Berra is here already. I can't believe I can't see her. I have no idea when we can go up to Rochester to see her. It feels so broken to be so far out here, without my family. I wish they were just a car ride of a few hours away. I know that would come in handy, on times like these. I wish I could tell all these feelings inside of me. I wish I could tell the truth. Maybe, they would understand me better. The hurt and perhaps I could meet with sympathy, but I know I won't. I can't. In this dilemma, I am perfectly alone.
I miss my mom though. I would love to be nearby enough so that I can take her out to coffee and spill her whatever is bothering me. Meet her embrace and gaze. I would love to be emotionally supported so it wouldn't suck so much to be in this situation.
Showing posts with label homesick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homesick. Show all posts
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Anticipating Madison
I know I shouldn't. I really do, but I can't help it. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Madison, that means I won't get there until the day after tomorrow. But that's okay, I am desperately excited, nervous and so tremendously happy to be going back home. Home to S, to his eyes that seems to be smiling at me, his sweet, sweet lips, his warm embrace and the beautiful soul he possess. To Madison that smells of happiness and all that sappy crap that I keep holding onto in my dreams.
My relationship with my mother here has been rocky, most likely underlining several causes that begins with me and several with her. There is now more than ever before holding me tightly in Madison, and the fact that my discoveries in the last month has led me to be so secretive, guarded, sad and being out of my mind, in the midst of this depression and being my usual delusional self has not made things any easier. Oh, me crying for no reason and any reason at all, all hours of the day has also made everyone, including me rather uncomfortable. It definitely hasn't done anyone any good. It further has hurt my mom and have saddened her that she thinks this is entirely her fault. For that, I am sorry. But there is definitely something going on with my mom that it is also effecting her. I am just not sure what that is. I have guesses, but I am not going to go on about those on here, because well, it's just not appropriate to intrude in her own, private and very necessary life.
Without any additional books, not being able to access the outside world, having limited means of transportation and the world, being without S has dampened everything and not in a sexy way.
But, I can't help it. Even with the distance, the disappointments and the lack of connection I was able to receive this time around, I still love my mother very deeply. And still, I can't help being so excited and extremely happy about returning home to my one and only S.
Awaiting to board the Train to Chicago
My relationship with my mother here has been rocky, most likely underlining several causes that begins with me and several with her. There is now more than ever before holding me tightly in Madison, and the fact that my discoveries in the last month has led me to be so secretive, guarded, sad and being out of my mind, in the midst of this depression and being my usual delusional self has not made things any easier. Oh, me crying for no reason and any reason at all, all hours of the day has also made everyone, including me rather uncomfortable. It definitely hasn't done anyone any good. It further has hurt my mom and have saddened her that she thinks this is entirely her fault. For that, I am sorry. But there is definitely something going on with my mom that it is also effecting her. I am just not sure what that is. I have guesses, but I am not going to go on about those on here, because well, it's just not appropriate to intrude in her own, private and very necessary life.
Without any additional books, not being able to access the outside world, having limited means of transportation and the world, being without S has dampened everything and not in a sexy way.
But, I can't help it. Even with the distance, the disappointments and the lack of connection I was able to receive this time around, I still love my mother very deeply. And still, I can't help being so excited and extremely happy about returning home to my one and only S.
Awaiting to board the Train to Chicago
Monday, January 28, 2013
Burgazada
Yesterday night seemed be a circus of dreams. Never ending merry go around that ended up making nauseous. Out of all that mumbo jumbo, weird world, aliens, pickles and sheep, lots of running around and somehow a huge gun (no idea where that even came from) I saw one single dream that actually made sense.
I think I've grown homesick since the years I've last visited Turkey. That was in 2007, so long ago. Although I did not depart with the most sincere and warmest of feelings at the time, after a while the anger fades away and the way I've shamed myself eventually faded out of memories as well. Others piled onto that, so no one cares anymore.
I've realized how much I've missed Burgazada. The sound and the smell of the waves. The rich green surrounded by the blue. I like the amicable crash of the two colors. Both warming, inviting and cool, waiting to be admired. The sun, the freedom of youth I associate with the island and the etching of the memories left from so long ago. I don't think I can ever remember the islands with anything negative. I wish never to be corrected on this. I want it to stay as it is in my memories, no matter how selfish and impossible that sounds. I know it won't, but I would at least like the ability to reminiscence about the islands in that loving, longing and happy way. It's that piece of solace that I can always look forward to.
Cheers to Burgazda and all of its wild children
I think I've grown homesick since the years I've last visited Turkey. That was in 2007, so long ago. Although I did not depart with the most sincere and warmest of feelings at the time, after a while the anger fades away and the way I've shamed myself eventually faded out of memories as well. Others piled onto that, so no one cares anymore.
I've realized how much I've missed Burgazada. The sound and the smell of the waves. The rich green surrounded by the blue. I like the amicable crash of the two colors. Both warming, inviting and cool, waiting to be admired. The sun, the freedom of youth I associate with the island and the etching of the memories left from so long ago. I don't think I can ever remember the islands with anything negative. I wish never to be corrected on this. I want it to stay as it is in my memories, no matter how selfish and impossible that sounds. I know it won't, but I would at least like the ability to reminiscence about the islands in that loving, longing and happy way. It's that piece of solace that I can always look forward to.
Cheers to Burgazda and all of its wild children
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