Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween everyone.

Obviously, scarcely anyone ever reads these blogs, but hey. I do love Halloween and I much prefer to share it than keep it to myself. Halloween is my favorite American holiday, which each year I try to enjoy it to the fullest. It doesn't always go the way I plan, however it does improve each year, with the number of people I can share my special days with me.

Buy yourself a pumpkin spice latte at your local coffee shop, enjoy an apple pie, get some cinnamon sticks and place them on the counter top of your kitchen for a homey and festive scent. Watch lots of scary movies, perhaps even go out to trick treating and pull innocent, but scary pranks on others. Go carve a pumpkin, enjoy a corn maze, take a hay ride with the neighborhood children. Enjoy hot coca with your lover, stare up the sky and watch the stars, take the crisp fall air into your lungs...before winter's deadly spell falls on all of us.

Outside Premises.

One must get out of the house. That is my final verdict. If you knew me personally, you'd know that I am a homebody. I love taking the time to maintain and upkeep my home as much as I love to spend time on literature, politics, philosophy and myself. Way to sound narcissistic, right? At this point, it is undeniable. I take extra measures to keep my house clean, orderly and in tip top shape. I like rearranging things around, finding more creative and artistic ways to store currently unused things, display the things we have around the house, buying small things to make any place feel warmer, comfortable, homier and...well me. Believe me, when I say I take it overboard with the cleaning...

I like being home in the evenings and at night. I enjoy cooking that fabulous meal for two, four, six, or twelve. I enjoy having that meal over a glass of wine with every detail thought about before hand and all complications solved before the guests arrive. I like watching movies, scrap booking, or just doing things around the household. But for the life of me, I need to get out of the house. I need to get out of the house often. Perhaps not daily (although preferred during the days) to come home rushing, in a mood full of desire to be home, to yearning for my home. I must get out of my mental and heart's health to keep the hearth of my house burning fully and bright, passionately for many days, months and years to come. Otherwise, I grow paranoid, out of touch, my creative juices gets sucked out of me, and I begin a vicious cycle of cleaning that cannot me stopped and nothing is ever clean enough. I need to be busy, I need human interaction, see humans, walk outside on the sidewalk, greet strangers I will never see again in my life. Observe, feel alive, watch the changes of the trees, trying to reminiscence and make up my mind about the future, trying to decide the current state of my present. You know, it's often despicable.

I cannot love you fully, when imprisoned at home, because I could no longer tolerate myself. I have nothing left enough to create an awakening, losing moments of inspiration and growing outdated and dried up.

So, go ahead. Leave home. Have a job, have hobbies, make friends and take the time to do things all the way through and well. You'll be happier in the end. No man is an island itself. We all need different things from different people.

Silent Rooms

Everyone studies differently and I am no different. While I am writing stories, poems or drawing or cooking, I enjoy any kind of extra stimulation, whether it be music, movies, whatever else it may be. Studying though is a different case. It seems that I need absolutely silence in order to focus my attention on what is in front of me, in its entirety. Other wise I grow anxious, a little bit of a time bomb, and I only skim through rather than being focused on what it is that I should be focusing on, doing what I should be doing. Like now, I should be studying, taking notes, instead I am watching "The Good Wife" and writing a blog entry. Not that writing a blog entry is a bad thing, it's not. It's a positively good thing I should be doing often. Though, there is a time and place for everything. Now, I should be studying.

Being in the open study area of the libraries is not helping my cause. It is chaos here, hardly what I would be calling a library. These headphones are not doing enough to drown out the music and allowing me to focus on what is in front of me. It seems, from now on, I should be going back to my old self, studying in silent rooms or, self studies.

I thrive when I have things to do, places to be, with little on my hands, and have to make through a long time, then I soar through. Trying to fulfill all of these obligations and meet all of my responsibilities. Principals.

A Cup of Tea Under the Rain

"It's been raining unusually hard this weekend. I wonder what's going up there? It's so dark outside, the rain drops are hitting hard against our window, so there must be wind too. I can almost hear it howling. It must be chilly too, because I can't imagine getting out from this bed, where you've warmed it with all the parts of your body, separately, individually, lovingly. But, we have to get up. Breakfast feels like a chore today, and maybe we can just be out in public without much effort. I don't even feel like stepping a foot outside. I am stubborn, I want to just lay next to you.

