Wedding Preps

And, I cannot believe how difficult it is to find out what you need, and how to contact judges, where to find them for a legal ceremony. And also, do you know the rates of getting married in Madison, WI? It's 120 dollars to apply for a marriage license. It's about 120 to give to judge. There is no way people who are just trying to save money on a ceremony will do this. Why is it so expensive to get married in Madison?

Also, why is it so difficult for the people at the front desk to be nice and smile and be courteous?

Item Number Three

This brings me to agenda number three. My immediate need for some medical intervention. The longer it is becoming invasive, less tolerable and even a bigger destruction on my soul that it is already.

Item Number Two

With that, this brings me to our number two and its many sidesteps. So in order to be under S's health care insurance, we will need to be legally married. We are now in the gathering process and I plan to do something very small, very simple, i.e. getting married at the judge's chambers and go out for drinks. Nothing special, nothing white, no flowers and nothing like that.

I am looking forward to legally and spiritually combining our lives into one. We will be a real family now. Just you and me, babe.

Item One

Signing a lease and arranging moving related issues was our number one time. While this is not solved, it is definitely on its way to be solved. Even if we don't get into Quisling, we'll move into somewhere else, and we will live somewhere. We've seen a few apartments today and will turn in applications to a few places. So eventually, we will move somewhere. Other moving arrangements are easier to solve when we actually know when we will be doing the moving. Until then, step two and threes of item one are on hold.

Since having a health insurance in U.S. is of extreme importance and considering the fact that I have several, legitimate, concerning health issues to deal with, we've come to the decision that it's best S takes me under his health insurance policy. We looked into how we can do this, is via domestic partnership, which needs far too much evidence and secondly via marriage/children born into a person. And this works out perfectly, because we decided that it was time to do our legal marriage. And since we are already engaged and will be getting married sometime, we decided to move the date up. It will be much easier this way. The wedding will be on August 2014 (and in Turkey) and although it is a long time until then, we will need to start S's paper works anyhow, so we will need to be married earlier than our wedding date. Our legal ceremony will be much earlier than planned, that's all. I am actually kind of happy about that. Also it will be much smaller.

Quisling Terrace

Our apartment being demolished and all, every last one of the tenants has to move out by August 15th. It's great if you had originally planned to move out in August and had done your research according to the lease signing dateline that we have in Madison, WI. However, if you were planning to live another year in the current apartment you have been leasing, tough luck, you're officially screwed. So we begun our research into the apartment hunting for our upcoming and pending doom and gloom. Our initial research was less than satisfactory. It was bizarre and disappointing to say the least.

Then we came across Quisling Terrace, a place for low income families, though only in the name. And while we were happy and excited until we were stone walled. The application process is incredibly insane, detail oriented, evidence proof based, and bureaucratically slow. It's almost not worth it.

Update on Moving

We've seen loads of apartments online, we've contacted tens of landlords, office managers and seen a dozen of apartments. It's frustrating and demeaning. Places that are cheap are in horrible condition. They truly don't care. Everybody has to live somewhere right? Or the decent places are inexcusably expensive.How do they think they can get away with this is a ridiculous question--because they do get away with it.

We have turned in our applications to a few places and are waiting to hear back from them. I am hoping for the best. I would love to know if we're moving out anywhere at all in August. The time window is closing and there are less and less apartments everyday.

1 Year Anniversary

Today is our 1 year anniversary. A whole year since the first day we met, began talking to each other, confessed our feelings to one another, made the decision to try this out, moved in, went through Ramadan, Muharrem, birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentines and eventually arriving at today.

It's interesting to note the fluidity of time, where at first it stalled, stagnated and then flied out the window and a whole year found itself completed and has made us both feel warm, awed and that we've been with one another for a life time.

It feels like we've always been together and that, we've opened our eyes to the world, with one another, as if no other person existed, and there were no interferences and in this world, there is just you and me.

Never had I loved anyone so much, with all of my soul to the last drop of it, and never had I been loved so much, with all of his beliefs, passion and being.

I could never be without you, for you are my world.

