Regret of the Taxes Saga Continues

We don't have the money anyway, but it seems I can't get my taxes done until August 5th. It seems everywhere is booked. I thought the tax season ended in April. Why is there a line to get in until August 5th?

Also, I had no idea people could do them so late! It's Thank GOODNESSS for me! I won't be getting any money back probably, but really, it's always better to do them then not.

Regret of Joint Taxes

For the year 2012, it's too sad for us. Since we got married in 2013, there is no possible way on earth, we could ever file joint taxes for the year of 2012. It would have been nice, considering that we've been living together in 2012. But that's what happens when you don't do your research and take the proper precautions to protect yourself from spilled milk.

So 2013 taxes are our hope in 2014. What's another seven months or so?

Fullbright and J-1

Fullbright is a wonderful program for serious scholars to do some serious works that enables them to live financially worry free as they are living in the United States.

They're professionally done that take serious interest in candidates and truly select the best students from across the globe and give them an opportunity to study in U.S. No doubt, for many, allowing these students to achieve their long held dreams that have sustained their imaginations and become their motivations to study harder each day.

Fullbright takes care of these students by sending them to language institutes in the country which allows them to better their English writing and speaking skills and also giving them a chance to live through their culture shock and adapt at an easier environment without a great consequence to their studies.

Fullbright advisers assigned to each student seems well trained, informative and knowledgeable about anything one can think of. The said foreign student has with great accessibility with these advisers to such life saving knowledge.

But it sucks when you fall in love, marry and would like to stay in U.S. for a few years until everyone catches up to the same page before you go back to your home country to fulfill your promise of two year home stay requirement and to disseminate positive information and experiences about staying and studying in the U.S.

S came with the plan to return to Turkey and find a job there and better the Chemistry of Turkish Scientists in any way he can. Being a help, creating something new for the government is one of his biggest desires and goals.

What we wanted to do was that I would go back to school--whenever that was going to be--finish my undergraduate degree, go for my masters and have a year or two of working experience which I could use to land prosperous jobs within my industry. That now feels like a nostalgic and shattered dream at best. Until then, S would finish his school and also would gain some industry experience, create and solidify his network and begin looking for jobs that he would be interested in. Eventually, when we felt we were ready to go and begin the next chapter of our lives, we would return to Turkey permanently, at least on a trial bases, after applying for spousal green card for S which would eventually turn into a citizenship.

It seems, those with Fullbright sponsors cannot do that. Before they could change their visa status to anything but a J-1, they must return home and finish their two year requirements, no matter how detrimental those two years might to one's life, career, marriage, loss of wages and family life.

I can understand why the Congress would be so keen on making it near impossible for any J-1 Vis holder to stay more than the required time to finish their degree, go back to their country and enlarge the circle of prestigious network of Fullbright alumni. But, they have to be able to make exceptions. This no exception clauses are a pain.

Legality

With the disappointment of yesterday, we got in heavier with the lawyer researching. We're not going to get anywhere without a lawyer, that much is becoming obvious. But I also realize that lawyers have become a bit too tricky. It's better to be armed with information, whether you put in the time and money to find out about the basic premises of your situation and what it means in the legal frame and what you realistically can get away with. Otherwise, you're dead meat in this jungle.

Also, the more informed you are, the more seriously they seem to take you. Niceties are for amateurs. The more you can get away with and probably get the best deal that is possible with your circumstance and options. Options are everything, even the very bad ones. We've narrowed down our list to five lawyers and are giving a small break to learn about this whole thing, and then go and select a new lawyer for our selves that can eventually help us.

Always, always get a second, third, fourth and even a fifth opinion.

Lawyers

Lawyers are difficult, deranged, snobby people who really thinks the world exists to soothe and contain their ego. My goodness, what a bunch of disgusting people.

Finding them is difficult, getting into contact with them is even more difficult, communicating with them is impossible. They charge per the word it feels like, and just don't do enough for the price they ask. I still haven't been able to learn anything and it looks like this is going to be a difficult item.

