The Last Day of February

It's the last day of February. No leap year this year. I didn't know that. So I wonder what kind of an excuse I will find tomorrow, for the month of March to pretend I've still got time about the things I am supposed to be doing, but aren't? I can't fathom any now, but I am good at finding excuses. Tomorrow is a long time from now, and I am sure I'll find a couple dozen by then.

Astray

There is this sense of void inside. Something that is wrong, missing, have gone astray, away from its original purposes.

You know the news you receive you're supposed to graciously accept, things that happens to normal people and under normal circumstances it sends them over the moon. New jobs, new positions, addition to family, new cars, new apartments. I can't seem to relate to those news, or identify with those normal people any more. Those are so far away, they almost feel like green alien creatures from bad Science Fiction movies with plot holes and horrible acting, the cheaply budgeted and the horribly written kind.

There is this feeling that one of my ribs have been broken and with it stuck through my heart and then drawn up to my throat where it's lodged neat and tightly there. I can't seem to speak, I can't seem to feel and I certainly can't seem to act like a normal human being.

I know I should. The excused I do throw out are fluff and I know it. Not that I should need an excuse. I just can't get my act together.

Acceptance

Now that all the tears have been shed and all the sides have been heard, not ignoring a single comma, and the decision has been made, unanimously, there is no escape, no alternative, no other choice.

Okay, but how about embracing it. Acting on it, and knowing for a fact that you will come to severely regret this choice, this prolonged waiting period, insecurity and emotional wilderness that seems to be eating me away bit by bit, chipping away at my chest. But I just can't get myself to get up and do it. I've done everything else. But I am afraid to get it officially announced. It would make it that much more real, that much more true. It is going to leave me devastated. Being devastated is also not doing me any good. In fact, it will do me loads of harm in the future. I can see that much into the future. "Know Thy Self" has always struck a chord with me, ever since I was a child.What is the solution?

Acceptance is the hardest part. There is no reconciliation between the heart and the mind in this topic. I am even afraid to acknowledge that anywhere but here, aloud. Especially, not in front of S. It's tragic, really.

Simple

I want to be far away here, in a very far away time period, where none of this will come to matter, because we would be so removed from the situation.

Having dealt with this, having faced the consequences and eventually learned a way to move on. Anywhere but in this slice of time, where my own thoughts are killing me. The battle of the mind and the heart is never easy to swallow and especially bitter when the topic is something you've desired for so long, longingly, yearning and hoping for the day your dreams come true.

Only if...well, we all live our own sins eventually. How about the price others pay for our sins? What about them? What should be done for them? Would any kind of apology we offer sooth the pain away?

I assume, more than most likely not. I don't have a magic wand, so I can't time travel to a future where this is no longer the prevailing issue of the time. Then the only option is to weather through the severe storm and hope for a brighter day.

Is it so simple to do so?

Bach

It's not the strings of violin you touch, the very strings of my soul that seems to resonate as you draw near.

Don't pull and trudge them. My fingertips bled enough and you're dangerous when you're near my soul so much.
It stirs so much in me, inspires me to the moon, momentarily I can do anything. You move me beyond myself, out of myself, far into the future and so far into the past that present, time merges into one. Nothing really matters, when you're here, in my womb.

Edgar Allan Poe

Sir Edgar Allan Poe,

On restless nights like these, I find comfort in your wonderfully morbid tales, your macabre stories and the darker part of human soul seems my identical twin.

You bring some sense of normalcy, adequacy and understanding of my own tumultuous and very sick nature. The nature I try to yield to another nature, another set of habits and mental behaviors that never seems to last too long, or long enough to get me out of the rut completely. Instead, I almost always emerge with one leg still, that keeps pulling me back in, without even realizing that it's rather scary. But I find the fear of it to be alluring and that seems to be acceptable in your tales.

I find my soul mate in your characters and it soothes me to know that I am not alone in these damn awful thoughts, observations and patterns of behaving.

I am sorry your life ended so abruptly and that to this day, we still have no idea what exactly happened to you on the last and following to the last days of your life. I wish we knew. I am sorry you lost the women you love so early in life. I am sorry that such horrible experiences paid the dye of your soul. But I am glad you became the writer that you are, written the stories you have. At least, I have you to keep my thoughts company tonight.

Love,

Sincere Fan!

