily blind to, we've begun to see them once more.

Moving forward, one inch at a time.