About That Writing

I keep wanting to get up and write. I want to write badly and at the same time, interestingly enough, writing down a line seems like far too difficult, heart wrenching activity that I just can't seem to be wiling to put myself through it. Blogging is the only thing I can seem to manage through and that's just sad. There are so many writing exercises that awaiting to be done, books to be read and stories inspired by those stories waiting to be just written. The poetry journal is begging me, those egging feelings are just ripe for you to splash them against the white, ruled pages.

But, I just can't get myself to write. It's like I've thrown everything writing related in a black box and have put it away for now. Holding a pen feels so foreign. I think there is officially something wrong with me.

There are so many dangerous emotions and thoughts that I had to silence, I think I am afraid that once I start to pen them down, that will be the end of it and I just won't be able to function as the rest of society.

Rest Your Body

Rest your body. You'll be thankful later. Life is hectic and gets even more so as we add on those extra shifts at work, extra chores at home and responsibilities that different phases brings with it. But have limits, have principals and treat yourself kindly to the best of your abilities, take care of it.

Not because of hedonistic and selfish reasons (being a little selfish about your body is a good thing), or commercial, superficial things. But really to a better day. Rest your body, let it sleep. Sleep is a must. Take the rest and the day off when you need to. You aren't going to solve all of your problems and one more day isn't going to make everything impossible. By now it should have already gotten done and no longer matters so much. Or there is still time for it. Sit down, open a bottle of wine, watch a movie and enjoy the day, the evening, the night. Take the time off for your thoughts and emotions to be still, sink low and then be digested. Let them sift up and rethink things. See if they're as appealing or more appealing still. The way that finishes doesn't come back, so you might as well enjoy it while you have the chance. Tomorrows are always there, but sometimes, today is what's important.

When it shuts down, then well, you can say goodbye to all the things you wanted to do, but never even got a chance to think about it twice. That would be more tragic.

Recent Realizations

It's strange; sometimes comedic, sometimes ironic that how much our perspectives change in the world. The truths we've known, understood and accepted change. We change and the world around us changes. The world changes, sometimes moving forward and sometimes aggressively regressing back and we change too along with it, to keep up, to understand, to be undone so we can be a better version of ourselves.

A year ago in January, I was at a very different place emotionally, intellectually. I am so different than the person I was that day. The way I looked at the world, love. The way I felt the world. My experiences had built a different coloring palette and I only knew how to see through those eyes. Things I had known, yearned, desires didn't stay the same across the board. They changed when one person entered my world. I changed along with that person and world.

The way I experience is, well, quite different than I used to. But it isn't so different that it no longer rings true or original. It's warmer and fiercer. It's more emphatic and wiser. Definitely more grown up. The world is softer, kinder and sometimes, even helpful. Sometimes, things do go my way. Not often, but sometimes. Graciously enough for me to recognize the pattern. I can sigh and that can be not for bad purposes, and be in fact, quite the contrary to that.

Truths have a way of being wobbly and swishy and the "never" has a way of entering so seamlessly, smoothly, it's almost a criminal action. Just not enough, because it isn't so volatile and violent.

I wonder how much of a different place I would be next January?

Life, I've grown more fonder of you than I was before. I didn't think such a thing could ever be possible, or possessed by the likes of me.

Burgazada

Yesterday night seemed be a circus of dreams. Never ending merry go around that ended up making nauseous. Out of all that mumbo jumbo, weird world, aliens, pickles and sheep, lots of running around and somehow a huge gun (no idea where that even came from) I saw one single dream that actually made sense.

I think I've grown homesick since the years I've last visited Turkey. That was in 2007, so long ago. Although I did not depart with the most sincere and warmest of feelings at the time, after a while the anger fades away and the way I've shamed myself eventually faded out of memories as well. Others piled onto that, so no one cares anymore.

I've realized how much I've missed Burgazada. The sound and the smell of the waves. The rich green surrounded by the blue. I like the amicable crash of the two colors. Both warming, inviting and cool, waiting to be admired. The sun, the freedom of youth I associate with the island and the etching of the memories left from so long ago. I don't think I can ever remember the islands with anything negative. I wish never to be corrected on this. I want it to stay as it is in my memories, no matter how selfish and impossible that sounds. I know it won't, but I would at least like the ability to reminiscence about the islands in that loving, longing and happy way. It's that piece of solace that I can always look forward to.

