Happy New Year's Everyone.
I wish that its a wonderful year filled with great happiness, a lot of joy, health and love.

tired, well out of it, and I can' find a glue anywhere. What in the world?
hmm, I feel this awkward sensation and I am not quite sure how to interpret it.
wine sounds good.

who knows???

Deepest secrets reveal themselves at the strangest times, and you never know when to expect to sift to the surface. Life never prepares one for such things. Then you don't know what to do, you freeze there, staring like that. Reactions are never really right, most of us never know how to properly react.
Revelations all strike us at the worst part of our nature.

is missing....

"It's so much simpler and so much easier to show someone how little you care-- if at all, than to show or perhaps prove otherwise. The latter takes effort, time and thought which rarely anyone of us are truly willing to sacrifice. Truthfully, sometimes your actions-- or lack of actions in this case speaks for you, allowing preconceptions which you won't care enough to change." N.F.C.

Mending Job can become the joy you have been seeking in a long time.
Jobs keep people happy.

Yep, I am wasting my time. Wasting my time with you.

There is so much that could be said, but I am going to refrain from doing so.

how magical things could be.

ah, I am a little broken these few days.

It just doesn't matter, does it? Nothing matters...and here I was hoping....forget it.

Dear Nicholas Cage, please stop appearing in movies.

Where am I going?
Flowers, and a nice heart felt, home made card would of been extremely well received today.

Random Ramblings

Major headache, swirling abyss and tugging darkness.
Perfect night I guess.
A glass of wine would of been rather perfect in this situation, only if I could get the cork to let loose and come off though. I have been pretty unsuccessful at that though.

there is a decaying part of me that I cannot stop.

Sometimes it takes more than believing in trust that the other person knows what you are thinking and feeling.
Often it requires reinstatement and confirmation, over and over again. It might be simply constructed sentences but nonetheless it still requires plenty of work.
Actions, thoughtful acts, considerations, and simple phrases that remind us that we are loved, we are appreciated and we are not taken for granted. All people across the globe like to be remembered, to be thought of, and to be delicately treated, to know they are loved and to know that they are the one special person. To share each other's lives. To become apart of someone else's lives, to be publicly open and to ask for special permissions.

angry venting

ahh you drive me crazy with all of your secrets and protection of it and hiding anything and everything from me and like thats not enough you completely rule me out without ever mentioning me, erasing my presence from your life, like I don't exist! Come on we've been together for how long and you still cannot get used to the idea that we are together and somehow you still cannot introduce me to the greater part of your life. WHAT BULL SHIT!
I don't think I can hold on to this any more, I don't think I want to either. This is seeping all of my energy out, and slowly I am dying, dying again! I don't believe it! this is not worth it!

I am pretty darn irritated and annoyed right now.
What in the world? Must it always come down to this? More and more secretive?
This is insane. What the hell are you hiding from me?

Return

I haven't wrote anything on here in a while.
I was home, and then I didn't have internet, next thing my computer was going through old problems, so I just didn't post anything up on here. Probably the biggest factor is that I could not remember my password for my account on here. :( thats a bad habit but everything is neatly saved in my laptop and with one click I never have to remember anything that's written down.
Einstein has said that "if anything is written down it is a waste of memory to memorize it." Albeit not in the exact same word order, in that line.
Going back home was interesting...to say the least. I am not sure what to make all of that. And afterwards, who knows. I am too cold, and too tired to examine anything anymore. There is a swirl of thoughts in my mind, one connecting to another, all going off tangents, in the continuum of life. I am lost in abyss as a summary.
One good thing that did happen was that I wrote a lot of my preconceived ideas, outlined them and have turned them into short stories, poems, essays and such. I have also been able to come up with a whole load of new ones. So that part was good to have to be honest. One good thing to keep you going.

But bad news come as I go anywhere. Knowing he was hurt, that severely stung and made a lump in my throat that I could not swallow.
You can't help yourself. Thats the way things are

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I hope you all have a wonderful time with your family and friends, along with those you care for.

Why do I have this eerie feeling inside?
Why am I constantly anxious, and why is my ear constantly waiting for a whisper of words that will inevitable shatter my world?
I can't find rest, I am relentless and there is nothing I find peace in. I am lacking something big in my life, something is a miss and I am forced to wander around, amidst thins confusion and abyss.
Frankly, I am not sure what I could do, or should do for that matter.

The whole bus ride here, I have been thinking about a whole bunch of things and since late night yesterday, I've been on the verge of crying. I was really close to not actually taking the trip back home today, I didn't want to make the trip. I wanted to stay home and shy away from the world, hide and escape. go off to my own world.
I just...am not in the mood for anything although tomorrow is a religious holiday for me.
I should be overjoyed for the matter of fact that I am going home to see family and friends and eat my grandmother's delicious food...I can't find it in me to be ecstatic. I just can't....be what I thought I would be. It isn't working out.

There is so much I want to say, but I just don't have the right words for them.

clustered and cornered, I really have no where left to go, no savior to wait for, and no glimpses of light out of this dark corner. My chances have striked three, and all my cause is hopeless. I am left to wander for eternity in the slums, searching for what ifs.

You know, flowers can be nice once in a while. With the right intentions and a good choice, they could say a lot. After all it is the thought that counts.

falling, falling, falling...

Lost in the nothingness and exhumed in the brilliant dreams sweet beyond imagination.
How can I explain, describe this feeling to you?
Altered by failure and unkept promises to be buried behind.

:/ and what was that suppose to mean?
If that's how you want to go at it, than by all means.

Finding Comfort in Linkin Park.

Ever listen to Linkin Park.
Honestly, including me, everybody knows that they aren't the greatest band alive. Really aren't. Chester sounds horrible in concerts, not just one or two I have been to. Sometimes they have the trashiest fans. Yet, most of them are pretty decent people, more than what I can so to most bands' fan base.
Yet, there is an alluring part of them that keeps me coming back to them. It obviously isn't their crappy music. It's the lyrics. I was first introduced to Linkin Park when I was in High School. Like most, I knew them through their "In The End" song that played relentlessly on the radio. Nonstop. Of course, this was my second introduction to rock. I was already leaning towards rock, metal, and I was at the right mind state too. Rebellious and I had a hatred for pretty much anything that surrounded me. I hated most music, I hated the people in my school, I hated the society we resided in, and I hated people's small minds and their inner conflict in their own swarm.
Linkin Park gave me that dose I was looking to escape. I didn't like Linkin Park because of Mike Shinoda, or their music that less than appeals to me. But, their lyrics. Ah, yes. Their lyrics always hit the spot, at the exact right time. Somehow, their crappy music meeting their brilliant lyrics written by Chester Bennington, made perfect sense, and meshed in amazing chemistry and it was in snych. It made magic. When it came together, it was exactly like, what it needed to be for most of those that are delusional, to prepare our perfect escape out of this world cut square and dry.
There is something about the lyrics that appeals to me beyond the surface. Chester usually writes from his own experiences. His own broken family, and violence he has endured. Not that I have endured any kind of abuse from my family, on the contrary. So what is it? I don't know. It's smooth and angry, its appealing and its dangerous. The lyrics always are vague enough to blanket a large audience but provides enough specifics for us to be lost in it. Rhyming scheme is usually done quite tastefully and their choice of words are always intelligent. It doesn't tick you off, however offers you those tricks to make you fall into their trap. Their lyrics are always fantastic. Music alone, is although quite questionable, and rather ... well only listenable. They aren't the greatest musicians in the world, and their lyrics are rather more exceptional than their music to be quite frank. They know that too I think, and that's why they rely heavily on their lyrical arrangements than their music alone. Most Linkin Park fans will admit, they prefer the lyrics, or that is the reason why they Listen to Linkin Park over anything else.
Now, I haven't listened to Linkin Park in a long time. Over a year.
But coming back to it is always sweeter.
Of course I suffered great dissapointment in LP when they produced their underground and rap albums. I wanted to curl up and cry. I felt betrayed.
However, as artists they have the rights to change their style, and evolve as their individual lives and styles change in order to better suit their needs. After all that is what artists and people do. As artists they have the freedom to create whatever pleases them. As fans, we have the right to like it, or disown it. But regardless a fan of course always has to remain respectful to those who create, instead of those who borrown on those that creates.
I am thankful that they always come back to their roots and to their ever forgiving fan base.
A weird relationship we, fans have with Linkin Park. One that continues no matter what it seems.
Finding Comfort in Linkin Park, is probably like sorts of an addiction to me after all these years.
I just can't stop and its my choice of coping mechanism, however silly that sounds.

There is always something to improve, something to prove, something to fix. There will always be declining, reclining and falling behind. No matter what you do, how sensitive your equilibrium is, or perhaps sturdy--it will be set off. Balance rests on careful formulas, but--inevitably all kinds of balance will break. One day or later. Sooner or later. While you think you're progressing you will always be regressing. While you add on experience, you age. Years are added to your skin, your mind, your heart and your destiny. Sometimes severed sometimes united. While you gain knowledge giving you an edge over the control of your life comes with the realization you can never know everything.
As you progress, you regress. You spend years in school studying, pouring yourself into academics, when you look back, you can probably hardly recall half. Even if you can recall all time will still be lost.
You might be relaxing now but you are not doing anything to contribute to your overall wellness, your knowledge, or your resume.
Life is interwoven like this so no one individual could ever truly walk forward.
That is a myth us, mortals create in order to console our failures in life.

Honestly, I am sick of it all, top to bottom, A-Z.
Not only has it been a long and difficult road, this has taken a total on my min and my emotional state, affects my physical health.
I really, don't know what else to do, or to say. I thought I had already, for the second time had explained everything thoroughly. And adamantly believed it was going to be different this time around.
I had expectations at one point, but I am not so sure of anything anymore.
It's a vicious cycle at the end of the day...truthfully.
I am rendered again.

who would of known?
Feeling down a bit today and a bit wondering around from one thought to the next...I am rather maybe coming back to an original decision.

Unruly.

Computers are a pain, quite simple.
They are supposed to make your life simple and easy, make it more advanced and enhanced for you.
However, really all they bring is headaches and constant maintenance to keep it running efficiently.
You have to constantly update your speed, your program, your users, and what not. You have to make sure you have the right versions of internet browser program, hard drives, disks, bla bla bla.
Really, we are all being controlled and manipulated by technology, especially by phones, and computers.

