Continuum

Sometimes life turns upside down and with it everything that you associate and attach yourself with.
I miss school, I dearly do, but I don't know what I want to do. I am not sure if I want to go back.
I hurt all over, and I am beyond confused.
Then on nights like these, where I can't sleep and my mind just runs over questions a billion miles an hour with rarely any answers, its hard not to fall into despair. Even if it's briefly. It's so hard to resist with so little going on.
Sure, I am on an intellectual surge where I read two books a week, and I write like a mad woman with a publishing deal. I wake up and I write, I am getting ready to go to bed and I write, I write in the middle of the day, I write paragraphs, I write stanzas, I write pages and pages of stories without a break like it's no body's business.
But, among all of this there is or are, something, somethings missing. I am not quite happy, I am no quite convinced, I am not quite satisfied, I am not quite up to par.
My mind is literally like a whirlpool.
Then, I am so afraid of you losing interest, of you thinking this is going to become something ordinary and that things will end worse.
I am beyond afraid of losing you, I am devastated by the suggestion alone, of having my heart broken again.
Somehow, I want things to work.
Just like how it was at the very beginning of this second round, I want you to be interested in my writing again, look for it, search for it, be in interest, and read and discuss it with me!
I don't want to walk down that path again.

Now, maybe a cold shower will help me with all of these feelings.