As a last moment's thought though, I decided to pour some hot tea into a thermos, just to check it out. I didn't think we were actually going to use it. I am thankful we did. The bus ride without it would have been a drag and on the way back, I am certain we would have been frozen to our tiny toes. It warmed you up, it warmed me up, but it drew us closer, once more. It's just another act of kindness that seems to just tag you along with it to my world. The world, I had never allowed anyone else to enter into.

The satisfaction in your eyes with each drop, your fingers arching for one more cup in between the stops, with small pecks landing on my cheek as a sign of gratitude. It's difficult to forget hot warm your heart is, but there are always you amaze me how big your heart is, exploring different curves, crevasses each time. I never knew it went this deep, filled with such pure joy.

A cup of tea, means so much more to me and you then we can ever care to explain to others."

Fires of betrayal

Fire of betrayal burns bright and it keeps my eyes open late into the night. There are so many images that flies through, the words that are burned into my ears and the feeling of having been taken as a fool has etched so far into my being, for how many times in a row now that, the anger that dwells within me, this sense of unjustly, unwarranted behavior gets under my skin to my very core where I am afraid of my own thoughts of ointment and remedies. I stare at my own horrid self, unable to reconcile it with myself and afraid to pursue another step, but all of this bottling up...

I am so offended that it feels like a big gash of wound that keeps bleeding. It feels like I have this card board sign up, detailing the story of my insistence on believing rather than giving into my speculations and that that's how everyone has come to see, view and know me as. It feels like everyone has this glimpse of my past where  I am constantly judging myself and feel that others can see my heavy blackened face.

Missing: Long Walks

I'm missing the rainy seasons of October where I took long walks in the streets between the Wingra Lake and the Zoo, Monroe street and the Monroe Library I ended up, and late at night, found all these mystic signs I interpreted that I was going to get better, I was healing and that regardless of my age, a good future was waiting for me. The nights where I could not get home soon enough from the day, night and go out to my wilderness to come face myself, reality, failures and acceptance of the miserably fallen self that had isolated myself so much that the only voices I heard of mine own, inside my own head. The breeze by the lake, the bicycle bells walking up and down the slight hill and the wooded areas most avoid, I took sanctuary in their bays, coves and darkness.

Happy Eid

Happy Eid everyone. I hope everyone is able to see at least partially their family and friends, able to enjoy some time off with loved ones, sneak in extra few hours of sleep and remove all reservations about delicious fall treats.
Also, don't forget to donate clothes, hygiene boxes, non-perishable food and blankets to the homeless.

Library Gossip

Recent trips to the library has spurred many different kind of blog posts. Sitting in and sharing a table with supposed geeks has opened my eyes to into new worlds. The whispers and the conversations I have witnessed are rather gruesome, cruel, amusing and a little bewildering. Sometimes, it's a little surprising to hear what comes out of the mouths of twenty some year olds. Sometimes, they say the most expected things, and yet to hear it such bluntly to confirm the rumors is a little unsettling.

But, in order to keep up with the recent ins and outs, some library gossip seems to be in order.

Night Studying

I haven't had one of these in a very long time. Too long to be honest. It's always one thing, if not the other. Distractions are endless and my laziness and irresponsibility knows no bounds. But it's good now that I am out here in a library, with no distraction other than my own deviousness that's holding me back. However, it's good to be here, at least making an attempt. It's better than nothing at all, hopefully becoming my saving grace after the time I woke-up. There has been some solemnity that I have always admired about the night, which has propelled me to study further in the past. I hope that it still possess its old charm and power over me that it used to. I really desire to get through my list of things I really should get over.

hmm

Well, it hasn't quite been a year yet. But, I want to thank you for being in my life. You have entirely changed me and my life. You have become the light of my life.
To many more days...

Rainy Sundays

"It's one of those lazy Sundays...actually, ever since I meet you, I wonder if we've had a Sunday, that isn't inherently a lazy Sunday?

Getting up early has never been a strong suit of yours though. But that's okay. After a long night of tasks, chores and work, we deserve to sleep in. We are, after all human. The physical work eventually needs to balance itself out with physical rest. I love our late night talks that keeps us up, too. I deem that an essential for the relationship between you and I to work. I love the way we roll out of bed with eyes barely opened, hair tossed to all sides and our pajamas are never on quite right. Our breakfast rituals are always invigorating and amusing. That's when we really wake up. It's a rainy Sunday in October anyhow love. You've had a long week, what's a couple more extra hours of sleep in bed with me? Let's go back to bed."