Next Big 3 Items of Our Agenda

We've established our big three items in our collective agenda. We've gotten a new apartment and figured out the logistics that goes along with it. We've taken care of my serious health problem, and we have also gotten ourselves insured and went in for our first check ups. We're back in Madison, eased in and totally immersed back in our lives.

Finding lawyers and information about our situation is what comes next and what is of most importance. We have to figure out a way to plan this out carefully and stick to it. Tax season will be coming again and I want to be prepared this time around. Note to self, also do your taxes. I also want to have a tentative plan that would lay out to us what we need to do and give us a time frame to work. Which will make me a better person, a more productive adult as I would have the flames of time on my back, licking my sweat and slashing against my sweat to motivate me. Nothing works like worry and the question of physical survival. I guess we should include that item number two is us individually getting our taxes done. The number three item would be for S to find his new research group so that he can continue on with his program without any hitches.

It's back to reality for us.

Holy Cheesiness

As cheesy as this is, it has been a whole months since the day we've said "I Do".  I've mostly been excited and gushing about it as often as the chance has presented itself in conversations, introductions and reintroductions. It's also been unfortunate that the first few weeks of our marriage has been shrouded in plight, obstacle frenzied, finally producing the courage to act on a difficult, painful decision and the tears that was caused by it. However, needless to say, it's been a surreal experience.

First of all, the day of our ceremony was a beautiful, sunny day. Considering that Madison has been freezing, even this late in May was discouraging. But we woke to a warm, sunny day that eventually put me and my increasingly crashing brain at ease. To have been able to finish everything in time-- with much help from S, who stayed up with me peeling onions, potatoes, tomatoes, zucchinis along with me and helping me stir soups and roll Baklava doughs, staying up the whole night with me to only sleep for a few hours was probably a crash course on one of the many reasons why I decided to marry this wonderful man--and be actually living in that moment, going through this monumental task, rite of passage and incredibly intimate life defining moment, has been a profound experience in my life that has both elated and humbled my own emotions, and outlook in life.

Secondly, to have been lucky enough to have friends who cherish, appreciate and value our individualities, and support our relationship entirely and take the time from their extremely busy schedules to attend our very small, private ceremony in front of the State Capitol Building. They've all individually came out, decked out, men dashed out and the women artistically beautiful, with their cards, flowers and gifts at hand. I can't remember the amount of pictures we've taken and certainly is enough to fill several photo albums.

Thirdly, we're even luckier to have an extremely wonderful couple whose encouraging, supportive and kind natures have always kept them near and dear to our hearts. Whose friendships we've continually sought and whose hearts has been our solace in the inability of our parents attending this extremely important day of our lives--the most important day of our lives. The friends' whose helpful natures have allowed us the opportunity to have our nuptial party at their backyard, providing us even with an all paid BBQ.

It felt good to walk hand in hand, having worn my short, summer lace dress, with my nude Guess shoes and a hand made bouquet of red and white roses and daisies. Exactly one month ago today, S and I, our dream had been accomplished. We both began our shared lives, lovingly and entirely peaceful about the decision we've made. We accomplished the most important dream of our lives, being married to each other--to the right person, whom we have been searching for our entire lives. The promises we've made in secret became government sanctioned, witnessed by our friends and our commitment now has begun to be documented. In this wonderful life spanning dream, we'll grow, learn, mature together, to aspire, to reach and lean and to accomplish, to obtain and to fulfill other goals, dreams that will be satisfying and obtained after years of hart work, encouragement, and turmoil only lessened by one anothers support, warmth and kindness.

We partied the day away until late at night, eating, drinking, sharing our wonderful stories of one another and the memories we've shared with our friends. We danced some and we reminisced, looking forward to the future.

Happy Anniversary, My Hamsi :)

Commitment to Moving

We're fully back and immersed in our lives. Madison.

