RAMADAN

Welcome Ramadan.

A month full of reflection, prayer, grievances and the hope to be forgiven. All will not be forgotten, surely, but to know that there is salvation down the line from this guilt, shame, regret and pain, then it's worth praying for with every bit of my soul, whatever that hasn't been brutally taken away from me.

On another note it's been a whole year since the last Ramadan. This is our second Ramadan together. The idea of that is exciting and dulls the pain away. At least, maybe this way, we can occupy our minds busy as we fast and turn towards God.

Eve of Ramadan

Today is the day we get up to fast for Ramadan.

This year, I am so ambivalent towards Ramadan, religion and everything spiritual. I just had my heart and soul ripped out, I feel that I have transgressed the most sacred bonds, unity and moral truth and have sinned far beyond my capacity to be forgiven that anything remotely religious seems to create such a negative reaction within the fibers of my soul.

Technically, usually and whole-heartedly, I am a very spiritual, believing person that at the very least believes in essence of it. After the difficulties and everything that happened in June, I am so far removed from the physical, the material, the spiritual, the true or anything at all. I am lost at my own abyss and have no ability to let go or move or seek acceptance, understanding. I just want to drown in my misery, secretly, privately, and don't want anyone to know about it, without it interfering with our lives. I want to go on accomplishing the daily tasks and required tasks of the short term and long term.

Religion, however is far too eerie currently though. It is something my own body seems to reject and morbidly question.

Let's see if I can made do, without truly having my heart in it to practice Ramadan. I am hoping it brings me some peace, rather than torment me more maliciously then before.

Muharrem 2012

Another year where Muharrem came and is nearly out of passing. Unfortunately, due to having recently started a new job, I have become unable to seek my seclusion I had planned on taking the previous year. You can imagine the disappointment and betrayal I feel at myself currently. It's also have become much more difficult to continue and uphold the other aspects of the mourning fast that is held during the first 12 days of Muharrem. I feel guilty and there is this rotten egg smell inside of my soul I can't seem to avoid with my inability to upkeep the very things I had promised over my soul to hold, honor and cherish. It's unfortunate that this year, we're struggling just to hold our heads above water and to feel lucky to have come to an end of another day. I had imagined everything to be so much different than the reality of today. A lot of unplanned things happened that has crippled me into inability, passiveness and sheer game of catch up with sacrifices here and there made for the sake of attaining the ability to moving on and getting on with another day.

How sad.