Action Now

After a long talk which eventually turned into an argument, tears and wounds I've finally made the call. I'm running out of time and I either act now, or never. Whatever happens, needs to happen. We have to be able to move on, even if it is being wounded and trying to move on from that wound. If it's shame, guilt, sinfulness I am feeling and, I also need to move onto trying to cope with these issues. But if I don't act, nothing is happening and I can't be moving on. I wish we didn't have to have this, and I so desperately hoped it wouldn't have come to this. It has and it needs a solution. No matter what I did, or didn't do, it's not going away on its own. That means somebody has to do something. That somebody has to be me. No one else can do anything for me at this situation.

Tears rolling and with a deep heart ache and trembling fingers, I dialed the number and got the help I needed. We have an appointment for the day after. I know it's only going to get more complicated, difficult and darker after this. Even so, it is going to be change and something that needs to happen so that better days can eventually come and that I can repent for my sins and shame.

This is going to be the hardest thing I've done, I know it. This way though, we have a chance at survival.

Sometimes, action without dialogue, without long conversation that is unilaterally decided is best.

Pack Up

I will be traveling soon and have been packing up my bags for my upcoming traveling to Rochester via train. Train again, because well simply I couldn't be bothered to look for tickets before due to the severity of my depression once again. Now, I have to pay for that by traveling with the train, go through the strenuous activity of baggage claim, luggage carrying, and putting up to be in the train for 12 hours. The wounds of my heart tell me this is a bad idea, perhaps it is. For now though, I am looking forward to seeing my mom in her cheery spirit and warm embrace. Her magical way of making me feel better, without realizing it.

Packing up here like this has particularly brought specific images from a while ago when everything about the past came to the surface. Like this, frantically, I was packing everything into my suitcases, as much as I could fit it in there, just wanting to get away from here, these actions that have tempered with my feelings and walked all over my pride that I have so highly regarded all of these times. This time the reason why my bags are being packed is different. I am not looking forward to getting away from all of this. A time off, might be nice though. A good test to see the truth and depthness of feelings on both ends, all around for all of the parties involved.

I am not going to lie when I say that I am not relieved to see the differences between packing my bags. I don't think I could go through the same reason, ever again. My heart has never been fragile one, but it will be for a second repetition of that. It's taxing of my body, of my soul and mind. It's time consuming and a hatred seed that flames all the unholy feelings within a vessel.

It's also good to see that the person I have chosen is decided, enduring and is ready to make sacrifices and ready to pull the weight if necessary, by himself. It's just as important to see that he is understanding, kind and generous. His warm heart is where my soul can comfortably nestle in when it needs to be rested and protected.