When You're Home...

It's a little past two-thirty in the morning, where we are. In a bliss, we're both working away. You have grading to do, I have many things to catch up. Considering the months of neglect, well, I'll be trying to catch up with the rest of my life. The peaceful silence in the room, the tea pot's hissing sound on the stove, the shuffling of the papers, your sighs and confused looks on just how to grade these papers. The lamp by the wall adjacent to the kitchen is on. The third bulb has gone out and you seem nestled by the table so comfortably, it could be your office. You look serious, concentrated and happy. You're thinking, two birds with one stone. I am home, I came home early, we ate dinner, we had our tea and I am also doing work. What more can I ask? Silently we work away in the peace and solidarity we've found in our little home together.

Warmth has been the new theme of my life with you in it...

Touching Affections

I never estimated the physical contact between couples (I still don't. Like my previous entry, I am always trying to stay focused on myself, though sometimes I stray). I never knew the importance of physical contact between couples until recently and, well, let me tell you. It could make the world go around or crumble it to pieces and make it rain on top of our head. And when I mean physical contact, get your mind out of the gutter and think of things like hugging, kissing, holding hands and cuddling.

When we're not smiling as much, or our mood seems to be off in the mornings to our partner, if we aren't as receptive (or just even perceived that way), if we don't kiss goodbye or hello, if we are not holding hands walking out the street, or not taking that extra five minutes to cuddle, snuggle and say good mornings, it can and does, though I am not entirely sure about the should part of this sentence, causes panics and stifles the good mood of the other person, namely your partner. A little awkward and seems like such a heavy baggage to carry everyday, but it is what it is.

When we are mad, angry, feeling isolated, closed off, we desire their touch mostly, but also we don't want to be touched by them the most. When we want to show our attitude and that we're feeling hurt, we avoid having physical contact with out lovers, and sometimes our whole day goes the wrong way when we find the other person is cold towards us, leaving us puzzled and with many question marks as to why and since when?

Desperate Loneliness

When I am looking back to my recent past and to a more further, later to a distant past, I've always had some sort of understanding of the terms alone and lonely. I don't think I've come to separate them until I've moved to Madison though. In my realization I've been making as of late, perhaps more recently than that is that I have tasted long durations of loneliness and I have felt them thoroughly. However, I don't think I was ever desperately lonely such as the several extreme cases I have come to witness in the month of September and to a certain point in October. I have some opposing ideas about it and I wonder which one will win at the end of my own experiences in life. I guess I'll have to wait (hopefully for a very long time) to know the answer.

I may have never been desperately lonely because of what I like to think is my super power. My imagination and my ability to adapt quite easily (sometimes, too easily). Both are in everyone and part of human nature I like to think that I make far more uses of it than the average Joe, or Jane sitting next to me, sipping that overly priced glass of Red Merlot. I had a wonderful family as a child and even some friends. Regardless of all of that, somehow there is this deeply made impression of even a deeper feeling of loneliness that paints my childhood. I am not sure why, considering I had a brother as a playmate, which we played together all the time. I had cousins and I even had friends. I must have not had very deeply connected and made friendships then to have survived my initial reaction of my deeply painted impression. Let's move forward to Rochester, where I was always around people and in high school I had two close friends whom I spent time frequently with. I had a series of boyfriends and having a large number of admirers was something I never lacked (even though, I really am not everyone's cup of tea). However, these were always cushioned by having a supportive mother who was always there to guide me to the best of her abilities and even if I did not make great friends perhaps along every route I chose to take, I did have friends and acquaintances that has always slowly chipped away the loneliness I might have been. I believe it was more along the lines of not having someone to express my inner emotions, thoughts, feelings and someone I made very deep connections with. It was a settling down, (probably in their case too, people to ease our loneliness and send some time interacting with other humans) and choosing the lesser of the two evils kind of a thing.