Still Cooking

And after all of this time and still being depressed, I am proud of myself for not giving up on cooking. I continue to cook for each meal (even if it's in batches and prepared ahead). It makes me feel like I am doing something with my time, with my day. There is some sort of paradox of progress that is comforting to me. This isn't necessarily what I am hoping to achieve, but daily activities like this, will eventually pull me out enough to have the inclination to catch up at the least.

I am enjoying cooking more than ever and I even feel venturous enough to do exotic dishes, I've never done before.

Feeling better, one meal at a time.

More Boxes

It's been nearly a month that I've started boxing things. It's been therapeutic to me. After a long day, or a bad one perhaps, the best thing I felt to do was to box things away. It's like a piece of my soul, connected to boxing was being cleansed away, slowly. I feel better afterwards. It's like talking to a stranger about your problems. All of the venting, the anger and the steam is just let off, easily, without great consequences to you.

Boxes have begun piling up and S is not happy about it. But it makes me feel better. Slowly, we're moving. There is some sort of physical evidence that this all will be coming to an end, I will eventually get better and we will be out of here. There will be an end to all of this.

Good Student

All through elementary, middle and high school, eventually my first two years of college, I was what you called the bright, but bad student. I was bright, my teachers knew it, my parents knew it, my friends knew it, my classmates knew it, and worst of all, I knew it. This made me less inclined to do homework (because, I didn't need to do the homework to understand the material) and I had a horrible attendance record. And because I didn't keep myself engaged in the class, I was less likely to attend class, less likely to care about the class and the material. Because of that, I missed important due dates, exams and sometimes failed solely due to the fact that I just didn't attend the class enough times.

Understanding the material and engaging in what I learned wasn't the problem. After two years of terrible grades, it was time that I lost my financial aid and began to understand the importance of attending classes and being a good student. As evidently, being bright didn't get you to pass your classes. People didn't let you graduate because you were bright. Rightly so. Evidently, I learned the hard way to be a good student. To be organized, to do the assignments well before the day before the due date, turn them in on time and at least review for the exams. I developed good skills after those two years. I was able to organize very well in time I found out. I was great at time management and getting the best out of my day, especially if I also had to do 40 hour weeks and all of my classes were squished into one day. I was great at studying ahead so that I always had enough time to do my assignments. These skills I learned are great skills that has carried over to my personal and writing life.

I am grateful for them, however until I experienced those two years, it would have been impossible for me to learn these valuable lessons, I now never forget.

A Backward Glance

Due to financial reasons, I won't be able to sign up to any classes, but come fall, I have my eye on some computer  and math related courses.

It's unfortunate that we currently don't have the financial means, but at least I know where to start and a few years ago, I wouldn't have been so brave enough to venture out and find out all of this information. It's saddening to remember the past sometimes. I can't believe I left everything to come here. This is not to say that I regret my decision. I don't. I did back in the beginning, before I had the chance to plan roots, bud and bloom here. Before I had the ability to go out there, spread my wings, enjoy the city and become independent once again. This was long before, I had to learn on my own to get done what I needed to do and how to access my own rights. A time, where I was a much different person. More timid outwardly, more angry on the inside, more sentimental, more clingy. I guess I just hadn't gotten to the desperate part yet.

It's hurtful to say this, but there are times where our own selves, personalities and the people who we really are influences by others around us, those we choose to create close bonds with. It effects the way we view ourselves, how we come to value our inner world and the way we begin to assess ourselves in the big scheme of things. I had to learn a valuable lesson in my past relationship to be who I am today. I've learned a lot from him. Let's not get confused here though. It's not because he taught me anything. If he even suspects that he has taught me anything now, he would be bewildered. I basically allowed someone to make me miserable and mistreat me for three whole years. I allowed him to devalue me, and make me feel like I could never accomplish anything. It's hard to admit, but he pushed me so far into depression that, crying was what I did, without taking a step to the outside world.

A few years ago, I wouldn't have done anything to change my circumstances or try my hardest to get my hands on a few pieces of information on how to change what I was going through. I had no idea that I had to work hard for my dreams to come true, that they didn't just happen on their own. I realized this then, that I had to make things happen, at least try, other wise, they were not happening.

