Abyss

Another obstacle, another break, another set of bad news. My head hurts, will this ever end? Will we ever heard good news? I am just exhausted, want to crawl into a ball, pull over my blankets, cry until my eyes hurt and never get up from the bed.

It's like a never ending cycle of depression. It's persistent, awful and atrocious. My heart keeps breaking into pieces and I feel more out of touch sometimes, no matter how hard I try. Every morning Everyday I wake up, go through my rituals and the necessities of being alive. But there is a harrowing hole in my chest, that keeps growing bigger. I feel hallow, emptied and vacant. I can't seem to be interested in anything. I go through the motions of smiling, greeting, caring, answering and asking questions of pretending that there is absolutely nothing wrong even though my whole world is caving underneath my very feet and I have no idea where I will be falling.

I've been rejected from everything, so much that it feels as if, I am condemned and forgotten. No matter what I hold dear, what I painstakingly nurture, crumbles to ashes in my very own small palms, with nothing but burn marks left. The scars to remind. At this point, everything seems to go negative, everything seems like a challenge. At the end of the day, I don't even want to come back home, because it no longer feels like a home. Our home has become a storage room for our boxes. There is a little less than a month left, and I can't wait to move into our new apartment. There is literally, only that left we're counting on.

Welcome, July

I can't believe it's already July. Where did the time go? It was March the last time I checked. It suddenly became May despite my protests and then moved on to June, in my disbelief. My ability to attach time and form an association with the said time has become more difficult and tattered as of late. My understanding of time as a concept has been obscured beyond any remedy.

I am glad it's July. That means I have about a month and a half until we move. Everything is ready for the moving, except say the kitchen and last bit of clothes until then. I feel like since we can't settle in and don't feel like this apartment is a home any longer, it's difficult to create a bond, which is even more difficult to make me get up and clean it. Though, I am still regularly cooking and that is a win for me right now. But because there is no ties here, there is no ability to make any kind of schedule that sticks. We keep living abnormally, unattached like a pair of floating ghosts traveling through time.

I am going to be so glad by the time we move in that I'll probably be losing sanity once again.

Currently, though I am doing much better. At least I am pretending to be normal during the day hours, faking through human emotions, reactions and interactions. At night though, is an entirely different story. But the rituals that can be repeated are the only true solace I have. The things I have to get through are my current motivators. I just can't afford to slip up and let it all wash over me, drowning me in their sadness.

Dreary February

For being the month of lovers, February is definitely dreary and nothing so lovely about it--well, except the name.

By this time of the year, I've had enough of snow, cold, bitterness and the darkness settling in so early that it feels inescapable that we're imprisoned it's dungeons of betrayal. I get anxious for March to come around, though that's hardly any better, ever. The snow that keeps piling in front of our door is rather discouraging and we've slowly pulled into ourselves with our situation and all, and well it being Madison and being too cold to actually do anything within walking radius of the city.

The holiday season is over, everyone's bank accounts are broke, and the cheeriness is gone. Everyone is in the mode of self loathing and possess the attitude "let's just get over winter, shall we?" and have let everything else go to hell. Everyone is depressed, everyone is stressed and we've been imprisoned in our blocks of buildings we've created for shelter, security and privacy. Too much privacy. I doubt anyone has seen one another since Christmas parties.

February puts me into depression just by existing. Thankfully, it's a few days shorter. Why? It beats the hell out of me.