Then, I moved out to Madison and meet with hopeless loneliness. To my surprise, I adapted to this very well. I was so very lonely, without a tight knit group of friends, any kind of support group here, or anyone to share all the dwelling feelings deep inside of me that has made my soul their dark harbor and I slowly began to rot away in order to experience a rebirth on it's own right (more on that on another entry).  I don't think I have ever been lonelier in my life than my first two and a half, almost three years in Madison. My voice fell on my then bare white walls and my own deaf ears. I moved on from the comfort and luxury of having friends and family in the near vicinity and focused solely on myself and my life goals. I can't say I have been able to achieve them entirely with concrete, physical evidence, though the personal growth I have gone through is tremendous and visible to anyone who has been in my life even  as short as three years. Imagine the difference you could see if you had been in my life longer than that. I had lots of time in my hands to focus on myself and moved on. I made some big decisions, I backed them up as I continued falling down frequently and eventually came to an understanding, created my own system for doing things and thoroughly got to the core of myself. Though I am not entirely satisfied with myself, I have begun and understanding relationship that allowed me to know where to kick, punch, stroke, gaze or love. It also knows when to forget and the moments to push myself just a little further. I had myself, my thoughts, desires, my books and a whole bunch of empty notebooks that stared back at me both glaringly and pleadingly. Courage I said, though I have none of it, I plunged and dragged my butt to today.

I have so much more growing left to do. I have only begun to scratch the tip of the ice burg. But, I understand what loneliness means. I was luckily able to transfer loneliness to alone time where I have embraced it with its disadvantaged and have come to terms with it by accepting the truth about myself and my own circumstances and even come to love it. I developed a distaste for overcrowded places, unneeded people in my life, a simpler, quieter life where I fulfilled my own needs and limited my human interaction to a minimum, by choice which I fully enjoyed when the time came.

So, I understand loneliness, I thoroughly do. I've been there and done that, for years, many years in fact. I am happy and prayful that I never actually go through a phase where I am desperately lonely where I seek the comfort of anyone and everyone, who is willing to be there, talk to me, to ease the loneliness out of me, settling outside of my own principals and standards where I will come to regret such actions and associations at a later point in my life. The people in your life should not be people who you admire to have, though for whatever reason cannot gain them so and in return you settle down to people who are okay with your existence in their lives and you are okay with their existence in your life, though they are not preferred.

Salih the Scientist

I never thought I'd fall for a Scientist. It always felt far outside of my jurisdiction that I wouldn't be able to connect, understand, keep him interested in me enough and keep myself interested in him long enough to bud and grow a relationship. After all, how much could I have in common with a Scientist? Science, though as interesting as it may be, has never been something I am great at, and to be frank, something I know very little about.

A writer, a poet, a historian, a teacher, a painter, a dancer and the list goes on. I always thought I'd end up with someone from the infinite list of social science or humanities section of working life. It just made sense, consider since those are the areas I am in, eventually I'd meet someone in that line of work and yada, yada, yada. You know how straight logic works.

Salih, though is a scientist, one that is absolutely brilliant in my eyes. Again, I don't know much about science. But, it's hard not to like science around him. He talks of his experiments, of the literature he's recently read, of the grand ideas he has, his expectations and he talks in such an animated voice with light that literally beams out of the apples of his eyes. His coarse voice is happy. The corners of his eyes have crumpled, wrinkled and though, nothing but his pupils peers out, they've enlarged enough to pull you into them and make you listen to him for hours and hours about well, reactions, balanced equations and the crystal structures that I absolutely have no idea about.

He loves it so much that he is willingly to put up with any harsh treatment, difficult conditions and even all the obstacles his Professor throws in front of him, quite selfishly might I add? I love his determination, his ability to strive far and everything he has done to achieve them. He puts in long hours, endures through the stress and handles well enough with the disappointments of his experiments not working all the time. Though he never loses heart, he continues on trying to figure out the problem, trying the next best thing and moving on, walking on strongly, determined and motivated on the path he has chosen and to get to the one he would like to be on. I have such deep respect and such admiration for him that, sometimes it is difficult to explain and I just get left behind in awe, watching his back.

Does it matter what he does, as long as he does it so well, with a heart full of passion and with determination that seems to sings in his very soul that is very clear to even a non-believer? Honest job, for an honest man :)

EID

Eid is ten days away and counting. There are little sparks of anticipation and excitement growing within. I hope this Eid can have the chance to be better than the last Eid, given that it falls at least on the weekend. I'll have to clean, cook and have people over :)
To Eid!

Alone Nights

Though, I used to like alone nights much more when I had not meet you, I usually seem to dread them now. There are many reasons, biggest one in the list would be the sound of your laugh and the light in your eyes. They can still be good...sometimes (rarely).