We're nearly packed and there is not much left. About two months until we move. I could not been any more agitated, anxious and ready to get this move done with. I have no more ties with this place. It's an overbearing, stifling place with no sunshine. No sunshine! At all! I have all these memories bottled up in here and everything is a constant reminder to me. I just don't want to come back at the end of the night and my own personal empire is shrinking, pacing back and about to be destroyed.

I'd like to ease and settle in again, and go back to my own daily schedule and fix my focus on myself, my craft and my own future rather than keep swallowing the old tears of the past.

Personal Empires

We all have these, don't we? The castles of our own kind, where we rule, reign and have all the freedom in the world one can ask for, in a humanly manner.

I know I have mine. I've always had it,whether I was in elementary school, living here on my own and with S.

It isn't because I am this dictator kind of person who needs to be pampered and that I feel my word is as good as gold. My empire is my home because it is the happiest I am in. It's the sum of everything I idealize in the world that has of any meaning to me. It's the physical manifestation of my commitment to myself, to my love, to my work as a writer and as a decent human being.

It's the space where I lovingly cook, fix and decorate all the problems of hunger. It's the one place in the world that I love coming to at the end of my very long, weary and disappointing days. My world consists of coming home to a beautiful kitchen and dropping off my heavy book bag, letting out a sigh of relief and happiness to see my wonderful husband, and carefully think back of the day and check all things I've accomplished. Snuggle up on our old, worn out couch as we put on another Netflix movie. We watch a lot of movies and they're best with lots of love and well, the cakes I make.

To finally make it to bed, sleepy and ready to face another day, though, not just yet. Not until I fall asleep and dream.

Well, that's the dream.

Hello Chicago

The road back home is always long. Unfortunately though, with all that has been ripped away from me, taken away to be never given back to me, has left a sour after taste and Chicago has lost its romantic mysticism, attractive and pheromones. The admiration has left its place to hatred, hostility and anger.

Two incidents, that are far apart has forever ruined Chicago for me. Though never the less, arriving at Chicago, signals me that we're nearly home, almost home, like home and we can drop the pretenses and this charade and go back to our tiny apartment to mourn the loss we both will never recover from. We can go back to falling apart every night to pick ourselves in the morning and to run after the endless amount of paper work we have to chase, complete, file and turn in. All the things we have to do before the summer is out and all the certainty we have to secure so that we may have our wedding August of 2014.

Hello Chicago, you now remind me of hurt, loss and blood.

Labels

How we find comfort in categories and labels. We feel at home and able to gain insight and understand another by giving others labels, parts, characters to play. We feel we can manage and control the others in our world and our world in general.

It makes sense and we can eliminate the chaos somewhat, and make it liveable. It makes it easier because we don't have to work hard, try to figure that person out, put out heart out in the line. We can fit them into one particular stereotype and then be done with it. We won't have to search for ambitions, values, goals, motivations, past, history, dreams, heartbreaks before we judge another person. We don't want to stretch out the hand that of understanding and kindness we want out of others.

New Moms

New Moms...what a difficult phase in life. Your body is totally different, its almost not your own.

There is a new member of your life and your whole life has just changed course, its pacing has changed, forever.

Some women have help from wonderful family and friends and an encouraging, helpful, eager to learn husband/partner/wife, etc. Some women only can relay on one person, and one person only. Some women are entirely alone, without any help, any guidance, anyone there to comfort them, completely alone, independent and on their own.

Some women come into the territory as prepared as possible. True, you can never be as prepared as you think you can be solely by taking parenting classes, birthing classes, reading books, articles and studies, changing your diet, your lifestyle, watching videos and participating in online discussion boards, having a close relationship with your doctor who can answer medically related questions for you and can help you in the medical field. But these things exist for a reason and it can prepare you plenty. It can prepare you to the kinds of stuff you may need, you may feel and you may face. The information you'd be too frantic to see, even clear basic ones. An overall, general understanding that can allow you to troubleshoot and ask the right kind of questions, when to realize what is an emergency and what is not.

Women like Banu, think that it is entirely instinctual. They do not think that picking up a book, reading about it, going online researching or asking questions to their doctors are necessary or even needed.

