Hello Chicago

The road back home is always long. Unfortunately though, with all that has been ripped away from me, taken away to be never given back to me, has left a sour after taste and Chicago has lost its romantic mysticism, attractive and pheromones. The admiration has left its place to hatred, hostility and anger.

Two incidents, that are far apart has forever ruined Chicago for me. Though never the less, arriving at Chicago, signals me that we're nearly home, almost home, like home and we can drop the pretenses and this charade and go back to our tiny apartment to mourn the loss we both will never recover from. We can go back to falling apart every night to pick ourselves in the morning and to run after the endless amount of paper work we have to chase, complete, file and turn in. All the things we have to do before the summer is out and all the certainty we have to secure so that we may have our wedding August of 2014.

Hello Chicago, you now remind me of hurt, loss and blood.

Anticipating Madison

I know I shouldn't. I really do, but I can't help it. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Madison, that means I won't get there until the day after tomorrow. But that's okay, I am desperately excited, nervous and so tremendously happy to be going back home. Home to S, to his eyes that seems to be smiling at me, his sweet, sweet lips, his warm embrace and the beautiful soul he possess. To Madison that smells of happiness and all that sappy crap that I keep holding onto in my dreams.

My relationship with my mother here has been rocky, most likely underlining several causes that begins with me and several with her. There is now more than ever before holding me tightly in Madison, and the fact that my discoveries in the last month has led me to be so secretive, guarded, sad and being out of my mind, in the midst of this depression and being my usual delusional self has not made things any easier. Oh, me crying for no reason and any reason at all, all hours of the day has also made everyone, including me rather uncomfortable. It definitely hasn't done anyone any good. It further has hurt my mom and have saddened her that she thinks this is entirely her fault. For that, I am sorry. But there is definitely something going on with my mom that it is also effecting her. I am just not sure what that is. I have guesses, but I am not going to go on about those on here, because well, it's just not appropriate to intrude in her own, private and very necessary life.

Without any additional books, not being able to access the outside world, having limited means of transportation and the world, being without S has dampened everything and not in a sexy way.

But, I can't help it. Even with the distance, the disappointments and the lack of connection I was able to receive this time around, I still love my mother very deeply. And still, I can't help being so excited and extremely happy about returning home to my one and only S.

Awaiting to board the Train to Chicago

The Last Train to Rochester

Today is the day I leave for Rochester. I will arrive at Rochester early in the morning tomorrow and then go over for Berra's shower. Yep, they are the same day. I am planning on staying for one week, though I might just end up coming back earlier or perhaps later.

It feels awkward to be leaving S behind, like I am leaving the warmth of my heart here, in Madison. The further this gets, the more difficult it is going to be for me. My mom in Rochester and S back here. I am going to be terribly divided between the loves of my heart.

I had never felt this way when I was leaving M behind. I guess this is what makes this relationship so different and unique then my previous ones. Everything ends and begins again with S. His own personality and the value he attributes to me. The sheer willingness he possess to make things work and his way of showing his emotions, emphatically, affectionately without reserves, limitations or restraints. Free and deep. It's like a cloak I like to wear at all times. His love has become my second skin, I can't seem to do without.

The last time I went to Rochester it was with S and IL, which was an adventure by itself, different than my travelings before. This time it feels hollow to be traveling by myself--something I've done dozens of times. It feels lonely, for the first time. Time just won't go by.

Getting on that bus, I was a slushy, teary mess. It felt like I was leaving him for eternity, that's how long the upcoming weeks felt like to me.

Adiue, Rochester

I can't say that I am sorry to leave you, Rochester. It was not enough face time, long chats of therapeutic talks with my mom, whose generous kindness is always in season and in infinite amount. It wasn't enough to see my grandmother and taste her excellent home made food.


Though we did come here to do what we intended to do and considering how superb everything went, I have not a single complaint to make. You were awesome this time around. Though, still, I find myself excited to go back home, home to Madison and celebrate our engagement to the fullest.

The only first year, and all the firsts

As couples we usually never take the time to appreciate the growth of a new relationship that takes a lot of work to put together and even more work to keep it together. I've always been a firm believer of while some things may pull people together, it would need more than just a magical pull of gravity to continue to grow, foster love, patience and a healthy relationship.

In order to never forget, but to remember as we forget, here's to all our firsts.

The first time we took a road trip to anywhere was to Chicago with the good old Van Galder bus company, in the dead of the night where Chicago welcomes us in all its glory.

Here's to a year of hope, excitement, and many firsts.

Chicago

Chicago, since long ago has been romanticized in my mind and heart. I am not particularly sure where to pinpoint this romantic notion's beginnings. It would have made for a far better story. Regardless, to spend the day for a birthday celebration in Chicago, to stay at one of the best hotels we could afford with our meager student incomes and to actually take care of required, adult business was what we both needed. To get away from all the difficulties, the negativities and all the interferences we both have been trying to get over and not come in between us.

To be with you, in Chicago, with love and with every ounce of our being spent to work together for a common future where we would build the very path we would walk on and to walk on it, there is no better feeling, fulfillment and satisfaction in the world than that. To walk together, hand in hand, in the month of Christmas, where the night descends so quickly, to be lit up by trees and ornamental lights, together we flew up, up and up to the heaven where our souls merged again, to be never broken again.

Days like these, I feel as though we're invincible, and that these days won't come to pass away.

Here at the bean, the promise of love is stronger than never before.