Madison College

On the topic of schools, I am going to continue writing about my school experiences so far, as they come up.

Madison College seems to be equivalent of MCC back in Rochester. It's a little disappointing to see myself in a starting point again, but we all have setbacks in life and many of us have to keep starting over in life. It's part of the living cycle. People change careers in which they have given their years, I can surely go back to the beginning of the circle,without having given so much, yet. This time though, things are different. I am more determined and because I am older, I no longer have the time to take things slowly. I am far more serious because failure cannot be tolerated anymore and I just don't have the time to do things later, or for a second time. I also have learned to be a much better student. I've come to appreciate what it means to have a degree and be in a prestigious school and the doors in can open for you. I've also understood the importance of a good education. Now, I am thirsty for knowledge. The only way to thoroughly satisfy that is through school, I know that now. So, I am here, ready.

Their website is a bit unprofessional and confusing. But it looks like they have some great classes and some great programs. I love the fact that they offer continuing education classes for so cheap, and they also have some wonderful certificate programs that would be beneficial to so many people. This will allow me to catch up, and allow me to take the SATs well in advance which will help me as I definitely need a refresher in math.

This school adventure is going to be great. I am hopeful.

Next Step

Now that I know what to do about it, I came home with loads of information. I've decided to start with some UW Mini Courses. I've registered for Fiction Writing and E publishing, since I want to eventually become a writer, after having a career to look after myself and home. So, job first.

But, writing is a craft that is so delicate and needs so much work. I've also decided to take my writing seriously. In order to show that I am serious about it, I now have to spend some money. I am excited. This will eventually make me write again. Although I've gotten to the reading part (even if irregular), I am still far from writing. Everything is so raw.

Registering is done.I just need to wait until July. This should be very exciting.

Transfer Admissions

Transfer Admissions wasn't that difficult to find out, considering that I passed by it, nearly on a everyday basis.

Hopeful is all I can search for at this point. Hopeful and looking forward to it. But it's not going to be easy. I definitely have to go back to a smaller school, build up my grades, take the SATs and the ACT again, find out some wonderful people to write me recommendations for. I have to at least spend a year or two at a small college like Madison College, but it will be worth it. Hopefully, that can minimize my credits at UW. Hopefully I can get a scholarship.

The tunnel is long, and even if tiny, barely there, iridescent, there is a light at the end. At the moment, this is all I can hold on to. That tiny light which binds my future and my well being at the moment. So be it. I'll go to mini courses, then take courses at Madison College (formerly known as MATC) and eventually, get into UW, obviously after taking the SATs and the ACT. I am willing to put the work in. It's great to see some enthusiasm within myself.

UW, wait for me!

Continuing Education Department

Well, it's great to have done something, even though it has cost me all day. Finding out where I could get information, finding out Continuing Education Department, where it was, and finally getting there, waiting there, and eventually being able to speak to counselor. Although I am considered a Returning Adult Student who is eligible for special kinds of scholarships and loans (which made my day as you can guess) I still have to apply as a Transfer. I have to go through regular Undergraduate Admissions process. However, it is great to see that I can still be accepted and knowing where to begin is a great relief. Also to know that they will be much laxer with me than with a regular entering Freshman.

So, therefore, I was transferred over to the Transfer Admissions, where I shall try to get an appointment at. Let's see what that holds for me.

School Continues

S and I had a long talk about school. It is a must for us. Future is too uncertain and I need the stability of knowing I am trained for one set of skills which will allow me to apply for a job in a certain field. That would narrow a lot down. We would have to save quite a bit and raise our credit scores before I can actually attend school, however, since he is all the way behind this, 100% I feel like I have a chance. So, I've made an appointment with the Continuing Education department of UW to see where I stand. This will probably end up in a wild goose chase, but no fight, no gain and I have to start somewhere. It's not like people are going to roll out a red, velvet carpet in front of me, leading me to the doors of UW-Madison.