Cheers to Burgazda and all of its wild children

In Sickness...

I am sick as hell, though I have no idea where I caught it from. It can barely speak and I am literally awake a few hours a day and that's with the help of medicine. I am nauseous, disgusted of everything around me and my head spins away day in and day out. The world looks funny and I'd just rather sleep. My head is exploding at any given moment and remember I said I was awake a few hours a day? That's in front of T.V., snuggled up with a blanket and a blank mind, because I have no idea what is happening in any of the shows the channel seems to be displaying. I am more there physically, rather than as a being. More like a plant. Yes, I said it. There you go.

So where does that leave me? Unable to think, unable to eat and unable to stand up. Wonderful! It's time for my 5th nap of the day.

Oversleeping

Exhaustion that rolls off and gets deeper with sleep. But the earliest I seem to be able to wake up is at 3 p.m. Obviously not a good sign. Sleeping is also no problem after two hours of wrestling in bed. The dreams can never be interpreted to signal to the coming of anything good. Though, I don't add too much stock to my dreams. I guess I should get my palm read before I come to a conclusion about my state ;)

I toss and turn and the sleep I get, regardless of how long till I sleep is at best, letter Z quality. I seem to be down with fever, cough and the chills. I am not so sure the forecast is looking so great for me in the next few days.

Quits

I am calling it quits. I can no longer keep going. I am physically beyond exhausted. It's like waking up from the grave every morning. I worked the month of December without a day off. I am expected to be there about 12 hours a day, everyday, up beat about it, without proper breaks and enough time to rest. And this is not enough, as I have to commute to work via public transportation, leaving me even less time at home, everyday. Leaving me less time for sleep, for chores, for personal growth, personal grooming, and other necessities of life, such as grocery shopping, taking care of paper work, reading, and perhaps taking a thirty minute walk by my house. All of this has become impossible. I wake up, rush out the door, usually without breakfast at this point. Stay at work, and come back to the house, to perhaps throw a bite into my mouth, wash the dishes and take a shower to scrape off the grease from my scalp. Then I do it all over again, again and once more.

What's more is that I am also mentally tired. I cannot understand these people. Their expectations are beyond necessity and humanly possible. I hate nearly everyone I work with, perhaps there are two or three exceptions to this. I have no time to read, no time to write, no time to search, no time to watch a movie. No time to unwind when I come home. I am constantly battling against time, and I am tired of coming out as the clear loser. There are no time to the necessary things we need to for our survival.

I am calling it quits. At this point, I couldn't care less about my financial woes. This is way too much. I need my sanity to survive through this. I am already emotionally broken down, hurt, wounded and my pride beyond tarnished. Breathing hurts. Going to sleep hurts. Initially, I was glad to just have a job due to the things we needed to pay for, things we needed to purchase for our home, and to save up for the upcoming year and the uphill battle, the wedding. But with this, there won't be any me to wear that wedding gown, walk down the aisle.

I am calling it quits.

Not Sure About This

My body has gone ahead and decided to betray me. I'm completely used up. I have no energy left. All I want to do is sleep, sleep and sleep some more. I just can't seem to be getting anywhere near enough sleep. It doesn't want to get up, it doesn't want to clean, it doesn't want to cook, it certainly does not want to read. I think I just need some time off, to recover and reassess.

I can't say I am entirely shocked, because I was aware how badly I was mistreating my own body, my own vessel, the ship that needed to sail and navigate all of these thoughts and feelings. Inevitably, here we are.

Life takes its toll out on your body and it certainly is now punishing me for not resting it properly, when I should have. Besides, all this mental clamoring and the noises that has been coming out of our mouths accompanied by such negatively connotated words and associated with such troubling emotions, it really is normal under the circumstances given.

I just need to sleep it off...

Happy Birthday, N!

Happy birthday, Brother N!

I can't believe that this is your 24th birthday. When did you grow up to be a man? I remember the times you were so young, gullible and naive. But your innocence has never disappeared and you've never lost your gentle, loving heart and your kind eyes have increasingly become intenser over the years due to the suffering you've endured and the empathy you've gained.

It is unfortunate that we are unable to be there for your birthday. But, next year, I will come bearing gifts. Thank you for everything you've done for me, firstly simply by choosing to be my brother.

The best,

Love, your sister N,

Now That We're Back

Now that we're back from Rochester, it feels full of life, happy, warm and well, like home.

