Hello, October

It's October. Really it's here. Much to my disbelief and shock.
I can't believe what a summer it has been and that we've been recovering, trying to survive.

Nonetheless, it's October. Fall is officially here as of September 22nd and I have been loving it. Autumn is my favorite season of the year and I usually can't have the fall long enough. The leaves changing color, the lattes are the part everyone likes about Autumn. I like the ability to calm down, get together and the inspiring mood it puts me into write. The ability to appreciate and create cozy corners in the house and in my heart to appreciate the people who are in it and make lasting memories with awesome people whether it is apple picking, pumpkin carving or Halloween parties.

I am at a great open critique group which I enjoy and have come to make some friends. Having writer friends was the best decision I could have made. I wonder why I waited so long to foster these relationships? I am back to taking classes, even if they are online and free ones. I am back to reading and writing at a steady pace. I am trying to make these more regular once again. I will be taking a publishing course at the Madison College and will be attending several U.W. Mini Courses. I am excited for October. So much change, so much positivity that I am hoping that things will become great habits and they will continue into the winter, holding me fast and tight where I am, bound and committed to my work.

I also having to watch over two children, aged 4 and 8 have done wonders both for my imagination and the feelings of responsibility. I also pack more for my day and try to be better for myself.

Hello October. I am glad you're here.

Welcome, July

I can't believe it's already July. Where did the time go? It was March the last time I checked. It suddenly became May despite my protests and then moved on to June, in my disbelief. My ability to attach time and form an association with the said time has become more difficult and tattered as of late. My understanding of time as a concept has been obscured beyond any remedy.

I am glad it's July. That means I have about a month and a half until we move. Everything is ready for the moving, except say the kitchen and last bit of clothes until then. I feel like since we can't settle in and don't feel like this apartment is a home any longer, it's difficult to create a bond, which is even more difficult to make me get up and clean it. Though, I am still regularly cooking and that is a win for me right now. But because there is no ties here, there is no ability to make any kind of schedule that sticks. We keep living abnormally, unattached like a pair of floating ghosts traveling through time.

I am going to be so glad by the time we move in that I'll probably be losing sanity once again.

Currently, though I am doing much better. At least I am pretending to be normal during the day hours, faking through human emotions, reactions and interactions. At night though, is an entirely different story. But the rituals that can be repeated are the only true solace I have. The things I have to get through are my current motivators. I just can't afford to slip up and let it all wash over me, drowning me in their sadness.

Our New Apartment

Finally, after our long search online, never ending mailing back and forth, and endless apartment visiting to find an affordable but a clean apartment where we could call our next home has surfaced. We signed our lease, and paid our deposit. What a relief this is. Amongst everything, this is one thing I am so excited and happy about. It took us a long time, but I am satisfied with the final decision we've made. Also, we won't be far away from our old apartment, still in the same neighborhood, but with a better access to downtown and the bus stops. Now, all that's left is to pack, move and unpack. Oy.

With that crossed off our list though, I am sure I'll be able to sleep better tonight!

26th

Today is my 26th Birthday. I am getting old. When did I turn 26. It feels like after I turned 21, years became a blur and passed right by me. Sometimes, I still feel 21. Where is all these years go? They just slipped from between my fingers, I was unable to hold on, to make good of them and have them be good to me. But, that's all in the past.

Last year, I woke up as someone who had recently just begun a new, promising relationship with someone who ever increasingly piqued my interested and quickly gave me a new set of wings to fly on my own. Whose hand I had come to expect at every turn, never letting go of me, always firm but with a gentle hold.

This year, I woke up as a married young woman to the love of my life whose hand that four days ago, I had promised to never let go, in front of a judge and a large group of friends.


Let's walk together on the road we build ourselves, with no help other than each other's.
How lucky am I to be waking up next to you, everyday for the rest of my life. To the man who loves me for who I am, as I am, gently, passionately and in good humor.

Anticipating Madison

I know I shouldn't. I really do, but I can't help it. Tomorrow, I am leaving for Madison, that means I won't get there until the day after tomorrow. But that's okay, I am desperately excited, nervous and so tremendously happy to be going back home. Home to S, to his eyes that seems to be smiling at me, his sweet, sweet lips, his warm embrace and the beautiful soul he possess. To Madison that smells of happiness and all that sappy crap that I keep holding onto in my dreams.

My relationship with my mother here has been rocky, most likely underlining several causes that begins with me and several with her. There is now more than ever before holding me tightly in Madison, and the fact that my discoveries in the last month has led me to be so secretive, guarded, sad and being out of my mind, in the midst of this depression and being my usual delusional self has not made things any easier. Oh, me crying for no reason and any reason at all, all hours of the day has also made everyone, including me rather uncomfortable. It definitely hasn't done anyone any good. It further has hurt my mom and have saddened her that she thinks this is entirely her fault. For that, I am sorry. But there is definitely something going on with my mom that it is also effecting her. I am just not sure what that is. I have guesses, but I am not going to go on about those on here, because well, it's just not appropriate to intrude in her own, private and very necessary life.

Without any additional books, not being able to access the outside world, having limited means of transportation and the world, being without S has dampened everything and not in a sexy way.

But, I can't help it. Even with the distance, the disappointments and the lack of connection I was able to receive this time around, I still love my mother very deeply. And still, I can't help being so excited and extremely happy about returning home to my one and only S.

Awaiting to board the Train to Chicago

Berra's Baby Shower!

I'm back at Rochester for Baby Berra's baby shower! My uncle and his wife will be having a baby girl, their first child. My grandparents are over the moon, as if this is their first grandchild.

The baby shower turn out was well, food was great and although I hate the color pink, it was fun to see pink adorning every possible thing this time around. I do wish they would have used another color scheme.