School

I've been thinking about school lately. How far I've come from that goal in the years that has brought me here. It was the second biggest purpose of my moving out here, all alone, without my family. Perhaps, it should have been number one. If I ever end up having children, this is one thing I'll tell them honestly, thoroughly, so they can make a better decision for themselves. Education is so important. I keep coming back to this point, because although school doesn't teach you everything (and it can't. There is a purpose to school and if you're a good student, you can take so much more from the classes you are attending, then what they can solely give you off the books) but it can give you enough information to make informed choices, learn of ways to get to information and can equip you with a resume builder items that will allow you to have a job. Someone like me, has no choice but to work at places like restaurants, coffee shops. If I am lucky, and push hard enough, perhaps a secretary of sorts. But, how long will that last me before I grow bored and want a change of environment, a better paying job with less physical labor? Not very long. How much money can I make off of it that will allow me to take vacations in the summer, attend writing workshops?

I can't do what I want to do with minimum wage jobs (and not because they're demeaning, because they pay too low, much lower then what they should be paying). I want to have a good career where I feel like I am making a change. Where my skills can make a difference. I want to feel actively engaging in a part of world that is getting better. In order to do all of this, I need to get an education. But it's been so long since the last time I attended school that I just don't know how to go back, where to start and how to obtain all of that information. I feel stuck. Because I feel stuck, I won't get that information and because I don't have that information, I can't make changes.

Perhaps starting with UW mini courses, perhaps on fiction. I've got to start somewhere and maybe along the way, I'll obtain the information I desperately need.

Besides, I feel like school is the place where I shine the most. I have learned (through high cost) what it means to be a good student and it has now become a good part of who I am. I can be a great student, if only, given the chance.

Cooking Again

As a background, until I moved to Madison, I only knew how to make omelets, and that's about it. But after moving out here, starving and having digestive problems, it was time to take matters into my own hand. So I began cooking with some great and not so great success rate. Eventually though, I got much better and came to be known as the best cook around. So cooking is something that is emotional to me. I cook better when I am happier. You can find me singing as I cook usually. If it starts becoming a chore and I am not doing well emotionally, it can have the power to make me feel better. But, if I am down beyond repair, I give it up. I feel like it's directly linked to my will of living.

Cooking, however has strong emotional strings for me. It has the power to remind me of my horrid days which I created a situation for myself to come over my own obstacles. Because of that, I feel like I am slowly getting better.

If I am willing enough to cook, care enough to supply S with something, perhaps there is hope for me still.

Reading Again.

One day at a time. I've started reading again. It really isn't anything great. It's just online reading of good, reputable news services and studies. But at this point, I'll take anything my mind is willing to let me have.

Sometimes, showing enough care about the world outside of my own head seems to be the best thing I can do for myself. If I can take one step outside of myself, to see what is going on, I'll see I am not in the worst of circumstances, choices, situations. If I can see there is some sort of hope that can come by trying. If I can manage to create a relationship, a bond, some sort of contact with the outside world that I can reach for, maybe I'll feel alive and part of the world again. Perhaps then, I can care enough to do the things I'm supposed to be doing.

No More Moving Blues

Now that it has been decided for us that we must move out, it's been a relief. It was not what we were planning, but it's now our reality. Now that it is, it's actually slowly getting me excited. Excited, because I can leave this place with all kinds of history, past behind. A history that doesn't belong to me. S and I can start a new, leaving our old fights behinds, the issues that has been bothering us, and we can begin a new life at our new apartment, together. A union of solidarity and cohesiveness. It means I can also do both a physical and a mental clean-up. Get rid of old stuff, begin a new and start feeling better myself.

To be boxing stuff to give away, to throw out and to bring with us to our new apartment is relaxing. A little bit of the old is getting aired, tosses away, and by removing the old, it's giving me the space to breathe and embrace anew.

Maybe, moving is no longer a bad thing.

Hundred Years Old

Things lay heavy on my chest at night. I have so many regrets about that Skype call that it's ridiculous now. We can't go back into the future, so I have to accept and come to peace with it. It has given me some closure and allowed me to gain some momentum and continue acting. At this point, this is all I can be asking of myself.

