Labels

I've been trying to continually publish on here. As dark as the state of my mind has been. It has been proven to me, continually that when I use labels to describe my blog posts, they attract more attention. Some more than others…On the other hand, when I don't attach any, though, all I have left is a big fat zero. Sometimes there is a cute 1, but that's about it.

As humankind, we're intimately invested in labels, the superficial observation, knowledge, and understanding. Just enough to know whether the other is like us or different. We don't care why, how, and in what ways. We just care whether the other is different and if it can be assimilated. If not, then why spend my time here? Let's move on. Collectively, throughout many cultures, this has been our pattern of dealing with others.

So, let's keep labeling away, while attracting some and on the other hand, isolating others.

Looking Back

August is out and September is in. Fall doesn't seem to be really settling in yet. It's the transitions that are the most painful it seems. Still we are having fall outs of having newly moved to an apartment, my procedure and built up anxiety over the past. Sometimes to the point of over talking it.

Students are fully back in, parties are everywhere, coffee shops are crowded with laptops, charger cables, books, highlighters and lots of red, BUCKY shirts, sweatshirts and hats. There is some sort of peace that's buzzying mightily behind everyone's ears and inside their veins that's pushing everyone to congregate to study, to party, to misbehave and to fall in love.

Summer technically isn't over yet, and it sure does feel summer, though my mind is confused as it should be Fall and I am looking forward to fall this year.

My job as a nanny is going well. I've just begun getting used to the children, learning their quirks, personalities enough to know how to behave in order to follow the rules and also keep them happy. Compromises.

It's hard though. I've always understood mothers, their difficulties and trials, by observing, by reading and trying to put myself in their shoes. But this job as a nanny has opened my eyes wide and I am totally awake to the truth, the reality of being a mother, without being a mother. But when you become a nanny as a full time, spending about 10 hours a day with these children and trying to get house chores and hobbies and a job, it is so frustrating. Children, being their own beings and don't particularly follow up on rules all the times, simply because they're tired, sick, sad, not feeling well, whatever the reason may be, just like an adult.

We're settling in, seeing that moving in doesnt solve all problems and that we have ways to go. I definitely need to learn to exercise my anger and frustration of all the events that have culminated within my vassal.

Devil's Lake

As a family, with my brother included and our friends, we've made our way to Devil's Lake, to celebrate both moving and the extremely nice weather in August. Celebrate while you can and worry about the rest later.

The water was crystal, pristine and warm. Jumping off our rock has to be S's favorite thing, well, maybe besides eating the grilled meat.We are thorough omnivores and nothing gets between us and our meat. This isn't always good, but it's better than none at all as I always say.

A time to take back and be out there in the world, is all I can ask.

Movies and Stagnation

We've been watching too many movies lately. With the crises of our lives sold, decisions being made, informed and decided to move forward, we've entered that stagnating phase where we research, get further details and flesh out the necessary steps so that we know what we will be facing when we decide to go one way over the other. With that, there isn't much else to do but do our own work, come home and watch movies. And when we start walking, the stagnating phase will continue as more research will be in order, we'll be in our trial and discard phase where different things are being tried and upon not liking this or that aspect, we move onto other bigger and better things we define in that slice of time, until we come to a better suiting solution to the problem or process of our goals.

I am not complaining. It's painful to be here and not somewhere else in the sense of my own trials consisting in June, but I am happy. Happy for that fact that we did what we felt we needed to do, we made informed decisions and we're here, both silently working hard, trying to better our lives individually and as a couple. Outside of that, there is nothing else we can influence how our destiny unfolds.

Our New Apartment

Finally, after our long search online, never ending mailing back and forth, and endless apartment visiting to find an affordable but a clean apartment where we could call our next home has surfaced. We signed our lease, and paid our deposit. What a relief this is. Amongst everything, this is one thing I am so excited and happy about. It took us a long time, but I am satisfied with the final decision we've made. Also, we won't be far away from our old apartment, still in the same neighborhood, but with a better access to downtown and the bus stops. Now, all that's left is to pack, move and unpack. Oy.

With that crossed off our list though, I am sure I'll be able to sleep better tonight!

Time is of Essence

Time is of essence. I am a firm believer in that. It's a fluid, frigid, impossible to reverse, but possible to repeat, relive and always consumed thing. It is of essence, because we are all here on borrowed time that reminds us we are here, alive, but definitely not permanently. We eventually move on from here to wherever you believe there is next after here.

It's fluid, because we have the ability to relive several similar experiences. It's fluid because there are universal, or near universal experiences most humans go through at different times, but in their time on here. While one matures quicker, the other matures more slowly. Everyone's evolutions are their own, in their own pace and with their own lessons to learn. Some end up having to grow up fast, while others are granted a longer childhood with less responsibilities and less severe consequences.

It's frigid, because once we live through a second, a day, a month we unfortunately have lived it up and time, is up. It doesn't always give us a second chance, the thing we give away, we take and made to sacrifice, taken away from us, forcefully or violently, are never to be returned to us. For that it is frigid.

We consume it always, and its borrowed time, until eventually we run out of ability to borrow for any longer.

But time is of essence. We must do the things we must do, when we must, in order to accomplish and move on to the next stage, where we are meant to be.

Until then, keep moving.