Mom

Sleeping off the foul mood I've been in, the physical exhaustion and regret over how things were between my mom and I when I was in Rochester doesn't seem to be possible at this point. No matter how great I slept, no matter the fact that I am now at home with my S, and back into my own world of comfort, familiarity and despair, it further propels my own anger with myself. Maybe precisely because, I just can't go home for a long while yet, (really, who knows when?) and won't really be able to make up.

I hate it when it progresses this way. My relationship with my mother is something of extreme importance and high value to me. I appreciate everything she has done for me, so that I could grow to be the person I am today, giving everything she's got to us, bettering our lives at the cost of worsening hers and unmentionable, unspeakable regrets, sacrifices on her part. I adore the person she is, and she holds my utmost respect in the world. She is my hero. It hurts me and it probably hurts even more still, when we're like this.

I am sorry and I know you are too. I wish I could see you now.

Exhaustion

My ability to keep reading during my transportation to work is diminishing as I am usually still exhausted from the previous night. This is my third week working without a  day off in between and I am about ready to throw in the towel. This is not being hard working, it's being on a suicide mission to derail yourself, mentally and physically come undone and eventually die of being overworked.

The 45 minute commute each way, everyday, twice a day is taking its toll on me. I can't come back home on the rare times that I do have a break to take a nap or eat non-restaurant food. Put up my feet, be able to finish a few errands here and there. None of it can be done, because I am pretty much a prisoner at the other end of the city where I have no feasible amount of time to commute somewhere else do take care of other life necessities.

I often miss the bus home, so I have to wait a whole hour before the last bus comes in towing me away. That's usually outside too. Library and any kind of store has closed long before then. It's okay now, considering that it is still November. But come December and January, it is going to be much colder and less tolerable than it is today. I am not sure if I did the right thing by taking this job out of desperation, regardless of the distance and the gut feeling that my brain interpreted it as, are you still brave enough to toil serving job?