Then, we see the differences between New Moms, who are capable of doing things themselves rather than relying on people who are around to do things for them (when lucky enough).

Babies

It's awkward to think about babies. They take so many different shapes, forms, names and go through several stages that sometimes, it's not only confusing but also difficult to adapt.

They begin with basic anatomical parts/excretions and cannot begin without one another. It becomes an embryo, eventually a fetus, then a baby and begins to be called an infant, then a toddler and eventually a child.

The miraculous part is often that it begins within you and takes time to figure out that you even are carrying, or have perhaps successfully conceived. Sometimes, that just might be the worst news you can receive about your own body. If you're single, or perhaps not in a committed relationship, or are not interested in having children at all, or whatever the reason might be. As many reasons as there are out there for having children, there are just as many, if not more for not having or wanting to have children.

You change with it. Your body becomes perhaps beautiful, perhaps revolting to some. But you change with it. Your body will never be once what it was after being pregnant, even if you don't carry it full term.

Your life will change once you do have a baby. It is true. I don't need to have a baby to see that and understand that piece of information. It is a living, breathing example in front of me, continually, and the examples come from near and far. It keeps getting move detailed, involved and evolved. I see it a little bit more clearly as my age increases and I experience through more of life everyday and perhaps take one ladder step a day.

They're fascinating, they're monstrous and miracles--truly. This tiny human being, with a heart, soul, fingers, eyes and lips, and its own personality from the moment its been conceived, or been born, whatever you believe in. It will change and will have its own life, fate, destiny and future in front of it. As a parent, while you without a doubt will try to influence its life and you will succeed, more than you think, there are times where you can't do anything about the direction your child's life is going. It will have to live its own life and battle its own wars. That's how it has been for you, for me, your parents and inevitably, how it will be for your child if you decide to bring a baby into the world.

Once they're born, there is no taking it back. There is no, let's begin anew. It is yours and a part of you. Whether you emotionally and psychologically bond with it or not. It is legally yours. It is biologically yours.

Its confusing because for a while there,they will be entirely dependent on you. And you will become well, so to speak in frank terms, a slave. Milk it, bathe it, change its diaper, play with it, be consumed by it in your adoration of it, play with it, put it to sleep and the list just goes on and on.
Then eventually as the years roll on, it becomes less dependent on you, more in-tune with its on body, mind and soul, its own desires and wants and hates. Eventually it will want to discover the world for its self. Eventually it will grow up. But a certain part of it will never stop needing you.

It would be hard to get used to...presumably.

Motherhood

What is motherhood? Why is it revered outwardly, however we are continually punished by the societies we live in by being restrained in our identities as mothers, nearly banned from our public spaces in the world.

I've always believed in and adored mothers, motherhood and even dreamed of being a mother myself, at sometime. This went from educating myself on motherhood, infant, child related issues, solutions and psychology from short seminars to classes to blog searching. I've observed, asked and listened. Obviously, none of this is enough until I have a child of my own. I also never believed that having children should limit the capacity of a woman in the public sphere. Nor did I consider that having children should change the fabric of a person's soul fundamentally that they should just seek the comforts of their home from then on. I think women who become parents, mothers have more on the line. They have more risks, more responsibilities and more they have to stand up to. They have more to learn, to stretch and less time to do all of this in. Nonetheless, I find mothers powerful in and of themselves. I also find them to be awe-inspiring. Mothers hearts stretch, grow and have more to give. They're always looking for more practical ways to do things, more time, and master the art of multi-tasking.

I have no idea what kind of a mother I will be when I have kids--that is if I ever change my decision to have children again--and no body can guess or know until I pop one out. Though, that would be oversimplifying it. But let's go with the popular lingo here.

It saddens me to see mothers like the recent conversation partner I have made that motherhood is a prison and a place that emasculates them for a better lack of word. They find children stifling, overbearing and like an obstacle in life to be lived through and removed in which the adult can return to her life, once the child is independent enough (meaning when elementary school).

