Looking Back

August is out and September is in. Fall doesn't seem to be really settling in yet. It's the transitions that are the most painful it seems. Still we are having fall outs of having newly moved to an apartment, my procedure and built up anxiety over the past. Sometimes to the point of over talking it.

Students are fully back in, parties are everywhere, coffee shops are crowded with laptops, charger cables, books, highlighters and lots of red, BUCKY shirts, sweatshirts and hats. There is some sort of peace that's buzzying mightily behind everyone's ears and inside their veins that's pushing everyone to congregate to study, to party, to misbehave and to fall in love.

Summer technically isn't over yet, and it sure does feel summer, though my mind is confused as it should be Fall and I am looking forward to fall this year.

My job as a nanny is going well. I've just begun getting used to the children, learning their quirks, personalities enough to know how to behave in order to follow the rules and also keep them happy. Compromises.

It's hard though. I've always understood mothers, their difficulties and trials, by observing, by reading and trying to put myself in their shoes. But this job as a nanny has opened my eyes wide and I am totally awake to the truth, the reality of being a mother, without being a mother. But when you become a nanny as a full time, spending about 10 hours a day with these children and trying to get house chores and hobbies and a job, it is so frustrating. Children, being their own beings and don't particularly follow up on rules all the times, simply because they're tired, sick, sad, not feeling well, whatever the reason may be, just like an adult.

We're settling in, seeing that moving in doesnt solve all problems and that we have ways to go. I definitely need to learn to exercise my anger and frustration of all the events that have culminated within my vassal.

New Order of Things

I've decided I want to pack my weekdays and loosen up my weekends. I want to do my grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, baking during the weekdays so that on the weekends, I can afford to be lazy. I can do the things I've been meaning to do. I can go see that movie, sleep in, see friends, go see a movie.

Research, read an extra book, have fun, or do nothing at all. But I want time to myself where I can enjoy my new home, my husband and myself. I'd like to begin appreciating the things I do have and possess in my palm. The things we all tend to overlook and in the frustration of the post-modern world, take for granted, because after all, we don't remember a time where we were unable to possess the luxuries that we do have.

I will at least work out once a week, though ideal case would be three times per week, about thirty minutes each. I also would like to start doing Yoga. With my increasing back pains, it's going to come in handy.

Eventually, I'd like to read a novel a week, a short story a week and each day work through vocabulary, grammar, writing fiction related book, free writing, daily writing, observations, and blogging. I'd like to dedicate a good amount of money and increase the quality of my topics and context of my blogs. I'd also like to take a class here and there in the Fall, in whatever form I can afford. I'd like to join a critique group, and begin thoroughly interacting with the writer community in Madison.

I'd like to start Belly Dancing Instructing and getting my business off the ground.
Here's to a year with many hopes, wishes and goals!

Weather

It's been a strange summer, my strangest summer in Madison thus far. I've never seen the weather so cold, so rainy and dark here in Madison. It almost feels like a Fall. I am fond of Fall, but I'd like to have a little bit of Summer before we move onto the bitter, colder and more rustic weather I am enamored with.

To the strange and sometimes irrational, it feels as if the weather's been cool so we can continue to fast.

Mid-Summer Rain

A lot of people tend to be quirky about the rain. People curse at the rain, swear off and instantly feel down. What is about the rain that people tend to hate so much, especially so much more so than snow? I've never truly been able to understand that. I am a rain kind of person. I prefer Fall to any other season, and if I can't have that, I'll take Spring. Winter and Summer tend to be my last selections, Winter coming in third and Summer finishing it off.

For me, the sound of raining is something that both calms something so deep within my soul, and also stirring, exciting those emotions I've left aside during normal business hours to be a functioning member of the society. The whole idea of being caught to a surprise shower seems something entirely delectable to me, and the premises Romantic, no matter how unconventional being caught in the rain can be.  Rain itself, holds a promise, promise of a better, bigger, brighter, fuller and in bloom tomorrow that holds the possibility of fruition of my labors. I can always interpret it as a sign of blessing from the Heavens to at least sooth my agitation and anxiety of how everything has been stagnation and has come to a still.

Rain, you're always welcome in my backyard.

Abandoned Madison

It's that time of the year. The last day of classes are over, finals have been turned over. People have moved out of their dorms, sublet their apartments, and have moved on to bigger, better things--for the summer. What does that mean for us Madsionites? It means a near empty State Street and a visibly diminished attendants of Memorial Union.

For a few weeks, some peace of mind is to be found, certainly.

Be Kind, Rewind

I know, originally that this is a movie (one I quite like to be honest) but this will do, considering how appropriate this is.

Now that the dust is beginning to settle and I am getting lots of time to reflect back on the previous summer, so many mistakes emerge as much as a little bit of a smirk on my lips at my well, juggling of all the facets of reality and truth. Mostly, I am thankful for having made it through that difficult time, but I am also mad at myself for not holding tighter, trying harder and not steadily continuing to do my studies and proposed goals. I've had to put so much on hold, and then when I began to go back to the way I had set up my way, other things always came up and well it's a lot harder to do with two people than it is with one.

Never make promises you can't keep and don't believe in everyone's promise until there is some sort of effort and time being put into the realization of the said promise. Promises are easy to make, especially with others material, products, goods to give away. Its like what I always say about myself. I'm known to sometimes find small amounts of money on street sidewalks when I take long strolls. I don't use the money for any of my own personal purposes, because its someone else's money. Who knows what that money was intended for. The idea of spending someone who might have needed that money is hard to swallow, so although this isn't any more ethical, I find the best solution to give that money away to a charity. I know that this is the same thing as spending and find no ethical principals in my action. I am also not defending myself either. Obviously turning in a 5 dollar bill into the police is kind of pointless as they won't take any action to find the owner. After all, how could they? It's not like I can find the owner either. Considering that I can't spend it or deposit it to my own bank account, giving it to a homeless person or a charity seems to be the only option left that I could logically think of and morally bring myself to act upon. I am not doing any good because, it's not my money and it's not something I am giving of my own. However it is the best of the worst.

So to try to do good with what is not yours, is simply just trying to act "good", gorge on the glory that is typically awarded to those who are thought of "being good" without actually doing it within your own means, opportunities and means. The whole thing gets nullified.


For the summer, I seem to be the money that's been lost on the sidewalk and people have been trying to donate me here or there, without my "rightful owner's" permission.