Fated Day 2

It's been two months since that day. Two whole months. I don't know where that leads us. I thought my emotions would have changed with time, given the fact that this was an emergency. Quite the contrary, they have developed, deepened and have been intensified a hundred fold. I am not sure what I could do anymore. Even the solace and the quiet and even happy stress of having found a job, moved into a new apartment and tinkering away with it could not quell it.

I am daily reminded and daily, I burn through all hopes, bridges and repeatedly live through these events in my life.

I feel stuck, cornered and without an ability to move forward, I punish myself as much as I can.

Regret of the Taxes Saga Continues

We don't have the money anyway, but it seems I can't get my taxes done until August 5th. It seems everywhere is booked. I thought the tax season ended in April. Why is there a line to get in until August 5th?

Also, I had no idea people could do them so late! It's Thank GOODNESSS for me! I won't be getting any money back probably, but really, it's always better to do them then not.

Regret of Joint Taxes

For the year 2012, it's too sad for us. Since we got married in 2013, there is no possible way on earth, we could ever file joint taxes for the year of 2012. It would have been nice, considering that we've been living together in 2012. But that's what happens when you don't do your research and take the proper precautions to protect yourself from spilled milk.

So 2013 taxes are our hope in 2014. What's another seven months or so?

Hello Chicago

The road back home is always long. Unfortunately though, with all that has been ripped away from me, taken away to be never given back to me, has left a sour after taste and Chicago has lost its romantic mysticism, attractive and pheromones. The admiration has left its place to hatred, hostility and anger.

Two incidents, that are far apart has forever ruined Chicago for me. Though never the less, arriving at Chicago, signals me that we're nearly home, almost home, like home and we can drop the pretenses and this charade and go back to our tiny apartment to mourn the loss we both will never recover from. We can go back to falling apart every night to pick ourselves in the morning and to run after the endless amount of paper work we have to chase, complete, file and turn in. All the things we have to do before the summer is out and all the certainty we have to secure so that we may have our wedding August of 2014.

Hello Chicago, you now remind me of hurt, loss and blood.

The Loss

...
Today is the worst day of my life and I could never, in length, in an open, frank conversation (exception one with myself and my husband) talk about what is really going on as this is the most horrid thing I've ever experienced and the most private to date.

Today is incredibly more challenging, difficult, hurtful, regretful, sorrowful day of my life and even more so than yesterday. This mini trip to Chicago was taken with a particular goal in mind and we have achieved the said mission as it broke our hearts into happiness. Even in such, my only solace and consolation is that, I have a pair of arms who is understanding, patient and healing. I have one heartbeat I could turn to as he would accept, love and let me cry my eyes out, until I am satisfied.

To say, I'm regretting every bit of the action we took, and every reason that got us to here, and every person responsible and the end result is an understatement. I had never imagined such a dark day. Somethings are only imagined and understood through sharing similar experiences. Here's to losing something, I had never wanted to lose.

I will never forgive myself.