Reminding of Yourself

I am reminded daily of what happened in the past, so acutely that it's disorienting in the mornings. Sometimes, I don't know what day, time period I wake up to. I confused the fine line between past delusional haunting of my mind with today. I seem to wake up in the past, continually. It is damaging to myself and a bit tiring, difficult and hopeless to work through that every morning. Speed up the process, relive through these pains and suffer these wounds daily, until time catches up again. And sometimes, because the living of the past is so condensed, the emotions that are strongly attached to my experiences bring such negative emotions that the pain is all that much more intense, hurtful and bewildering.

It's a battle with myself, everyday. To forget, to greet the day, to keep working. It's my personal battle to not descent into my personal hell of revenge, depression and abyss.

Some days are more successful then others. Some days the necessity of appointments, arrangements and promises to keep is enough to get me going, out of the house and momentarily disabling the sensory inputs and outputs, which allows me to clamor, climb and pass through the day, until I come home and break down.

Other days are bad from the beginning and grow even more excruciating in the process of noon to night. It's immobilizing and I am reminded of the hopelessness of then. Not a good feeling.

It's a daily battle.