Sometimes though, it is exactly what we need. Some alone time at night to get to the things we haven't been able to get to during the day. A little unwinding, perhaps with a glass of wine for me, (usually this means you're working and I am writing, catching up on house chores and some paper work) some time to think, room to breathe and renewal of perspectives and making sure we perceive our relationship still, healthy and happy as day one. Also, as humans, we all need one of those nights, where we can barely bear our own mind and conscious, dealing with another human being seems out of question and out of our boundaries of capabilities.

Here I am, laying on our bed, kind of moping around wishing you were here. Now that it's over midnight, my heart is racing a little bit more hoping, you'll come home soon, within the next three hours. There is a lot on my mind today, I seem to be writing away, though I am not sure how effective it is tonight. But at least, I am getting things done and with you around, I am not sure if that would have been a possibility. The tea in my cup has grown lukewarm by now, the candle has burnt away to it's thread and my heart is still full of you, you linger around, as if you were here with your phantom laughs, I can smell your cologne from here and the anticipation of you unlocking the door any minute now.

So the premises have been drawn as the following:
Even when I am fully aware of you having gone,
being required to be elsewhere,
where I fully support you,
where I must do my own bidding for my own fare,
where I needed some time alone and apart
the left side of me misses you.

The silence was something both I craved deeply and when I had too many hits of it in a row, has always made me melancholy since my childhood. I guess, some feelings never go away, no matter how old you grow.

Decided

I've decided that this weekend, no matter what, I am going to put my thoughts into decisions and my decisions into actions. I am going to get my sweet, not to little butt up and do the things I've been wanting to, dragging Salih along with me. We're going to get up, we're going to get our shopping done, we're going to get to our respective list of things to do and we're going to discover parts of Madison that I have been itching to discover with him.

Then, starting Monday, those things that needed to be sold by now, are going on Craigslist and I am going to the Federal buildings that I needed to go and find out the answers to our questions for us to move forward in our relationship. I am also going to find ways to get out of the rut that I have been and slowly over come the obstacles that feels taller than my entire height and double that about four times. Nothing will ever go away nor any problem get solved on its own. So, ready or not, here I come!

Friday Traditions

It's been nearly six months since we've begun this relationship. To be honest, I am not sure why I am writing this on here instead of in my journal where nobody besides me ever takes an interesting in that thing. But, my blog tab was open and I am too lazy at 11:14 on a Friday night to get off from my currently very comfortable bed, find my journal and write on it. Besides I have other topics on my mind to write about in my journal.

Back to where I was...It has been nearly six months since we've begun our relationship. We begun it quite happily, haphazardly, head first, head over heels in love. I think, there is very little I could complain about this relationship if I really wanted to. But I don't want to, so. But one of the many good points of our relationship is our Friday traditions. I am not sure how, when and where it began, but it began and developed quite unconsciously. I am counting my lucky stars that it has. There is an unspoken tradition between the two of us that seems to work like clock work. We both individually might be busy, sometimes the other might be busier. But it seems to work out that, no matter what, in what kind of a blindingly chaotic schedule we might be up keeping, we always meet for dinner on Fridays. Even if it's for a short while and we both have to separate our ways and do different things (i.e. he might go back to the lab to work some more and I might have to meet friends or decide to spend the entire Friday night at the library or something along those lines) we take the time to see one another on Fridays so that at least we know we've made the effort to spend some quality time in the beginning of he weekend. Let's be honest, between his demanding Professor and the things I want to accomplish, we don't always get to spend our weekends the way we would like to. At least, this guarantees us that we've spent some time together and we won't have any regrets (at least about not seeing each other)  even if all else goes down the crap chute.

I love the fact that we've slowly began our own traditions, in our own ways, some spoken, many unspoken. I take comfort in the fact that we've silently have come to agreements, conclusions and made silent pacts, deciding on things naturally, mutually and have continued them with minimal to no effort. To Friday Traditions...

News

Well, they are not any worthy news to anyone else but me. But life is a little slower, a little crueler and a little more depressing as of late. I don't know what it is, but I just cannot get myself to get off the bed and join the rest of the humanity. Every night, I keep saying, today is the last night. Tomorrow morning I will wake up early to a never fulfilled promise.

