Happy New Year's Eve

It's December 31st. I've never been able to understand why we celebrate a New Year's in the dead of the winter, where there isn't that much to be happy, or celebrating about (other than the fact that I love taking long walks after midnight) and it's kind of difficult to detect any kind of change. I've always been more of a person who believed that New Year's should be moved to March or May to celebrate a new year with Spring, where actually a lot of physical changes happen which influences a lot of psychological changes in the human psyche. But, what do I know.

Well, loves, here is to a New Year that's better than the last, that brings us a step closer to understanding one another and a little bit stronger in order to achieve our personal and collective dream as a human being.

And here is to being happy with what you've got and with who you are. Accepting yourself.
Spending an entire evening, after a long day at work to sip champagne where we toast to all we've accomplished at such a short amount of time and to all that we aspire to build, achieve and bring about to this world.

Love,

Congratulations

I want to congratulate myself for nearly finishing the month of December and not letting go of things midway and change courses when I had settled on a particular course. It feels good to be able to finish things, days, and months. 

Determination

I've been wondering, how much do we get done, accomplished or understand by determination. Is determination and commitment related? If so, how closely? Can they be interchangeably used and still produce the same result, connotation, understanding and to be able to relate? Do we think of them differently? Do we analyze the words separately, independently, and the reactions they create in us? Do they get analyzed differently?

I am in general determined. Determined to make it in life, determined to go back to school, to get out of this rut, to make my relationship last and last happily at that, determined to make it in writing, determined to graduate from school, determined to have a career.

But I am not always committed to all of these ideals and goals together, simultaneously. Sometimes, I am not even committed to any one of them, exception of living and breathing. Sometimes, I end up being the least committed person and sometimes, I find that no one's commitment to one particular thing can come near mine. So maybe, in nature they are not the same things, perhaps things with affinity to one another, thought not exactly the same thing, like water, lake, river, sea and the ocean.

Mingled

The days like these are just too much. Warmth, intimacy and intellectual understanding. Life could not be better. But ask me again in the morning, when I have to wake up and go to work.

Until New Year's

So, the countdown isn't entirely over isn't it? Now, we're holding our breaths until the New Year's Eve and Day, in which we can begin a new, turn over the leave and find our silver lining to start fresh to the year, with all of this new understanding, solidified commitments and clear resolutions to lead better, bigger, healthier life. Is it going to make a difference though? Is it going to be better than last year? We'll we be better at making more realistic promises to ourselves and after having that frank conversation in our heads, we'll we do our best to make the alterations we need to make and keep making to change our lives for the better? Is it possible to do such things?

Why is it that we look for clear, physical manifestations of "New Me", "New Chapter", "New Life", "New Beginnings". I guess, it would be more properly called, physical manifestations of the changes we want to make. We wait for certain times of the year to change certain behaviors; to let go, to tighten, to love, to become recluses. We seek to interpret signs that aren't there, analyze random happenings as signs and think of ourselves as more intuitive, perceptive and that in total we have gained more insight to the matter we call life, when I've been thinking that I just make fool myself.

Why is it that we look for such things and find comfort in them?

The Day After Christmas

Well, now that Christmas is over, we can probably go back to the silence of the winter and keep actually working on our spirits for real?

Holidays are strange times of the year, where we focus so much on one or two particular aspects of religion that we forget the whole, the teachings and the lessons of them (or even this can be said of philosophies). We have to remind ourselves to keep up the good work and to work on our minds and souls throughout the year, not just a few weeks here and there in between to allow ourselves some goodnight, clean conscious sleep.

Now that Christmas is over, what do we do with ourselves?

Merry Christmas

And the last of the winter holidays are here. Now we'll be putting aside social functions, close our homes to social gatherings until about April, and everyone will be an introvert, focusing their minds on themselves, continually giving themselves an attitude check about how short the days are, how cold it is and how much more it's going to be snowing. We wonder about the cold and if humans were actually made to live in this cold, so far up north.

But today, hopefully everyone is warm, their belly full and their hearts in laughter. At least now, we all have hope for a better spring, and have been with family to celebrate the remaining of our humanity.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Simple

Can Miracles Happen? Because...my tunnel has finished and still, there is no sight of any kind of light.