Loneliness and solitude is found in one's core, and those that surrounds us all.
When you awake early, before the dawn, or have been unable to sleep through the night like most mortals, you sometimes understand night better than any, and come to an agreement with solitude, loneliness.
It's not a sickness, it's not always a negative. It varies. Most would associate loneliness with an anti social person, one that can't get along with others.
Everyone's a bit of a loner, everyone's a bit of melancholy. We are all left to despair and mourn.
The question is, how you deal with loneliness, solitude.
It's good to be alone, where you can have quiet time, peace of mind, listen to yourself, and allow yourself to take a step away, a second's hesitation. After all we're human. We're born alone, and we die alone ultimately. Coping with loneliness is easier than thought. Not requiring someone's assistance, not needing others to be happy is true independence. To deal with life, without the consoling of another. True independence. You surround yourself around people you truly want to be around, those you truly adore and admire. Those you have a true connection with, not whom you need in order to make it through life.
That in itself is freedom, liberty, and independence.

I definitely didn't start the week off the right foot. Everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong.
I am growing tired of this vicious cycle.

feels awful.
tired, and sleepy, I really have no idea. I had a good night's sleep yesterday night and slept for a pretty long time.

Good-night!

Ladies and Gentleman, nothing is certain even throughout the day.
So when things go perfect as it may seem, the next second, be prepared for the doom.

Wake

Waking up at four thirty really isn't good for your mental and physical health. It's also really bad for your skin too.
I woke up for no good reason, honestly. My eyes just flung wide open.
Then no matter what I did, I just couldn't go back to bed. When I finally did manage to fall into slumber again, I saw a horrible nightmare and woke up crying. Honestly, what is my problem?
Waking up crying isn't really how I wanted to start my day, let alone a friday.
I edited some work on Booksie.com and posted a new piece of poem. It's called "Render" you should go check it out at www.booksie.com/NazireC
Well I am off to read the news and do my daily facial cleansing, and then off to stroll in an autumn day, hopefully not to cold.

Today is a good day..today will be good.
I have finally broken the curse? hopefully. I guess we'll find out in a few hours if I don't fall back into old habit.
But taking that long walk under the sun has done some much needed relaxing and well, sunshine for me.
sunshine is always good as long as you wear your spf 40+ sunscreen.
Ah, maybe things will change? Hopefully..I desperately need them so.
So, Nazire, be the change you want to see.
here goes nothing and everything.
I have to at least try right, and try it the right way :D

And sometimes with even the smallest gestures, tiniest reaction, littlest effort, atomic intention, single word, lesser desire, hope gleams through and lands on your window, nestles in your heart and puts your mind to rest, to ease for the night. For that single night, y ou can go to sleep tightly, in peace while you are sure of at the very least that one thing in your life. That minuscule moment could entirely change your world, your mind, your thoughts, your feelings of your own general well-being, about that particular person, for a time or for a while or perhaps for eternity.
Creases of history, of personal history, comes through indefinite moments that are abrupt and elfish like. Puny little thing, but it can overwhelm you. Like the olive of life. It could be olive sized yet create dramatic changes and could the universe in a different perspective and light in a matter of seconds.
Now that we've gotten deep and all, lets go back to simplicity, the basics, that single gesture.
A singular phone call, at night, before going to bed to say simple words such as: I love you, and I just wanted to hear your voice, those simple words that could pack so much meaning behind them and carry a powerful emotion that could move me to tears easily without doing anything as much as poking me. Something like that could keep a girl at night of over excitement or easily send you to sleep in knowing having found the safe and security one desires in the arms of the

Why isn't my booksie.com account working?

lets have this work out....

interesting...

Random Ramblings...

Its five in the morning why am up? I really would like to have a normal, human biological clock and sleeping schedule. Really it would do wonders for my physical and mental health.
Although I have been putting things back into order and trying to make things work. I am remaining helpful still, after all if one doesn't have hope what are you left with? Things have to work out for me eventually, you can only go down for so long right?...I am hoping so. Other wise, I am going to end up in hell both in this world and the next. Living through hell twice wouldn't sound appealing even to an atheist, let along me.
Somewhere along the line of life, something has go give, and my luck has to turn around an somehow give me one last chance to work things out? Misery can't continue to be a big part of anyone's life for so long. Suffering is accepted and welcomed, but even in suffering people are brought together by incredible moments and something to hold on to. That has to come through for me too...one way or another after I've worked so hard?

and a little bit of luck, a little bit of sunshine.
Woke up to a beautiful sunshine, in November. Blessing in disguise if you ask me, and rather beautiful.
Just to walk around under it and observing the sun, hoping good days around, I do hope this was a precursor to better days, that I desperately need.
Cozy night.

Soguk ruzgarin yuzume carpmasi, kurumus ve dokulmus yapraklarin arasinda yurume, dallari soyulmus, ciplak agaclarin arasindan gecerken sonbahar gunesinin yuzume vurmasi ve azda olsa icimi isitmasi, birer nimet, birer hediye, bir avuc hayat ve yasam.
Saatlerce dolasabilirdim eger su uykusuzlugum olmasaydi, ama bugun gun isiginin altinda yurmek istedim, hissetmek istedim gunesih isiklarini, gormek istedim o sari gunesi, bir morlu, kirli maviyle grili son bahar gok yuzunde. Piril piril, utanmadan, karanliga batmadan onceki hali.
Icim bir an icin kipir kipir etti, sevindi. Hayat yuzume gerimi dondu ne oldu?
Sarayip sarmaladi beni, ve belirsiz sokaklar icinde kaybolu verdim, tutu verdi beni, saklayip gizledi, en buyuk sirri olu verdim. Sonra, bir anda, hic beklenmedik o zamanda yolumu geri bulu verdim.
Sehre dogru, ve geride ise, bir yerde, kirmizi citli bir evin icinde bir soba, bir somine yaniyordu, ve belkide geri baksam dumanini gorebilcektim, kim bilir? Belkide goremicektim. Ama o yanan odunun kokusu ise gercekti. Esrarengizli baharat dukkani gibi cekebilirdi herhangi birini, herkesi. Herkesin derdine sifa olucak dukkanci, bir parfum dukkani, bir kitapci, bir felsefecinin kesfettigi bir yer, bir dindar adamin huzur buldugu mekan, bu yanmakta olan odun kokusu hepsini icerip her yastan ve her kisilikten, iki cinsiyettende insanlari toplayip bagrina basabilcek bir guce sahipti.

Bizse, ona karsi hesap veremicegimizi bilerek, ona gonulden gidip bizip cezbetmesine yurekten razi olduk.

agitated and sick of secrets.

Strained...a lot

tabula rasa?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzXulGX4aMo&feature=sub

blah, I feel awful. Why? I haven't the slightest clue. My head hurts, my body aches, and my eyes are on fire and I am bored ... I have lots of things to do, I just can't seem to get myself to do it.
Crappy Crappy Crappy

Umrunda bile degil

An Autumn Morning

To be awaken before the dawn,
to follow in the path of dead leaves
to where the sun will rise
The still and chill air
to breath of the lake blowing in
and the eerie month of hallow

To walk to be followed
to walk to follow
to find an to lead
to get a fresh of air
in your cornered little house of a cell.

nothing more pleasurable
than the morning of autumn before dawn.

So tonight did not end how I had hoped or how I had begun it.
I am still in the process of putting my life in order and living through it. You can say that I am still struggling with it to state the obvious.
There was a time in my life where I was great with lists, and orders. It came naturally to me, but now, maybe due to my special circumstance I just can't bring myself to do so. Who knows?
Yeah, probably that's it.
There is so much in this little body of mine, but half of it is lost in translation and half I am unable to make sense of it much, bluntly. Therefore, it ends up not getting out and it builds on and on.

A little shopping never hurt anybody...right?
Well, I did get two things I've been wanting over a while, and now if I could get my hands on that anti aging SPF filled moisturizer from Clinique, I would have the perfect set.
Today, didn't start quite perfect but it had been rather better than I probably hoped it would be.
I at least ended up getting some good time, and a little time outside of home does wonders to anybody to get inspired and motivated. Home as wonderful as it is, it is unhealthy to be at home all the time.
have no idea how Emily Dickinson, lived at home, without ever stepping a foot outside all that time. As my age grows the more I respect her honestly. I am amazed how she can continue to write so wonderfully without stepping a foot outside, and only from the real of her home she looked at the world and was able to give us a great insight at the world. A deep insight that most are unable to give us even living out in the social world like the social animals that we are. It is quite fascinating to me. However, staying at home does signify a great mental illness, I wonder what compelled her to never set a foot outside and I wonder what she had gone through that dispelled her from engaging in love--at least no one can tell if she was with someone all those years. There are of course theories of possible love that Dickinson possessed towards people. but nothing ever has been proven and nothing as ever been admitted by anyone during her lifetime. All there is left for us to do is to just wonder and well, a secret that will never be explained in reality. Regardless of how much conviction, how many evidences, how many theories we have, it can never truly be proven hence we cannot talk to the late Dickinson. It's possibly a pointless thing to talk about, but regardless, one does wonder. If anyone has ever read anything by Dickinson, it does raise suspicion, it does strike one with awe, if she could capture and captivate an audience with all of these emotions without herself living such, she is one brilliant human to be celebrated.
ahh..Dickinson.

I did wanted to live my life differently today, and make it a little bit zesty, make a difference.
However, currently that is all too much for me to handle.
Sleep calls.

Late night, autumn strolls are exceptional.

Today was crap

I feel so tired today for no obvious reasons.

You know what, it's a beautiful sunday!

Sleep over!

I would of liked to be read,
Carefully and with your whole heart,
But maybe that's asking too much out of you.
It's obvious that's not where your intentions lay.

out of my mind

Today is going to be a great day!!

Continuum

Sometimes life turns upside down and with it everything that you associate and attach yourself with.
I miss school, I dearly do, but I don't know what I want to do. I am not sure if I want to go back.
I hurt all over, and I am beyond confused.
Then on nights like these, where I can't sleep and my mind just runs over questions a billion miles an hour with rarely any answers, its hard not to fall into despair. Even if it's briefly. It's so hard to resist with so little going on.
Sure, I am on an intellectual surge where I read two books a week, and I write like a mad woman with a publishing deal. I wake up and I write, I am getting ready to go to bed and I write, I write in the middle of the day, I write paragraphs, I write stanzas, I write pages and pages of stories without a break like it's no body's business.
But, among all of this there is or are, something, somethings missing. I am not quite happy, I am no quite convinced, I am not quite satisfied, I am not quite up to par.
My mind is literally like a whirlpool.
Then, I am so afraid of you losing interest, of you thinking this is going to become something ordinary and that things will end worse.
I am beyond afraid of losing you, I am devastated by the suggestion alone, of having my heart broken again.
Somehow, I want things to work.
Just like how it was at the very beginning of this second round, I want you to be interested in my writing again, look for it, search for it, be in interest, and read and discuss it with me!
I don't want to walk down that path again.

