Well, I realize you'd like the world to be different, yourself to be different. I know you wish you could have done things differently, and had chosen a different time to be born, a different country to be born in. A different education path to be chosen, wildly different career path to be followed.
I know, I understand. I realize you wish that your passive-aggressiveness just went away one morning idly, as you sipped your morning coffee. The action verbs you tell your students about, you wish you could take the action in your life too. You wonder what it would be like to hold your own destiny in between your two palms, even if for one night. You wish that for once, the niceties you put on for the male sex, paid off with sex...once, without begging, without manipulating, without pushing, without playing the power card you've somehow managed to hold over someone else's head. You regret all the chances you waited out for too long.
You want to be seen, to be recognized, to be fully understood and touched, to be desired, to be loved, entirely, as a woman, as a person, as an intellectual being. It's usually all others, but being recognized as a woman, as a sexual being. Ah, the always denied part of yourself that now drives you off the walls. It lets you humiliate, embarrass yourself. Repeatedly. Sinking to new lows, daily.
I understand and really, I do forgive you. The question is, can you?
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