Essential Library

It's disheartening to see how little I've read recently and how much my "To Read" list keeps growing, by the day. There are just so many great books out there that has already been published in so far past and has been continuously published with the ever changing technology, mitigating circumstances of people, societies, countries and the world in large. I feel lost in worlds and in a life long marathon I'll never be able to catch my breath.

All of these stories waiting to be read, to be reanalyzed, again and again, until someone comes to interpret it entirely differently so that our perspectives changes once more. And the stories we've read that leaves its traces in our soul, mapping out our reactions, our understanding and eventually when we turn the mirror to our inner worlds, how it changes us and how much it allows us to create a new thread to our own world, where we come to understand ourselves. Each book lights a new candle, illuminating a new world, a new sense, a new self and new emotions we never knew existed, or allowing us to finally communicate what it is that we've been feeling all this time. That's what cleverly crafted and well told stories do to us, individually and as large groups.

So my library looks at me, forlorn and looking forgotten, a little yellowed out, wondering their instability now, a future that looks no longer guaranteed in my little library.

Writing Space

My little desk, that's always cluttered, with an ever growing list of things to do, things to pay, things to manage and thing's to write. It never seems to lesson, or the space I clean up never seems to stay clean long enough to actually do wondrous writing on it. Or, any writing at all. For the past months, I can't seem to get past, everything I write is crap phase and it's not making my other wise dim any brighter.

One thing I do miss from living on my own is my abundant own space and writing space specifically as everything stood the way I left them, without an extra pair of eyes curious, wondering over my lists, things. I feel so violated sometimes that I just want to hide everything. And the daily needed use of check books, post it, index cards, pens and pencils and being easily accessible in our bedroom sometimes makes me the guilty part.

But, writing for me has always been a solitary act in which I've engaged in extreme privacy.

I continually need a space in which I can call my own, well lit, well organized and cleaned, without the treacherous, dirty hands of others to go through my sacred space. Everyone is different. I am not one of those grand people who can write anywhere, anytime, with anyone around. I need my mind to have been comfortable, my body to be well adjusted and my heart in it, having embraced where I am in order to write.

I like the door to be closed, rain drops hitting against the window and the soft voice of Melody Gardot to write efficiently, wholeheartedly and productively. I dream of the day where we have two bedroom apartment where I can have all of my books, notebooks with me, in the same room, and a door to close and lock from lecherous hands and lustful, dirty gazes.

Small Triumphs Cloaked as Big Triumphs in the Face of Bitch Goddess

There is some sort of comfort in having a plan and seemingly being able to pull it off. My mind is a bit more ease and it has given me just enough hope to try and get to that IMMEDIATELY MUST DO LIST. Though, unsure how of it I will ever get done...

To at least try feels like a big triumph for me.

Decisions

When coming to some sort of conclusion so obvious that it hurts you were unable to see it, coming to a decision process fastens up. Inevitably. So the decision is set. I am going to suffer willingly for a few more months when April comes along, I will smoothly transit over to another job. Perhaps, I'll do two jobs for a bit, as I train at the other place and gain some experience working there that I won't be suffering through any lost wages and income. After all, I am in this situation for the sake of "The Bitch Goddess" and we are in need of it's mercy to be merry to us so we can be fortunate enough to benefit from it's cheer and happiness.

And, I've come this far, I don't want to go back to negatives just as I've reached to a big fat ZERO.

In Conclusion

The conclusion we're coming upon after all of these blog posts about work, hindrance, capitalism is that money is a necessity. Then if money is a necessity, we all need to gain it and achieve it in order to survive. Since we all want to survive into the foreseeable future, with granted basic essentials and some luxuries, it's best we gain that money by some sort of talent, capability, trait we possess and also enjoy. Other wise, life seems too hellish. Doing something you don't enjoy, you feel is below you. It works all handy dandy in the beginning, because you're so desperate. Then you work hard, and not being appreciated, not making enough money after all of your trials, turbulances and the efforts you put into your job, it's maddeningly disappointing to look at your paycheck. It just does not break even. Then you begin to wonder, what is the point of all this frustration, bodily exhaustion, time hindrance, obscure obstacles, mind numbing? It's a silence that's not welcome in my soul that I can no longer allow to host.

