Abyss

Another obstacle, another break, another set of bad news. My head hurts, will this ever end? Will we ever heard good news? I am just exhausted, want to crawl into a ball, pull over my blankets, cry until my eyes hurt and never get up from the bed.

It's like a never ending cycle of depression. It's persistent, awful and atrocious. My heart keeps breaking into pieces and I feel more out of touch sometimes, no matter how hard I try. Every morning Everyday I wake up, go through my rituals and the necessities of being alive. But there is a harrowing hole in my chest, that keeps growing bigger. I feel hallow, emptied and vacant. I can't seem to be interested in anything. I go through the motions of smiling, greeting, caring, answering and asking questions of pretending that there is absolutely nothing wrong even though my whole world is caving underneath my very feet and I have no idea where I will be falling.

I've been rejected from everything, so much that it feels as if, I am condemned and forgotten. No matter what I hold dear, what I painstakingly nurture, crumbles to ashes in my very own small palms, with nothing but burn marks left. The scars to remind. At this point, everything seems to go negative, everything seems like a challenge. At the end of the day, I don't even want to come back home, because it no longer feels like a home. Our home has become a storage room for our boxes. There is a little less than a month left, and I can't wait to move into our new apartment. There is literally, only that left we're counting on.

PAIN

My body screams of pain, hurt and tries to reject the reality of the situation to the best of its ability, which comes back to smack me in the face even harder.

This is the hardest thing we've ever done.

Hello Rochester

And of course, as someone who understands myself, my inner workings and the multifaceted personality of mine, multi-porous emotions that even confuse the heck out of me, I knew that the very things that will make me feel bad will also be my medicine in not to go spiraling down into a deep depression which I had a minimum change of recovering for a long time. So being around my sunshine mom, which her always positive, upbeat attitude that always gets up in the morning no matter what kind of hell had broken loose the night before would heal me away, without knowing anything of the source of our mutual agony.

So, here's to being in Rochester, with family, being surrounded by love and a new life.

The Loss

...
Today is the worst day of my life and I could never, in length, in an open, frank conversation (exception one with myself and my husband) talk about what is really going on as this is the most horrid thing I've ever experienced and the most private to date.

Today is incredibly more challenging, difficult, hurtful, regretful, sorrowful day of my life and even more so than yesterday. This mini trip to Chicago was taken with a particular goal in mind and we have achieved the said mission as it broke our hearts into happiness. Even in such, my only solace and consolation is that, I have a pair of arms who is understanding, patient and healing. I have one heartbeat I could turn to as he would accept, love and let me cry my eyes out, until I am satisfied.

To say, I'm regretting every bit of the action we took, and every reason that got us to here, and every person responsible and the end result is an understatement. I had never imagined such a dark day. Somethings are only imagined and understood through sharing similar experiences. Here's to losing something, I had never wanted to lose.

I will never forgive myself.

Another Set of Bad News

It seems S can't catch a break. I think he caught my bad case of luck from me. He is the person whose life has went according to plan, and things happening, what he wanted, even if they were delayed. Now that he knows he won't be teaching either, we just don't know what to do financially. We were getting by hardly as it is, now this. We are definitely in a tight situation.

I hope S can recover from this. Even if he does, it's going to take him the whole summer, I can see that. Two things happening so close to one another. He is still venting over the difficulty of his emotions and how much he feels like he was used.

All of this hard work? For what? I wish I knew what to do, other than just listen to him. I wish I could give him a solution, keep him focused and allow him to have unlimited time to mourn and get over it. He was there when I needed him to be, and hopefully I can fulfill that role for him just as well.

Out of a group, without a teaching position, our summer is already looking like a nightmare.

The Day After

We walked a long time with S. For hours, up and down Madison, in the middle of the night He just can't say anything else, trying to convey his emotions in a thoughtful way that and in a way that would make to an outsider like me. Someone whose any kind of Chemistry knowledge came from a basic Chemistry class, years ago, I cannot understand the Scientific Method, process or how things move along. But I can sympathize and understand the emotions he is going through. Telling him that does no good, because the less he feels I understand, the more he will tell me, which means the more he will vent, without censoring his own emotions, which will eventually get better with time.

