Disullusionment of exhaustion

I am just so tired of this. Will it ever end? My eyes are red from crying and my shoulders feel heavy. I feel like shit and I am absolutely exhausted. I want to sleep for the next 100 years. It's the same premises, same gut wrenching, foul feeling, that grabs a hold of my stomach, engorges its sharp teeth into my flesh and keeps gnawing away at it like a starved monster that slowly turns me into a vampire that sucks away my own soul, but also his, slowly depraving him of oxygen, happiness and instead propels him into shame, guilt, overburdening of the past at an overwhelming precedent.

The argument stays the same, the words are the same and the tears are mine, the knowledge of the poisonous apple tree, and his exceedingly heavy shoulders that no longer can carry my wounds of pride, hurt of love and the diminished trust.

The ends of my hair strands hurt and life, this relationship, success of any relationship, the distance two people travel seem and feel dismal at best with pessimistic lighting to highlight the inevitability, veiled with instabilities and the gross nature of relationships that remain, twisted, ugly and transforming.

My eyes feel heavy and the hot tears that I've been continually shedding since last August has not come anywhere near a stopping sign. I fear for the future where tension will continue to build up as I know of my self where I won't be able to get over it and this issue will continue to be brought up to the surface over and over again, without getting exhausted of the repetitious cycle of the ugly beast's nature.

Why couldn't this stay as pure and innocent as I had conjured this up in mind as the initial moment.

St.Valentine's Day

As much as I try to be non-consumerist, or at the very least a careful consumerist, there are certain things I can't seem to let go of. I've never been attached to Valentines Day. In fact, I can't seem to actually remember any time I celebrated the holiday. I also know the gruesome past behind it as well.

This year though, for the first time in my life, in our lives, we're seeking to celebrate St.Valentines, together, to appreciate one another, the difficult time we've been going through, regardless of all the obstacles that keeps popping up, relentlessly and without exhaustion. My hat is off to you pissers and the Universe.

It seems counterintuitive to celebrate when you're feeling pretty bad, beaten up and to know that there are people out there, who are willing to do anything possible to drive a wedge in your relationship, in hopes that one of the people says enough and calls it quits. I might bend, but I don't end to break, even if I do, it's never easy. And if there is one thing about me, I'm rather determined, even if it takes time for me to accomplish sometimes, I will eventually get there. I might lay low, but I always finish what I start, more so now than ever before. I'll get there. My determination has never been deterred, or has never led me astray.

Misery can be an awful thing, but with us, it's never a permanent guest in between the two of us. Such heavy, negative feelings tended to be lifted, removed quite easily and quickly when we are together.

Go ahead Universe, you can't make me anymore miserable than I am right now with all the things you've thrown at my face. But I also couldn't have been any happier. I've got the person I need, that is loved with every ounce of my heart, who in return loves me with every ounce of my heart.

So love, open your arms this year, and we'll come celebrating with a glass of champagne to share, with roses that will green me and chocolate to feed my lover. Oh, my gift? That's a surprise.


Love, with you, my heart has never been bigger, never been fonder and never been this caring, gentle and genuine.

Living Together

For the hermit homebody like me, who makes her home her whole sanctuary and entire being's physical manifestation and adores living alone, imagine the difficult that could arise from living with a male who never thinks twice about chore distribution, cleanliness, hygiene, self motivation, time and space.

To be honest, when I first moved in, I was skeptical of how this would work out. Especially considering the circumstances of my moving in. But eventually, we both found out that we liked living together and therefore had decided to keep living together. A lot of the arbitrary rules, confounding feelings and the difficulty of being financially honest and open took its heavy weight off. Recently, we've been beginning a new and more of the reins have fallen into my hands. We're definitely more organized, though we're definitely prone to putting off all work and be lazy bums, hanging around the house.

However, much to my surprise, sharing a house, a bed has not been as difficult as one might have presumed. Especially of all the horror stories I could have cooked up on any given period of 15 second intervals.

Needless to say, it hasn't been without its challenges. Setting waking up and going to bed times, creating ritualistic schedules to follow religiously. Merging our busy schedules, trying to mix, match and mash them into a unified, cohesive blocks of time where we're both out of the house at the same time and come home about at the same time. How to spend our weekends, what to do when we're at home and proper decorum, the frequency of grocery shopping, bill paying have rised their own conflicted stories and solutions. But it's been so far, manageable, civil and compassionate.