In Preparedness

I am excited that we only have one more week in this apartment. It looks wretched, hallow and frigid now, as the way things are. Boxes that I am thrilled to open and place in my new apartment, new things I've secretly bought, saving here and there to use, over the course of the year. This place, I am not going to be sorry leaving it behind. Maybe, it will be a near relief to see them tear this place down in order to make a new high rise.

There is barely any space left to take a step and everything is a bit of a mess. I am tired of waiting and really feel as if there is not a drop of patience left. I am always mad, always angry. I just can't seem to do things right and overreact when I truly don't want to.

Our New Apartment

Finally, after our long search online, never ending mailing back and forth, and endless apartment visiting to find an affordable but a clean apartment where we could call our next home has surfaced. We signed our lease, and paid our deposit. What a relief this is. Amongst everything, this is one thing I am so excited and happy about. It took us a long time, but I am satisfied with the final decision we've made. Also, we won't be far away from our old apartment, still in the same neighborhood, but with a better access to downtown and the bus stops. Now, all that's left is to pack, move and unpack. Oy.

With that crossed off our list though, I am sure I'll be able to sleep better tonight!

Excitement

Tomorrow, I will be married. Today, I am elbow deep in food, grease, oil, and garlic, and sweat, trying to make these food items available to our guests.

I am happy, excited and so very tired. I can't believe we've gotten to today. It's been such a long walk, and we deserve this peace, piece of mind and happiness. It's great to be able to take a short break, even if it won't last for more than a day. But tomorrow is the day to be merry, happy and cheery.

I can't believe I will be marrying to the best man on this earth. To many years.

Anticipating Madison

I know I shouldn't. I really do, but I can't help it. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Madison, that means I won't get there until the day after tomorrow. But that's okay, I am desperately excited, nervous and so tremendously happy to be going back home. Home to S, to his eyes that seems to be smiling at me, his sweet, sweet lips, his warm embrace and the beautiful soul he possess. To Madison that smells of happiness and all that sappy crap that I keep holding onto in my dreams.

My relationship with my mother here has been rocky, most likely underlining several causes that begins with me and several with her. There is now more than ever before holding me tightly in Madison, and the fact that my discoveries in the last month has led me to be so secretive, guarded, sad and being out of my mind, in the midst of this depression and being my usual delusional self has not made things any easier. Oh, me crying for no reason and any reason at all, all hours of the day has also made everyone, including me rather uncomfortable. It definitely hasn't done anyone any good. It further has hurt my mom and have saddened her that she thinks this is entirely her fault. For that, I am sorry. But there is definitely something going on with my mom that it is also effecting her. I am just not sure what that is. I have guesses, but I am not going to go on about those on here, because well, it's just not appropriate to intrude in her own, private and very necessary life.

Without any additional books, not being able to access the outside world, having limited means of transportation and the world, being without S has dampened everything and not in a sexy way.

But, I can't help it. Even with the distance, the disappointments and the lack of connection I was able to receive this time around, I still love my mother very deeply. And still, I can't help being so excited and extremely happy about returning home to my one and only S.

Awaiting to board the Train to Chicago

St.Valentine's Day

As much as I try to be non-consumerist, or at the very least a careful consumerist, there are certain things I can't seem to let go of. I've never been attached to Valentines Day. In fact, I can't seem to actually remember any time I celebrated the holiday. I also know the gruesome past behind it as well.

This year though, for the first time in my life, in our lives, we're seeking to celebrate St.Valentines, together, to appreciate one another, the difficult time we've been going through, regardless of all the obstacles that keeps popping up, relentlessly and without exhaustion. My hat is off to you pissers and the Universe.

It seems counterintuitive to celebrate when you're feeling pretty bad, beaten up and to know that there are people out there, who are willing to do anything possible to drive a wedge in your relationship, in hopes that one of the people says enough and calls it quits. I might bend, but I don't end to break, even if I do, it's never easy. And if there is one thing about me, I'm rather determined, even if it takes time for me to accomplish sometimes, I will eventually get there. I might lay low, but I always finish what I start, more so now than ever before. I'll get there. My determination has never been deterred, or has never led me astray.

Misery can be an awful thing, but with us, it's never a permanent guest in between the two of us. Such heavy, negative feelings tended to be lifted, removed quite easily and quickly when we are together.

Go ahead Universe, you can't make me anymore miserable than I am right now with all the things you've thrown at my face. But I also couldn't have been any happier. I've got the person I need, that is loved with every ounce of my heart, who in return loves me with every ounce of my heart.

So love, open your arms this year, and we'll come celebrating with a glass of champagne to share, with roses that will green me and chocolate to feed my lover. Oh, my gift? That's a surprise.


Love, with you, my heart has never been bigger, never been fonder and never been this caring, gentle and genuine.