He just doesn't know where to begin to hold on to light, how to make himself feel better, and what steps to take next. Our obvious concerns are, what will happen, what should our next steps be and how could we get over this with the softest blow?

Anticipating Madison

I know I shouldn't. I really do, but I can't help it. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Madison, that means I won't get there until the day after tomorrow. But that's okay, I am desperately excited, nervous and so tremendously happy to be going back home. Home to S, to his eyes that seems to be smiling at me, his sweet, sweet lips, his warm embrace and the beautiful soul he possess. To Madison that smells of happiness and all that sappy crap that I keep holding onto in my dreams.

My relationship with my mother here has been rocky, most likely underlining several causes that begins with me and several with her. There is now more than ever before holding me tightly in Madison, and the fact that my discoveries in the last month has led me to be so secretive, guarded, sad and being out of my mind, in the midst of this depression and being my usual delusional self has not made things any easier. Oh, me crying for no reason and any reason at all, all hours of the day has also made everyone, including me rather uncomfortable. It definitely hasn't done anyone any good. It further has hurt my mom and have saddened her that she thinks this is entirely her fault. For that, I am sorry. But there is definitely something going on with my mom that it is also effecting her. I am just not sure what that is. I have guesses, but I am not going to go on about those on here, because well, it's just not appropriate to intrude in her own, private and very necessary life.

Without any additional books, not being able to access the outside world, having limited means of transportation and the world, being without S has dampened everything and not in a sexy way.

But, I can't help it. Even with the distance, the disappointments and the lack of connection I was able to receive this time around, I still love my mother very deeply. And still, I can't help being so excited and extremely happy about returning home to my one and only S.

Awaiting to board the Train to Chicago

Talk It All The Way To Death

Discuss, Discuss, and discuss some more after lunch. It's time for bed, let's reopen and reexamine everything. The day we meet, the day, everyday, day by day, everything, every second, every thought, every emotion.

What do we have in front of us. Let's argue some. Let's cry some, but still, hold on to me, no matter what.

Misery...let's face that together too.

Openly, frankly and in all of its depths and impossibilities and unlucky factors, let's talk it all out, until there is not a single word left out.

Let's pan it out and kill it with words until the end. Where what we have to do follows logically, like in the personal essay.

Hiatus

Learning to breathe again and giving myself some time. I'm putting everything on hold, reconsidering in the light of all this new information that is viable as death. It's like someone has shoved down the world in poison and expects me to just wake up and get going from where we were before all of this dark side had come to be exposed in sunlight.

I have never been so humiliated in my life before. Every inch of me screams of hate, of hurt, of anger and I am bewildered into a stage of bellicose rebellion. I want to break everything my hand touches upon and throw up in disgust at the sight of this breaches of trust, position, power, and everything that could be sacred between two individuals.                     

I am taking a hiatus from coming to a decision until I've digested everything better. Until the hurt sinks so low that I can look at it from up above and tell myself I could jump over it with enough will power. It's easy to say walk away, slam the door behind you, never look back and move on. But my heart has become to entreched with barbed wires of love that it hurts to breathe. It hurts to recognize the gross moral breach and acknowledge the truth and realize this is reality. This is fact and not fiction. This is not a part of my hyper imagination that seems to take me to places my heart wasn't big enough to go to.

I will never be able to get over this. My heart will remain bruised, but the question begs itself. Can I, live with this bruise with a constant reminder?

Inability to Grasp

I've wanted to decline talking about this directly, although I am sure unintentionally pointed out to, directed to, unveiled some sort of difficulties. The problem isn't between the two of us--this isn't to say we don't have other things to talk out, understand and solve--but more so about people from the past.

