The Cheesiness Continues

Today, being the second month anniversary (though I must mention, I wonder the ensuing, never ending capacity of my inability to end my cheesiness, I swear, I was never like this before) I think the Universe is sending out mixed signals at best.

After months of grueling research, paper gathering, document searching, discovering, finding, securing, obtaining, scanning, photocopying, endless hours spent in front of the computer screen, reading through what seemed to me an abyss of information regarding the whole non-immigrant to immigrant status changes, what, which forms, what documents needed, required, where to and how to obtain them, how to handle, fill out and send said such forms, lawyer investigation, finding, calling and begging of free consultations, we were finally able to have our consultation.

(I realize the sentence is a run-on sentence. I obviously could have changed it and made it far more logical, organized and grammatically correct. Though, the constant, never ending, out of breath state of the sentence, described rather accurately our days since May 24th, once without a stop, break and that continues to suck the life out of cores).

In the past two weeks intense research about J-1 Visa Waiver Process, we found out more than we wanted to. Only because, it was such discouraging news that the first night, we walked around Madison for hours, on the West side of the city and had to hail a cab back home. We felt paralyzed, we discussed, and discussed, created scenarios and tried to get to the bottom of a truth we had no access to, nor the knowledge to hypothesize. We were so disappointed and felt so heavy hearted, so desperate and not knowing what to do, nor what was available, eventually we both broke down, hugging and crying for a good amount.

Of course, the next day, we continued searching through the web, forums and any kind of legal website that offered free online information and consultation, of any kind. We browsed, read, reread and reflected and then discussed what that meant to us, what we could do with that option and what remained an availability of what we could do. Then we repeated this process again and again. By Tuesday of this week, we realized how grim our situation could be if our only option was to stay here, no matter. But as we worked out through the information, what we wanted to do, what we could do and how we could best attain them. We've always decided that we were going to go back to fulfill S's Two Year Home Stay Requirement when the time came and would actually try to first live in Turkey, considering that we both have buffed up our resume to take such a bold action. We'd try, see what Turkey has offered and is able to offer us, measure our happiness, satisfaction with our lives and jobs and make a decision whether to continue living in Turkey or coming back to the States.

The main issue is that we refuse to live far apart, under any circumstances and for any amount of time, over a three month period (which we decided would be the most we could accomplish and sustain our sanity) and that S definitely had to finish his program here, I would also have to go back to school and finish my Masters with some sort of work experience which will grant me a better job position then were we to stay here.

It seems that obtaining a J-1 Visa waiver when the visa is sponsored via Fullbright is near impossible. So beware those of you who are trying to accomplish this, chances are slim. Though, I suppose the contents of that is another post.

So, we're going to have to make do and make some adjustments to our next five and next ten years goals. Looks like we'll be going to Turkey sooner rather than later.

Great Expectations

I registered for this course after literally counting my pennies. Since this is a course offered by U.W. even in the form of Mini Course, without having to be accepted into the school to be registered, I thought they did have higher standards.The problem isn't the class. The dilemma is my expectations of the course and how the instructor understood fiction and the teaching of it. Our values and expectations and what we're willing to give in and get out of it are what differs.

What was I expecting? I was expecting a formal class that would require a handbook, guidebook, text book, or would even hand out some sort of papers to reference in which we would have considerable work outside of class to complete and also a detailed information, insight and practice for the craft of writing fiction in particular.

What I got was a critique group I paid to be a part of for several weeks. I wasn't expecting to be writing in class, reading it out loud and get half baked critique from people who can't even read the work itself and therefore could not even give proper feedback in return. You can't critique a written story without having the material in front of you whether it is in print or digital form. This was not what we were doing. The class is great that it is getting me to express my feelings safely, from a remote perspective in the narrative form in which I believe I could try end up publishing after some work and edits. But, I wanted to learn to hone my craft, not be in a critique group.

Great Expectations...

Mess of S

S is a kind, loving and compassionate person. While he may be more naive than usual men for his age when it comes to his innocence and the frank ability to trust people, what they say, their actions and being able to take them on their word. He's never been really duped, or put in an awkward situation by trusting another human. What a wonderful world he's lived in. He's had great friends and his family continues to be supportive of everything he does. He has rarely been wronged, and definitely not on a large scale where his faith in humanity rises above mine.

S is a hard worker, holds many core principles and does not waver from them. At least, I haven't seen him do so. He trusts blindingly, gives his all to an employer, and tries to do his best, not only for himself but for his higher ups because he wants to show how much he appreciates being trusted and put in a position of trust and power. He'll give his weekends, nights and days, continually, without complaining or resenting the job he does.

So, when everything came to the bottom line in the beginning of the summer, it was something he was not looking forward to, left him him crumbles. The tall imaginary building he had created for himself with his accomplishments, works and the long hours he pulled in, all came crashing down. He no longer can stand up straight, his pride is wounded and hurt. He does not know where to go and what to do with himself. Any talk of science or chemistry is painful to him. But he's got lots of pain and disappointment to air out of his system before he can actually do anything productive.

He's left here, with me instead, moping and trying to make it do without suffering too much. Unfair, really.

The Loss

...
Today is the worst day of my life and I could never, in length, in an open, frank conversation (exception one with myself and my husband) talk about what is really going on as this is the most horrid thing I've ever experienced and the most private to date.

Today is incredibly more challenging, difficult, hurtful, regretful, sorrowful day of my life and even more so than yesterday. This mini trip to Chicago was taken with a particular goal in mind and we have achieved the said mission as it broke our hearts into happiness. Even in such, my only solace and consolation is that, I have a pair of arms who is understanding, patient and healing. I have one heartbeat I could turn to as he would accept, love and let me cry my eyes out, until I am satisfied.

