Happy 46th, Mom

Today is my mother's 46th birthday.

To the most amazing human being on earth with a wonderful soul and a strong heart, who has never yielded to pressure, or societal pressures, always marching to her own drum, never knowing when to give up, the hardest worker, with the most passionate spirit on earth. To an extraordinary woman, where none like her exist.

Happy birthday and to many, many more with all your wishes gradually turning into reality, one by one.

I love you, Mom.

Hello Rochester

And of course, as someone who understands myself, my inner workings and the multifaceted personality of mine, multi-porous emotions that even confuse the heck out of me, I knew that the very things that will make me feel bad will also be my medicine in not to go spiraling down into a deep depression which I had a minimum change of recovering for a long time. So being around my sunshine mom, which her always positive, upbeat attitude that always gets up in the morning no matter what kind of hell had broken loose the night before would heal me away, without knowing anything of the source of our mutual agony.

So, here's to being in Rochester, with family, being surrounded by love and a new life.

Mom

Sleeping off the foul mood I've been in, the physical exhaustion and regret over how things were between my mom and I when I was in Rochester doesn't seem to be possible at this point. No matter how great I slept, no matter the fact that I am now at home with my S, and back into my own world of comfort, familiarity and despair, it further propels my own anger with myself. Maybe precisely because, I just can't go home for a long while yet, (really, who knows when?) and won't really be able to make up.

I hate it when it progresses this way. My relationship with my mother is something of extreme importance and high value to me. I appreciate everything she has done for me, so that I could grow to be the person I am today, giving everything she's got to us, bettering our lives at the cost of worsening hers and unmentionable, unspeakable regrets, sacrifices on her part. I adore the person she is, and she holds my utmost respect in the world. She is my hero. It hurts me and it probably hurts even more still, when we're like this.

I am sorry and I know you are too. I wish I could see you now.