Anticipating Madison

I know I shouldn't. I really do, but I can't help it. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Madison, that means I won't get there until the day after tomorrow. But that's okay, I am desperately excited, nervous and so tremendously happy to be going back home. Home to S, to his eyes that seems to be smiling at me, his sweet, sweet lips, his warm embrace and the beautiful soul he possess. To Madison that smells of happiness and all that sappy crap that I keep holding onto in my dreams.

My relationship with my mother here has been rocky, most likely underlining several causes that begins with me and several with her. There is now more than ever before holding me tightly in Madison, and the fact that my discoveries in the last month has led me to be so secretive, guarded, sad and being out of my mind, in the midst of this depression and being my usual delusional self has not made things any easier. Oh, me crying for no reason and any reason at all, all hours of the day has also made everyone, including me rather uncomfortable. It definitely hasn't done anyone any good. It further has hurt my mom and have saddened her that she thinks this is entirely her fault. For that, I am sorry. But there is definitely something going on with my mom that it is also effecting her. I am just not sure what that is. I have guesses, but I am not going to go on about those on here, because well, it's just not appropriate to intrude in her own, private and very necessary life.

Without any additional books, not being able to access the outside world, having limited means of transportation and the world, being without S has dampened everything and not in a sexy way.

But, I can't help it. Even with the distance, the disappointments and the lack of connection I was able to receive this time around, I still love my mother very deeply. And still, I can't help being so excited and extremely happy about returning home to my one and only S.

Awaiting to board the Train to Chicago

Days in Rochester

The feelings I have that keep festering right at my throat as I am here, now, under the careful watch of my family, that interprets every action in hopes of understanding and relating to me, it a bit difficult to handle at this circumstance. I keep wondering if they know, if they understand, if they can tell and how mortified I would be if they did. I am reminded severely of the terrible consequences of reality, of fact, of what I have done and what I will have to do. The severity of my sin rather concerning to me. I feel doomed to fail and condemned into hell, never to get out, burn throughout eternity in bits, over and over again, entirely. I am ashamed once more and I feel Hades' grip on my ankles tighter and my soul blackened a bit more.

I feel like the mouse that's been cornered. No where to go. The problem is several hundred times bigger than my physical size that overwhelms me physically.

I am reminded once more that, they just can't know, and they can never find out. No one can if I am at all to save my self respect and dignity.