Work at a job you can manage, you can tolerate and find some sort of small comforts that allows you to make through the day. Nothing could ever be as valuable as a peace of mind that once disturbed, cannot be bought simply by changing jobs or throwing loads of money on it.

Bitch Goddess: Money

At this point, I don't even know why I even write on here. It's not like I can sit down to coherently think about anything. Even these thoughts, it's like in jumbles, randomly. I can only feel the touch of the keyboard as I press my fingertips on each letter. Other than that, there is no feeling there. I am tired of the uninvited knowledge I am not privy too, I am tired of being blacked mailed about it and even more so, refusing to sink so low to do something about it. Though I suppose, I should have, when I began to see a pattern of abuse and misuse of power in the beginning. It's all too late now and I have this hollow, numb, harrowing, eccentric cavity. This cavity in my chest, this desire to fill the numbness of my fingertips, but inability to do so with any means I possess, it's all maddening. This winter is not going to be treating me well, I can see it.  All of this work is a hindrance.I really could have been writing, reading, critically analyzing something...or thinking in general.

I liked thing as they were settling down. I was comfortable, adjust, and moving forward with my master plan of life. All hail to the "Bitch Goddess: Money". Nothing like the need to eat to interrupt with the dream world of a writer who really would just like to be left alone to do her work.

Count Down to Christmas

As Christmas draws, I find myself impatient for the start of a new year. I've never been able to understand why new year is at the dead of winter, where everyone is too tired and too cold to even care about celebrating, and the night falls far too quickly and way too snowy to accommodate for traveling. Or really, for walking.

I know some people get fueled by the holidays, the count down to a new beginning, but I find myself reflecting, withdrawn, confused, internally disabled and well, stopped caring enough the markings on my calendar. Meaning, I just let go. I let go of myself, my house, my hobbies, and even those reflective emotions I've been festering leading up to this point in the calendar year.

I've been seeing the depression slowly creep up. I've perhaps been working too much--there is obviously no doubt about that--but even so, I've assumed this persona of a "Bitch Goddess" where I must make money and cloak myself out of this world, where I've become a sheep for the tax industry of the capitalist. Money in the long haul is a disenfranchising thing to think about, where it leaves me hanging and a harrowing chest pain, I can't seem to numb away with my awesome mind powers (that are nonexistent). Because really, my soul begins decaying and my body just tells me, kiddo, it's time to pick shit up. It never has preferably sat with me, or settled in, always leaving bitter after taste, although not as layered as a glass of

Cabernet Sauvignon. 

Secrets

S and I have decided to keep certain things a secret for the sake of smoother transitions, stop spread of rumors, gossips and too much interest into our private lives. I've never been immune to gossip, certainly, but I never have been able to understand the reasoning beyond probing questions some people like to ask, much to my chagrin and much to their pleasure. Personal life, matters, inquiries, should stay personal. It's been one point of principality I've always been proud of. It feels a hindrance to someone's personal freedom to ask so much about their life. I certainly don't like it when others ask me such questions. I never feel compelled to answer, neither do I feel bad (on rare cases I have had felt bad, though not often and not anytime as of late) but I never can relate to others gossiping about the fact that I don't like to gossip. It feels like a maze no one can get out of, and quite frankly, a waste of time, energy, brain cells and effort. Perhaps, I am too lazy to follow all social protocol, and a bit too lazy to engage in said protocols. Though, I always rather try to understand and would like to understand, somethings feel so bizarre to me, I am not sure whether I'll ever be able to create a link between the two of us and begin to establish a mutual foundation to stand on, in order to create understanding.

Sometimes, it's just better to keep secrets from everyone else.

Witness

Can you pretend you haven't seen something of significance, after, in fact you had? What responsibilities does one have to herself, her reason, her community and to the legal system at work perhaps? We tend to be ignorant of many things and avoid things we don't want to deal with, and pretend something doesn't exist so we don't have to confront it, or find a solution to a very real, threatening and exiting problem. But how much further should we go along with it? Should we not are, simply because others don't? And simply, should we care, because the masses do? Shouldn't causes and fights be near and dear to heart, to really be worth it, to really advocate for it and stand up for it, defending it, at all times and circumstances, with its flaws and shortcomings?

How do we go about changing the things we see, and how much should we hold other responsible to be impressionable to the things they witness to? How much people should change after initial and repeated witnessing accounts, experiences?