To be able to see the light in our own tiny, shabby, student apartment is sometimes the biggest miracle of life. At least to me. The space I inhabit has to be more than a temporary solution, therefore who cares attitude is not an acceptable attitude towards my living arrangements. It certainly has been less so for S now.

Things still need a lot of work. Lots of work. But, as things have come to a sweet end, and we've been able to at least jump over all of these hurdles we had no intention of ever even facing, is a good start. It's not ideal, but it is a good start.

I am completely exhausted, off to sleep more now.

The Essense of Traveling

The only thing I hate about getting from City A to City B is not being in different, new cities in itself. It's the idea that I have to travel with Train from Madison to Rochester and the 11 hour train ride overnight, followed by a four hour bus ride, to only arrive at early evening in Madison and to have nothing left in the fridge and being too tired to go out to grocery shop and cook, and the worrisome mental exhaustion until everything is unpacked, put in its rightful place, washed and the whole apartment clean once again.

Oh, don't let me forget the body collapse on my bed, as soon as I arrive at home to a complete coma until the next day early afternoon.

The train, you suck up my desire to be anywhere other than Madison, massively.

Adiue, Rochester

I can't say that I am sorry to leave you, Rochester. It was not enough face time, long chats of therapeutic talks with my mom, whose generous kindness is always in season and in infinite amount. It wasn't enough to see my grandmother and taste her excellent home made food.


Though we did come here to do what we intended to do and considering how superb everything went, I have not a single complaint to make. You were awesome this time around. Though, still, I find myself excited to go back home, home to Madison and celebrate our engagement to the fullest.

Our Engagement

Today is the day. Today is the day that we've been waiting for. The day we've worked hard for and lovingly have decided. Ever since the beginning, our very first day has been with commitment. It was something we've both pledged to one another and have entered this relationship with the promise of. It became even more serious when we decided we could and eventually wanted to be married. Our relationship is now family sanctioned, officially accepted and people are looking forward to the fruition of our relationship. I am not particularly happy about being stalked and expectations being placed upon our shoulders, I, however will take the chance to demonstrate in the old traditional, archaic and awfully patriarchal ways as families like ours expect to. Though, we'd never miss the opportunity of great home made food. So here's to that.  I'll always tell you how much I love, cherish, respect you. You won't go without long durations of time, where you won't be appreciated, thanked and loved. I will always put in the effort, will always be honest about my feelings and will always be the shoulder you need to lean on.

You can always count on me.

Rochester, Again.

Hello Rochester, it's you again. This time, I've brought someone with me. Someone I deeply care about, to tie the first, red knot of commitment in front of my family.

Welcome us, help us and bring us ease, happiness and lots of love. This time, for the first time perhaps, I am excited to be here. Be kind to us and shower us with good fortune.

Our Engagement Shopping

At the last moment, we were able to get our rings, S's dress shoes and a bunch of other items we should have bought weeks ago in preparation for our Engagement Party at my parents' house in Rochester.

I know it's not wise, but I could only take this off before our departure and we stuffed everything into today. I think I've been up since six, confirming train tickets, packing, and managed to even get an eye brow way, a hair cut, bought the items we needed one by one and even got a chance to check out some books together. Somehow we managed to squeeze in a dinner at Oliva's before we rushed back home, finished packing, gathered the paperwork for tomorrow, set our alarm clocks, I gave myself a mani and pedi and a home facial. We're all set to leave for tomorrow. It's past 11:30 and I think the night is calling me to sleep. I am so excited that regardless of the fact I am exhausted that I don't even know if I'll get to sleep.

P.S. and yes, we even got our engagement rings today.

Inability to Grasp

I've wanted to decline talking about this directly, although I am sure unintentionally pointed out to, directed to, unveiled some sort of difficulties. The problem isn't between the two of us--this isn't to say we don't have other things to talk out, understand and solve--but more so about people from the past.

I've shut my past tight. Everyone has a past, any grown up comes into any new relationship aware, knowing and understanding that. However, not everyone is capable of making it known and understanding appropriate behavior when we have new people in our lives with important places in our hearts and significant positions in our lives. There are certain boundaries to never cross, and the truth to come to accept. I understand certain people are disposed to clinging on to and living in the past. I can be one of those people. After all, I am one of those people who adamantly hold on to the lessons, emotions and people of the past myself. That doesn't mean that I don't recognize when to let go, move on and create a better, bigger, more intimate and warmer world for myself to reside in. Not to mention, not letting our prides be chewed and spit back out, being disrespected. In addition, we should always respect the new people that enter into the lives of the people we care about.  Needless to say, this was not given to me.