I feel a hundred years old. I know that in the modern world, this is our aim, to live to our hundred. But is it really worth it? Is this a noble goal? Does living better mean that you've had a better life? Does it make you different somehow on a more intuitive level?

Living to 100 doesn't seem like something I am achieving. It's just more opportunities for the life to abuse your misfortunes, people to highlight your failures and bruise your heart further. It just doesn't seem to be something fruitful to me.

Review

Currently, we're at the stage that some action is better than no action. I am still severely depressed, my mind is bogged down with so many questions that nights are rather uncomfortable when it's time to sleep. My mind can't put these questions to sleep, they can't be answered and because I am hesitant to take action, feeling cornered that any step I take, whether backwards or forward, I will have the floor crumbling beneath, I've been holding my breath and that seems to be the strategy I am going for, at the moment at least.

Because of that, I can't actually feel any better, lighter or coax myself into believing that our situation has improved. It hasn't. I still need a job, we need to discuss a number of things that all happen to be large umbrellas that contain a number of sub-genres with divisions. But, there is some action, which is better than none, even if it's getting back into cooking again. Sometimes, you have to start slowly and count the things you can do as gifts of the day. Other wise it's way too easy to come down and be pressed to death with all the things that just aren't and will not be happening, like going back into past.

Disullusionment of exhaustion

I am just so tired of this. Will it ever end? My eyes are red from crying and my shoulders feel heavy. I feel like shit and I am absolutely exhausted. I want to sleep for the next 100 years. It's the same premises, same gut wrenching, foul feeling, that grabs a hold of my stomach, engorges its sharp teeth into my flesh and keeps gnawing away at it like a starved monster that slowly turns me into a vampire that sucks away my own soul, but also his, slowly depraving him of oxygen, happiness and instead propels him into shame, guilt, overburdening of the past at an overwhelming precedent.

The argument stays the same, the words are the same and the tears are mine, the knowledge of the poisonous apple tree, and his exceedingly heavy shoulders that no longer can carry my wounds of pride, hurt of love and the diminished trust.

The ends of my hair strands hurt and life, this relationship, success of any relationship, the distance two people travel seem and feel dismal at best with pessimistic lighting to highlight the inevitability, veiled with instabilities and the gross nature of relationships that remain, twisted, ugly and transforming.

My eyes feel heavy and the hot tears that I've been continually shedding since last August has not come anywhere near a stopping sign. I fear for the future where tension will continue to build up as I know of my self where I won't be able to get over it and this issue will continue to be brought up to the surface over and over again, without getting exhausted of the repetitious cycle of the ugly beast's nature.

Why couldn't this stay as pure and innocent as I had conjured this up in mind as the initial moment.

The Day After the End

I probably shouldn't feeling this way, let alone write about it, but I have no other option and I just have roll this block of weight off my back. I don't want to ease it out, I want to let out the bulk so I can do the detailed work that takes time.

Yesterday was the end of my personally tailored to my disgust, hell. It's been over, finished and the book is now closed, for eternity. I slept so much better, with a lot off my mind, and with good dreams. Things are getting crossed off that check list. I am one step closer to returning to normal life and chase after things that I really should be chasing after. Resuming this pause is going to be one of the biggest rewards of my life. That list of things to do that has been piling up since February...it's the perfect time and opportunity to get them done. Spring is nearly here, at the very least it's April. It's the time for fresh new beginnings, to awaken, to grow and to be greener than ever before. To be hopeful and labor through the fruits of a long sleep under the snow.

Is it so awful that I feel so much better now? Resolutions make me happy.