As if that isn't enough, things have gone from worst to horrendous. I don't know how we're going to manage from here on out. The whole family is in shambled, everyone's got their own difficulty and we unite in our sadness, misery and failure. It's like there is some sort of a gray cloud that by destiny it has been promised to us, to rain, no matter what, only upon our family and we are visited, and visited often at that. I wonder when we'll straighten our backs.

Everyone is fed up, exhausted, pushing the edges of their patience, tolerance and sympathies before we all turn into Agnostics with streaks of blue rebellion.

I Understand

We all have difficulties in our lives. Our own obstacles to come over, our own nightmares to shed light to, our own fears to keep walking towards until the conflict is resolved. But, to call upon your friend only when you desire their help, certain set of skills, or need the guidance or power of their certain beliefs, words, habits then you should be ashamed of yourself. It's only normal to seek out a friend in the time of your need, emergencies, but if that's all your friendship has come to, I am sorry to say, but you should reconsider it and your friend is not dumb. She clearly sees this and answers your prayers in such a way.

Decisions, Decisions

I am glad at least I am making the smallest changes, the smallest move forward a future. Though, it's just not enough. The wheels in my mind has started turning, that is true. Though they are not enough to put me to action. There is something disabling me and I have to figure that out. What is it that is bounding me to home and that is corrupting my own beliefs and path? Soul searching time it is for me and one I should relish in it, until I am better again.

Time waits for no one, but it's always worth to wait for things that are better in life and as always, nothing comes without a price. As my mother, that price includes waiting ridiculous amounts of time for the things I desire to have within my reach. Certain destinies are inheritable I suppose.

Individual Happiness

I really should start thinking about changing my major to psychology and something concerning human sexuality. Though these two disciples are the endless suppliers of my imagination, curiosity and fascination, I don't think I could ever explain what I do to a Turkish community.

Obviously, I am now armed with more knowledge than I ever could think to amass, though it certainly isn't anywhere near enough with what I would like to achieve. But, looking back though, I am always surprised at myself what I knew through instincts and observation alone and to what I should have known, but didn't even when provided with the information.

I am glad I had been thinking of this way for the past five years of myself. In any given healthy and normal relationship, it's only expected and again, quite normal to turn to your partner of a long time to seek some sort of support, understanding, care and even dependence. Though I don't like to call this entirely a dependence, since as human beings, we're created to depend on others for our survival. We are social animals and take us from a group, a civilization, we lose some of our abilities and suffer great psychological disorders under stress and isolation. We were meant to be mingling with out kinsmen. Regardless though, it is also important to make yourself happy first, so that you can make your partner happy and you can be happy in a relationship as a couple. No matter how much you believe the moods and the life of our significant other does not effect us, it does and it should. If the other person is not happy, you begin to lose the happiness you have at the moment (whether it is from the inability to share it, or whatever else it may be) which eventually effects the way you two are together. This has been demonstrated to me once more as a reminder.

As an individual, I must do what makes me happy and do the things that I must to be a more ground, more healthy individual who can commit the time and put in the effort to have a growing, prosperous and a healthy relationship. If I am not healthy, what I give to the other person then, also is not healthy. Together, we rot away as a result.

I must wake up, we must do our dishes, and during the day we must go about our own business in pursuit of our passions, our dreams and the things that makes us click in all the right ways. The things that emotionally, mentally and psychologically stimulate us. Then we must have a safe haven where we can share those stimulation, the accumulations of the day to teach one another and indulge in the fantasies and the world of the other.

However, if we do not possess a world of our own, in which we are the rulers, or co rulers, or however you would like to hierarchically organize your world, in which your happiness can be individually obtained, where your solemn happiness is only dependent on the other person, it is going to be a long road and a heavy burden for you, for him and for your relationship. No one can carry that for too long, not well enough anyway.

I must be happy myself, for your sake.

XX Time

On the topic of acquaintances, it's also important to talk about same sex friendships that lasts over a long time. I am not sure why there are a lot of stereotyping about women who can't stay friends with one another for too long, for whatever trivial or purposeful reason, while men supposedly can. In my experience, there are people who does not value their friendship in general. People come and go from their lives when the time is up, or when their "usefulness" has been tested and now found no longer useful material. Some people value their friendships, and in return find people who also value friendships and believe that no good deed should go without being appreciated. That being sad, hence friendships are two-way streets and not everyone enters each friendship in such a mental state that over time,through circumstances and the business of life eventually erodes most of our friendships. This is expected, understood and even encouraged to learn many different things from different kinds of friends in our lives. Sometimes, people are just toxic and it is better to be rid of such "friends" from our lives, for the sake of our mental and physical health. Not keeping everyone of our friends is not something that is only bound to our gender. In fact, I think, it has very little to do with gender, but it has everything to do with our personalities.