The past seems to keep knocking and at times trying to break through that door S and I have carefully, sturdily built with a lot of effort, time and incredible intricate layers and barge in. Trying to come in between two people who have linked their hearts together and trying to build a solid, happy, healthy, loving future together is evil, hurtful and plain disheartening. This simply shows malice, ill intent and the desire to hurt, ravage through and burn. Burning anything that is insight and breaking anything there is to break. Destroying the sacred emotions between two are incredibly insensitive and immature.

You're insane and have problems. Please seek a psychologist to end this emotional and psychological turmoil. Stop taking out on me and our relationship.

I also cannot understand the mentality of any woman who can put her pride aside and take part in such immodest, immoral and reprehensible acts that not only be little your value, and create disgust in our minds. I cannot understand the malicious attitude and acts that are geared to hurt. That is just evil.

Excitement

I am excited for tomorrow. To be able to come so far. I feel like celebrating. For a while there, I didn't think I'd be able to make it. I thought this whole ordeal was going to end up having the life choked out of me, in letters, pictures, emails and strange calls in the middle of the night.

As my soul has doubled in size due to this experience, it now has stretch marks all over at the edges and around the center, where a tower was build, from the inside out, stretching out like a pregnant woman's 9 month belly. My heart has shrank though. It has become brittle, cracked, chipped and in need of repair. In need of time, of silence and of reflection. In need of its own company, slowly mending as it reads, writes and slowly goes back to the land of the living. To the world where there is more than money to be earned.

It will recover. I know, because if I am a live, then it will recover. It can and will have the opportunity, simply because I am breathing. I am like that old tree, that keeps on growing and at times looking like it's ready to rot away and be cut down for a healthier tree. Then the spring comes around and it starts repairing itself, with the sunshine and the chirping of the birds, and the tall grass. A round of merriness and cheery faces with bare bottoms. SO it will recover and when it does, it will be bigger, smoother, but always with crevices and hitches. Never so smooth again. It will be deeper. It will be wide, nearly endless. Almost. Next time. It will be stronger, thicker and wiser.

Now, I can look forward to tomorrow, to the things that brings joys for occasions like engagement parties, marriage, unifying of two very separate and very different lives. The joys of daily life that brings happiness abruptly and hesitantly, for a short while.

This is such an improvement that, this alone brings a wide smile to my lips. Tonight, let's be merry.

Hatches on the Calendar

Being able to get excited, to have knots in your stomach, to be able to count down, to make little hatches on the calendar. Feelings we overlook and never be grateful for.

More often, we should celebrate and appreciate such trivial things. Sometimes, that's all we have left. All we have to get through the day. Being able to enjoy it though, is such a deep, sincere feeling that without it, it isn't what it's supposed to be.

Moving Forward

It's been hard, littered with obstacles, even more so, very unlike me. At least in the way that I have been moving forward, the choices I've made and the path we have chosen as a couple. But I do believe that we've made the best decision individually and as a couple. This ship is ready to sail, go through any kind of weather and eventually anchor in the deepest part of the ocean and live on beautifully from sunshine to moonshine.

It wasn't easy and I still haven't accepted much. There is so much I haven't embraces and there is still so much to account for, retell, understand anew and continue on. The key isn't to pretend it didn't happen (at least with me. I can't do that. I've learned long ago that I cannot lie to myself) it's to build according to that, get out new lesson plans reach to deeper understanding of what went wrong, what each party wants and how of that is something that can be accommodated.

After my world crashed, day by day, then night by night, all the anger flew out, the hurt slowly settled down and bruised in so many places. It got bigger and the tears started to roll down and it sunk in so low that I couldn't breathe. It sat right on top of my chest and sleep became unbearable, the day worst still. Frustration started to build, and my need to find logic in such perverse and disgusting actions. When I couldn't, I had to push further until I found a glimmer of hope that possessed the ability to hold a logical explanation to all of this. When all the tears flowed out, it took some of the sting away with it. Then analyzing slowly dulled, because it was analyzed to death. It no longer could be. Everything laid so bare, so naked, so vulnerable on the table that it was hurtful to look. Then we started to act. One small act at a time, one smile at a time, one touch at a time. Things eased off, slowly got brighter in color and lighter in weight. Slowly, it became bearable again. Life became bearable, livable.

