Does Moving Solve Everything?

The question begs itself, does moving solve every problem we've had? The big issues we've been trying to conclude, the horrid past I do not want to remember and get stuck on.

Over the course of the summer some of our issues subsided, diminished and vanished. Other new ones came instead and the big ones got stuck on a repeating loop that we just couldn't conclude for whatever the reason.

It takes more than change of living quarters to solve more problems. Some problems persists and the problems we've been delaying becomes apparent and we learn to seriously deal with the issue. It's been difficult, I am frustrated, angry, sad and really unable to move on. I run in circles repeating the same things again and again. Some problems were suspended too long, waiting to be solved when we moved and not they've become things we no longer can ignore and have gotten bigger over the course of time.

Time is going to solve some. When more time has passes that I am less frustrated, less angry with all that has happened. A lot of effort on my end, with less blow ups, more understanding and trying to look at the bigger picture.

A Backward Glance

Due to financial reasons, I won't be able to sign up to any classes, but come fall, I have my eye on some computer  and math related courses.

It's unfortunate that we currently don't have the financial means, but at least I know where to start and a few years ago, I wouldn't have been so brave enough to venture out and find out all of this information. It's saddening to remember the past sometimes. I can't believe I left everything to come here. This is not to say that I regret my decision. I don't. I did back in the beginning, before I had the chance to plan roots, bud and bloom here. Before I had the ability to go out there, spread my wings, enjoy the city and become independent once again. This was long before, I had to learn on my own to get done what I needed to do and how to access my own rights. A time, where I was a much different person. More timid outwardly, more angry on the inside, more sentimental, more clingy. I guess I just hadn't gotten to the desperate part yet.

It's hurtful to say this, but there are times where our own selves, personalities and the people who we really are influences by others around us, those we choose to create close bonds with. It effects the way we view ourselves, how we come to value our inner world and the way we begin to assess ourselves in the big scheme of things. I had to learn a valuable lesson in my past relationship to be who I am today. I've learned a lot from him. Let's not get confused here though. It's not because he taught me anything. If he even suspects that he has taught me anything now, he would be bewildered. I basically allowed someone to make me miserable and mistreat me for three whole years. I allowed him to devalue me, and make me feel like I could never accomplish anything. It's hard to admit, but he pushed me so far into depression that, crying was what I did, without taking a step to the outside world.

A few years ago, I wouldn't have done anything to change my circumstances or try my hardest to get my hands on a few pieces of information on how to change what I was going through. I had no idea that I had to work hard for my dreams to come true, that they didn't just happen on their own. I realized this then, that I had to make things happen, at least try, other wise, they were not happening.

Disullusionment of exhaustion

I am just so tired of this. Will it ever end? My eyes are red from crying and my shoulders feel heavy. I feel like shit and I am absolutely exhausted. I want to sleep for the next 100 years. It's the same premises, same gut wrenching, foul feeling, that grabs a hold of my stomach, engorges its sharp teeth into my flesh and keeps gnawing away at it like a starved monster that slowly turns me into a vampire that sucks away my own soul, but also his, slowly depraving him of oxygen, happiness and instead propels him into shame, guilt, overburdening of the past at an overwhelming precedent.

The argument stays the same, the words are the same and the tears are mine, the knowledge of the poisonous apple tree, and his exceedingly heavy shoulders that no longer can carry my wounds of pride, hurt of love and the diminished trust.

The ends of my hair strands hurt and life, this relationship, success of any relationship, the distance two people travel seem and feel dismal at best with pessimistic lighting to highlight the inevitability, veiled with instabilities and the gross nature of relationships that remain, twisted, ugly and transforming.

My eyes feel heavy and the hot tears that I've been continually shedding since last August has not come anywhere near a stopping sign. I fear for the future where tension will continue to build up as I know of my self where I won't be able to get over it and this issue will continue to be brought up to the surface over and over again, without getting exhausted of the repetitious cycle of the ugly beast's nature.

Why couldn't this stay as pure and innocent as I had conjured this up in mind as the initial moment.

Inability to Grasp

I've wanted to decline talking about this directly, although I am sure unintentionally pointed out to, directed to, unveiled some sort of difficulties. The problem isn't between the two of us--this isn't to say we don't have other things to talk out, understand and solve--but more so about people from the past.

I've shut my past tight. Everyone has a past, any grown up comes into any new relationship aware, knowing and understanding that. However, not everyone is capable of making it known and understanding appropriate behavior when we have new people in our lives with important places in our hearts and significant positions in our lives. There are certain boundaries to never cross, and the truth to come to accept. I understand certain people are disposed to clinging on to and living in the past. I can be one of those people. After all, I am one of those people who adamantly hold on to the lessons, emotions and people of the past myself. That doesn't mean that I don't recognize when to let go, move on and create a better, bigger, more intimate and warmer world for myself to reside in. Not to mention, not letting our prides be chewed and spit back out, being disrespected. In addition, we should always respect the new people that enter into the lives of the people we care about.  Needless to say, this was not given to me.