Blank Pages

I've really been itching to write. There is a story here, and there and much deeper. Each cell contains its own story that screaming out to be heard, only you can't hear it and I don't have the credentials to properly tell you the story.

I've been staring a lot at blank screens lately. I've been staring a lot at empty papers in front of me as well. Pen in my hand, and I keep saying to myself "I know I had something to tell, it was just at the tip of my tongue, where did it go?" Where did it go, indeed. This influx state of uncertainty, things happening, things not happening and the time moving so slowly that I dread mornings and the each passing moment.

One day, I woke up and realized how unhappy I have been at work, and how much I've let myself go, how much things have piled up and how long my to do list has gotten. All the things that are waiting for me to start, be decided on and get going...I wonder if I'll ever get to start any one of them at this point. My mind feels blank. I am so happy that S is here with me. If it wasn't for him and his meaningful, thoughtful conversations and his continuous encouragement, his understanding of life in general and me...I am not sure if I would have stayed as sane as I surprisingly still am.

Communication

In these past months, S and I have obviously learned much from one another and about one another. While many things generally mash, match up or line up well against one another in our habits, dreams and styles, a number of things are severely out of sync. That much is expected. While for the most part, we've been careful about our communication and the way we informed the other party about anything we wanted to. The inseminating of information is an art and, not everyone does it the same, nor is every path we take to it is equally efficient and capable.

Things up until recently have been in small doses and have been rather manageable much easier. This or that, we've hit some obstacles and we've learned to communicate for the better. I, for one have learned to be much more patient, much more careful and much more descriptive, as well as informative on how and when and why explain things. When I was younger, I had a bad habit of flaring up quickly, inability to take any kind of constructive criticism and without ever learning the truth and beauty of listening--but truly listening. Of course, I grew up from that little girl and have picked up listening habits that I had embraced along the way. Though, I truly come along way since then, it has been apparent that I still have ways to go. S, on the other hand has learned to be more reflective, thoughtful, detail oriented.  S never needing to learn to critically think and thoroughly assess his own life, mistakes, circumstances and the opportunities presented to him, he has never questions about the decisions he's made, actions he's taken and the opportunities he's been given, taken and those ones that he has unfortunately discarded. He's learned that people are also accountable for their viewpoints in life, such as; their thought patterns and the perspective they view gender, sex and romance from. Things that needs changing, tweaking and all together relearn.

Aside from the generalities, I've learned to cry in front of someone else and have learned to express my emotions both in the raw and censored as to help someone better understand me. This is a first and I am glad I've chosen the right person to do it with. S has learned that past carries undeniable consequences into the future that aren't just in our heads. We will all be held accountable for our past mistakes, in one way or another. The important thing is not to cause suffering towards our partner.

Christmas Decorations

I've put my own mini Christmas decorations up for a spread of the holiday cheer and to bring color to our otherwise awfully neglected apartment. Usually, I tend to be more home fixated and do various project at home. As that being said, I still don't particularly feel like this is my apartment. S has been living here for the past 3 years, before I came along. He shared this apartment with his ex roommate, who has now returned back to Azerbaijan. There have been a long number of partners brought in for the night, or the short term. The bed isn't mine. The bedroom isn't mine and the kitchen isn't mine. It feels like I made do, until we have to move, though we definitely don't want to move for now, considering we'd like to save the money.

It has disbursed the gray clouds hovering over our heads individually and the sunken mood we have of the continuous assaults on the integrity of our relationship. To bring the cheer of inability to spend quality time together and to rush through the night into bed and out of sleep in the mornings. Inability to communicate at all throughout the day, exception of perhaps one phone call around three o'clock.

To put in a little bit of red and green, perhaps hang a stocking or two will bring us closer to our apartment in hopes of making it a home. Considering I moved here as a temporary solution, which turned into a permanent residence, everything that was placed, was placed temporarily, became permanent without much thought. I didn't give it much thought, because as long as it was out of the way for the moment, it was good enough. Though obviously, it doesn't always work so well for longer term arrangements.

Hoping for holiday cheer and decoration to warm us all.