More Than Poe's Poems

Once things sink it, the feelings slowly crawling around my heart, on my arm is horrid, like a slithering snake, tightening it's hold over me a little bit at a time. Patiently waiting until I can no longer feel, savoring in the anticipation and the taste of it's prey.  I have become prey to my own self.

The clouds hovering are ominous for more than just Poe's poems.

Cannot Delete

The wheels start turning, but it's already too late. All I can say is ask myself, what have I done? If I could have anticipated the consequence to be so deadly and gravid, I would have never, ever insisted. I have become the cause for someone's head. How awful, how wretched of me. How brazen and disgusting.

My mind is about ready to explode, and with all of my sincerity, I am sorry. I hope one day, in the future you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I am selfish. Forgiveness would mean everything to me. But I have no right to ask of it. This shows the depth of my self centered ego and selfishness. Don't forgive me, because you have every right to condemn me to hell. I've deserved it, because I knew better. I should have done better. I promise to keep my life dedicated to you, for you and always, always, be ashamed, forgotten and broken for the rest of my days on Earth. Nothing can erase what I have done.

Nothing to Say.

Another day, another blog post. Since I am unable to write any stories, or even poems at the moment, I push myself very hard to write for a bit at least on my blog. It seems, I am even unable to succeed at that. After all, how could I be running out of things to say, considering the fact that I always have a bit more to say. Well, here it is folks. I have nothing I want to say.

I want to entrap myself even further in the core of my house, and my being, shut the windows, turn off the lights and grieve in silence.

I want to pass in silence. Not a word. I've got nothing else to say.

Dreary February

For being the month of lovers, February is definitely dreary and nothing so lovely about it--well, except the name.

By this time of the year, I've had enough of snow, cold, bitterness and the darkness settling in so early that it feels inescapable that we're imprisoned it's dungeons of betrayal. I get anxious for March to come around, though that's hardly any better, ever. The snow that keeps piling in front of our door is rather discouraging and we've slowly pulled into ourselves with our situation and all, and well it being Madison and being too cold to actually do anything within walking radius of the city.

The holiday season is over, everyone's bank accounts are broke, and the cheeriness is gone. Everyone is in the mode of self loathing and possess the attitude "let's just get over winter, shall we?" and have let everything else go to hell. Everyone is depressed, everyone is stressed and we've been imprisoned in our blocks of buildings we've created for shelter, security and privacy. Too much privacy. I doubt anyone has seen one another since Christmas parties.

February puts me into depression just by existing. Thankfully, it's a few days shorter. Why? It beats the hell out of me.

So Far 2013

Well, so far 2013 has been a roller coaster. It's definitely an animated year. It's full of surprises and the beautiful blessing of being with S, the wonderful man that he is has been truly a gift. I've had some of my best memories and happiest laughters in the presence, caused by S. I never thought that my heart could grow so big to love someone so much, and very deeply, fierce against all odds and no matter the kind of side effects. I simply thought I wasn't capable of that, until S, came along.

We've gotten engaged and even religiously married. Which is the same as being married. These wonderful events have become the light of my life and have been constant reminds of good fortune thus far. My heart is at rest that I've fallen in love with such a great guy and no little noises in my head about the man I've chosen. No doubts, no regrets.

But as life would have it, as any good novel would, the drama, the emotional strife and the stakes have risen double, perhaps triple. It's the highest stakes of my life so far. Though I doubt I can ever have anything more climactic and action packed that as heart wrenching as this is ever again in my life.

So, where does that leave me? It leaves me being just another person, that's perhaps much luckier than most.

At Least

This way, we'll at least say, we had our first Valentine and did not taint the two together.

Going back to normal is impossible now, isn't it?

Changed

It changes you. You become softer, your heart grows warmer and you've stretched so far, you fill those shoes you've always admired. It's unfortunate how things have ended this way and eventually will be concluded.

You look differently, act maturely and behave like a grown up. You think like a parent and somehow world is scarier and you're terrified all the time, about everything.

How sad, how sad, how sad.

We all change and yet, here is another change. Unplanned, provoked, certainly. Here it is. I didn't even welcome it. It barged through the door, without even kindly knocking first.

Room For Error

Making our decision, does not mean we have to act now, right away, without hesitating. Let's allow some room for error.

St.Valentine's Day

As much as I try to be non-consumerist, or at the very least a careful consumerist, there are certain things I can't seem to let go of. I've never been attached to Valentines Day. In fact, I can't seem to actually remember any time I celebrated the holiday. I also know the gruesome past behind it as well.