To say, I'm regretting every bit of the action we took, and every reason that got us to here, and every person responsible and the end result is an understatement. I had never imagined such a dark day. Somethings are only imagined and understood through sharing similar experiences. Here's to losing something, I had never wanted to lose.

I will never forgive myself.

The Day After

We walked a long time with S. For hours, up and down Madison, in the middle of the night He just can't say anything else, trying to convey his emotions in a thoughtful way that and in a way that would make to an outsider like me. Someone whose any kind of Chemistry knowledge came from a basic Chemistry class, years ago, I cannot understand the Scientific Method, process or how things move along. But I can sympathize and understand the emotions he is going through. Telling him that does no good, because the less he feels I understand, the more he will tell me, which means the more he will vent, without censoring his own emotions, which will eventually get better with time.

He just doesn't know where to begin to hold on to light, how to make himself feel better, and what steps to take next. Our obvious concerns are, what will happen, what should our next steps be and how could we get over this with the softest blow?

Disullusionment of exhaustion

I am just so tired of this. Will it ever end? My eyes are red from crying and my shoulders feel heavy. I feel like shit and I am absolutely exhausted. I want to sleep for the next 100 years. It's the same premises, same gut wrenching, foul feeling, that grabs a hold of my stomach, engorges its sharp teeth into my flesh and keeps gnawing away at it like a starved monster that slowly turns me into a vampire that sucks away my own soul, but also his, slowly depraving him of oxygen, happiness and instead propels him into shame, guilt, overburdening of the past at an overwhelming precedent.

The argument stays the same, the words are the same and the tears are mine, the knowledge of the poisonous apple tree, and his exceedingly heavy shoulders that no longer can carry my wounds of pride, hurt of love and the diminished trust.

The ends of my hair strands hurt and life, this relationship, success of any relationship, the distance two people travel seem and feel dismal at best with pessimistic lighting to highlight the inevitability, veiled with instabilities and the gross nature of relationships that remain, twisted, ugly and transforming.

My eyes feel heavy and the hot tears that I've been continually shedding since last August has not come anywhere near a stopping sign. I fear for the future where tension will continue to build up as I know of my self where I won't be able to get over it and this issue will continue to be brought up to the surface over and over again, without getting exhausted of the repetitious cycle of the ugly beast's nature.

Why couldn't this stay as pure and innocent as I had conjured this up in mind as the initial moment.

Moving Out?

Hahaha, this is just great. It never ends with this place. Not are we placed centrally so conveniently and significantly in downtown and have access to anywhere and everything, we're also at the heart of college home parties and near by clubs and bars where we get a lot of traffic, noise and often the sounds of a police, ambulance and fire truck sirens. The maintenance is poor at best and negligence is the norm around here. I know it's March and that I am supposed to suck things up, but we were freezing in our apartments the whole winter. It was never warm at our apartment and the heaters were barely on. I don't know how he gets away with this.

In addition to crappy management, inability to find anyone, at anytime at the rental office is frustrating. But to have this in addition to everything, feels like a sick, gruesome joke. It's Madison people. You can't just post a notice of demolishing of the building currently one hundred per cent occupied at the beginning of April, where the new leases are signed by November! I mean how will we move anywhere? There will be a limited pool of available and even a smaller pool of available and affordable apartments in downtown Madison. This is despicable.

It looks like we'll be moving out, regardless of it all and we'll have to go through the whole find a new place, pack, move, unpack, change address in everything process, without our consent and will. How wonderful.

Anticipating Madison

I know I shouldn't. I really do, but I can't help it. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Madison, that means I won't get there until the day after tomorrow. But that's okay, I am desperately excited, nervous and so tremendously happy to be going back home. Home to S, to his eyes that seems to be smiling at me, his sweet, sweet lips, his warm embrace and the beautiful soul he possess. To Madison that smells of happiness and all that sappy crap that I keep holding onto in my dreams.

My relationship with my mother here has been rocky, most likely underlining several causes that begins with me and several with her. There is now more than ever before holding me tightly in Madison, and the fact that my discoveries in the last month has led me to be so secretive, guarded, sad and being out of my mind, in the midst of this depression and being my usual delusional self has not made things any easier. Oh, me crying for no reason and any reason at all, all hours of the day has also made everyone, including me rather uncomfortable. It definitely hasn't done anyone any good. It further has hurt my mom and have saddened her that she thinks this is entirely her fault. For that, I am sorry. But there is definitely something going on with my mom that it is also effecting her. I am just not sure what that is. I have guesses, but I am not going to go on about those on here, because well, it's just not appropriate to intrude in her own, private and very necessary life.

Without any additional books, not being able to access the outside world, having limited means of transportation and the world, being without S has dampened everything and not in a sexy way.

But, I can't help it. Even with the distance, the disappointments and the lack of connection I was able to receive this time around, I still love my mother very deeply. And still, I can't help being so excited and extremely happy about returning home to my one and only S.

Awaiting to board the Train to Chicago

Muharrem 2012

Another year where Muharrem came and is nearly out of passing. Unfortunately, due to having recently started a new job, I have become unable to seek my seclusion I had planned on taking the previous year. You can imagine the disappointment and betrayal I feel at myself currently. It's also have become much more difficult to continue and uphold the other aspects of the mourning fast that is held during the first 12 days of Muharrem. I feel guilty and there is this rotten egg smell inside of my soul I can't seem to avoid with my inability to upkeep the very things I had promised over my soul to hold, honor and cherish. It's unfortunate that this year, we're struggling just to hold our heads above water and to feel lucky to have come to an end of another day. I had imagined everything to be so much different than the reality of today. A lot of unplanned things happened that has crippled me into inability, passiveness and sheer game of catch up with sacrifices here and there made for the sake of attaining the ability to moving on and getting on with another day.

How sad.