Then we've decided to make it work, again and again, again and that wasn't again until we've made the decision to make it through daily. Because really, it was that bad. Couldn't go, couldn't say. How awful.
Roots.

Stay.
Stay.
Stay.

Day awoke. Hope seeded itself in me again. Something to look forward to began appearing. The things we've become momentarily blind to, we've begun to see them once more.

Moving forward, one inch at a time.

Part of Me Now

Another line across the date. One day closer. My stomach is in knots. I can't believe we lived through that. Unbelievable. That was the experience of a life time. Extremely special, confusing, confounding and has brought us to another dimension now. To be able to do this, it takes so much out of a person, of a couple. Now, we're here, comfortably, in unison and happiness, without regrets.

This is something I will never be able to forget, never be able to let go. I'll always relieve those moments, again and again and something in me has completely embraces this idea, this notion and action so wholly that I am unsure how I will be able to untangle it from my own identity. It is now, forever a part of me.

Whatever Happened to Excitement?

I thought I was supposed to be going through all the excitement and the insanity that was supposed to come with being engaged.

I guess, sometimes the switch board gets forgotten to be turned on. Perhaps, sometimes it's so overwhelmed by all the other lights that's on that it forgets to be registered. After all, it can become just another current, currently running in and out of it, attached by wires of different colors, the outlets at the different parts of the house, being turned on and off, used by others, so many different people, all with complicated reasons.

There is just so much going on that sometimes, I forget. Maybe, the other reason is that in my heart, I've long ago married S in the most secret, most beautiful and most absolute ceremony of all. There is something magical in S that I can't help by to let go of everything. The wrongs, the rights, the light and the dark. They all mesh together and they all get a little lighter, they hold on a little less tighter to the ends of my skirts. There is a little safe haven, where I come undone, unpolluted and melt into the bliss I had always dreamed of. There is a part of his soul that hooks mine so wholly that it's impossible to desire anything but a complete union. An utter change that has happened before I even sensed it coming.

My mind is overwhelmed, my mind is scattered and at the same time keenly focused and my heart bruised more than I bargained for that making to home at the end of the day and laying in bed with S, is more than I can ask for. I go to sleep satisfied, complete and full.

Engagement Rings

Now that we're semi-engaged and will become engaged on the twentieth of this month, we've been having a lot of discussions about obviously in general about relationships and marriages. However, we've also been having a lot of discussions about weddings and the upcoming announcement of our engagement at our engagement party. This kind of conversation eventually leads to details of what will be happening, how and when. Which gets mechanical quite quickly and thus averted our attention to rings. I particularly don't care, however in Turkish tradition it is customary for each side to give each other wedding bangs to be worn for the rest of your life (the only bands you get). A red ribbon will be tied to each ring, which will hold the two rings together, placed on a tray or a pillow, held proudly, by an unmarried, single, young woman. An elder male member of the family will make a speech and eventually cut the red ribbon with a pair of scissors after the rings are placed on both the bride and the groom to be's right ring fingers.

To be honest, I've never truly understood the desire to wear rings to somehow bring fort materialization of your commitment to one another. Alas, even I can't escape certain traditional aspects of the whole sanctioned mating rituals.

The question eventually makes itself obvious and S finally gathered enough courage to ask me "what about rings?". I naturally answered, "I never thought about it. I think we would have to have something symbolic in order to be engaged at the party as it is customary in the tradition. But other than that, I don't care. I don't think we need to buy anything to spend money on it." Well, things didn't go as I planned which ended on S being a little offended and being on the defensive side of the conversation. So, even more questions and conversation transpired and long story short, we've decided we would wear rings, but simple ones which would not cost our budget any dent. We declared the price of a hundred dollars to be enough. The idea we argued, was to show our commitment and a simple token of our love to one another, rather than to show we were engaged, or married.

This was all well and done. I thought we had simply solved the problem. The day to go to the mall and shop came. Things, unfortunately were not as we had guessed. It turns out that it is nearly impossible to find cheap engagement rings. People seem to put so much emphasis on the whole ring thing. I really don't understand why it needs to be so expensive? I also don't understand why people try to hard to sell things that have only materialistic price, but no inherent value. Granted, a ring, eventually, after decades of wearing can be very valuable to a woman/man. It can come to bring together two people, their memories and link their story to their descendants to come for many generations. But, a ring is not valuable, simply because it is a ring made out of a "precious metal and stone". My ass. Needless to say, we were kind of chased away or ignored by people at the jewelery store stands.