The End

Thankfully, today has gone over and ended. This is it and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Confrontations aren't something I like to engage in a daily activity. I like to live my day, as it is my first and last, to the fullest, chasing after my own fulfillment and responsibilities. Under normal circumstances, my ideal day goes along the lines of something like this. Waking up around 5, going out for a job or yoga, coming home for a quick shower and a hearty breakfast and being at school/work for the whole day. Coming back home afterwards for a change of clothes, perhaps take a continuing study course, or participate in a research, write, or focus on one of those pesky, never ending individual growth goals. Meet with a friend, friends, a group, spend some time in a bookstore are also good alternatives. Discovering a new place, (indoor, outdoor) or visiting something engrossing are also things I strive for. Some sort of event that would stimulate me are always, I do mean, ALWAYS are welcome. Dinner at about this time in the evening sounds like a good idea. I'd also like to sit down after dishes with a glass of brewed tea, meeting on the couch with S, watching one movie over the other on Netflix or perhaps reading while he'll lay on way end and I'll snuggle up at the other end, until it's time to go to bed and start all over again. Quit, unimpressive, but peaceful, happy and fulfilling. See, I am usually more after the things I have to do so that I can do what I want. That is to read, write and spend time with S, doing various activities. However, don't let this fool you. If the occasion calls for it, I will rise to the challenged, meet it and confront the required thing head and have no qualms, shame about it. This was something that has been coming for a long time.

As this journey has finally arrived at its final destination, S and I have learned so much during this process. While everything thrown at us was directed to separate and tear us apart in a volatile manner, we instead have grown to know our soft spots, see one another at the most vulnerability it created in one person and the two of us in an involved, committed relationship through taxing nights long, that involved crying, screaming, crying again, begging, apologies and frustration at our frail humanity:the things and people we could not let go and the things we would sacrifice to pacify the hole we created in the most important person of our lives. To right the wrong we created by our careless actions and inability to comfortable, tightly shut the door and lid of the past. Due to these what I describe as some of the most emotionally catastrophic events of my entire life we've thoroughly been able to see one another at our highest, lowest, and in all sorts of bad lightening, shadows and dents, with all of our creases, flat surfaces and wrinkles embedded not only on our physical bodies, but of our memories, our fluid time table, soul and ever growing hearts.

The past came naked through our front doors and have stayed until we have gotten familiar, intimate and sexual with it. It came and it stayed with us from about July of 2012 to currently.  Though I can't say that we've quite kicked out of the house for good, it is at least in the hallway, slowly taking the steps to be out of here...soon. We've been outraged, angered, hurt, wounded and had our moralities, principals and ethics questioned, over and over again. Recount, retell, reexplain to me, trying to make sense of something of long ago, that never made any sense to begin with. How could it?  It was something of a young, foolish person, who acted on impulse, what was available, rather than thinking, making the mistake of youthful courage, bravery and lack of morality developed in the middle of an awakened sexuality that is evolving (slowly, but surely) that isn't anywhere near its maturity yet. 

One leaned on it more than it should and the other bent, as much as it could, trying mighty heart not to break. Then the roles switched. Information can be a dangerous thing. Once you find something, the truth, you can never unlearn it and pretend it's not there, avoid eye contact with me and ignore its existence. Perhaps you could, I am sure there are those that does it. At least, it's not in my nature. Perhaps it's my quizzical, questionnaire, paranoid, suspicious, worrying, curious nature that years to learn and to find all the pieces fit perfectly until the picture is created in my mind and I can press the play, pause, rewind and forward button without consequences of missing information or skipping on footage. Perhaps, it's the writer in me that believes everyone has a story, everything in this world is a story and that stories, whether in order or a flow of any sensible direction or not, has to make sense and have some sort of a beginning, progress and an end. Not so clear cut, but the best terms I could explain is this way. Though I suppose, it doesn't help much. Since none of it added up, in anyway of any sort, digging continued until even less made sense and the world underneath my feet were erased in less than the blink of an eye.

We've found through the most lasting way, in demonstration, through tacitly and tenacity, by experience. We found out that certain things in our relationship were to be never broken, always remaining sacred, and boundaries to never cross. There were things to never take granted for, because they could be gone, if the wrong set of steps were followed. We are both fragile and that relationships, require a lot of nurturing, efforts and love, with patience and honesty. We both have to provide it. It doesn't happen with one of the partners following and the other not following in suit.

We found out how stubborn the other one is. We found out the pride, honor, morality, ethics and the shades we put on when we view and analyze the society and how and when individuals engage in sexual, romantic and committed romantic relationships. Our expectations of ourselves, of each other and of our relationship.