Time is of Essence

Time is of essence. I am a firm believer in that. It's a fluid, frigid, impossible to reverse, but possible to repeat, relive and always consumed thing. It is of essence, because we are all here on borrowed time that reminds us we are here, alive, but definitely not permanently. We eventually move on from here to wherever you believe there is next after here.

It's fluid, because we have the ability to relive several similar experiences. It's fluid because there are universal, or near universal experiences most humans go through at different times, but in their time on here. While one matures quicker, the other matures more slowly. Everyone's evolutions are their own, in their own pace and with their own lessons to learn. Some end up having to grow up fast, while others are granted a longer childhood with less responsibilities and less severe consequences.

It's frigid, because once we live through a second, a day, a month we unfortunately have lived it up and time, is up. It doesn't always give us a second chance, the thing we give away, we take and made to sacrifice, taken away from us, forcefully or violently, are never to be returned to us. For that it is frigid.

We consume it always, and its borrowed time, until eventually we run out of ability to borrow for any longer.

But time is of essence. We must do the things we must do, when we must, in order to accomplish and move on to the next stage, where we are meant to be.

Until then, keep moving.

Seasonal Music

It's hard to get into mood for seasonal cheer, when the weather is crappy, I keep receiving more gruesome stuff in my mail box, and I officially hate my job and find it absolutely not worth it.

But, it is nice to listen to Christmas Music, especially when it's snowing or raining. The lights are up at everyone's house and the decorations are so flattering this time of the year. It makes me feel warm inside, and I guess at this point in the year, is exactly what each and everyone of us desire. Hot chocolate, ciders and eggnog and mint lattes. Sweaters, here we come for the next several months.
Christmas music, thank you. You're the only thing that gets me through my unending days at work. I am thankful for your existence.

It's time to read Charles Dickens and his Christmas novels. To the wonderful, joyous world of literature and Dickens' possessiveness and sexism.

Not feeling upto work

It's a Sunday and I have to work again. Just going there takes me an hour and a half, and I get sent home, which makes little difference and yet, still with no money. I don't even know why I bother at this point.

Also, having written a negative entry about work the previous night obviously does not help. I don't want to wake up in a few hours to go to work to spend three hours on transportation to walk away with 20 dollars at the end of the night. Four dollars alone is the cost of me getting to and from work.

There has to be a cost-benefit analysis to these things. Other wise, it's just not worth it anymore.

Isolation

Between waking up early and coming home near midnight to wake up early once again, I feel I've been left isolated, barren and bereft. Sure, I see my coworkers every single day for the past God knows how long. It is true I on a daily basis interact with strangers. But these engagement of other human beings is meaningless, impotent and brief. I have nothing to talk about with my coworkers, who are more attuned to who is hotter of the customers, which ones are to make fun of, and which criminal stories to tell. The number of meaningful conversations are nearly nonexistent with customers who are simply there to get there food, pair it with a great glass of wine and enjoy it over a thoughtful and engaging conversation with whomever it is they came with. They hardly notice you as a waitress and couldn't care less about you (naturally). On the off case that the customer is actually interested in engaging in a conversation, you're so busy that you couldn't be bothered, because really, you have to take their red lentil soup out, replenish drinks, open a bottle of wine and to take the right food to the right table. For someone who likes to share, converse and go into detail about various topics and things, I feel handicapped and that my voice has been ripped right from my throat. Also, seeing no one else to engage in other human activities, has left me feeling isolated like, I don't even exist, no matter what I do won't matter, where I go I'll continue to be invisible and my dreams are floating miles further away into the other end of the universe.

Working too much, with severe working conditions, expected responsibilities that must be fulfilled with obligated duties and long hours leave little to no time for one's self and life in general. I like having that quiet time to myself where I can unwind and let my thoughts roll off as they develop and hit a corner of milestone or in need of more information. I like doing various activities that engages the body and the mind. I barely have time to pick up the pen and write. Doing these blogs sometimes is my only escape, however insufficient at most. Because all these characters, cluttering through my mind are awaiting for an outlet to escape, but instead they keep being bottled up and everyday it grows more crowded until it falls silent due to over exhaustion.

It's impossible to be an island to yourself indefinitely.