That being said, as a woman, I cannot stress enough the purpose, significance and the role of women and their friendships in our lives. Sunday, was a great beginning for that, for me. It's been a long time that I had enjoyed the company of women this much, especially women whom I wanted to spend time with. As I grow older, I've come to appreciated the "girl time" as we commonly describe, more than before. I am not sure why, I didn't grow up in a particularly XY dominated household. However, I have always felt closer to my male friends and I've always had mainly male friends whose friendships I've cherished over long periods of time, withstanding the stormy weather of growing pains and changing lives. In my 25 though, things are not so different, but my perspective is slowly changing and how I am perceiving the world and these friendships are also incrementally changing by the experiences I am currently going through.

Maybe it's the common experiences of being a woman, or the expectations of eventually going through similar experiences that bonds us together. Perhaps, through cultural constructivism we learn to value similar things, assess similar worth to certain things, people, situations and learn to perceive the world from similar vantage points that our bonding and perhaps the dissolution of such bonds becomes inevitable. There is no such rule saying that all acquaintances grows into friendships and no rule saying all friends will stay with us for the rest of our lives, and neither should it. But it is imperative to find a good group of girlfriends whom you can count on for certain types of support at the very least.

A brunch with girls was on Sunday, one I immensely enjoyed and could not wait to come back to his arms. One we talked about things you could only talk with women, unsolicited, without being grimaced at and finding disturbed looks, or inability to understanding due to very basic biological differences. It's difficult to be a woman, but it's easier with girlfriends.

So I plan to do these brunches with the girls, once a month.

Acquiantances...

With the new found power and courage my mother has kindly bestowed on me, I have decided to take some action and turn a loss into a gain.  I took some time to think and came to the realization that though I've had much unfortunate incidents this summer, I have also gained some invaluable insights and have also gained some acquaintances that I did not have before. Developing relationships and bonds are not only important for us as individuals, obviously it is also important to me for two other reasons. First, demonstrable lessons and outings I will need in order to catch a breath and have some time off. Secondly, as a writer I realize even more so now than ever before, I need to interact with more friends, more people and different kinds of people in order to be inspired, understand and gain insight into the human psyche.

In Sickness

I knew it. Yesterday I woke up early, took a shower and got the place ready for Chelsea. It was cold, the heat is still not on in our place by the way and  I was freezing the whole day. Then I had to run errands and later we were out, it was even colder and for some reason, I don't think I was wearing proper coat and what not. Before we even came back home, I felt the sting of fever, I was a little chilly at the same time, my throat felt itchy and my nose was running and I had that cough that I actually could not cough out. We came home, and all went to hell. It got bad pretty quickly afterwards. My whole body aches and is in pain simultaneously. It hurts all over and I am pretty sure I cried yesterday night, calling out for my mommy.

I haven't missed being sick one bit. >.<

The Great Dane

I had barely went to "The Great Dane" downtown as an individual, though it was our first time as a couple there. I had missed going there and eating. First of all, they make their own brew. Yum and secondly they have awesome food. Though it can quickly turn into a bar after hours, there is always something calm about the place which makes me feel like I've been living in Wisconsin my entire life. The best part? Well, the best part is that, that place is no longer associated with anyone else. It's good to be erasing some memories to make new ones. I guess some stuff can be forgotten.

Now that we have "The Great Dane" off our list, I wonder where we should go next Friday?

Mama Power?

After that talk with my mother, I feel a little better. I didn't obviously discuss everything that has been bugging me. But, there is something about mothers and their abilities to encourage their children to strive to do better and when the child is willing, to pull them out of the mud, rut or whatever the hell the child is in, and pull them out.
My mother, with her sweet words and gentle face, with soft spoken words and even a silkier voice is usually able to calm me down, quell my fears and whisper the pain away. She has magical abilities I presume, I will also inherit once I become a mother myself. But what she has is more than what all the other mothers has out there. Hers are powered by instinct, like most others. But she has over the yeas honed her skills, she has grown as a person which has affected the ways she has grown as a mother, a care giver. She's polished her God-given abilities and added new items to her arsenal that she didn't possess already. Still, to this day, she doesn't give up, hoping to get more ammunition in the way she faces the world, she greets others into her life and the way she deals with, shall we say, obstacles and people in her life?