I also can't particularly understand women who feels that this entirely empowers them to be lazy, stay at home and do nothing at all ( I am not talking about home makers here, who work throughout the day, and throughout the night, without a day off, without a paycheck and the appreciation that is earned and that should be shown often by all the work that these women do for their homes, for their spouses and their children) and feel that it is a right they have earned by deciding to get married and have a child or children. It isn't the goal of motherhood. Because if anything, domestic chores take a lot of time to clean up and prepare, takes seconds to undo and hence others around the house don't do them, cannot appreciate them and does not understand how much work it takes to keep a home neat, tidy and meals cooked.

Private Self vs. Public Self

As a writer, I constantly struggle with the private and the public self. Sometimes I forget which influences which, and cannot seem to make a clear distinction between the two. They blend and mesh so well, although entirely different from one another, they're wholly part of me, entirely--becoming maddening, confusing personas and sometimes resulting in huge blunders (though rarely). In essential, it is confusing to realize which is the body and which is the shadow.

However, I would argue that this is really true for many. We all have personality traits that are quirky and tends to be audience specific. The way we are at home, how we voice our thoughts, emotions, opinions to our self, to our significant others, immediate family, close friends and to acquaintances, our co-workers, school environment and eventually to society at large.

Do you sometimes confuse which identity takes over and later perhaps switch for a long time that feels foreign and awkward to you?

Comics

Sometimes, all I can seem to handle is read through comics, manga, and watch anime mindlessly to numb everything down. But as a surprise of many, possibly, it only furthers my own damnation to my own isolation, forsakenness, and the morbid nature that decays, slowly sometimes, fervently.

I know that there are many people who think that comics, manga and anime are for children only and for light amusement, and perhaps for entertainment. I disagree. There is so much of detail, thoughtfulness and art that goes into creating and drawing the storyboards, the panels of comics and manga. The characters have to be just as real as literary who have to be just as real as real people existing among us, with us. They have to create interesting story worlds, think about theme, elements, style and to unify them carefully and cohesively so that while reader may get other lessons and morals out of the story, but also at the same time, receive a similar understanding of the story as the next person.

So the next time you make slight of these forms of art, think again.

PAIN

My body screams of pain, hurt and tries to reject the reality of the situation to the best of its ability, which comes back to smack me in the face even harder.

This is the hardest thing we've ever done.

Hello Rochester

And of course, as someone who understands myself, my inner workings and the multifaceted personality of mine, multi-porous emotions that even confuse the heck out of me, I knew that the very things that will make me feel bad will also be my medicine in not to go spiraling down into a deep depression which I had a minimum change of recovering for a long time. So being around my sunshine mom, which her always positive, upbeat attitude that always gets up in the morning no matter what kind of hell had broken loose the night before would heal me away, without knowing anything of the source of our mutual agony.

So, here's to being in Rochester, with family, being surrounded by love and a new life.

The Loss

...
Today is the worst day of my life and I could never, in length, in an open, frank conversation (exception one with myself and my husband) talk about what is really going on as this is the most horrid thing I've ever experienced and the most private to date.

Today is incredibly more challenging, difficult, hurtful, regretful, sorrowful day of my life and even more so than yesterday. This mini trip to Chicago was taken with a particular goal in mind and we have achieved the said mission as it broke our hearts into happiness. Even in such, my only solace and consolation is that, I have a pair of arms who is understanding, patient and healing. I have one heartbeat I could turn to as he would accept, love and let me cry my eyes out, until I am satisfied.

To say, I'm regretting every bit of the action we took, and every reason that got us to here, and every person responsible and the end result is an understatement. I had never imagined such a dark day. Somethings are only imagined and understood through sharing similar experiences. Here's to losing something, I had never wanted to lose.

I will never forgive myself.

Day One

This was part one. Day one. Tomorrow is the real deal.

