The Loss

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Today is the worst day of my life and I could never, in length, in an open, frank conversation (exception one with myself and my husband) talk about what is really going on as this is the most horrid thing I've ever experienced and the most private to date.

Today is incredibly more challenging, difficult, hurtful, regretful, sorrowful day of my life and even more so than yesterday. This mini trip to Chicago was taken with a particular goal in mind and we have achieved the said mission as it broke our hearts into happiness. Even in such, my only solace and consolation is that, I have a pair of arms who is understanding, patient and healing. I have one heartbeat I could turn to as he would accept, love and let me cry my eyes out, until I am satisfied.

To say, I'm regretting every bit of the action we took, and every reason that got us to here, and every person responsible and the end result is an understatement. I had never imagined such a dark day. Somethings are only imagined and understood through sharing similar experiences. Here's to losing something, I had never wanted to lose.

I will never forgive myself.

Communication

In these past months, S and I have obviously learned much from one another and about one another. While many things generally mash, match up or line up well against one another in our habits, dreams and styles, a number of things are severely out of sync. That much is expected. While for the most part, we've been careful about our communication and the way we informed the other party about anything we wanted to. The inseminating of information is an art and, not everyone does it the same, nor is every path we take to it is equally efficient and capable.

Things up until recently have been in small doses and have been rather manageable much easier. This or that, we've hit some obstacles and we've learned to communicate for the better. I, for one have learned to be much more patient, much more careful and much more descriptive, as well as informative on how and when and why explain things. When I was younger, I had a bad habit of flaring up quickly, inability to take any kind of constructive criticism and without ever learning the truth and beauty of listening--but truly listening. Of course, I grew up from that little girl and have picked up listening habits that I had embraced along the way. Though, I truly come along way since then, it has been apparent that I still have ways to go. S, on the other hand has learned to be more reflective, thoughtful, detail oriented.  S never needing to learn to critically think and thoroughly assess his own life, mistakes, circumstances and the opportunities presented to him, he has never questions about the decisions he's made, actions he's taken and the opportunities he's been given, taken and those ones that he has unfortunately discarded. He's learned that people are also accountable for their viewpoints in life, such as; their thought patterns and the perspective they view gender, sex and romance from. Things that needs changing, tweaking and all together relearn.

Aside from the generalities, I've learned to cry in front of someone else and have learned to express my emotions both in the raw and censored as to help someone better understand me. This is a first and I am glad I've chosen the right person to do it with. S has learned that past carries undeniable consequences into the future that aren't just in our heads. We will all be held accountable for our past mistakes, in one way or another. The important thing is not to cause suffering towards our partner.

Transgressions

Sexual and romantic relationships differ in their nature, duration and emotions invested in the relationship. The commitment bestowed and achieved are always unequal. There is inherently something unequivocal and imbalanced about them, since the dawn of humanity x thousands of years ago. One would think, it was especially so in the past, where there were wider and greater gender gaps on treatment of love and relationships. In my very modest, very unscientific opinion, this still greatly holds true. But it isn't just about gender. I see that a lot of men can end up with the muddy end of the stick, and sometimes it's women. It's about who holds the power in the relationship and the way circumstances lead to and begin a relationship.

In this one relationship I have witnessed that has been continually campaigning against my very being, soul, existence and relationship. It is true, I have been hearing everything from someone who has EVERYTHING to lose. I believe the story is being skewed in many lights, where I continually have to ask and ask and ask again the same question from many different angles to get to the truth of it. It's an onion anecdote applies here. The more I peel, the more that comes out and the more I feel violated and that there has been gross accounts of violations. Though the further I investigate, the further I am disgusted and revolted by everything that has transpired and the moral, ethical transgression are reprehensible.

The truth, no matter is hidden in shadows, crooks, misunderstandings, atmosphere and circumstances. Women, should never be ashamed of being sexually or otherwise, bold, assertive and even initiative. Sexuality, romance, initiative taking should be celebrated and never be punished for it. However, I feel that blurring the lines along two people in which one over the other has clear responsibilities, trust, power over in terms of potion and respect should never be allowed and should never go unpunished. I am sorry that sometimes things don't work out. It certainly is not my fault that I came along the picture. I think it's usually obvious when someone has no intention of being with you when you're ignored and blocked several months at a time. I think it's a signal to take for a woman who is seeking more out of the company of another human being. Unfortunate, we don't always do the right thing for our heart, instead get our prides stomped on and get our hearts broken in the process.

But it is despicable to assail someone's relationship, because yours failed and was doomed from the beginning that had never been taken seriously. It's also not right to continually try to make the other woman in the picture feel uncomfortable, and try to sow the sees of doubt on her mind to undermine her respect and trust towards her partner.

People sometimes, have to understand that there are loss loves and move on. The ability to move on is never easy, I should know. I understand. But by acting in vengeance towards someone who had no hand in the way the relationship begun and developed is also desperately low. I always say, reevaluating ones own emotions, thoughts and the way someone is being treated is always the key to the answer. Change is up to us and if we don't help ourselves, no one else will. Don't put yourself into that situation. Especially after a certain age, it's more than just unflattering. It's a character flaw that will lead to our eventual doom.