A Backward Glance

Due to financial reasons, I won't be able to sign up to any classes, but come fall, I have my eye on some computer  and math related courses.

It's unfortunate that we currently don't have the financial means, but at least I know where to start and a few years ago, I wouldn't have been so brave enough to venture out and find out all of this information. It's saddening to remember the past sometimes. I can't believe I left everything to come here. This is not to say that I regret my decision. I don't. I did back in the beginning, before I had the chance to plan roots, bud and bloom here. Before I had the ability to go out there, spread my wings, enjoy the city and become independent once again. This was long before, I had to learn on my own to get done what I needed to do and how to access my own rights. A time, where I was a much different person. More timid outwardly, more angry on the inside, more sentimental, more clingy. I guess I just hadn't gotten to the desperate part yet.

It's hurtful to say this, but there are times where our own selves, personalities and the people who we really are influences by others around us, those we choose to create close bonds with. It effects the way we view ourselves, how we come to value our inner world and the way we begin to assess ourselves in the big scheme of things. I had to learn a valuable lesson in my past relationship to be who I am today. I've learned a lot from him. Let's not get confused here though. It's not because he taught me anything. If he even suspects that he has taught me anything now, he would be bewildered. I basically allowed someone to make me miserable and mistreat me for three whole years. I allowed him to devalue me, and make me feel like I could never accomplish anything. It's hard to admit, but he pushed me so far into depression that, crying was what I did, without taking a step to the outside world.

A few years ago, I wouldn't have done anything to change my circumstances or try my hardest to get my hands on a few pieces of information on how to change what I was going through. I had no idea that I had to work hard for my dreams to come true, that they didn't just happen on their own. I realized this then, that I had to make things happen, at least try, other wise, they were not happening.

Part of Me Now

Another line across the date. One day closer. My stomach is in knots. I can't believe we lived through that. Unbelievable. That was the experience of a life time. Extremely special, confusing, confounding and has brought us to another dimension now. To be able to do this, it takes so much out of a person, of a couple. Now, we're here, comfortably, in unison and happiness, without regrets.

This is something I will never be able to forget, never be able to let go. I'll always relieve those moments, again and again and something in me has completely embraces this idea, this notion and action so wholly that I am unsure how I will be able to untangle it from my own identity. It is now, forever a part of me.