Nannying (Is that a word?)

Today was my first day nannying these two beautiful children aged 4 and 8. They are wonderful kids, but they are challenging. They're extremely smart, can be manipulative to get what they want and are  handful, as any kids are. They require lots of face time, play time and educational time. I've forgotten how much energy kids can have. I had a difficulty being able to catch up to them. Ask me if I was able to in the first place. I'll tell you, no.

The questions they ask are hard to answer sometimes in an age appropriate way for people like me, who don't actually have children themselves. It's awkward to be in charge of two kids suddenly. I truly had no idea what to do with them. I forgot how to approach, baby sit and keep children amused, entertained without crying for their mommies throughout the day, and also without becoming a toy in their hands. That happens, more often than many think.

I am not sure how long I will continue this job, but currently I am just glad that I have it. I don't know how smart it is for my psyche to have children I am responsible for at the moment, but it's something I have to stick it out.

Here's to wonderful children.

Reminding of Yourself

I am reminded daily of what happened in the past, so acutely that it's disorienting in the mornings. Sometimes, I don't know what day, time period I wake up to. I confused the fine line between past delusional haunting of my mind with today. I seem to wake up in the past, continually. It is damaging to myself and a bit tiring, difficult and hopeless to work through that every morning. Speed up the process, relive through these pains and suffer these wounds daily, until time catches up again. And sometimes, because the living of the past is so condensed, the emotions that are strongly attached to my experiences bring such negative emotions that the pain is all that much more intense, hurtful and bewildering.

It's a battle with myself, everyday. To forget, to greet the day, to keep working. It's my personal battle to not descent into my personal hell of revenge, depression and abyss.

Some days are more successful then others. Some days the necessity of appointments, arrangements and promises to keep is enough to get me going, out of the house and momentarily disabling the sensory inputs and outputs, which allows me to clamor, climb and pass through the day, until I come home and break down.

Other days are bad from the beginning and grow even more excruciating in the process of noon to night. It's immobilizing and I am reminded of the hopelessness of then. Not a good feeling.

It's a daily battle.