This year though, for the first time in my life, in our lives, we're seeking to celebrate St.Valentines, together, to appreciate one another, the difficult time we've been going through, regardless of all the obstacles that keeps popping up, relentlessly and without exhaustion. My hat is off to you pissers and the Universe.

It seems counterintuitive to celebrate when you're feeling pretty bad, beaten up and to know that there are people out there, who are willing to do anything possible to drive a wedge in your relationship, in hopes that one of the people says enough and calls it quits. I might bend, but I don't end to break, even if I do, it's never easy. And if there is one thing about me, I'm rather determined, even if it takes time for me to accomplish sometimes, I will eventually get there. I might lay low, but I always finish what I start, more so now than ever before. I'll get there. My determination has never been deterred, or has never led me astray.

Misery can be an awful thing, but with us, it's never a permanent guest in between the two of us. Such heavy, negative feelings tended to be lifted, removed quite easily and quickly when we are together.

Go ahead Universe, you can't make me anymore miserable than I am right now with all the things you've thrown at my face. But I also couldn't have been any happier. I've got the person I need, that is loved with every ounce of my heart, who in return loves me with every ounce of my heart.

So love, open your arms this year, and we'll come celebrating with a glass of champagne to share, with roses that will green me and chocolate to feed my lover. Oh, my gift? That's a surprise.


Love, with you, my heart has never been bigger, never been fonder and never been this caring, gentle and genuine.

Impossible to Severe

Forget everything and let's get ready for tomorrow. We'll have to eventually tackle this too. So let's celebrate what we have to and appreciate the bonds we've got that seems impossible to severe right now.

Not Any Lighter

We've officially made our decision, why does it hurt right here in my chest. Such a sharp harrowing anguish.

Shouldn't decision making have left me feeling a little better, a little lighter? It used to. Why does it leave me feeling so angry, so vulnerable and heavier than ever before?

What's Next

Now that WE've talked it to death, all the way to it back, around the world, hell, heaven and the universe, we've cried about it. Been angry, been hurt, been wounded and thoroughly shocked, amazed, surprised and sunk low enough to be crippled, we know what kind of a decision we should be coming to, don't we.

Why is it so hard to say those words then? Why is it so hard to accept the truth even when we've accepted it?

Talk It All The Way To Death

Discuss, Discuss, and discuss some more after lunch. It's time for bed, let's reopen and reexamine everything. The day we meet, the day, everyday, day by day, everything, every second, every thought, every emotion.

What do we have in front of us. Let's argue some. Let's cry some, but still, hold on to me, no matter what.

Misery...let's face that together too.

Openly, frankly and in all of its depths and impossibilities and unlucky factors, let's talk it all out, until there is not a single word left out.

Let's pan it out and kill it with words until the end. Where what we have to do follows logically, like in the personal essay.

Destined

Ironic how the dates line up and it seems to be destined to be so?
Ah, this feeling in the pit of my stomach, taking root of everything in the area, going so far low, below and deep. To my core. I am wretched now that I have to face the facts and the truth.

Sins of ...

I can't get myself to write out the rest of the sentence. What a horrifying thing this is and I am well, repulsed by myself.

There is just...confusion and hell in future of us. Well this is why people say the stupid shit they say and now, I have become one of them. How befitting. Well, I guess it's better than knowing the alternative. I think that would have even been more heart shattering. Though, I guess since I won't be going through that, I'll never know. It's easy to make judgments without knowing the other side. How ignorant of me.

That's really, truly I can say: How ignorant of me. I just never had foreseen such a catastrophic conclusion, result, end...I just never even once thought that this could truly, really happen. I mean look at the statistics.

Ah, this is just not going to bode well for me. I can tell the next few months are going to be difficult. From decision making to, acting, to solving and the after math. It's just going to be heart wrenching. I never thought I'd be in these shoes. Never. Not in a million years. Well, it has definitely made me more humble. I just don't know if I needed this to be more humble. Such a horrifying way to become more humble.

Everything has sunk in and all I can say is, Oh My Goodness! Whatever am I going to do now? How can I?

Enough Time?

This should be enough time to have everything sunk in and gather everything, think it out, come to a decision and have some sort of game plan?

WE've taken enough time. It's time to act. At the very least, recognize and accept the truth. Ay, easier said then done.