As a conclusion, we were disappointed that we could not get away with paying hundred dollars on our first try. I won't give up. Over my dead body that I'll buy something "nice and fashionable".

Steps of Life.

Rethink. Evaluate. Then Evaluate again. Repeat. Decide.

Writing is Easier

To do nothing. To slow time down, go over the past, carefully writing within the margins, as if I am editing a personal essay and explain each word, each mistake, each action again. The find a purpose to some of the thoughts, actions and the awful, the giddy feelings. To know why, to be destined, to be unified, cohesive and on the same page, with similar histories. It's simpler to write than it is to feel, to reorganize, to undo the tangles of faith, fate and destiny, and personal accountability. It is easier to smooth the crinkles on a page with some words on it, than the crinkles of my soul that's been deeply blundered, offended and hurt.


I don't understand how we keep running in circles, having said all of my precautions, having sounded off all of my alarms, bells and yelled so loudly that all the men from my past has heard me. It's unfortunate that sometimes, we only learn by treading on the delicates of others.

For the Mistakes of the Past

Eventually, you learn to get up, dust off, gather whatever is left unbroken, untouched--that itself, might be the biggest journey you have to make--pack it up, make a new home, somewhere, somehow, along the way, learning to mend all the same wounds you've once dressed secretly on your soul. Shameless!
Then you learn to forget, even if momentarily. Learn to forgive. Learn to move on, even if you do it grudgingly. Even if you come to never forgive yourself. Just forgive yourself enough to continue on to repent for the mistakes of the past.

Then, live. Each day. Sometimes, waking up enough. That's all you can do. That's all you can ask of yourself. Next day, just try going to bed. Even if late. Try. One day, you'll be able to look at that list of yours and see which one needs crossing off next, even as you hate everything about yourself in the past.

A Breath of Relief

Now that our decision has been made, I feel a breath of relief. Even the tension on my shoulders have eased off. It's not to say there aren't challenges still, on the contrary there are many. There will continue to be even more. We have to get ready for a super expedited engagement. We have to consider what this means, how this will affect us, and the next group of steps. Considering that we have expatiated about this conversation so much though, I do feel we are prepared. We've got our list and we're equipped with the essential knowledge to tackle those pesky problems.

While there is one persistent problem that I am still not sure about how to go on handling. I dislike people who try to drive a wedge between any two people. I despise people who try to come in between two people who have a close bond of love, respect and commitment. It's unprofessional, petty and desperate. It is true that since that time in September, S and I have extensively talked about this, our emotions have poured, sometimes culminating in a verbal disagreement that ended up wounding us for the worst. There is little to nothing he could now do about what he did in his past. Unfortunately, he missed the window of opportunity to solve this problem without me learning about it. Now that I have been so thoroughly illuminated, I would love some shadowed crooks to hide my pride and soul in. Regardless though, there is very little I can do about the things I've learned and in returned how they make me feel. Just because they are in the past, does not mean people cannot be held accountable for them and does not take away their power to make me hurt or damage our relationship. Though it does bring us to a fork. 1) I suck up, learn to deal with and then move on. 2) I reevaluate everything we've been through, talk, reassess and move on to a future, separate from S. I've realized number two is not an option, because, I cannot imagine my life without S. I cannot imagine living through everyday, without waking up next to him. I definitely don't want to go to bed without him. So that leaves me with number one. It's going to take time to move on though. Until then, I am going to have to learn to be calmer, and S is going to have to be more patient. To be frank, I don't know how much more a person could be patient is impossible.

But words have power in them. Considering we talked about this in length over a long period of time, thoroughly, into the first days of the morning, we're aware of the problem. We've come to a decision of being married, and even set up a date to take the first step in this journey. Knowing that our future is safer, more secure is powerful. It's powerful to know that I know what exactly S think, has thought and had felt towards this particular problem. It's powerful to know what he is going to do and what he values most. It's a relief to know that he won't bow down and is willing to change. It's powerful to see the transformation in him. For all that, I'm taking a deep breath of relief to a more peaceful future.

Keep Digging

You have to keep digging, until you find what you want to find...the gold, the silver, the emerald, the lost love, irretrievable respect, haunted soul or mistaken heart.