Now, maybe a cold shower will help me with all of these feelings.

Warning: Cyclones of headache.

Late Night Talk

I can't seem to sleep tonight either. I went to bed and woke up three times by now.
I am not too happy about that to be honest. On top of everything, I am extremely bored. I could read a book, I don't really feel like reading Charles Dickens' "A tale of two cities" at this moment. It is rather morbid and I don't think I could handle any more morbid at the time. Its such a suffering book. Its brilliant but, its not an easy read like most of the books out there. These ones takes some time and a lot of thinking and a considerable amount of brain power to put things together.

I am not in the mood to write anymore either. I wrote a lot yesterday, and I wrote today two different stories complete with rough drafts, and edits and finished revisions. I don't think my mind could handle any more writing at the moment. I looked over transitional sentences and other things that would help anyone with their writing but I too soon lost my interest.

I am bored beyond imagination, and there is this hovering feeling in my spirit. I am not sure about anything.
Do you even read anything I write anymore?

besides that I am feeling low and blues tonight. Opera isn't helping me, classics isn't helping me. I am just in a shit hole tonight kids and adults. I guess there are a few questions, and there are things that bothers me. My mind plays over them and the questions finds themselves into my mind at the oddest moments.
Honestly, what am I doing? What am I trying to achieve?
Today, I was proven once again of the cold, hard reality. Only if it was as beautiful as a marble skinned vampire. Nonetheless, just like a vampire it sucks my very soul through my blood, leaving me empty and drained. Blahhh--I want to scream so loud on a roof top. Things are not going to change I fear. But than, I can't entirely blame one, its not like I have discussed everything out, detailed, frankly.

Somebody get me out of this stupid rabbit hole.

home sweet home

mini feelings that attach themselves together, along with the thoughts of then simulation of your mind, of your heart.
Things seem to go so well and your bodies mesh so well together that you begin to think that its the inevitable, it's the right and it is heaven ordained.
From one second to the next feelings that seems to link themselves, as if weaving a destiny through thoughts to seconds to ensure divination.

I wonder if you're reading this.
haha.

Uncertainty has a way of unraveling me.

I am rather confused and conflicted also unable to proceed.
ah, so many questions, so many inquiries...
I am unsure about so much, I have all these desires that are bi-polarized which can't be good for anyone.

Things aren't going to sort themselves out..they never do. A necessary amount of time and effort are needed to make anything right, or straighten it out. That's just how things are.
Just gusts of autumn sky

Just wrote a story..inspired by that old man in the train.
He had made me think so much at that time, I couldn't help but write about it!
It took me all night, but it was worth every word

...hm I guess I shouldn't of done that.
Which I will fix now.
Besides that, I realized a few things on my train ride to Rochester.
Love is such a little bitch I swear.
It makes life beautiful but very difficult.

And Rochester welcomes me with warm rain, ah....I do love Rochester in autumn.

Traveling to Rochester so early in the morning sounds so depressing and torturous. How I wish I could travel to somewhere else like, London, or perhaps France, or Berlin, Greece sounds pretty good to my ears too.

I don't know what in the world would drive me to feel this way, however I may abhor the journey to Rochester, I am kind of looking forward to be in the presence of my mother, seeing my grandfather, ah and eating the delicious food my grandmother makes, of course my brothers endless jokes and love constraints. Rochester is truly beautiful in the autumn though. The duration of Rochester's magic is only in autumn. The only time when it seems charming, alluring and something out of a fantasy world. Somewhere live-able.
How I detest Rochester.

Well, I shall go with a book and my laptop, prepared to finish the book and edit my new short story. Possibly even begin another one. Ah that will be good. I am also thinking about bringing another book so I can read it in Rochester to keep me away from boredom. I am not thinking about buying another book in Rochester, because well, I have a few in my list already that I need to finish before I drawn myself in a never ending book list.

I can't wait to be in my mother's warm, kind, nonjudgmental and welcoming embrace.

And a new journey begins, which I have no clue to where it will end.
The night before is always nerve wrecking, probably more than the actual act of itself.
So, hopefully this one will end good.

another all nighter...

Funny how life works.
We all need certain things to get through our days, our years and our lives. All of us, even the most aimless, carefree creatures of the world needs a purpose, a reason to live, to continue to exist and to justify our own existences, living, breathing, consuming, a reason why we occupy space and time.
We all need, even the most rigid, upscale, responsible people need their drug of choice. When I use the term drug here, I do not mean in the literal sense of narcotics. Not cocaine, weed, acid, or whatever is popular these days. I mean it in the most metaphorical sense. We need to have reality as sweet, as dreamy, in a fantasy like world as we could get it. Workaholics surround themselves in work and only work so the other parts of life that exist and are very much real just like the work life...real....but they do everything in their power to diminish the other circles of life's influence.
religion fanatics live in for the after death, for the promise of the other world to be realer, to be sweeter, to be better than we all currently occupy.
The over sensitive, the emotional freak, as most people call them. To make you feel better, I am probably included in this category of people as well. We tend to live it out, and hope for more intense, more passion in all sides of life, even sometimes we cant deal with the negativity. but people that are over emotional tend to be creative so when we are overhauled and our circuits about to blow up we tend to work more, and create more whatever it is that we occupy our emotions with.

We all have drugs that are inescapable, that we are addicted to yet have no intention of stopping. Because, well most of us aren't even aware of our addictions that drives us to the core of life and madness.

ah, nauseas..so much to do.

The Magic of Books

There is something magical about books and the world it creates for its reader as much as for its author.

Imagine a small local bookstore, as you enter to the store, the smell of pages and covers greets you warmly and softly. The sight of books stacked on bookshelves is rather intoxicating, the knowledge, words, emotions and stories to be unfolded right under your fingertips and hidden away in your mind, your imagination. Things that beckons to be found out, secrets to be revealed, a history to share and to ravel a whole world right before your own eyes.

A good book, can take you not; only to a beautiful place with the most vivid descriptions imagination or reality could offer to human mind, the words and emotion packed stories with good twists and plots, setting making everything else in the story well...set. The characters whimsically play around and you begin to like them like your own, or hate them perhaps. You begin to have hopes and expectations on them, characters that necessarily don't exist, a product of fiction but you can be disappointed, hopeful, shamed, sad for, mortified and the list goes on. The liven up right before you without you even realizing it, or waiting for it to happen. In mean while you holding your breath wondering what is going to happen next. Besides these, a good book always has something its trying to say, something it's trying to prove. Something that the author wants to share and has gone through painstaking processes in order to produce a book, something of imagination, provocation, made up of only ideas and words, nothing concrete, bearing his or her soul, which you will pay between five and thirty dollars and read it all in about probably 2 to 5 days. In return which you will criticize every word, every chapter, the setting, the plot, the characters, the dialogue, and the climax along with the ending. No author can satisfy all of its reader or those who happen to stumble upon its creation.

World of books, magical, elongated, passionated and forever lost.

Good morning earth, and hello wine induced writing.

I feel pretty darn stupid right about now.
Edit: (Addition)
Yeah, yeah. I didn't feel like making another entry right back to back when I've already made quite a few today.

I obviously can't stop writing about my own inadequacies and how inept I can be. Scratch can be, and insert am. I feel horrible. A part of me is dying while I am trying to save the other part. It seems like I can't save myself, can't help my self, me, the only person who should be able to, even when I try my hardest. All there is left is failure. While I clean one part, the other starts sagging and dragging me down. I am always left behind, trying to catch up, but the only thing I seem to be doing to keep lagging behind, being left behind and watch the shoulders of life, heading ahead of me, without me. Like, life ever waited for anybody. Why should it wait for me? Of course it wouldn't.
I did feel pretty good today, to start off, checking off so many things off of my to do lists, but at the end, I just feel like crap, crawling under my blanket and sleeping...running away from it all. The bigger question is when did I became like that? I look back to my childhood years, I was absolute opposite of that. My teenage years has been quite ripe and fruitful. My young adult years on the other hand is quite futile. I feel as though, Life has been drained right out of me.
Life is passing right before my very own eyes, hands and feet and all I can do is, watch it go by in misery, failure and regret.

I should just get over the point that I will never be able to do anything I want, nor anything I had originally planned. Everyday, I drift further away from everything I passionately came to believe in, and planned so laboriously. Alas, my assets amounts to zero, nothing, nadda, zip. I should come to terms with myself, my inability to achieve anything, embrace it, move on with my life and draw a new path for myself so I don't end up in the same place as I am exactly right now in the next 20 years.

Can hardly contain herself

ah, and the wonders it does to your day just by waking up early :D
I feel wonderful today, and even baked a cake to top it all off.
Its good to be on a roll.

something dearly flutters in my heart.
Good morning earth, and hello dream induced writing :D

So cliche, truly. But classics are classics for a reason :D
And therefore; be the change you want to be in the world...

Clearly...you know its like this merry go around that keeps rewinding itself to the beginning and never stops. Right when you think the pace has changed, it goes back to the top again and again. Really, it makes you this great prophecy maker. You can already see how this round is going to end, because well, you've only been there one too many times, seen it from beginning to end one too many times. And, this shall too end like the previous engagements.

Gecenin en karanliginda bile.... bazen bir umut vardir. Dogacak olan gunes, azda olsa bir sebeptir.
Ama elinde o bile kalmamissa...

Icimde birseyler oldu....

and it unravels......right before your very own eyes and feet...

baskin alevler...

We're off to a good start. Productive one at that !

"Merhaba" -- Ahmed Arif

MERHABA

   Gün açar,
   Karın verir yağmurlu toprak.
   İncesu Deresi, merhaba.
   Saçakta serçeler daha çılgındır,
   Bulutlarda kartal,
   Daha çalımlı.
   Koparır göğsünden bir düğme daha,      
   Tezkere bekliyen biri.
   İncesu Deresi, merhaba.

