Post Independence Day

The independence day was nice. We took the day off, celebrated and enjoyed our good fortune with friends. BBQing is essential and beer is the only thing that is perfect. The dream far from the reality. Now that Independence day is over with, we have to return back to our shabby hut and continue dreading through the day as sun climbs up the horizon and cools down with a silver moon.

So it's back to reality searching for lawyers, finding out about J-1 visa waiver. Finding out about Turkish wedding ceremony, not that the consulate is making it easy to obtain information.

Ah, the wonderful life of graduate students.

Quits

I am calling it quits. I can no longer keep going. I am physically beyond exhausted. It's like waking up from the grave every morning. I worked the month of December without a day off. I am expected to be there about 12 hours a day, everyday, up beat about it, without proper breaks and enough time to rest. And this is not enough, as I have to commute to work via public transportation, leaving me even less time at home, everyday. Leaving me less time for sleep, for chores, for personal growth, personal grooming, and other necessities of life, such as grocery shopping, taking care of paper work, reading, and perhaps taking a thirty minute walk by my house. All of this has become impossible. I wake up, rush out the door, usually without breakfast at this point. Stay at work, and come back to the house, to perhaps throw a bite into my mouth, wash the dishes and take a shower to scrape off the grease from my scalp. Then I do it all over again, again and once more.

What's more is that I am also mentally tired. I cannot understand these people. Their expectations are beyond necessity and humanly possible. I hate nearly everyone I work with, perhaps there are two or three exceptions to this. I have no time to read, no time to write, no time to search, no time to watch a movie. No time to unwind when I come home. I am constantly battling against time, and I am tired of coming out as the clear loser. There are no time to the necessary things we need to for our survival.

I am calling it quits. At this point, I couldn't care less about my financial woes. This is way too much. I need my sanity to survive through this. I am already emotionally broken down, hurt, wounded and my pride beyond tarnished. Breathing hurts. Going to sleep hurts. Initially, I was glad to just have a job due to the things we needed to pay for, things we needed to purchase for our home, and to save up for the upcoming year and the uphill battle, the wedding. But with this, there won't be any me to wear that wedding gown, walk down the aisle.

I am calling it quits.

Bitch Goddess: Money

At this point, I don't even know why I even write on here. It's not like I can sit down to coherently think about anything. Even these thoughts, it's like in jumbles, randomly. I can only feel the touch of the keyboard as I press my fingertips on each letter. Other than that, there is no feeling there. I am tired of the uninvited knowledge I am not privy too, I am tired of being blacked mailed about it and even more so, refusing to sink so low to do something about it. Though I suppose, I should have, when I began to see a pattern of abuse and misuse of power in the beginning. It's all too late now and I have this hollow, numb, harrowing, eccentric cavity. This cavity in my chest, this desire to fill the numbness of my fingertips, but inability to do so with any means I possess, it's all maddening. This winter is not going to be treating me well, I can see it.  All of this work is a hindrance.I really could have been writing, reading, critically analyzing something...or thinking in general.

I liked thing as they were settling down. I was comfortable, adjust, and moving forward with my master plan of life. All hail to the "Bitch Goddess: Money". Nothing like the need to eat to interrupt with the dream world of a writer who really would just like to be left alone to do her work.

Not feeling upto work

It's a Sunday and I have to work again. Just going there takes me an hour and a half, and I get sent home, which makes little difference and yet, still with no money. I don't even know why I bother at this point.

Also, having written a negative entry about work the previous night obviously does not help. I don't want to wake up in a few hours to go to work to spend three hours on transportation to walk away with 20 dollars at the end of the night. Four dollars alone is the cost of me getting to and from work.

There has to be a cost-benefit analysis to these things. Other wise, it's just not worth it anymore.