My mother has sacrificed much to get to where she has gotten today. She has toiled away permanently in a hostile environment, battling instability, turmoil, turbulent hatred.She is the wisest person I know. Never tugging, pushing, squeezing. Though she had learned much about that too, I presume while raising us. I don't ever think we were one of those kids classified as "easy kids" though my mother is bent on saying that to everyone she knows.

Her sincerity, and her ability to think outside of the box has always allowed me to come to a new conclusion by myself. Though, I am not as great as she is in the action department, she motivates me to the edges of earth, pushing me further than anyone else. I have always had her support (though it wasn't always this easy). I have inherited much from her, thus I should be more thankful (though, I hardly am). She just shows a path, a path that wasn't there before. Somehow, after a long, heartfelt conversation though, I nearly always can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Rediscover the strength with in, huh? Mother?

Thank you.

Stumbling

I feel disconnected from the rest of the world. It feels like there are those things that are ripped out open from me, silently and I am just realizing now. Understanding what exactly it is and why are out of my reach. Have I succeeded at isolating myself once more? Have I gone off the wagon once more, pushed myself into that dark, unreachable place where I am out of touch, out of sight, out of mind and unable to even pick myself up? I don't want to go down this path. I don't want to go down this road because it's not good for me. I want changes and I want to materialize my dreams, goals, finally succeeded into getting where I feel like what I deserve. I want to be happy for myself, so that in return I can also make you happy. I want you to enjoy your time together and strengthen our relationship together. I feel tired, worn out, I don't want to stumble anymore. I just need to get back out there. I need to make decisions and stop being hesitant about them, rather make haste. My life needs to get going.

"For the Sake of Us"

I should be a relationship expert, really. Jokes aside, I do feel that I can prosper and be happy within a relationship, given in that relationship the person I am with is Salih. I've never had such an experience within a relationship; though it is very true that I have grown, changed and learned a few things along the way, the biggest difference maker is, in my belief is Salih. It's because he wants this relationship to be different, he is willing to do things, try them differently and put in the effort and sacrifice his time for the sake of our relationship. Most importantly, he values this relationship, treasures the bond we have so carefully created and have fostered until today, and he deems this relationship as the most significant relationship he has ever went through. He does things because he wants to. He is willing to listen and he is not afraid of his emotions. He is more than willing to open up everything that is in his heart. We now do things, for our relationship, not our individual perspective on life solely. There is a we, we constantly strive for an US and hope that the future brings us even a bigger, more meaningful happiness than the one we experience today. We are committed and feel responsibility and though nothing in our relationship is perfect, we do our best to make the other happy, without walking on eggshells.

I always knew I was capable of such lengths, I just never had anyone bring it out so much before. Also, no one else had turned towards me so completely that I could also completely, without any resent, any shame, any anger could turn towards them and embrace them so wholly.

First Day of the Month

Today is October first. To many, this does not mean anything. For me, it means many things though. It's a Monday. I wonder how often that happens? What you may ask, how often a month begins on a Monday in a given year? I should look that up, though I seem to be too preoccupied to answer that, or even give the effort it requires.

I did everything I wanted to yesterday. Given that I finished last month the way it deserved to, this means that I could begin this month ready to tackle it down. I can get what I need to do, keep that determination and catch up on all the things that require my immediate assistance.

October is the month I want to break my cycle of laziness, slumber lust and just a haze of irresponsibility that I seem to be endowed with. I want to end all of that, go back to full time writing, make my decisions and follow up on them through the actions they require, however many pronged steps they may be. I want to create a routine and follow it, endlessly, all the time, without many deviations, getting things on done, when they need to be, on time, during the time I had allotted to them. I want to feel like I serve some sort of purpose again and that I am not a complete waste of energy, space and oxygen when these three things are growing scarcer by the day.

October, be the luck that I need. Bring me the determination I seem to be losing overnight.

Also, October is the month of Halloween, well, we all know my obsession with Halloween, don't we? Halloween decorations, crazy colors, and a good night to remember it all. Don't forget to watch scary movies!

I have hope for you October!