   Genç bayraklar vardır,
   Barış düşünür,
   Kuyularda işçi, mavilikleri.
   Ben hepsini düşünürüm,
   Yirmidört saat
   Ve seni düşünürüm,
   Karanlık,hırslı...
   Seni, cihanların aziz meyvası.
   İlan-ı aşk makamından bir mısra,
   Yeşerip, kımıldar içimde,
   Düşer aklıma gözlerin...

   Oysa murad alamam.
   Oysa akdan - karadan
   Bilirim, payım bu kadar...
   Unutmuş gülmeyi gözbebeklerim.
   Unutmuş dudaklarım öpmeyi.
   İncesu Deresi, merhaba...

                       Ahmed ARİF

Why do I fear so, for eternity is long and restless?
For, if this was meant to be, why is every fiber in my being denying me happiness?
If this was the right thing to have, why is my soul so drawn out, exhausted, uncelebrated?
In every corner of my mind, warning signs have gone off, and I can no longer turn the blind eye...however, what keeps me here? At this abhorred of a place, this situation less than o, fortune for me?

Somebody please, have this explained to me.
Ever since the first day, I saw the red ribbon of fate connecting two souls for eternity.

Wine and Chocolate

Later in the evening the combination of Wine & Chocolate is irresistible. Truly. To add Norah Jones' music into the equation is unbelievable. It adds up to the perfect math of a beautiful, soulful night.

If I never had this conception before a week ago, by today I would be convinced by now that God, Universe, some sort of cosmic patriarch loves me in the most sadistic way possible. Honestly, this cosmic patriarch, God, Universe is rather scary wrath and havoc wrecking, and I am it's target. Unfortunately I have no way of escaping the disasters that will befall upon me shortly. I am pretty convinced, and by the end of today I came to the verdict that I am the object of obsession when it came to making pranks, and a living irony of this God, Universe...Cosmic patriarch.

To hear, the most opposite end of the spectrum, by your own object of obsession and soulful emotions is rather at the very least to begin with intoxicating, confusing, and the worst prank that could be played upon anyone. No matter how sturdy the logic and feelings of the individual is. If I wasn't paranoid before, I should be by now. The initial stage should be more than enough to drive anyone insane, crazy, psychotic.

To be brutal, I am confused and I am not sure what I should do. I know the right step for this sort of a thing, that I should take to escape from the brutality of the aftermath it will have on me. Once a quitter is always a quitter after all. The logic and the process is rather easy to fall into and believe. But, however, I refuse to believe in theories that are slippery-slope in nature. But I can't help but to think, persons change persons. Events and circumstances play a big hand at the fate of everyone as much as the character and the personality. I, for one fact know that very well. Too well to my own dismay. I had always dreamed to be so that person, whole-heartedly. The sounds and allures of the promises are also so hard to resist. If magic did exist, I am sure the spell the allures and sounds of promises to be fulfilled, that are so sincere and genuine would be impossible to break. I am sure of that with every fiber of my being.

Where does that leave me?...Absolutely no clue. As anything else in my life, that is uncertain too.

Somehow between mourning and sorrow, the light wonderfully basked her with bliss and hope.

You can only go so low for so long before the situation changes.

Edit: Before you see things differently, before your feelings, your being, and your thoughts have been changed, different than their original responses. Life, changes all of us, slowly. In one way or another. Sometimes we have the the power to guide these changes in the way we want to. Sometimes, it's already too late, life has changed us irrevocably in one way or another, by the time we realize it, it's a part of ourselves. And now, everything is different. Synchronization is harder than you might think :)

Good News

There are several good news enough to make me happy currently. That alone is a great thing.
Yakup has returned from his mandatory military service. That is a relief. He's been back for a few days, but we've only recently had the chance to chat up. I've missed him so, dearly... Yakup is one of those true friends, to truly have his friendship is something people imagine a better part of their lives, but most often then so, people don't. In that aspect I am truly blessed. He's been there for me, for better or worse. He's even been there for my emotional wreckage when he was in the army. He can even detect the slightest differences in my mood through the way I use any words, sentence structures. He knows me well. I am very happy he's back to his family, friends and lover.

Secondly, I am back to being decisive again. I have made some choices and decisions to follow up on that. For a while, I was so afraid to make a decision and nothing was certain. Although nothing is still certain, it's great to be able to make decisions like I use to. Clear, concise and tohorough. I don't want to have to give this up again.

Thirdly, I have completed a large part of American Classical Literature readings. When finished it is something to be celebrated. Of course I am still no where near completion.

Fourthly, I am writing systematically again. Journal, stories, poetry, and it's a variety, instead of only morbidity. I do love morbidity but as a writer in order to grow, varince is the key. It will get no where if I only write about similar themes, with similar back story, simlar phrases to make the mood dark. You get the gist.

Today, is blissed with rain. It's so beautiful. Yes, I had things to do and had to skip out of them due to the fact tht it's raining like cats and dogs, but watching it here at home like this, is so worth it.

It's a new day :)

I can see the light at the end. There is a little bit more pain and blood and tears to flow left. The darkness is shedding down slowly, but surely. My life is complicated as always but I am going to stick to writing, reading, researching and finding a way out of it.

It's okay, and I am going to do what I do best. Be independent and go get what it is that I really need. It's going to take a long time but I am going to make my dreams come true.
I am not going to stay in this huge of a crater forever. I am not here to stay. Soon, when I have healed the scars on my wings, I am going to fly so far away.

Moon, tonight was as glorious as ever. There is something about the moon that makes everything else surreal when you gaze upon it. This pearl among the vast nothingness. Truth be told, I hate Rochester, but there is something irreplaceable about the moon-gazing in Rochester. Here this place, doesn't hold a candle to it. Tonight was spectacular and a rare occasion. I walked for a long time under the rain. At one point it came down really hard. It was what I needed and it hit the spot.

Wheels to change destiny is set into motion. Let the fight begin.

Happy Eid to all :)

So, tonight, or this morning to be more precise has been dedicated to writing. I've written pages and pages and I can't seem to stop myself. Here, my little thoughts notebook, my theories, my stories. Well, tonight was rather, an harbinger of feelings, and all things secret relic, holy, sacred, magical, sorrowful. Eventful to say the least. Who would of imagined. Certainly not me.
And I still can't seem to stop writing. So what is it that I truly want to say, that I truly feel that seems to boggle everything, unmuzzled my very own solid foundation of beliefs, my sturdy dedications, firm convictions, my very own mambo-jumbo heart, that is scarred beyond words?
I absolutely have no idea.
My head is about to split into two, and I am dull beyond expectations. I should be hyper, broken, relieved, lots of energy and more than I can carry on. Instead, I wrote, and I watched. Writing, is typical but watching t.v. definitely not. Every sense should be alive, instead there is something amiss, something very wrong. To be this calm, collected, and be able to recollect everything. I am sure this is going to eventually register in the following days, and it's vengeance is going to be brutal and beyond for me.

To tie things together.

Note to self. Definitely save Robert Pattinson's "Never Think."
Also, the Bella lullaby is amazing by Carter Burwell. I hate admitting this but Twilight actually has a good soundtrack. *ugh* Hollywood ruins everything. Edward had always been a special name to me, (no idea why) now they've ruined it for me. Everybody screams Edward Cullen now. They ruined my vampires too. :(. I love a good story about vampires. Vampires don't glitter in the sunlight damn it! Takes out the whole incentive to remain a mortal being. Okay stopping from the whole Twilight mode here, thats a must save for another time when I have less things on my mind and heart.

Its a simple fact about me that I prefer sunsets to sunrises, the moon itself to the sun. Moon is alluring, charming, mysterious, dark, morbid, serene, powerful and pure. It sits upon the sky like a pearl upon the slender, elegant, graceful neck of a noble woman, a woman of power, poise and suffering. This alone probably explains my infatuation with rain, the night, the creatures of the damned, the moon and the theme modification of my stories, poems and melancholy emotions of my writings. It is also a long known thing that I always write about more melancholy and morbid things. It's very rare that I have written love poems, and they are only about two man thus far. Never a third, or a fourth.

Melacholy does suit me best. It is afterall melancholy, sadness and eternal damnation is what I was brought to earh for. The math isn't difficult here. I love all sorts of morbid things, Shakespeare, Nathanial Hawthorne, the Bronte sisters, Halloween, the sadness, tears, autumn, writing, French movies, London, suffering, pain, tears don't seem to be shy to me, nor I prone to them. Of course never in public. I despise that.

This all brings me to this one point. I have been writing a lot lately. Poetry, short stories, random two three pager emotions with a story in itself, no before, or after. Cut in the middle, just then and there. Of course Debussy is the best music list for that :)
I have decided to try at the very least to publish some of them, and to actually officially, systematically work on my that awkward, immortal queen story. I have been working on it, since what? Sophomore year in highschool. I have decided that I am going to keep the story morbid, melancholy, suffering, and hurtful. I was going to add happy things, and end it with a happily eveer after. I have decided to change that as of a few days ago and make everything as bad as I could make a character whom I love deeply as I can. And because probably I love her so much that I will make her suffer so she won't make the mistakes that I have made. I must of rewrote the introduction 15o times at the very least. I have over 250 chapters at my hand, with more always coming, and edited, polished, and I am not even ready to let go of that story, of those characters yet. Maybe I should name him Edward? Considering the emotional attachment I have infested over the years of life, as a way to deal with all bad things happening in my life, and also a dream cursor to me especially. I swear, I see these characters as clear as day in my dreams, as their characters take center stage, events unraveled, and I write about it in the morning when I wake up. Strange. Our relationship has been like that for years. I also of course get half of my ideas from my dreams. That's another story. Not very creative now am I? I have decided to write it and publish it here along the way and enter it into competitions. Now that I have announced in the infinate black hole that is called the internet, as this is now out there, I have no returning back on my word as I have done so, many times previously about getting this done. Now, I can't turn back and must publish. Yay for self made mandatory motivation.

