Ramadan Eid

Happy Ramadan Eid.

It's been a difficult Ramadan for me. I am not sure how much I am actually supposed to celebrate and enjoy the good deeds of Eid when I have stopped fasting after the second half of Ramadan.

The previous year, we had a wonderful Eid with friends, and even some family, gatherings. It was wonderful to celebrate with everyone. This year, it feels so alone, without anyone. It literally felt as if we were the only people in the world. It's just us now. No one to go to, no one to come over. It really doesn't feel like an Eid. Even Eid in Rochester would have been better than this.

It's at times like these that I wish we were nearer my family, at least within driveable distance that we could have visited them to be together for important observances. Important dates, special times, crucial days where one human simply needs another.

Here's to lonely Eids

Eve of Ramadan

Today is the day we get up to fast for Ramadan.

This year, I am so ambivalent towards Ramadan, religion and everything spiritual. I just had my heart and soul ripped out, I feel that I have transgressed the most sacred bonds, unity and moral truth and have sinned far beyond my capacity to be forgiven that anything remotely religious seems to create such a negative reaction within the fibers of my soul.

Technically, usually and whole-heartedly, I am a very spiritual, believing person that at the very least believes in essence of it. After the difficulties and everything that happened in June, I am so far removed from the physical, the material, the spiritual, the true or anything at all. I am lost at my own abyss and have no ability to let go or move or seek acceptance, understanding. I just want to drown in my misery, secretly, privately, and don't want anyone to know about it, without it interfering with our lives. I want to go on accomplishing the daily tasks and required tasks of the short term and long term.

Religion, however is far too eerie currently though. It is something my own body seems to reject and morbidly question.

Let's see if I can made do, without truly having my heart in it to practice Ramadan. I am hoping it brings me some peace, rather than torment me more maliciously then before.