Wondering About the Future

I've been thinking about this circumstance a lot, wholeheartedly. It's difficult to make up from down. I had always pictured this moment, and it was a cornerstone of my future dreams to one day come to realize it. It's a cold reality to face when things happen so grossly out of your comfort zone and dreams. Better yet, the things you've been delaying and in hopes of achieving working your hardest, to find out that you're in this situation, have this opportunity and cannot under any circumstance accept it. Because if you do, your own version of hell will be wreaking havoc here, on earth.

Thinking about it too much, lead to being sad about it from the bottom of my heart, which made the pain all the more stronger, searing through my flesh. A glass of wine will help I said. But things did not end well when I finished the whole bottle myself. I ended up quite drunk, and a sad drunk at that, that blabbered, cried, screamed and would not take no for an answer. It's hurtful to me, it's hurtful to S. My actions are inexcusable.

I wonder what kind of a reaction I will have if this was ever to be found out. What kind of treatment would I get from others? Would I be scorned? Would I be disrespected? Would I forever be banished from heaven? What kind of an explanation will I be able to give on the day of judgment. What kind of an answer will I be able to give my own child? These answers are terrifying and I can't bear to know the answers.

Not Expecting This

Well, Shit!

I was not expecting this to happen. Fuck. Okay, enough cursing. But it's not out of my system now. I didn't think we'd end up at this conclusion. Definitely not the result I was hoping to see at the end of that time window. How did it end up like this, here? Ah, man. This is not how I imagined such an important step of my life.

It's human fallacy and ego that we wish to be in the driving seat at all times with our lives. We think there are more things that are in control that there actually are. As we go ahead and imagine, the figure in the shadow has a way to come in and interfere in the way you had imagined, hoped and planed all along. Well, this is a slap on the face. Hard one.

The bigger question is, what will I do? What will we do? How this will effect me, him, us? Can this be overcome, are there other solutions and remedies to this problem that we just currently are not seeing, not able to, due to the hazy feelings and serious complications?