I am disgusted with myself, with humanity, with business, with law, with politics, with the world. We spew so much rhetoric, words we don't understand without any glitch, any trouble or thinking continue living our world what we assume to be the universal truths. We feel like we have the right and justifications to judge someone. To belittle, dehumanize and degrade them; their options, their values and their freedom, even their independence.

I am filthy, this room is filthy and this world is filthy. There is no escaping it. Growing up means sullying your hands, your heart and your mind. There is no way about it.


I don't want to go back. I want to go to sleep, never wake up.

Arrangements

We've made our arrangements.Whatever it requires us. We've rented our car, unable to book our hotel because every where seems to be booked. There must be some sort of an event (conference, workshop, symposium) going on. Our appointment is made and we will be going to Rochester directly from Chicago after we're done there.

My heart is at my throat. I feel like I am going to throw up. Am I really going to go through this? Won't I stop myself? Won't minds change? This seems to be final. I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I have no way of explaining this to you.

Even so, something needed to happen and this seems to be the best solution. Will everything get better then?

Action Now

After a long talk which eventually turned into an argument, tears and wounds I've finally made the call. I'm running out of time and I either act now, or never. Whatever happens, needs to happen. We have to be able to move on, even if it is being wounded and trying to move on from that wound. If it's shame, guilt, sinfulness I am feeling and, I also need to move onto trying to cope with these issues. But if I don't act, nothing is happening and I can't be moving on. I wish we didn't have to have this, and I so desperately hoped it wouldn't have come to this. It has and it needs a solution. No matter what I did, or didn't do, it's not going away on its own. That means somebody has to do something. That somebody has to be me. No one else can do anything for me at this situation.

Tears rolling and with a deep heart ache and trembling fingers, I dialed the number and got the help I needed. We have an appointment for the day after. I know it's only going to get more complicated, difficult and darker after this. Even so, it is going to be change and something that needs to happen so that better days can eventually come and that I can repent for my sins and shame.

This is going to be the hardest thing I've done, I know it. This way though, we have a chance at survival.

Sometimes, action without dialogue, without long conversation that is unilaterally decided is best.

Reality Checks

This has to change. Something has to happen. Everybody realized and I realize. We'll ignore it.

I need a serious intervention, a serious discussion and a serious time where I am hurt. A time off where I am left to myself and my own devices. I don't want to hear a word. Then I need time to recuperate, come to my senses and begin licking and bandaging my wounds. Then move on from there. Move on. Move ON. This is what I need.

Today, I was on the brink of tears all day long. My chest is being squeezed and breathing is a labor. I can't seek asylum, understanding or peace. No such fancy abstract conceptions for me. They are luxury right now. What I need is bravery, encouragement, practicality and action--even if that action is mindless, thoughtless and chaotic.

Silence

Awkward how things can be. It's completely silent. It's like we've all agreed not to say a word about the growing size of the problem. We're all going to pretend we're blind, and ignore what we intuitively know to be the truth, the whole truth. We just don't want to acknowledge it, then as a society, a community, a group, a couple, an individual we will have to acknowledge the problem, the complication, the impossibility and the lack of options we are given in this society. We'll continue to ponder in silence, without reaction.

Our social collective and conscious tells us, not to. So why bother? We've answered the question to this problem as a species, haven't we? Why reframe, redefine and reanswer the same questions and seek different solutions to the previously solved--which by the way are clearly not working.

P and I

I in this title is not the pronoun I. It's the capitalized letter of a person. P and I are a couple friend we have made through the matchmaking of MK and SN. This couple is from Turkey as well, and are in the same age group as us. They're here for an education time and on a mission. It seems like the two are determined and on a mission to complete and return. A life or any kind of delay in U.S. is not something they wish or are seeking.

However, they're similar to us. Young, hopeful, newly married couple. They too are trying to make it work and navigating uncharted personal oceans. They're humorous, generous and kind people with an open heart. While, unfortunately this friendship is on a timer, we seem to be enjoying spending time with them that they've become a stable of our lives already.

Group Health Insurance

FINALLY! All the paper work went through. We've applied, provided the necessary evidence as proof and have been enrolled properly with the insurance. I now have insurance. I haven't been able to say this in such a long time.