Transgressions

Sexual and romantic relationships differ in their nature, duration and emotions invested in the relationship. The commitment bestowed and achieved are always unequal. There is inherently something unequivocal and imbalanced about them, since the dawn of humanity x thousands of years ago. One would think, it was especially so in the past, where there were wider and greater gender gaps on treatment of love and relationships. In my very modest, very unscientific opinion, this still greatly holds true. But it isn't just about gender. I see that a lot of men can end up with the muddy end of the stick, and sometimes it's women. It's about who holds the power in the relationship and the way circumstances lead to and begin a relationship.

In this one relationship I have witnessed that has been continually campaigning against my very being, soul, existence and relationship. It is true, I have been hearing everything from someone who has EVERYTHING to lose. I believe the story is being skewed in many lights, where I continually have to ask and ask and ask again the same question from many different angles to get to the truth of it. It's an onion anecdote applies here. The more I peel, the more that comes out and the more I feel violated and that there has been gross accounts of violations. Though the further I investigate, the further I am disgusted and revolted by everything that has transpired and the moral, ethical transgression are reprehensible.

The truth, no matter is hidden in shadows, crooks, misunderstandings, atmosphere and circumstances. Women, should never be ashamed of being sexually or otherwise, bold, assertive and even initiative. Sexuality, romance, initiative taking should be celebrated and never be punished for it. However, I feel that blurring the lines along two people in which one over the other has clear responsibilities, trust, power over in terms of potion and respect should never be allowed and should never go unpunished. I am sorry that sometimes things don't work out. It certainly is not my fault that I came along the picture. I think it's usually obvious when someone has no intention of being with you when you're ignored and blocked several months at a time. I think it's a signal to take for a woman who is seeking more out of the company of another human being. Unfortunate, we don't always do the right thing for our heart, instead get our prides stomped on and get our hearts broken in the process.

But it is despicable to assail someone's relationship, because yours failed and was doomed from the beginning that had never been taken seriously. It's also not right to continually try to make the other woman in the picture feel uncomfortable, and try to sow the sees of doubt on her mind to undermine her respect and trust towards her partner.

People sometimes, have to understand that there are loss loves and move on. The ability to move on is never easy, I should know. I understand. But by acting in vengeance towards someone who had no hand in the way the relationship begun and developed is also desperately low. I always say, reevaluating ones own emotions, thoughts and the way someone is being treated is always the key to the answer. Change is up to us and if we don't help ourselves, no one else will. Don't put yourself into that situation. Especially after a certain age, it's more than just unflattering. It's a character flaw that will lead to our eventual doom.

Maybe, Rochester?

There are many wonderful skills and all kinds of things people learn by living away from their parents. Its the first introduction to the adult world, responsibilities and the time where many late teens, young adults face consequences and learn on their own to navigate through the world of realities that different social classes, race, gender, religion has constructed over the decades of historical, social, governmental policies enacted, later supported by media and what not.

The downside is that we don't have access to that parental love, acceptance, warmth, understanding and tolerance. This is especially true for me, considering that my mother is my world and that I come from a very affectionate family where words of endearment, kisses, hugs, cuddles are of the norm, almost on a daily, if not strictly. And no matter how much I love my own space, my own time and individuality and the ability to stand on my own (at least my very best efforts to) is priceless to me, though whenever I stay too far away for too long from hugs, kisses and words of endearment I begin to show symptoms of withdrawal. I am not saying that it is a drug and that it has dependency issues (perhaps it does, and requires a thin balance that needs to be maintained at all times) it's not actually like drug dependency.

So, we have decided to go to Rochester sometime in January to see my family. S will come with me to visit, meet the rest of my family and well, make this official. Here's to good food, a loving family and an adoring boyfriend.

Be Kind, Rewind

I know, originally that this is a movie (one I quite like to be honest) but this will do, considering how appropriate this is.

Now that the dust is beginning to settle and I am getting lots of time to reflect back on the previous summer, so many mistakes emerge as much as a little bit of a smirk on my lips at my well, juggling of all the facets of reality and truth. Mostly, I am thankful for having made it through that difficult time, but I am also mad at myself for not holding tighter, trying harder and not steadily continuing to do my studies and proposed goals. I've had to put so much on hold, and then when I began to go back to the way I had set up my way, other things always came up and well it's a lot harder to do with two people than it is with one.