To be lost within is probably one of the worst feelings one could experience. No matter how many times through out an individual's life, each time they bring their own darkness, fears, complications, and baggage. It changes every time. You can never truly get over it. Its more along the lines of doing things so you don't get back sucked into the vacuumed nothingness, darkness, numbness and hazy life passing you by without seeing anything. To be blinded both through your heart, and your eyes is a horrible feeling of isolation, that is millions times worse than "Time Out" we receive from our communities. But at the same time, it hurts so much, large doses of melancholy and unbearable loneliness. With so many other elements in the equations and combinations as a result, its a wonder to me that any human being functions throughout the day in their own daily loves. This of course, absolutely includes me. Fantasy world without a doubt is definitely much, much sweeter.
How does one actually go about getting out of the sucked vacuum? How does one continue their daily life with all of its ups and downs, its drawbacks, difficulties, superficial people, and remain being happy? If there is some sort of an elixir, a state of mind, a formula I would very much like to know about it. Ah, that would probably make a lot of money judging from consumerism and how a large chunk of the humanity seems miserable to me.

You've got mail

Receiving bills in your mail box is often frustrating. In this economy I don't think anybody really wants to check their mail. Dreading the idea of getting more bills to pay, or similar of the category.
But, there is something special about getting mail. Its makes, most grown ups, even me with this anxious, nervous feeling, with excitement about what we will get. A surprise retreat.
So, when I saw slightly bigger yellow envelope, it made my heart jump. For a moment I thought this is what people experience when they're using ecstasy. For that one millisecond I could relate to them.
I absolutely love my cousin Sena :) To receive what she has given me is worth more than the worlds. A collection of poems by one of my favorite authors Ahmed Arif :) with little notes from her.
what could anyone ask for else?

A little releasing.

Lately, there has been a lot going on. I feel alive again! Ah, what a treat this is.
To feel, to think, to be passionate once again. I feel like I've been numb and frozen for a very long time. Now, I am finally defrozen, thawed, with a beating heart. I am not frantically crying anymore, I am not losing sleep ( as much anymore; and although I am no professional but I do know myself better than anybody else can ever hope to, which this surplus of sleep is a good progress sign.) I am back to being me, to being this happy but melancholy thinker, woman, person, frantic researcher.

To have your happiness being dependent on another human being is overwhelming, tiring and painful. Your own freedom is taken from your own hands, mind, heart and will. It is a relief to say that I no longer have that dependency. Although where this is leading is another thought, for another day. So I'll leave it at that. ... for now at least.

I am oozing out with these imaginative, creative ideas for writing, for thinking. I am looking things up, and learning. These ideas come flowing into my head about anything and everything. I enjoy a book again, and I can have deep literary discussions. I feel ecstatic that I can do these things again.

To be alive, to feel, to think is great. Hm, future looks promising, and glimmering of hopes comes right into my day.
I do have a lot of work to do, but I sure am not shy. I am willing to do it and get out of this rut once again.
Suffering and pain is definitely there for the rest of any one individual's life. No one is ever exception to that. In our own lives, to our own eyes, relativity is subjective compared to the universe. Therefore our own pain is the worst. Everything is harder to us. But, anything that makes life worth living is the mystery of what will and what can happen. Can our destiny's change inevitably in the future? The hope of a future. The promise of happiness. Allures us to make our lives better, to live through life and not just sadistically escape the suffering and the pain.

FOOOOOD

and i welcome change with open arms :D

Okay, something just shined out of the darkness to me, and really gave me the tiniest glimpse of hope.
It just clicked and made sense, and I can finally make everything logical about that. :D
Ah, going to a happy place is good.

feels like she should really begin writing that story she's had for years and years.

Al that really awaits any one individual is pain and suffering.

gitmek isteyene kal diyemezsinki

Life is a bitch, but that's not anything new for anyone in this day and age.
You can give it all, like I did. You can love from the very bottom of your heart, give them your entire being, and care for them with your soul and at the end sometimes it just doesn't matter to the person. They can easily end anything without looking back and thinking twice. All there is left for the person behind is to grieve, cry and mourn, then eventually at some point move on with their lives. As if that's possible. It's a lot easier to say then to accomplish.
I tried my very best with everything I had, I was attentive, I cared, and more...but at the end easily it was shattered.
You can be left with questions as much as you want, and you can console yourself saying in the future, but really all you're left is the bitter feelings of the aftertaste and future is uncertain. Good or bad things come, it is a fifty fifty and no one can guarantee you a better time, a better person and happiness. Most likely things will get complicated as time goes on and you are left with the scars to live with after all that you have shared and lived through. It becomes nearly impossible to look at life, love and relationships after each hit, each battle. It becomes harder to believe, to truth, to be certain of....It is a fleeting world after all.

bitti artik hersey, her ne kadar benim canim acisada, her ne kadar goz yaslarim aksada, hayatimdaki en guzel ruyam biti verdi hemde ben hic anlamadan.
sevinemiyorum, ustumden yuk kalkmis gibi hissedemiyorum...
sadece geriye kalan huzun ve husran

Canin acisada, devam ediyor hayat herseyiyle, sana ragmen, inadina hayat yeseri binbir renge boyanmaya, inadina mutlu olmaya devam ediyor.
En mutsuz en zor gunlerinde hersey ust uste gelip biraz daha seni yorar, biraz daha seni senden alip, neler gotururmus senden. Geriye taki senden geriye, sana ait hic birsey kalmayana kadar. Ne kokun, ne duygularin, ne hislerin, nede ruhun. Taki hepsini son damlasina kadar icine kadar.

Yandi gene burgazim cayir cayir tipki benim kalbim gibiii

hickira hickira aglamak istiyorum

cani cok ama cok yaniyor.
biraz mutluluk kursaginda kalmasimi gerekirdi? Yavas yavas karanliga gomulmeye hazirlaniyor. Cunku yapraklarla degisen bu sevda, geriye yerini derin yaralara birakipta gidiyor, gun isigi az daha isitirken, biti veriyor bu ask...
belkide ilk gunden beri tek tarafliydi ...belki degil bilemyorum. ama yolculugumuz esnasinda birsey birseyler bir cok sey degisti...acik tutsam bile gozlerimi yakaliyamadim..kacirdim.
Sende kapattin
Bunu haketmedim ben.

it hurts and i can't do anything about it.
I wish things didn't end up this way.

kalbim, yarim,
gonlum eksik,
gulusum bile tam degil
cekiniyorum sen yoksun diye
icten bile gulemiyorum
sanmaki aklimi bir saniye bile birakiyorsun
degil uyanikken
uykuda bile ruhum senle

yarim kaldim, imkansiz baska birseyle doldurmam bunu. ne esya ne insan ne dusunce baska hic birsey yerini dolduramaz.
Ne aci diner, nede sizi yavaslanir.
Goz yaslari sessizlige mahkum olur, sende benim saklim olursun.
ama yazik oldu

kalbinin pili bitmek uzere

Aksamin soguk karanligina dogru yavasca ilerliyor

acinin sarhosuyum...

i want the pain to stop

my heart aches so deeply....

Nasil sevmissem, her yerde seni anmamak mumkun degil.
Icimde bir bosluk, eksiklik ruhumda, kalbimdeki sanci belli gozlerimden.
Boyle hissetmemekse imkansiz..mantik isi degilki.
Kirginliksa, kizginlikla karisik, huzune ve ihtirasa elini vermis, yuruyor karanligin ortasina.
Aklimdaki her dusunce bir sekilde sana baglanir.
Goz yaslari akar, istek disi
gunesse yakmaz tenimi, isitmaz icimi, gozlerimi acitir.
Ne yapsamki?

Unutulmuyor ne yaparsan yap, ne soylersen soyle.
eger herseyinle sevmissen, benligini vermissen, benimsemissen uzuntu huzun dolar icin gozlerin yas gonlunse kana bulanir. Yerini kizginlik ve kirginlik alir.

this is too much to bear

I have this strange feeling inside today, I woke up with it. I don't know if it's because of the dream I saw, or because of the feeling that I saw the dream as a forewarning. Nonetheless it's there within my blood and under my skin, in my core, relentlessly haunting my heart. Should I give him a call? Maybe a text message? I just hope things turn out alright. It's a little bit heavy to carry this. Heavier than I initially presumed.
I pray things don't take a turn for the worse. I need something good in my life.

ah yada yada...
sometimes I really wish that I had a crystal ball...

So confused

canim yaniyor, sevmenin bedeli bumu?

Free write

does it has to hurt so much every time? does my heart need to skip so many beats all at once, does my soul needs to be shattered over and over, does hot water be boiled on my neck all over again?
Its too cruel. something is picking my heart, soul, mind, and spirit away. I can barely lift a finger.
so many little things matter, i just cant seem to smile. the sun doesnt shine and its cold, i shiever from cold every night. My crying wont cease and the pain only grows larger everyday.

did it have to be this way?

does it have to hurt so much?

you havent even called once...

...canim aciyor, haberin yok. onemsemezsinki bile.

and the pain doesnt get any easier, ever

and so the wound only continues to get deeper, and th hurtful days begin to be unbearable. Welcome to the future.

and why does my heart still skip a beat when I think about you?

i wonder what he is doing right now

a better mistake.

.....

so hurt, so lonely, and in a lot of pain...I just wish you understood and reciprocated my feeling.

wonders if she could get drunk to night on so much...

Every time, I say, I will stop caring, and just move on. But every time the promise I make to myself, I break it with my own actions and feelings.

hates the fact that flights have been getting delayed and delayed all this time. :( Makes me so anxious.Also this female co workers..hm. strange ya know.

Lately I have so much to do, so what's the best thing, not to procrastinate and actually do them on time not to live through severe consequences.

There is so much I want to say, so much I feel, but I just don't know how to come out and say it. I dont know how to deal with all these feelings I am going through.
...kalbim sizliyor.

how can a person continue like this? So much mystery and blanks, lies, misinformation...relentless, restless. The end draws near, doesn't it?

kupu doldu

pray

Yesterday was an amazing day...for the first time, it felt so natural to be together. I had dearly missed you so. But it makes me question everything. We sparsely have good days and it hardly feels natural anymore. You don't hold my hand, you barely kiss me, and not that you were ever close to me, you seem so far away again. I just don't know what to expect from you. I wish I could have said I had a grand first love experience, I'll only remember you in pain.

so hot

Bir ileri iki geri, her zamanki gibi. Cumartesi superdi ama pazar hic cit, ses yok. Bugun desen oda oyle. Bakalim, aksam ustu ne olucak?

It is so unfortunate to be cared for so little...

Thanks for not caring so much after I haven't slept a wink

wonders

Kollari sivama zamaniii

From now on, I just hope that things get well and better. I pray to stay happy for a while.
I want my mother to feel better too. After all that she has done she deserves a little bit of peace and happiness.