It's amazing how ignorant people could be and when it suits them cease their courteous niceties because they wish to act a certain way on someone else's dime. But that's Turkish people for you. They just love to make others uncomfortable and bend the rules to suit their own needs, whatever the time, whatever the occasion and whatever the people.

But this is another testament to my mom, whose intelligence never ceases to amaze me and her absolute determination to make something out of nothing and make sure it is successfully completed. Her hard work, careful maneuvering and smart solutions to tough problems, I am happy to have such a strong woman as a mother. I've been truly blessed.

No matter how hard, depressive and difficult things may be, she is always the optimist, always holding on until the storm is over.

St.Valentine's Day

As much as I try to be non-consumerist, or at the very least a careful consumerist, there are certain things I can't seem to let go of. I've never been attached to Valentines Day. In fact, I can't seem to actually remember any time I celebrated the holiday. I also know the gruesome past behind it as well.

This year though, for the first time in my life, in our lives, we're seeking to celebrate St.Valentines, together, to appreciate one another, the difficult time we've been going through, regardless of all the obstacles that keeps popping up, relentlessly and without exhaustion. My hat is off to you pissers and the Universe.

It seems counterintuitive to celebrate when you're feeling pretty bad, beaten up and to know that there are people out there, who are willing to do anything possible to drive a wedge in your relationship, in hopes that one of the people says enough and calls it quits. I might bend, but I don't end to break, even if I do, it's never easy. And if there is one thing about me, I'm rather determined, even if it takes time for me to accomplish sometimes, I will eventually get there. I might lay low, but I always finish what I start, more so now than ever before. I'll get there. My determination has never been deterred, or has never led me astray.

Misery can be an awful thing, but with us, it's never a permanent guest in between the two of us. Such heavy, negative feelings tended to be lifted, removed quite easily and quickly when we are together.

Go ahead Universe, you can't make me anymore miserable than I am right now with all the things you've thrown at my face. But I also couldn't have been any happier. I've got the person I need, that is loved with every ounce of my heart, who in return loves me with every ounce of my heart.

So love, open your arms this year, and we'll come celebrating with a glass of champagne to share, with roses that will green me and chocolate to feed my lover. Oh, my gift? That's a surprise.


Love, with you, my heart has never been bigger, never been fonder and never been this caring, gentle and genuine.

Happy New Year's Eve

It's December 31st. I've never been able to understand why we celebrate a New Year's in the dead of the winter, where there isn't that much to be happy, or celebrating about (other than the fact that I love taking long walks after midnight) and it's kind of difficult to detect any kind of change. I've always been more of a person who believed that New Year's should be moved to March or May to celebrate a new year with Spring, where actually a lot of physical changes happen which influences a lot of psychological changes in the human psyche. But, what do I know.

Well, loves, here is to a New Year that's better than the last, that brings us a step closer to understanding one another and a little bit stronger in order to achieve our personal and collective dream as a human being.

And here is to being happy with what you've got and with who you are. Accepting yourself.
Spending an entire evening, after a long day at work to sip champagne where we toast to all we've accomplished at such a short amount of time and to all that we aspire to build, achieve and bring about to this world.

Love,

Christmas Decorations

I've put my own mini Christmas decorations up for a spread of the holiday cheer and to bring color to our otherwise awfully neglected apartment. Usually, I tend to be more home fixated and do various project at home. As that being said, I still don't particularly feel like this is my apartment. S has been living here for the past 3 years, before I came along. He shared this apartment with his ex roommate, who has now returned back to Azerbaijan. There have been a long number of partners brought in for the night, or the short term. The bed isn't mine. The bedroom isn't mine and the kitchen isn't mine. It feels like I made do, until we have to move, though we definitely don't want to move for now, considering we'd like to save the money.

It has disbursed the gray clouds hovering over our heads individually and the sunken mood we have of the continuous assaults on the integrity of our relationship. To bring the cheer of inability to spend quality time together and to rush through the night into bed and out of sleep in the mornings. Inability to communicate at all throughout the day, exception of perhaps one phone call around three o'clock.

To put in a little bit of red and green, perhaps hang a stocking or two will bring us closer to our apartment in hopes of making it a home. Considering I moved here as a temporary solution, which turned into a permanent residence, everything that was placed, was placed temporarily, became permanent without much thought. I didn't give it much thought, because as long as it was out of the way for the moment, it was good enough. Though obviously, it doesn't always work so well for longer term arrangements.

Hoping for holiday cheer and decoration to warm us all.

Happy Birthday To My Love~

Back in May we already celebrated my 25th birthday, the first birthday we ever celebrated. It was the first birthday I ever had with Salih. Needless to say, it was magical, exceptional. Today, we celebrated his first birthday together, his 31st.

The setting could not have been more perfect. Surrounded by our mutual friends at a mutual friend's nuptial celebration. This could not have been planned, those simple magical moments.

Here is to a full year with love, happiness and never having to spend enduring periods of time, away from one another. Here is to all the laughter we'll have for days without an end, and all the pain we will share along the way as we help one another to keep walking when it's so much easier to play the dead King.

Here is to the gift of you being in my life, with love and the pure bliss you have brought alone with your precious smile. Here is to you stretching the boundaries of my heart to love more than I ever thought was possible. Here is to all the miracles you've brought with your scent and the comfort, security, safety I had never known before holding your hands and laying my head on against your shoulders. Here is to the inner peace you have given me, day by day as you've seeped in my blood, with each breath you've given in and out. Here is to celebrate you with all of your kindness, sincerity, your generosity, big heart and a forgiving soul that has made the world a better place.

To every year until the end of the earth, together.