The past seems to keep knocking and at times trying to break through that door S and I have carefully, sturdily built with a lot of effort, time and incredible intricate layers and barge in. Trying to come in between two people who have linked their hearts together and trying to build a solid, happy, healthy, loving future together is evil, hurtful and plain disheartening. This simply shows malice, ill intent and the desire to hurt, ravage through and burn. Burning anything that is insight and breaking anything there is to break. Destroying the sacred emotions between two are incredibly insensitive and immature.

You're insane and have problems. Please seek a psychologist to end this emotional and psychological turmoil. Stop taking out on me and our relationship.

I also cannot understand the mentality of any woman who can put her pride aside and take part in such immodest, immoral and reprehensible acts that not only be little your value, and create disgust in our minds. I cannot understand the malicious attitude and acts that are geared to hurt. That is just evil.

Transgressions

Sexual and romantic relationships differ in their nature, duration and emotions invested in the relationship. The commitment bestowed and achieved are always unequal. There is inherently something unequivocal and imbalanced about them, since the dawn of humanity x thousands of years ago. One would think, it was especially so in the past, where there were wider and greater gender gaps on treatment of love and relationships. In my very modest, very unscientific opinion, this still greatly holds true. But it isn't just about gender. I see that a lot of men can end up with the muddy end of the stick, and sometimes it's women. It's about who holds the power in the relationship and the way circumstances lead to and begin a relationship.

In this one relationship I have witnessed that has been continually campaigning against my very being, soul, existence and relationship. It is true, I have been hearing everything from someone who has EVERYTHING to lose. I believe the story is being skewed in many lights, where I continually have to ask and ask and ask again the same question from many different angles to get to the truth of it. It's an onion anecdote applies here. The more I peel, the more that comes out and the more I feel violated and that there has been gross accounts of violations. Though the further I investigate, the further I am disgusted and revolted by everything that has transpired and the moral, ethical transgression are reprehensible.

The truth, no matter is hidden in shadows, crooks, misunderstandings, atmosphere and circumstances. Women, should never be ashamed of being sexually or otherwise, bold, assertive and even initiative. Sexuality, romance, initiative taking should be celebrated and never be punished for it. However, I feel that blurring the lines along two people in which one over the other has clear responsibilities, trust, power over in terms of potion and respect should never be allowed and should never go unpunished. I am sorry that sometimes things don't work out. It certainly is not my fault that I came along the picture. I think it's usually obvious when someone has no intention of being with you when you're ignored and blocked several months at a time. I think it's a signal to take for a woman who is seeking more out of the company of another human being. Unfortunate, we don't always do the right thing for our heart, instead get our prides stomped on and get our hearts broken in the process.

But it is despicable to assail someone's relationship, because yours failed and was doomed from the beginning that had never been taken seriously. It's also not right to continually try to make the other woman in the picture feel uncomfortable, and try to sow the sees of doubt on her mind to undermine her respect and trust towards her partner.

People sometimes, have to understand that there are loss loves and move on. The ability to move on is never easy, I should know. I understand. But by acting in vengeance towards someone who had no hand in the way the relationship begun and developed is also desperately low. I always say, reevaluating ones own emotions, thoughts and the way someone is being treated is always the key to the answer. Change is up to us and if we don't help ourselves, no one else will. Don't put yourself into that situation. Especially after a certain age, it's more than just unflattering. It's a character flaw that will lead to our eventual doom.

Be Kind, Rewind

I know, originally that this is a movie (one I quite like to be honest) but this will do, considering how appropriate this is.

Now that the dust is beginning to settle and I am getting lots of time to reflect back on the previous summer, so many mistakes emerge as much as a little bit of a smirk on my lips at my well, juggling of all the facets of reality and truth. Mostly, I am thankful for having made it through that difficult time, but I am also mad at myself for not holding tighter, trying harder and not steadily continuing to do my studies and proposed goals. I've had to put so much on hold, and then when I began to go back to the way I had set up my way, other things always came up and well it's a lot harder to do with two people than it is with one.

Never make promises you can't keep and don't believe in everyone's promise until there is some sort of effort and time being put into the realization of the said promise. Promises are easy to make, especially with others material, products, goods to give away. Its like what I always say about myself. I'm known to sometimes find small amounts of money on street sidewalks when I take long strolls. I don't use the money for any of my own personal purposes, because its someone else's money. Who knows what that money was intended for. The idea of spending someone who might have needed that money is hard to swallow, so although this isn't any more ethical, I find the best solution to give that money away to a charity. I know that this is the same thing as spending and find no ethical principals in my action. I am also not defending myself either. Obviously turning in a 5 dollar bill into the police is kind of pointless as they won't take any action to find the owner. After all, how could they? It's not like I can find the owner either. Considering that I can't spend it or deposit it to my own bank account, giving it to a homeless person or a charity seems to be the only option left that I could logically think of and morally bring myself to act upon. I am not doing any good because, it's not my money and it's not something I am giving of my own. However it is the best of the worst.

So to try to do good with what is not yours, is simply just trying to act "good", gorge on the glory that is typically awarded to those who are thought of "being good" without actually doing it within your own means, opportunities and means. The whole thing gets nullified.


For the summer, I seem to be the money that's been lost on the sidewalk and people have been trying to donate me here or there, without my "rightful owner's" permission.