My life...as always, is a roller coaster.
I guess sometimes wanting stability is a bit too much of a luxury one cannot afford.

sad sad sad sad sad sad....

is still waiting by the phone for your call..just so ...i can hear two three words...

its passed midnight and you still havent called me to celebrate my birthday...
just call me.....please?

Dur kalbim dur...icindekileri tutmaya devam. Kilitle hepsini. Herseyin bir vakti, bir yeri vardir derler ya. Simdi eger soylersen, onu kaybetmeye goze alman lazim. Alabilirmisin onu kaybetmeyi goze..bu riske girebilirmisin? ..Ey kablim, soyle, cevap ver soruma...Derinden, ve en icten gelen sesin verdigi cevap hayir.

and sometimes life throws you lemons...

It feels like a summer night tonight, and it feels rather lonely for some reason. Nothing is right today, unhappy and i just woke up from the wrong time and wrong side

Eternal Sleep

To sleep once your heart has stopped beating and your soul and flied away...should be a great joy
but to be in eternal sleep while your heart pumps fresh blood, your mind wanders through past, present, and future, and your soul continues to feel....but during that time to be in eternal sleep is dangerous, and also a destructive.
You lose out on so much while waiting for something to happen, or a set date to begin.

Nedir bu icimdeki kavga, bu tutku, bu kargasa? Bir turlu rahat bulamayan ruhum, ve geceleri beni uydurtmayan his? Ensemdeki ates bitmek bilmiyor bir turlu

I just want the time to stop. Stop as it is. Although there are always severe consequences with this action. As life is right now, I want it to stop. At the same time I want it to continue so that I can finally get back into track and continue my life towards my envisioned destination. but that will always remain as a wish

...Inen ve kalkan Perdeler...

Sebebi belli olmayan nedenler yuzunden, bir gun hayatin yerli yerinde giderken hayatin 180 derece degisi verir. Ve senin ruhun bile duymaz, taki en son duraga gelene kadar. Inanamazsin geldigin noktaya, sasirirsin. Sen sen degilsindir artik. Gozlerin sanki Allah tarafindan baglanmistir. Bir sekilde korku taki kalbine kadar islemistir. O yuzden kipirdiyamazsin. Gunler geceye olusur. Rahat yuzu goremezsin. Daralirsin, nefes alamazsin. Gecelerse, kucuk cehenneme donusur. Gun gectikce caresizlige dusersin ve gecen gunlerin ardindan azap cekersin, yapamadiklarina, yapmak zorunda olupta beceremediklerine. Icin gider. Ve bunlar arttikca kendini gunahkar hissedersin. Hissettikcede boynundaki yuk cogalir, uykular, ruyalar birer kiyamet olu verir. Hergun, her defasinda. Seni tekrar tekrar yargilanirsin. Kendi kendine, icindeki sesin. Ve her gecen gun daha da siddetli acimasiz olur. sonra kendine acirsin. Aciz ve vasat bir duruma gelmissindir, kendinden ve dunyadan tiksinirsin.

Sonra, kendine acikmaktan, tiksinmekten, ve yargilamaktan yorulursun, tukenirsin. Bir anlamida kalmamistir. Olan olmus, testi kirilmistir. Giden gunleri geriye getiremezsin ama gelecek gunlerin gidisini etkiliyebilirsin. Onlara bir yon verebilirsin. Yavasca ve birden bire gozlerindeki bag cozulur. Perde kalkar ve gelecegini degistirmek icin cabalarsin, ve kalkarlar. Daha cok emek vermek zorundadirsindir bundan sonra. Daha fazla ugrasip cabalaman lazim. Ama biraktigin icinde bir o kadarda kiymetini anlarsin. O yuzden dahada siki sarilirsin, benliginin her noktasinla.

Gelecek hepimiz icin hayirli olsun.

Emotions that can't be put down into words

Is outraged, angered, jealous and mad beyond belief. I cannot express my feelings in a mere words. Even if I were able to accomplish expressing myself in words, I am not sure I would like the outcome of it. Even if I was successful in putting my emotions into words, I am not sure if I want to admit to them. I am not sure I want to realize some of the truth in my life. I am not sure I want to take responsibility for my own mistakes, and I do not want to endure the consequences.

My gut tells me that there is more to him and her, and I try to hard to turn the blind eye, yet all I can do is search and try to look for answers that will either send me to my doom along with our doom, or will eventually satisfy my own ego and pride. I don't know why and how things turned out this way, or how even it got to this point. Of all people, her ...why the hell? I wouldn't of ever considered even a mere female. She was less than that. Is that the idea that bugs me, and makes my skin crawl?--Even so, I am still afraid of learning the truth about how they got together, what they lived, how and why they broke up, and why they still continue communication...It puzzles me. The idea of anybody else, frightens me to no end.

I know I was blinded and somehow fear disabled me for action, thus leading me today. Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of already being late, and which inevitable led to a later late, which possibly can't be returned now. I feel like I am lost at an eternal tunnel, well, ditch, darkness that will never lead to a light, and even if it did the consequences and the journey there is going to be rather more than ultra difficult. I don't know if I can hold on and can endure it. But why did things have to end up this way when I was on the rise? Was it another demonstration that God can just pull it right under your feet, or that you can lose control so easily if you are distracted for a second...I fear the future of myself and humanity.

What am I to do, how am I to answer, and how am to live? -- All these questions shall be answered within short period of time, probably very painstakingly and very unfortunate for me at the end..on my own. I've jumped to the deep end on my own, without anyone's pushing. Yet seeing those pictures have angered me so much, made me feel so less. I've got to get over this, put the saddle back on my horse and get back on it...possibly right away. The bigger question remains, how will I do all of that? Do I have the courage and the strength to pull it out? Or will I end up crying and blaming myself and the world for all the mistakes that I have made, or made to choose? Of course it evolves and branches off to so many other questions, theories and other responses that will never come to cease itself, find a solution and leave me alone...If it did, life just would be easy and pleasurable. Unfortunately for me, that is not how my life evolves and passes through the time. Sometimes, I wish I did.

hahaha...maybe i have triumped?? yet?

when you can't sleep

ah, i hate it when I can't sleep. It's like a ticking clock, getting louder and louder by the second. It's inside my head and won't let me just keep to myself. The thoughts just gets darker by each tick, and its a really deep hole to get out of!
Then you can't get off the bed in the morning, because you haven't slept all night like regular normal people. and then your whole day goes down the drain.

...

and sometimes you start the day at the wrong foot but its okay we all have those days, things eventually work themselves out.

But it keeps you guessing what makes these subtle and little changes as time passes away, the moon rises and sets as we sleep away, and the new day begins, we awake with new feelings.

:D

and this is another lesson to keep your mouth shut :D because it only takes a second to shatter the pieces but takes a long time to put them together.

But I am glad today was lived...and another to prove me how my gut feeling is right.

Dort Dortluk

So, bazen hersey dort dortluk olmuyor ama galiba bu hayatin kendi dogasinda olan birsey. Herseyi her zaman ayni anda cok muthis bir sekilde goturebilmek hem insanlar icin yorucu birsey olsa gerek, hemde kotu gunleri hatirlatmak icin ve elindekilerin anlamini anlayip degerini bilebilmek icin bazi seylerinde zor olup, seni zorlamasi gerek galiba.

Yoruyor hayat bizi..hepimizi. Afganistandaki kucuk, tek basina olan kizdan, Asyada pirinc tarlarinda calisip acligini anca dindirebilen aileler, ve dahada gelismis olan ama dunyadan kopuk bir sekilde yasiyan insanlara kadar, herkesin birer yuku var hepimizi yoran zamanlar, saatler olu veriyor. Hamurumuzu yoguyor ayni andada.

Ama, bugun bana Allah'tan bir hediyeydi...acikca, o kadar barizdiki. Dusunupte mutlu olmamak, vede icinin kipir kipir olmamasi imkansiz. Sukretmemekte imkansiz.

Bazen kucuk seyler, mesela sevdigin insan icin yemek yapip, karsilikli oturup yemek, arkasindan bir iki birseyler izlemek, dunyadaki en has, en guzel, ve en saf mutluluk olup, icini isitabiliyor, her ne kadar hayatindaki diger seyler karanligin ortasinda ve seni zivanadan cikariyor bile olsa.

:D

and life can have rather amazing and horrible results at the same time. It's difficult to keep multi tasking for a long time in real life, not like kitchen and home work ... unfortunately. As good things pile up, so do the bad things, and I guess it's a part of life..a learning experience
but most of all what I fear the most is the currency of life...how quickly it passes by

Buyuk bir Okyanus

Hayat akisi belli olmayan koca bir okyanus gibi. Nerden geldigi, nereye gitti belli olmayan. Sabahin ilk isiklariyla beraber uslanan okyanus, gunun ortasinda feci bir firtinayla yureklere korkulari yerlestirirken, geci cikartabilme endishesi yavasca sokulur gonullere.

Ama o sure icinde ne zaman ne olacagi belli olmayan ve tekrar uzun, soguk, yagisli ve firtinali, korku, stress ve yanlizlikla dolmus bir gecenin sonunda gunes tekrar dogar, tekrar sular durulur vede insanin icindeki iyilik perisi ortaya cikabilir.

I struggle...and yet it's sometimes fruitless and futile. I wonder where this will end.
I hope it won't end up hurting me. This is one dream I wish that won't end.

Insomniac

I can't sleep once again. What a surprise? I really thing I've become an insomniac.All these things going through my head, and the wounds in my heart makes it near impossible to catch a good night's sleep. My chest is heavy, and it's an incredibly difficult task to be able to breathe. Harder than you think, at times like these. Nights are hard, days are harder. Just as I believed things were smoothing out, everything became unstable at once. I pass out towards dawn, then of course i wake up a few hours later. Throws me off.

