Emotional Weariness

I had to think about that title for a while. I knew exactly what I wanted to say in Turkish, though translation into English, the more proper way to express my emotions took a while. A little longer than I had originally presumed.

This past weekend was more than what I had vouched for. It was more intense than anything I could have imagined or conjured up from the dormant desires of my blackened soul. Some fights, regardless of what the popular notion is, can be useful and can build up on a relationship. Although, generally negative and I tend to want to avoid all sorts of fights, sometimes they are necessary to remove build up tension, get rid of bad blood, get the truth out in the open. Though negative in nature, with the right circumstances and emotions, it can be converted into something positive.

Regardless though, it is a tiring process that leaves me sapped out. I don't have the energy to get up in the morning, no matter how early I've gone to bed the previous night. The whole day, all I want to do is just lounge around and day dream about all the things I have not achieved, things I had always taken for granted and always thought I would end up with, no matter what.

I am emotionally tired. Very tired. It feels like I had emptied everything that was inside of me. All of my thoughts that had ever passed by, or I thought up. Everything I had ever felt, all the built up tension, anger, disillusionment, disgraces, hatred, hurt or pain. It's like they've rolled onto a one hot ball that was chained to my chest, searing through my flesh, I gorged it out, leaving me in agony and in withdrawl. Now, it feels like there is nothing there. Some sort of emptiness I am not quite used to. This should be a familiar thing though, however, it feels like that was in such a distant past that I can't even relate to anymore. With the bad, all the positive also gorges out. All the good things I had accumulated throughout the years, they too leave me. My dignity, my honor, my respect, the calmness I had learned to cultivate after so many years. The patience I was testing out. They are also out in the open now, floating in the open air. Maybe, the molecules will somehow end up back inside of me, where they belong--at least partially.

The days start off late, I could never get everything in it's entirety done. There is always something else missing, something I've forgotten. The worst yet is that it is not consistent. While one day may be better than the other, in terms of getting things done and having some of my determination having returned, the next day though, is even emptier than the previous day, with no determination left and all of my motivation have been sucked dry out of me.

So what to do when you are emotionally weary...this weary at least that while you're struggling to survive through another day? When you have so much to do, so much to put into order and organize your life something into a functioning societal acceptance? You know you must, yet, there is just not enough effort going into it, and nothing in the world seems to make you want to achieve this desired goal?

Sleep it off probably sounds like the worst idea I could conjure up as a remedy. At this point though, to sleep until the weariness slowly wears off, and the day, at which point, whenever I end up waking up and make the best of it. At least to give me enough thrill to continue to want to change things the next day enough, to put me in a regular schedule that will leave me with a sweeter after taste rather than the bitter one.