Never make promises you can't keep and don't believe in everyone's promise until there is some sort of effort and time being put into the realization of the said promise. Promises are easy to make, especially with others material, products, goods to give away. Its like what I always say about myself. I'm known to sometimes find small amounts of money on street sidewalks when I take long strolls. I don't use the money for any of my own personal purposes, because its someone else's money. Who knows what that money was intended for. The idea of spending someone who might have needed that money is hard to swallow, so although this isn't any more ethical, I find the best solution to give that money away to a charity. I know that this is the same thing as spending and find no ethical principals in my action. I am also not defending myself either. Obviously turning in a 5 dollar bill into the police is kind of pointless as they won't take any action to find the owner. After all, how could they? It's not like I can find the owner either. Considering that I can't spend it or deposit it to my own bank account, giving it to a homeless person or a charity seems to be the only option left that I could logically think of and morally bring myself to act upon. I am not doing any good because, it's not my money and it's not something I am giving of my own. However it is the best of the worst.

So to try to do good with what is not yours, is simply just trying to act "good", gorge on the glory that is typically awarded to those who are thought of "being good" without actually doing it within your own means, opportunities and means. The whole thing gets nullified.


For the summer, I seem to be the money that's been lost on the sidewalk and people have been trying to donate me here or there, without my "rightful owner's" permission.

A Serious Case of Mondays

Going back to work after a wonderful weekend boasted of joy and road trips, firsts and all kinds of yucky, squirmy, squishy things, going back to work and therefore reality was a hard hit to take so early in the morning and to ride the bus for 45 minutes in the cold.

I have no idea how the days will turn into nights and pull in the week to another weekend. Oh wait, I don't get to take the weekend off and work straight through.

The only first year, and all the firsts

As couples we usually never take the time to appreciate the growth of a new relationship that takes a lot of work to put together and even more work to keep it together. I've always been a firm believer of while some things may pull people together, it would need more than just a magical pull of gravity to continue to grow, foster love, patience and a healthy relationship.

In order to never forget, but to remember as we forget, here's to all our firsts.

The first time we took a road trip to anywhere was to Chicago with the good old Van Galder bus company, in the dead of the night where Chicago welcomes us in all its glory.

Here's to a year of hope, excitement, and many firsts.

Chicago

Chicago, since long ago has been romanticized in my mind and heart. I am not particularly sure where to pinpoint this romantic notion's beginnings. It would have made for a far better story. Regardless, to spend the day for a birthday celebration in Chicago, to stay at one of the best hotels we could afford with our meager student incomes and to actually take care of required, adult business was what we both needed. To get away from all the difficulties, the negativities and all the interferences we both have been trying to get over and not come in between us.

To be with you, in Chicago, with love and with every ounce of our being spent to work together for a common future where we would build the very path we would walk on and to walk on it, there is no better feeling, fulfillment and satisfaction in the world than that. To walk together, hand in hand, in the month of Christmas, where the night descends so quickly, to be lit up by trees and ornamental lights, together we flew up, up and up to the heaven where our souls merged again, to be never broken again.

Days like these, I feel as though we're invincible, and that these days won't come to pass away.

Here at the bean, the promise of love is stronger than never before.

Happy Birthday To My Love~

Back in May we already celebrated my 25th birthday, the first birthday we ever celebrated. It was the first birthday I ever had with Salih. Needless to say, it was magical, exceptional. Today, we celebrated his first birthday together, his 31st.

The setting could not have been more perfect. Surrounded by our mutual friends at a mutual friend's nuptial celebration. This could not have been planned, those simple magical moments.

Here is to a full year with love, happiness and never having to spend enduring periods of time, away from one another. Here is to all the laughter we'll have for days without an end, and all the pain we will share along the way as we help one another to keep walking when it's so much easier to play the dead King.

Here is to the gift of you being in my life, with love and the pure bliss you have brought alone with your precious smile. Here is to you stretching the boundaries of my heart to love more than I ever thought was possible. Here is to all the miracles you've brought with your scent and the comfort, security, safety I had never known before holding your hands and laying my head on against your shoulders. Here is to the inner peace you have given me, day by day as you've seeped in my blood, with each breath you've given in and out. Here is to celebrate you with all of your kindness, sincerity, your generosity, big heart and a forgiving soul that has made the world a better place.

To every year until the end of the earth, together.