But never forget, no matter what, how hard, how deep you dig, sometimes, you'll only be descending into madness, with each stroke, for there is no greater blasphemy then the one you've committed and the Gods Above have decided that you shall slowly whither away, by your own hands and the unquestionable conscious you've once possessed.

Heavens, Forgive Me

Sighing, my chest heaves heavily. Heavens, I ask, forgive me, for I have gravely sinned. The worst of it all, the sin I've committed treacherously is to my own soul, to my own flesh and to my own heart, wounding my own pride. I've forever blacked my heart, with traces that shall always slap my face, at every turn. How shall I ever continue to dreading the night, numbing the day for years on, and into the stretch of eternity in purgatory? I'll always be living with the mistakes, right here, under my skin.

Open Letter

Well, I realize you'd like the world to be different, yourself to be different. I know you wish you could have done things differently, and had chosen a different time to be born, a different country to be born in. A different education path to be chosen, wildly different career path to be followed.

I know, I understand. I realize you wish that your passive-aggressiveness just went away one morning idly, as you sipped your morning coffee. The action verbs you tell your students about, you wish you could take the action in your life too. You wonder what it would be like to hold your own destiny in between your two palms, even if for one night. You wish that for once, the niceties you put on for the male sex, paid off with sex...once, without begging, without manipulating, without pushing, without playing the power card you've somehow managed to hold over someone else's head. You regret all the chances you waited out for too long.

You want to be seen, to be recognized, to be fully understood and touched, to be desired, to be loved, entirely, as a woman, as a person, as an intellectual being. It's usually all others, but being recognized as a woman, as a sexual being. Ah, the always denied part of yourself that now drives you off the walls. It lets you humiliate, embarrass yourself. Repeatedly. Sinking to new lows, daily.

I understand and really, I do forgive you. The question is, can you?

Fire Works

It's a little ironic that sometimes all it takes is to make a big decision and to announce it for the big fire works to explode in your hands.

How ridiculous is it that some people's ecstasy is ruining any kind of big, happy moment for anyone. I've always found it odd, but perhaps understandable, for some...I guess such things will never change. It's not dependent on your origin of country, religion, political choice, sexual orientation, sexual identity, gender, socio-economic background. It's purely dependent on what kind of a person you choose to be. They're everywhere.

But, I understand. Sometimes, in the void that we are in, where everything feels like it's being torn from our hands, everything we've slowly cultivated over the past five years, regardless of the pressures we've put in, the position of power we've had to sway our victims...did we just work this hard, for this long, for someone else to come in and take the position we desired to be in? We worked tooth and nail to be in? And even when the person usually isn't manipulative, depressed and desperate, I still understand.

Because sometimes, you're so bitter, life has been so unfair that you just can't control your reaction in that split second which as the words roll out of your mouth, it's like you're watching yourself on a movie screen and regretting every syllable that makes out of your mouth. It happens, after all, isn't someone's happiness in fact, the cause of someone else's misery?

Our Decision is Made

We had a long talk yesterday night. A very long talk. Eventually, we have come to the decision that, we want to get married. The past eight months have been a blessing and a whirlwind. I've never felt exposed, interfered and vulnerable as I have in these past eight months. I also can confidently say that my heart has stretched bigger, grown fonder and has learned to love gently, without abusing, without hurting, crushing and to love kindly, maturely. A confidence has been inserted and the ability to accomplish and do this, to be fierce, to be strong, to be more determined has been implanted. I've been stronger with you then without--needless to say, you've spoiled me much. Some of the things I used to do on my own, now with you, have transferred over to you. Things no one has ever done for me, things only a select few people in my life, such as parents have done for me. But certainly, my list of things to do has never diminished, instead has increased now. Making up for the things I no longer have to do, like taking out the trash, opening a jar of pickles, reaching higher up in the cabinets, unplugging the toilet or the drain. Carrying heavy luggage...the list is infinite and so has my responsibilities.

Interference is bothersome, rude, immature and plain evil, simply. But I don't remember succumbing to such things. So we've made a promise to be together, to love, to respect and to support. Also, to walk over hurdles, unwavering with certainty. So, this too shall pass.

The big news is that, as we've come to this decision, we've decided to get engaged and do the traditional Turkish ceremony during the time we've set aside to visit my parents in Rochester. News will be all around and will shock those living in Rochester--though I doubt that they'll give a rat's ass.

There you go readers, I will be an engaged person come January!