Our New Apartment

Finally, after our long search online, never ending mailing back and forth, and endless apartment visiting to find an affordable but a clean apartment where we could call our next home has surfaced. We signed our lease, and paid our deposit. What a relief this is. Amongst everything, this is one thing I am so excited and happy about. It took us a long time, but I am satisfied with the final decision we've made. Also, we won't be far away from our old apartment, still in the same neighborhood, but with a better access to downtown and the bus stops. Now, all that's left is to pack, move and unpack. Oy.

With that crossed off our list though, I am sure I'll be able to sleep better tonight!

Summer

This upcoming summer is not going to be what I've imagined and anticipated. Though I guess stopped dreaming about back in January. This is another summer everything will be delayed. Another summer that I am not working, another summer that I am not attending conferences, workshops, symposiums. It's another summer that I won't be going back to school. Fall,when it comes will hurt. But it's too far from now and thinking about it is not going to change anything--at least at this point.

I will be moving--again, this summer. I so did not want to do this. Hopefully, we won't have to move out next summer. That will be the bummer: moving out three summers in a row.

But, both S and I have learned some valuable lessons. S has seen me in my worst. Without a job, depressed, hopeless, purposeless and without an inclination to change anything about my insecurities or situation. Then he saw me doing my best to get out of this rut, plan a healthy, careful, well balanced life. A meaningful life where we try our best to merge our lives. Merging lives though, is not something people can rush into and is not an easy task.

S is also a lot like me. Meek, timid and sometimes shy. Afraid. Without the proper ammunition to fight a battle. But determined, loyal, honest and hard working. I'm also seeing S at his a turbulent, trying and challenging time. Without a summer job, meaning without a decent income and without a group. I can see the fear in his eyes that I will think less of him. Or judge him. Or think him incompetent. Perhaps feel that he is not a hard worker or unable to provide. I think none of these things. He's overwhelmed, overworked and incredibly hurt. Whatever happens, we will get through it together and at the end of the day, that is what matters the most to me. He is an incredible person and everyday I feel even more lucky to be sharing my life with him.

Everyday, I love watching his smile grow.

Anticipating Madison

I know I shouldn't. I really do, but I can't help it. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Madison, that means I won't get there until the day after tomorrow. But that's okay, I am desperately excited, nervous and so tremendously happy to be going back home. Home to S, to his eyes that seems to be smiling at me, his sweet, sweet lips, his warm embrace and the beautiful soul he possess. To Madison that smells of happiness and all that sappy crap that I keep holding onto in my dreams.

My relationship with my mother here has been rocky, most likely underlining several causes that begins with me and several with her. There is now more than ever before holding me tightly in Madison, and the fact that my discoveries in the last month has led me to be so secretive, guarded, sad and being out of my mind, in the midst of this depression and being my usual delusional self has not made things any easier. Oh, me crying for no reason and any reason at all, all hours of the day has also made everyone, including me rather uncomfortable. It definitely hasn't done anyone any good. It further has hurt my mom and have saddened her that she thinks this is entirely her fault. For that, I am sorry. But there is definitely something going on with my mom that it is also effecting her. I am just not sure what that is. I have guesses, but I am not going to go on about those on here, because well, it's just not appropriate to intrude in her own, private and very necessary life.

Without any additional books, not being able to access the outside world, having limited means of transportation and the world, being without S has dampened everything and not in a sexy way.

But, I can't help it. Even with the distance, the disappointments and the lack of connection I was able to receive this time around, I still love my mother very deeply. And still, I can't help being so excited and extremely happy about returning home to my one and only S.

Awaiting to board the Train to Chicago