Is outraged, angered, jealous and mad beyond belief. I cannot express my feelings in a mere words. Even if I were able to accomplish expressing myself in words, I am not sure I would like the outcome of it. Even if I was successful in putting my emotions into words, I am not sure if I want to admit to them. I am not sure I want to realize some of the truth in my life. I am not sure I want to take responsibility for my own mistakes, and I do not want to endure the consequences.
My gut tells me that there is more to him and her, and I try to hard to turn the blind eye, yet all I can do is search and try to look for answers that will either send me to my doom along with our doom, or will eventually satisfy my own ego and pride. I don't know why and how things turned out this way, or how even it got to this point. Of all people, her ...why the hell? I wouldn't of ever considered even a mere female. She was less than that. Is that the idea that bugs me, and makes my skin crawl?--Even so, I am still afraid of learning the truth about how they got together, what they lived, how and why they broke up, and why they still continue communication...It puzzles me. The idea of anybody else, frightens me to no end.
I know I was blinded and somehow fear disabled me for action, thus leading me today. Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of already being late, and which inevitable led to a later late, which possibly can't be returned now. I feel like I am lost at an eternal tunnel, well, ditch, darkness that will never lead to a light, and even if it did the consequences and the journey there is going to be rather more than ultra difficult. I don't know if I can hold on and can endure it. But why did things have to end up this way when I was on the rise? Was it another demonstration that God can just pull it right under your feet, or that you can lose control so easily if you are distracted for a second...I fear the future of myself and humanity.
What am I to do, how am I to answer, and how am to live? -- All these questions shall be answered within short period of time, probably very painstakingly and very unfortunate for me at the end..on my own. I've jumped to the deep end on my own, without anyone's pushing. Yet seeing those pictures have angered me so much, made me feel so less. I've got to get over this, put the saddle back on my horse and get back on it...possibly right away. The bigger question remains, how will I do all of that? Do I have the courage and the strength to pull it out? Or will I end up crying and blaming myself and the world for all the mistakes that I have made, or made to choose? Of course it evolves and branches off to so many other questions, theories and other responses that will never come to cease itself, find a solution and leave me alone...If it did, life just would be easy and pleasurable. Unfortunately for me, that is not how my life evolves and passes through the time. Sometimes, I wish I did.
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