Locks of Hair, Clicks of Time

I cut off a big chunk of my hair in May, right before our wedding ceremony. It's August and it's grown about two inches since then. Continuity of time continues to surprise me, it's always outside of my grasp and conviction. I can never pace myself accordingly and time slips by despite of me.

So much has happened since then. It feels like a long time and really, yesterday at the same time. I can't believe the fluidity of it all.

Here's to healthy hair and a healthy well being, misunderstood, misconceived measures of time.

A dab of Organix Moroccan Oil.

Welcome, July

I can't believe it's already July. Where did the time go? It was March the last time I checked. It suddenly became May despite my protests and then moved on to June, in my disbelief. My ability to attach time and form an association with the said time has become more difficult and tattered as of late. My understanding of time as a concept has been obscured beyond any remedy.

I am glad it's July. That means I have about a month and a half until we move. Everything is ready for the moving, except say the kitchen and last bit of clothes until then. I feel like since we can't settle in and don't feel like this apartment is a home any longer, it's difficult to create a bond, which is even more difficult to make me get up and clean it. Though, I am still regularly cooking and that is a win for me right now. But because there is no ties here, there is no ability to make any kind of schedule that sticks. We keep living abnormally, unattached like a pair of floating ghosts traveling through time.

I am going to be so glad by the time we move in that I'll probably be losing sanity once again.

Currently, though I am doing much better. At least I am pretending to be normal during the day hours, faking through human emotions, reactions and interactions. At night though, is an entirely different story. But the rituals that can be repeated are the only true solace I have. The things I have to get through are my current motivators. I just can't afford to slip up and let it all wash over me, drowning me in their sadness.

TIME

My ability to judge the passing of time has been permanently suspended. I can't relate, understand and work within the given parameters. It seems like a blur. I wake up, I do something and sleep. We're always clearing up the table, I am always washing dishes, doing laundry and making boxes. More and more. It feels like this moving out is taking me out of my skin. I already want to be over with it and enjoy my summer. It seems the least likely available option to me currently.

I can't understand due dates, availabilities, meetings, responsibilities and important dates. My mind is confused and I just can't catch up. Can we throw away calendars, time and any kind of promises away?

Review

Currently, we're at the stage that some action is better than no action. I am still severely depressed, my mind is bogged down with so many questions that nights are rather uncomfortable when it's time to sleep. My mind can't put these questions to sleep, they can't be answered and because I am hesitant to take action, feeling cornered that any step I take, whether backwards or forward, I will have the floor crumbling beneath, I've been holding my breath and that seems to be the strategy I am going for, at the moment at least.

Because of that, I can't actually feel any better, lighter or coax myself into believing that our situation has improved. It hasn't. I still need a job, we need to discuss a number of things that all happen to be large umbrellas that contain a number of sub-genres with divisions. But, there is some action, which is better than none, even if it's getting back into cooking again. Sometimes, you have to start slowly and count the things you can do as gifts of the day. Other wise it's way too easy to come down and be pressed to death with all the things that just aren't and will not be happening, like going back into past.

Time is of Essence

Time is of essence. I am a firm believer in that. It's a fluid, frigid, impossible to reverse, but possible to repeat, relive and always consumed thing. It is of essence, because we are all here on borrowed time that reminds us we are here, alive, but definitely not permanently. We eventually move on from here to wherever you believe there is next after here.

It's fluid, because we have the ability to relive several similar experiences. It's fluid because there are universal, or near universal experiences most humans go through at different times, but in their time on here. While one matures quicker, the other matures more slowly. Everyone's evolutions are their own, in their own pace and with their own lessons to learn. Some end up having to grow up fast, while others are granted a longer childhood with less responsibilities and less severe consequences.

It's frigid, because once we live through a second, a day, a month we unfortunately have lived it up and time, is up. It doesn't always give us a second chance, the thing we give away, we take and made to sacrifice, taken away from us, forcefully or violently, are never to be returned to us. For that it is frigid.

We consume it always, and its borrowed time, until eventually we run out of ability to borrow for any longer.

But time is of essence. We must do the things we must do, when we must, in order to accomplish and move on to the next stage, where we are meant to be.

Until then, keep moving.