Pack Up

I will be traveling soon and have been packing up my bags for my upcoming traveling to Rochester via train. Train again, because well simply I couldn't be bothered to look for tickets before due to the severity of my depression once again. Now, I have to pay for that by traveling with the train, go through the strenuous activity of baggage claim, luggage carrying, and putting up to be in the train for 12 hours. The wounds of my heart tell me this is a bad idea, perhaps it is. For now though, I am looking forward to seeing my mom in her cheery spirit and warm embrace. Her magical way of making me feel better, without realizing it.

Packing up here like this has particularly brought specific images from a while ago when everything about the past came to the surface. Like this, frantically, I was packing everything into my suitcases, as much as I could fit it in there, just wanting to get away from here, these actions that have tempered with my feelings and walked all over my pride that I have so highly regarded all of these times. This time the reason why my bags are being packed is different. I am not looking forward to getting away from all of this. A time off, might be nice though. A good test to see the truth and depthness of feelings on both ends, all around for all of the parties involved.

I am not going to lie when I say that I am not relieved to see the differences between packing my bags. I don't think I could go through the same reason, ever again. My heart has never been fragile one, but it will be for a second repetition of that. It's taxing of my body, of my soul and mind. It's time consuming and a hatred seed that flames all the unholy feelings within a vessel.

It's also good to see that the person I have chosen is decided, enduring and is ready to make sacrifices and ready to pull the weight if necessary, by himself. It's just as important to see that he is understanding, kind and generous. His warm heart is where my soul can comfortably nestle in when it needs to be rested and protected.

Upcoming Travel To Rochester

Berra's shower is coming up. I have to travel to Rochester. In a way this is going to probably set me back as I will have laxer conditions, no ability to go whatsoever to the outside world without the handy car of my mom, which is always with her due to her own business. It could be conducive to start reading seriously once more. It would give peace to my inner world once more, at least enough to quell it.

Though I am afraid to travel. I don't want to travel in this condition, thought that might be the best thing I need yet. Have the ripples settle down and come in to some sort of understanding, mutual exclusivity that holds my heart down. Some contact with the outside world might me what I need to realize the truth and accept reality, after all.

I don't want to be in Rochester in this condition, but I don't want to miss this opportunity to be there for my mom, for Banu and Berra. It is also going to be the first time I am going to be leaving Salih at home, by himself for a long time, without being able to see him. I don't know how we're going to react to these premises. I am a little nervous, a little excited and a little sad.

Rochester, wait for me.

Traveling Conscious

The traveling conscious is a enviable thing, sometimes a gift from the Heavens and sometimes is just the opposite. I guess it would depend on your own personality and what you were hoping to get out of your traveling time.

For me though, over the years I have eventually created and have build something I like to call "The Traveling Conscious/ness". It sound ludicrous to many people around me and they like to just say well, she just possesses over active imagination. It doesn't matter which kind of traveling I am doing. It might be going to see my parents, coming back home to my boyfriend, or to see my boyfriend or romantic partner after a long pause, it might be traveling together, it might be somewhere I am experiencing for the first time, it might be for new beginnings, it might be because I am relocating to somewhere else to live my life, a new job, a job interview...whatever kind of traveling it might be. There are certain consciousness that follows with it, plaguing my mind questions surrounding the said traveling that goes beyond the mechanics of the immediate future and planning.

Every time I am going back to visit my parents my mind is invaded by questions regarding family, family responsibilities, branching out of a family, the natural succession of the order of law, growing healthy little families, the past that seems to indicate the future, and many other things that stems out of that line of thinking. This never fails. I travel with that conscious, experiment in that line of thought, come back home and finish on writing a few things that might eventually become a short-story, or begin the beginnings of a story, definitely several journal and blog entries that eventually seems to sharpen, clear and deepen my previous arguments and allow me to rediscover older aha moments and discover new ones that allows me to reach to the higher, next level.

It's time that allows me to think is probably would have made it simpler to describe. I should work on that some more. It effects the way we experience things, the way we learn things and the way we seem to frame our experiences and tell our narrative story. That I think in itself is legitimate enough to continue it even superficially.