I've shut my past tight. Everyone has a past, any grown up comes into any new relationship aware, knowing and understanding that. However, not everyone is capable of making it known and understanding appropriate behavior when we have new people in our lives with important places in our hearts and significant positions in our lives. There are certain boundaries to never cross, and the truth to come to accept. I understand certain people are disposed to clinging on to and living in the past. I can be one of those people. After all, I am one of those people who adamantly hold on to the lessons, emotions and people of the past myself. That doesn't mean that I don't recognize when to let go, move on and create a better, bigger, more intimate and warmer world for myself to reside in. Not to mention, not letting our prides be chewed and spit back out, being disrespected. In addition, we should always respect the new people that enter into the lives of the people we care about.  Needless to say, this was not given to me.

The past seems to keep knocking and at times trying to break through that door S and I have carefully, sturdily built with a lot of effort, time and incredible intricate layers and barge in. Trying to come in between two people who have linked their hearts together and trying to build a solid, happy, healthy, loving future together is evil, hurtful and plain disheartening. This simply shows malice, ill intent and the desire to hurt, ravage through and burn. Burning anything that is insight and breaking anything there is to break. Destroying the sacred emotions between two are incredibly insensitive and immature.

You're insane and have problems. Please seek a psychologist to end this emotional and psychological turmoil. Stop taking out on me and our relationship.

I also cannot understand the mentality of any woman who can put her pride aside and take part in such immodest, immoral and reprehensible acts that not only be little your value, and create disgust in our minds. I cannot understand the malicious attitude and acts that are geared to hurt. That is just evil.

Transgressions

Sexual and romantic relationships differ in their nature, duration and emotions invested in the relationship. The commitment bestowed and achieved are always unequal. There is inherently something unequivocal and imbalanced about them, since the dawn of humanity x thousands of years ago. One would think, it was especially so in the past, where there were wider and greater gender gaps on treatment of love and relationships. In my very modest, very unscientific opinion, this still greatly holds true. But it isn't just about gender. I see that a lot of men can end up with the muddy end of the stick, and sometimes it's women. It's about who holds the power in the relationship and the way circumstances lead to and begin a relationship.

In this one relationship I have witnessed that has been continually campaigning against my very being, soul, existence and relationship. It is true, I have been hearing everything from someone who has EVERYTHING to lose. I believe the story is being skewed in many lights, where I continually have to ask and ask and ask again the same question from many different angles to get to the truth of it. It's an onion anecdote applies here. The more I peel, the more that comes out and the more I feel violated and that there has been gross accounts of violations. Though the further I investigate, the further I am disgusted and revolted by everything that has transpired and the moral, ethical transgression are reprehensible.

The truth, no matter is hidden in shadows, crooks, misunderstandings, atmosphere and circumstances. Women, should never be ashamed of being sexually or otherwise, bold, assertive and even initiative. Sexuality, romance, initiative taking should be celebrated and never be punished for it. However, I feel that blurring the lines along two people in which one over the other has clear responsibilities, trust, power over in terms of potion and respect should never be allowed and should never go unpunished. I am sorry that sometimes things don't work out. It certainly is not my fault that I came along the picture. I think it's usually obvious when someone has no intention of being with you when you're ignored and blocked several months at a time. I think it's a signal to take for a woman who is seeking more out of the company of another human being. Unfortunate, we don't always do the right thing for our heart, instead get our prides stomped on and get our hearts broken in the process.

But it is despicable to assail someone's relationship, because yours failed and was doomed from the beginning that had never been taken seriously. It's also not right to continually try to make the other woman in the picture feel uncomfortable, and try to sow the sees of doubt on her mind to undermine her respect and trust towards her partner.

People sometimes, have to understand that there are loss loves and move on. The ability to move on is never easy, I should know. I understand. But by acting in vengeance towards someone who had no hand in the way the relationship begun and developed is also desperately low. I always say, reevaluating ones own emotions, thoughts and the way someone is being treated is always the key to the answer. Change is up to us and if we don't help ourselves, no one else will. Don't put yourself into that situation. Especially after a certain age, it's more than just unflattering. It's a character flaw that will lead to our eventual doom.