Honestly, I loved how our relationship had become. Why did it crumble like this in a mili second, over nothing? My heart is wavering and it's shivering. I am so afraid that everything will be shattered. I want to protect and progress it continuously. Without an end. I want that heart of yours to warm my fragile and wounded soul once more. I want you to become close to me once again. I miss you. I really do. Right now, I need to see you, I need to hear your voice to calm down, to become myself again. For everything to be alright again. Please, don't let me slip by your fingers. Don't let your relationship have a bitter after taste. That's not how I want things. I want you to hold on to me, cling on to me with everything your whole being has got. You've become such a precious person to me. But you won't do that. Our relationship is one sided and I am an idiot for thinking things can be different. You just like to stand there, watch and judge people. No one is ever good enough and you're the mighty that walks on earth.
Please....I don't know how to fix things, but please let's do it. Why do I even bother? I keep asking myself the same question and I come blank...I love. I do love,but why? For whom? Appreciation matters to me, but forget appreciation, you won't even see me because you're so into yourself. It's always about you, it can never be about someone else.
I've come to realize I passionately, deeply, genuinely love you. Love you more than anyone else. Your whole being has changed a few strings within me, and I am okay with that. I want to be by your side.
I need to see you. I can't wait till tomorrow. Please, let us return the hands of time backwards, to those of the most satisfying, fulfilled, promising and eternally happy days without shadows. But regardless of how I feel and what I want, that doesn't matter because we'll never be okay. Because we've turned the sand glass and the little sand has begun to slip down. We're marching to our end, because I am broken inside and when I am wounded, nothing can console me--not that you're even acknowledging I could be hurt or even giving a second of worry or even an ounce of effort. I don't think I've felt this stupid ever before.

and, sometimes, it could take just a few minutes, and a few words that could shatter everything. Everything I've worked so hard for, can it go back up to what it used to be? I really wish so.
Hope still resides within me.

boom

and so i guess tonight was the night i blew up at the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
my incompetence should never justify my actions against my own mother who has always supported me and tried her best to get me to achieve my dreams. It's not her, but the essence of my own faults and mis-assumptions. *sigh* isn't this quite a bit bad. I've broken her heart. Which will be much harder to mend then other things.

Anlatmak istersin, anlatamazsin...bilemezsin kime anlaticagini.

Bir suru nedenin vardir ve bunu acik acik kendine bile soylemekten korkarsin.

Anlatmak istersin, anlatamazsin...bilemezsin kime anlaticagini.

Bir suru nedenin vardir ve bunu acik acik kendine bile soylemekten korkarsin.

Bir pazar gunu...

Gunluk gunesliyken, kendini bir karaligin ortasinda ve dahada derine batarken yakalirsin.
Halbuki, bir kac saat once icten gelen kahkahalarin, ve guluslerin evrini isittigini hissetmistin.

Hayallerin vardir, yada belli gunler icin hayal kurmussundur, ama o gun gelip cattiginda ise, planladiklarinin tam tersi olur, hayal kirikligina ugrarsin.
Kendini boslukta, sonu olmayan bir kavramin icinde tikili kalmis hissedersin. Haykirmak istersin, ama bunun neye yariyacagini bilmezsin. Aglamak istedigin icinde kendine kizarsin. Hislerini degistirmeye calistigindada bunun sadece bos caba oldugunu hissedip dahada kaybolursun o boslukta. Kuculur, kuculur ve ufacicik kalirsin. Taki, kendini tanimakta zorlasana kadar.

Lanetlersin boyle olusuna, yemin edersin bu gunlerin gecicegine, dua edersin yarinlar icin. Ama..hepsi nafiledir. O icindeki duygu coktan zaten curumus olan kalbinden hicte derin olmayan yuregine inip, satilmis, eski, ve kirli olan ruhunu esir alip kapkara olan cigerlerini sarmistir. Migdende dolasirken bulandirir, ogurken agzinda ise guclu bir eksi tat birakir. Burnuna mayhos bir koku gelir.

Elinden kacan gidenlerin farkina verirsin o engamenin ortasinda. Ve bugunun ipinin elinden kacirdigin icinde, yarin elinden kacicaklarin aklina gelir. Aksam, yatagina uzandiginda, kalbin sikisir, gozune uyku girmez. Neden girmez? Cunku, aklindan gecen bunlardir. Tekrar tekrar, taki ruhunu soyup, herkesin onunde ciril ciplak birakana kadar. Sansa bak dersin, nede cok egitmeye calismistim su ruhumu, nede cok cabalamistim saklicam diye ruhumu evrenden, dunyadan, bulutlarsan, insanlardan, senden, ondan, bundan, binalardan, toplumdan...herseyden...

Unutursun, unutmussundur, ve unutacaksindir. Insan oglu, mahkumdur dersin, mahkumsundur, ve boyun egersin. Kaderindir. Kim hatirlamis satir satirda, sen hatirlarsin...halbuki resim cekmeye baslamanin en buyuk nededinide bu degilmidir?

Anlayamazsin ne oldugunu, sesin yukselir, yuzun kizarir, ellerin terler, goz yaslarin senden habersiz birikip akar. Teker, teker, teker. Inci taneleri, veyahutta kar taneleri, yada yagmur damlaciklari gibi degillerdir. Neler oldugunu anlamazsin, ve bir kucuck bakistan yara alirsin. Belkide hakkin bile yoktur buna. Karsindaki, yaninda oldugu halde sen millerce otede, uzakta, yanliz hissedersin. Bir cift soz, herseyi alt ust etmeye yetmistir. Emistir, eder, ve edecektir. Doganin kurali. Tamdaki mukemmele yaklastim, yakinlastim, elimdeydi derken..mutluyum derken, kalbinin birer parcasi daha kirlir.

Onarabilirmisin? Onarmak mumkunmudur, bilemezsin ve bir yap bozun, bilinmezin tam ortasina atilirsin tekrardan. Tekrardan, tekrardan. Bunlarin cevaplarini bulabilmek icin yanarsin ama bekledigin cevap hic gelmez. Cunku geldigi anda, senden geri alinir ve bugune kadar bildigin herseyi sorguluyacak baska bir soru verilir sana.
Yorulursun, kolunu kanadini kaldiricak halin kalmaz. Bikarsin, bikmissindir.

Sadece gulumsemek istersin, kalbinin bir kismi agri icinde kaybolup gitmeden. Ruhun aci cekisiyor olmadan.
Dusunmekten korkup kendini dondurmaya gelmeden. Geceleri uyuyabilerekten.

"Finding My Elegy"

"Finding My Elegy"

I can't find you where I've been looking for you,
my elegy. There's all too many graveyards handy
these days, too many names to read through tears
on long black walls, too many bulldozed bonefilled ditches.
And all the animals to mourn, wiped off
the earth like mist wiped off a mirror, leaving one
face, reflection of itself alone,
image of its imagined image; nothing else,
no grief, no dirt, no dogs, no elegies.

That desert is no place for you. And so I looked
where death is birth and gods are animals
and being flows through being as from spring
river flows into river to the sea;
but what's to mourn, if life betakes itself into
another life? Better a rite of passage,
painful joyful celebration of the change,
warning and welcome to the soul returned
forgetful who it was, and we not knowing either,
seabird or child, salmon or fern or fawn.

And on the eightfold way, although compassion finds
itself at home, all the hard work of sorrow
dissolves to breathing in and out the lives let loose
from turning turning turning, gone nowhere
to do no harm at last, after the long despair.

So where to seek? I used to dream of climbing
high in the hills, those silent ridges red with dawn,
to find your sisters the Laments; but that's
a hero's journey. I am older than a hero
ever gets. My search must be a watch,
patiently sitting, looking out the open door.

Far off through shadow I can see a woman
who stands to speak a name. Though I can't hear her voice
across the ruins of the centuries,
I know how hard it was to speak, how her throat ached.
In Rome, beside the pyre or open grave,
they'd say the name aloud three times, and then be still.
A name is hard to say. Who'd read aloud
those names on that long wall, what woman born
could bear to know so many children dead?
Numbers are easier. The men of money say
numbers, not names. Grief's not their business.

But I think it may be mine, and if I have
a people any more, I will find them in tears.

My elegy, your clothes are out of fashion.
I see you walking past me on a country road
in a worn cloak. Your steps are slow, along
a way that grows obscure as it leads back and back.
In dusk some stars shine small and clear as tears
on a dark face that is not human. I will follow you.

Ursula K. Le Guin

I think I am insomniac now.
There is a discord within me, and my emotions are all disrupted. My thoughts seem to fall into ill every single second. I can't seem to be able to go to sleep at night. I either see nightmares, or weird dreams that throws me out of the loop. It keeps me pondering about the meaning of the dreams I see each and every day. I am unable to focus, and I can't seem to motivate myself enough. This feeling too is also rather familiar to me.

Even as I am writing this, most of the people on this side of the country are asleep. Exceptions never cease to exist. The man I love is also sound asleep. Yet, I am awake, my brain is unable to rest. My theory is that, that's why I keep seeing so many disoriented, distraught dreams.
I used to complain that I never stopped thinking, now I feel like I have achieved brain dead. I feel ordinary. How, I used to feel special and take pride in my analytical skills and my brain power. Honestly, I want those days back.

I am so confused. I had planned for a different path for myself. Ever since I can remember.

I've been reminiscent lately and pondering into the past, comparing myself of then and now. And each time it never ceases to amaze me how much I've grown up. Usually, under normal circumstances I would say this is a good thing. But, I guess I don't view it as positive as most would. I always said to myself, I am NOT going to end up this or that way. Now, I can only see myself fall further into that line. *sigh*
I hope things go back to their original ways soon. I don't think I like this side of me, or this kind of life too much. It doesn't suit me very well.

So, quite a few new changes and at the same time some dullness.
I've been quite reminiscent lately. Remember the past, my mistakes and the sources of my pride, also, my failures. Which always brings about a human being into the present and the future.
I feel as though I have lost a lot of hope and have become rather pessimistic. My future is rather unsure and I am not sure what awaits me in the next few years. I guess life is a mystery and it is better to live then to only contemplate and waste time planning without taking any action to reach towards one's goal.

Matter of position.

I wonder if things are back to normal today?
He did send me a poke through facebook, although no text or phone yet...*Sigh*
So he's the one at fault but now I am worrying. I hate it when sides transfers like that.

Rring Rring

Kim derdiki, bir telefon nelere mani olur.
Sesini duymak icin illa gobegimin orta yerinden catlamak zorundamiyim. Bu kadar sey soyledikten sonra, sesini duyabilirmiyim diye sordugumda insan evet diyebilirdi...veya o kadar aradiktan sonra text atana kadar geri direk aryabilirdi..veya msnden mesaj atana kadar ariyabilirdi...
Demekki aramak, ZOR

February 18, 2009

Today, is the first day in a while that I've felt this close
Today is the day he told me he loved me for the first time, out right, direct and without any other curtains.
Things are a little better now.
I do have this bitter feeling on the inside, but I am happy.
Things are looking out.
I am excited to see what follows

St. Valentine's Day

...I am not sure how a saint's day came to be a lover's day, much irony right there, I guess it pisses me off that there is so much consumerism in where its suppose to be mutual feelings of love, gratitude and warmth.