It's exciting, all of these paper work to fill out, brochure and guide to read through. I do hope they cover more than SHIP covers so that it can be of benefit. Both S and I have important dates coming up and with our health concerns it would be great to have these services provided to us with the discount of having health insurance.

Sneaking Departure Time

MK and SN will be leaving in about two weeks. Each brings another cold fact and truth to our doors. We are faced with even more difficulties. Losing MK and SN will be like losing family. We will be mourning their loss.

While they are still Stateside though, everyday seems like an activity that seems to be saying farewell. Another farewell, another group of friends. At least we're getting to see them plenty before they leave, giving us enough memories to hold on to.

Our New Apartment

Finally, after our long search online, never ending mailing back and forth, and endless apartment visiting to find an affordable but a clean apartment where we could call our next home has surfaced. We signed our lease, and paid our deposit. What a relief this is. Amongst everything, this is one thing I am so excited and happy about. It took us a long time, but I am satisfied with the final decision we've made. Also, we won't be far away from our old apartment, still in the same neighborhood, but with a better access to downtown and the bus stops. Now, all that's left is to pack, move and unpack. Oy.

With that crossed off our list though, I am sure I'll be able to sleep better tonight!

Summer

This upcoming summer is not going to be what I've imagined and anticipated. Though I guess stopped dreaming about back in January. This is another summer everything will be delayed. Another summer that I am not working, another summer that I am not attending conferences, workshops, symposiums. It's another summer that I won't be going back to school. Fall,when it comes will hurt. But it's too far from now and thinking about it is not going to change anything--at least at this point.

I will be moving--again, this summer. I so did not want to do this. Hopefully, we won't have to move out next summer. That will be the bummer: moving out three summers in a row.

But, both S and I have learned some valuable lessons. S has seen me in my worst. Without a job, depressed, hopeless, purposeless and without an inclination to change anything about my insecurities or situation. Then he saw me doing my best to get out of this rut, plan a healthy, careful, well balanced life. A meaningful life where we try our best to merge our lives. Merging lives though, is not something people can rush into and is not an easy task.

S is also a lot like me. Meek, timid and sometimes shy. Afraid. Without the proper ammunition to fight a battle. But determined, loyal, honest and hard working. I'm also seeing S at his a turbulent, trying and challenging time. Without a summer job, meaning without a decent income and without a group. I can see the fear in his eyes that I will think less of him. Or judge him. Or think him incompetent. Perhaps feel that he is not a hard worker or unable to provide. I think none of these things. He's overwhelmed, overworked and incredibly hurt. Whatever happens, we will get through it together and at the end of the day, that is what matters the most to me. He is an incredible person and everyday I feel even more lucky to be sharing my life with him.

Everyday, I love watching his smile grow.

June

I can't believe it is June. Those dreading times have lessened. The long depression is partially over. I can at least feel alive. Being alive is better being living as a corpse. At least I can feel and I am not continually, systematically numbing myself. I am glad I've stuck with blogging daily. It has made a difference. I definitely am not writing great content. I am not going into anything deep and my entries unfortunately aren't always fresh. I can be repetitive. But I promised myself I was not going to censure myself too much and allow my emotions to surface and be expressed, even if on limited terms. I am not a bottler. I can't bottle it up too much, because volume is small and I end up blowing up sooner, rather than later.

It's allowed me to stay connected to my own body. My thoughts had a somewhere to go back to. They knew there was an anchor holding them, guiding them and waiting for them. They realized and existentialist purpose and I am hoping to grow from this, entirely, totally.

June is going to suck. It's going to be difficult. The weather has been yucky as well But this gives me time. This gives me incentive and motivation. One more thing to finish and I will be done. We will be done. I can move on to bigger, better and important steps.

I am disoriented, I am not sure where to begin and where to stop, entirely. I don't know how far I should be chasing. But, I am here and I am going to make this count. We have to go somewhere with this. A little bit more is all I've got left.