We also found out that being able to walk away from the other is not impossible, but improbable. We were both willing to make things work and slowly heal the other, over time, even though it hurt us to stay or went against things we originally believed in. We've found ways to be more grown up and mature.

We demonstrated how much we loved one another and the things we were willing to do.

We've hung on tight, no matter how rocky the turbulance got, we held on tighter and slowly moved through this mine filled land, together. That is far more than what anything and anyone could have given us. We could not have learned these lessons even if we were to plan such lessons to learn. Only in time, under certain circumstances.

Of course I would choose to learn these lessons without so much agony, but I am glad we had found so much of one another in this experience.

The rest, is unnecessary to mention, considering now, everything stands to end and the rest is time we need, we will devote and grant to the other to completely close the lid on this overhyped story that is bound to be nothing more than a big mistake which respective parties (S and I) regret so much that we will dream it to nonexistence.

Apartment Research

Well, the research for our next apartment is on its way. It has officially begun and we've started with an intense online campaign. It looks like we're incredibly unfortunate, because there just doesn't seem to be so many options left. Everything is either very beautiful, very detailed, with no utilities included except water (which is required by law) and extremely expensive. Do they get that this is Madison and heat is something mere students on a T.A. salary just cannot afford? I guess I just answered my question. A) They simply don't care. B) People make a way of paying their utilities C) Their target audience are not mere students. After all, not everyone who lives in downtown is a student.

Not very promising today. Maybe, we'll have better luck tomorrow.

Feeling Stifled.

It's a little discouraging to have to be moving out, not because of the choice we made. In fact, that's quite the contrary. We had decided that it was better if we just stayed here for now, we'd spare us the expense required of moving; deposits, first month's rent, u-haul, pizza for helpers, new furniture or things needed with a new apartment that you didn't need in your previous apartment. With the wedding coming up, and me not working and being severely desperate, it's better if we just lived within our own means. Besides, do you know of the renting fares in downtown Madison? It's outrageous. They're tiny, crumbling, crappy apartments that charge you 850 a month, simply because they know that some of the students will make it, because they prefer the convenience of living in downtown, where there is a bus ever five minutes, everything, including the grocery, classes and bars are within walking distance. So, even if you don't rent it, somebody else will.

Scheming landlords.

So, this upcoming August, with everyone else we'll be homeless for a night on August until we can take over the keys for our new apartment. Usually, I would love looking at new apartments, but I am just not in the mood.It feels like too much work, though I guess we can't move on, until we get this over with.

All of this hassle, because our landlord decided that breaking down this apartment complex will bring him in a bigger, better and faster cash flow. Erecting new, modern building is the dream many citizens have. But I like Madison as it is. With it's old buildings, the charming rustic designs that makes you feel apart of the city. Madison always gave me a feeling of stability, understanding and order in this chaotic feeling. Now, one more building is going to be demolished and one more mid rise in the city, as if we actually needed that.

Moving Out?

Hahaha, this is just great. It never ends with this place. Not are we placed centrally so conveniently and significantly in downtown and have access to anywhere and everything, we're also at the heart of college home parties and near by clubs and bars where we get a lot of traffic, noise and often the sounds of a police, ambulance and fire truck sirens. The maintenance is poor at best and negligence is the norm around here. I know it's March and that I am supposed to suck things up, but we were freezing in our apartments the whole winter. It was never warm at our apartment and the heaters were barely on. I don't know how he gets away with this.

In addition to crappy management, inability to find anyone, at anytime at the rental office is frustrating. But to have this in addition to everything, feels like a sick, gruesome joke. It's Madison people. You can't just post a notice of demolishing of the building currently one hundred per cent occupied at the beginning of April, where the new leases are signed by November! I mean how will we move anywhere? There will be a limited pool of available and even a smaller pool of available and affordable apartments in downtown Madison. This is despicable.

It looks like we'll be moving out, regardless of it all and we'll have to go through the whole find a new place, pack, move, unpack, change address in everything process, without our consent and will. How wonderful.

Happy April Fool's

Happy April Fool's Day.

I still wish that New Year began in an April Day rather than in the dead of the winter, with freezing cold and a drying heart.