...um...
:)

.ah love, the unexplainable emotions of human creatures.

A quote

"Beware the barrenness of a busy life."
Socrates

Sunday morning

And coming to me is the hardest thing...
I have an incredibly long list of things to do, and yet I have not accomplished anything.
Yesterday night after hours were not so great either.
So hopefully, monday, the beginning of a new weeks and for me a new life. I'll be in my own apartment, and putting my life back into its tracks. ....
Things will be different from now on. Ill grab life by the horns again...and things will be different...
and Hopefully I'll reach peace and happiness too :)
But..it is a beautiful day outside, although its winter and cold there is a brilliant sun shine outside and my blood is boiling, although I am faced with a few disappointments. It will be good.
In an hour or so...I'll head out to buy a few supplies, and I'll be all set for tomorrows cleaning...

Thus, a new chapter in my life has opened.

Why can't I stop thinking

And I've came down to the same path. It's the same as always. I think this one's a dream that will never come true, regardless of how much I want it.
I wish, and from the bottom of my heart that he had kept this promise. I wish things went smoothly all the time and we were at the point hoped to be at, maybe even further.
I wish interaction had been connected when said.
My only conclusion is that thoughts and feelings are changed, which caused status to change, as a result promise broken, action not taken.
Ah..how I wonder and wish...
I really do hope before the flesh appears before me, I'll get the chance to, and that words will be spoken clearly even before that.

Wait Patiently

......................................................

Evil Sleep

And so, I have slept pretty much all day today exception of a few hours which I concluded some of my errands.
Rather a bold move for someone who has just moved out to live on her own and has a billion of things to do.

*Sigh* Well tomorrow, Shall be a good day where I shall get everything I needed to get done. :)

Happiness...this time around I feverishly hope that will last longer and continue to grow sincere.

Glitters of Hope

And once in a while, life shows small glitters of hope, a signal for a change for the better, a momentum which makes you feel, alive again.
You become all so familiar with the feelings of desperation, misery, pity, weakness, sadness, wallowing, and the feeling of being at the bottom of a dark, lonely well. Maybe, too well. You are no longer acquainted but rather familiars.
Heart memorizes the pain, your soul reckons that feeling, the loneliness is carved so deep into your mind, that darkness is burned into every single inch, cell of you.
So, when the moment of a bit of light occurs, its nearly impossible to not: question, grow suspicious, and even paranoid. Moments like these flee away, and anything and everything can possibly change this situation. But, you've held onto darkness for so long, it feels good to be out in the light again. You never want to lose it, you never want to be in that darkness, so you hopelessly cling on to the light with more desperation than you had in the darkness. More desperation to the point of going insane, madness, and helplessness.
But, life is rather cruel and we humans are pawns under the hand of the God. In the most unexpected moment, we fall to a never ending, bottomless dark pit once again to long for the light and for an opportunity to shine on us.
This time, I hope, my light shines brighter for a longer period of time..so I can remember how to smile once again.

I've seen small sparkles of hope, small glitters of dreams shine through again in this time of dark time.
Maybe..I can make out of this one too?
Wouldn't that be grand?

Day 1

Starting tomorrow, I have quite a bit of things to accomplish. First, I have to open up a bank account in here, secondly I have to pay my rent and my phone bill, slowly start shopping for my apartment and finally moving in.
Then actually well real work begins then.

Well, right now, I could say I am happy. Things have been pretty well since I came here. I am just hoping and feverishly praying that it continues like this and only gets better.

first step

First step of a new life maybe?

I wish I could of heard those words without these circumstances

sen

you're a loser
and i feel like i am wasting my time with you.
youll never understand
why do i even care

Is this it?

Is this fast, or slow?
I've been waiting for this day for a long time, maybe the last half of my life ever since I entered high school.

It's been so long, and now that it's here. I feel myself hesitating.
My dream, just came and knocked on my door, and now I am left with uneasy feelings. My own purpose is shaken, my belief a little shattered to speak honestly.

There are so many things going through my mind, and this is probably my one in a life time chance. This is it...and I have to take this opportunity and make miracles out of it as an output result. It's just like David Easton's "System's Equation" with the input such as demands, and public opinion, as input, output as policies, and in the feedback look, public opinion. Which can change depending on, no reply to input, negative reply, or a positive reply. My output however, must be significant to all those who have sacrificed quite a few things for my sake.

But I am still missing one thing, and there are things I will be leaving behind. Next fall, shall be my goal and achieve for even better...

I feel like from now on things will be getting better.

bad day...

My heart is heavy, beyond imagination.
My soul is sad, beyond my understanding.

I never wanted things to be this way. I feel like I am going to break into tiny sharp pieces, and with these last regrets, I will make a necklace to of malice, broken red strings for the rest of my life. And unfortunately, I see beauty even in that dark malice.

I wanted to leave happily, in a state where I feel as though I've grown, and with eyes that had hope glittered in them. My ever so good relations with my mother, are sour, and on the rocks.

There is this feeling inside that I cant escape.

I want things to change, I want things to be better.

Its broken, and when something is broken, I know better than anyone that its impossible to recover it the way it was before.

I wish, I wasn't leaving on these terms.

Sad, sad, sad, sadness.

My heart is heavy beyond imagination.

There is this weight right on my chest. Breathing is hard, and don't even imagine about happiness. (side note, personal, romantically it's a different story. Everything is more superb than I could of imagined)

There seems to be evil, darkness, and no way out of it. It's luring. Too luring maybe.
I can't get out of it.
Nothing really makes me happy, and I have this awkward feeling, and this bad taste in my mouth.

I hope things will end well

Today

Nothing really matters anymore.
Moving away doesn't hold any purposes or merits.
School seems more like a joke.
I feel the very essence of my soul has rotten to hell, and everything taken away from me.
I feel as though I stand before life, humanity and world, barren, naked, defeated with no purpose, neither a ray of hope.
My spirit sucked right out from my heart.
My dreams seem so distant now, once I held so dear and close, and admired about great dreams,...cold its cold.

Back then I used to believe I had everything. I believed I was lucky till my bone marrow, and nothing bad could ever happen to me, even if it did, I would manage some how without many scrapes.

Well, as you grow up, you learn and life brings you to order and brings you to your knees. Even though you manage to survive the bad things, you cant end up managing without scrapes. You only manage through deep, deep, wounds that has penetrated into your soul, filthy your memories you cant seem to cleanse yourself of.

My eyes shined bright and I dared to dream, and even so I was courageous enough to dream big. I believed in my soul, and I had faith in myself, that I was going to be able to accomplish it all and not let ever anything stand in my way. I had enough guts to say that I will never change, and I will never lose that brightness in my eyes. I was brave enough to say I will never get knocked down. I was stubborn and my will was iron. With that determination, I managed to knock alot of things out of my way, and continue to progress....Until it all caught up with me.

I used to believe I was special, I stood aside, and stood tall with that pride of mine.

Where has all of that gone now?

I feel like life robbed me all of them, and my ideals. This is the exact reason why, I no longer have a home.

maybe, someday, I can regain them?

...a little exploration

Why do I feel so sad, so unhappy, so hopeless, so melancholic today?
Today was a doom from the beginning.
What is this uneasy feeling since yesterday that I have carried around on my heart that relentlessly has haunted me to this very moment...and still continues to do so.

Right when everything was going good to an extent, these phobias, fears and paranoia mixed with sadness and worries creeping from?

I am unsure...Will I ever feel safe and secure?

Will I ever feel like I am at home? I want a place of my own, with my own rules, and to lead my own life in happiness and peace...
without these worrisome feelings


With you though, there is a definite place in you.

"I think I like you..." haha wow, I am losing it.

eckk

Now, why would you want to do something like this??
are you that desperate to hide from me?

An interesting sign

Why did I resist so hard yesterday night? Is this some sort of omen? I begged, I cried, and made a whole bunch of people, one in particular, special and dear to me cry, and well, go through a nervous breakdown. It's always like this. I guess, what's meant to happen will happen.

ya know..

Things that are great are great, but things that are not just doesn't seem to be getting better...the matter of the fact is that they aren't getting any better. And it no longer is my just imagination and being paranoid
Honestly, I am tired from all of this. If things are gonna happen, let them happen. I dont want to give them the battle of my life each time I want to do something. This is kind of...draining every amount of energy, hope, will, effort from my very own core.

Its one battle after another. It's just simple things. Things, can't ever go my way, even once. I don't like taking things for granted, but I don't want my life to be this difficult either. Once in a way, it'd be nice if things easily happened, without having to sacrifice so much. I want to be able to take a breath and end things quickly, without having to crush my dreams in every turn, for the simplest things.

I try every possible way, one after another, but ... I guess when things aren't meant to be, they aren't meant to be. So They don't work.

I keep saying to myself, this time around, I am not going to place my hopes, and I am not going to get excited...but of course that doesnt happen. So I am putting all of my hopes in this time around..if this doesnt work, I dont want to think about the dark path that is awaiting for me.

a little secret.

this is too hard. i am beginning to doubt my own reasons for this. I'm thinking of giving up now...
I don't want to put my family through this. I don't want to put myself through this. This wasn't why I wanted to go away, and this wasn't the circumstances I wanted to leave Rochester under in.
*sigh*.
I just wish for once things went easy in my life.
Its hard. Life is always hard. I always have dreams and goals, but I always fall short regardless of how hard I try. My fear is to become ordinary. But the harder I work, the harder it seems to achievable. I always get a small waft of my dream, the delusion that it seems like finally my hard work is paying off and slowly my dreams are being realized, it breaks apart, falls apart, with only my emotions to shatter even more.

I hate this. I just wish that this time it happens. I really need this...

Humans are such fickle and whimsical creatures. Although they have high expectations of after receiving a certain order of words, actions, and reactions that they will be happy...but unfortunately words and actions do not guarantee happiness and peace...
you wait and wait for it to happen and when on the rare occurrence of it actually realized, sometimes you just don't end up feeling the way you had expected... Petty isn't it?

It does make me question but it will be a good experience.