It's not like I can think much of anything else.

Hiatus

I swear, that has to be my most used Post Title. Overrated. I am lame.

But since we've decided to not talk about it, pretend the problem isn't there and that I needed time to digest everything before my hands went out to my head and started sinking deep within myself again, as my heart grew an inch more, life is on hiatus. Everything is in hiatus.

Everything but sleeping, eating and going on about our days as we normally would.

But how adjusted, normal, responsible and healthy is that?

My head is spinning with all of this. The music is too loud, I've been on my feet for too long. Let me just grab a seat.

Wait and See.

Let's pause. Let's hold our breath and have all the news we've been receiving lately sink in, totally. All of it. Every little nano-centimeter. It's not like the outcome is going to change, so I'd like to catch my breath. It's not like any problem goes away on it's own, without needing to be fixed. This certainly is not. The outcomes are different. I am getting ahead of myself. Okay. So. One at a time. Let's hold our breath and stop everything that seems to consume us.

Let's go home, with just you and me. None of the titles, the responsibilities and problems. Let's have a candle lit dinner and open that bottle of wine I got a while ago. The one we were saving for a special occasion. No occasion will ever be this special again. So, let's sip away and pretend the world, the time and everything else in between has stopped, stopped to exist and it's just you and me.

Tomorrow, we'll wake up and we'll tackle this. Tonight though, it's just the two of us.

Confused

I am so confused. How do you deal with a situation you were always dreaming and hoping for, but always at another, delayed date. A date far away from now, all of this, under different circumstances and a different life? How do you reconciliate the two? How do you accept that new merged fact of life that has become part of your permanent history?

What are my options...God, I am afraid of just asking.

It's like hell and hell, at different times, dimensions and paradigms. So which one do we embrace and which one do we forsake. And the one we embrace, will that deliver us to salvation?

Not Expecting This

Well, Shit!

I was not expecting this to happen. Fuck. Okay, enough cursing. But it's not out of my system now. I didn't think we'd end up at this conclusion. Definitely not the result I was hoping to see at the end of that time window. How did it end up like this, here? Ah, man. This is not how I imagined such an important step of my life.

It's human fallacy and ego that we wish to be in the driving seat at all times with our lives. We think there are more things that are in control that there actually are. As we go ahead and imagine, the figure in the shadow has a way to come in and interfere in the way you had imagined, hoped and planed all along. Well, this is a slap on the face. Hard one.

The bigger question is, what will I do? What will we do? How this will effect me, him, us? Can this be overcome, are there other solutions and remedies to this problem that we just currently are not seeing, not able to, due to the hazy feelings and serious complications?

Hiatus

Learning to breathe again and giving myself some time. I'm putting everything on hold, reconsidering in the light of all this new information that is viable as death. It's like someone has shoved down the world in poison and expects me to just wake up and get going from where we were before all of this dark side had come to be exposed in sunlight.

I have never been so humiliated in my life before. Every inch of me screams of hate, of hurt, of anger and I am bewildered into a stage of bellicose rebellion. I want to break everything my hand touches upon and throw up in disgust at the sight of this breaches of trust, position, power, and everything that could be sacred between two individuals.                     

I am taking a hiatus from coming to a decision until I've digested everything better. Until the hurt sinks so low that I can look at it from up above and tell myself I could jump over it with enough will power. It's easy to say walk away, slam the door behind you, never look back and move on. But my heart has become to entreched with barbed wires of love that it hurts to breathe. It hurts to recognize the gross moral breach and acknowledge the truth and realize this is reality. This is fact and not fiction. This is not a part of my hyper imagination that seems to take me to places my heart wasn't big enough to go to.

I will never be able to get over this. My heart will remain bruised, but the question begs itself. Can I, live with this bruise with a constant reminder?

Home

After our engagement, things have been wonderful. Not to say it isn't without it's interruptions. But at least, our apartment is now feeling more like a home. I will never truly feel like this apartment is mine, or that I belong here, due to the all the history behind it that includes others. However, at least we're not a family, and it's got that homey feeling. I've finally been able to give it a home feeling. The temporarily designed, managed and stored items have found much better permanent homes. Unfortunate that it took us this long, but our whole lives have been a whirlwind. Since June, we've both been trying to catch up and it's been one milestone after another. The more I think about it, the more crazy it seems.

But now, I feel comfortable coming back home at the end of the night. It's a home alright.