Last Day of the Month

It's finally here. It's a Sunday. Lazy Sunday as usual for us. But, I got all of my cleaning down, made some food, took good care of myself.  Laundry is done too, they just have to be dried, ironed and folded, put back to their proper places. It's also the end of the month. The first month where I finally got the things I needed to done on time for a Sunday, preparing for the new month.
Needless to say today is Sunday. also my day of cleaning, self care and to unwind. A day, for the first time in a long time where I have accomplished all of that on a Sunday as I had desired to do so for the entire summer and the month of September without much luck. This means, I finished the month the way I had desired to end. Clean, happy, and ready to tackle on a new month.
October, here I come!

Organix

Recently, I've been trying the Organix Argan oil shampoo, conditioner, the oil itself and the hair mask. I had never given Organix a chance before, due to it being outside of the bounds of my budget. I still have two more pieces to get from the line to complete the set and see the real change with it's entirety. But I have to say, this shampoo is amazing. The whole line of what I have tried as of yet is amazing to be honest. The shampoo makes my hair soft, brings my curls up and leaves my hair looking shiny, healthy. I thought Tresemme was great. These are so much better for your hair then anything within the bounds of my budget. Well worth the money. I am thinking of trying out the other lines as well within Organix, though we'll see how quickly I run out of the other stuff. I don't like to mix things too much.

Late Nights

I know,  I shouldn't. But I can't help it. It's late, again, and I miss you. You're not home, because you're studying the night away, trying to deserve each penny that you earn, because of your commitment and responsibility to me. I wish I could do something to change it. I should get back to my own things, but, instead at night, I miserably look at the clock and wish you were home.

I need to put an order into things.

Neighborhood Coffee Shops

Why is it so important to have a good neighborhood coffee shop?

Well, I assume the answer changes for everyone. For me though, that means I can go out for a light walk and end there or, begin my walk there without having to stray too far. Or that means when I need a short (sometimes long escape from reality, home and perhaps those around me) I could go there to unwind and ignite my imagination or let it all out like this. It has a good environment, atmosphere, cool people that hangs around, like a warm and cozy home, where you don't have to pay the bills, or clean the place up though. It's like a piece of yourself that you left a long time ago, and just now coming around to having found it once more. It make the neighborhood a little bit more friendly, a little bit more homey and me a little bit happier.

It's a home that isn't too far away from home. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone else but me?

Unhappiness

I wonder what is going on, though I probably do know exactly what is going on. I've always said it, I've lived it, I am now even reading about it via different websites and research.

The past few days I've been so extremely pessimistic, unhappy and desperately hopeless. It feels like I've trapped myself in this cage and this violent circle of nonexistent success that is out of my reach wherever I go, whatever I try. It just is an illusion to me and it eludes me at the cost of the universe it feels like.

I shouldn't feel unhappy at this stage in my life. Considering everything I have at this moment, I should be overjoyed, ecstatic and counting my blessings. I shouldn't stop to see the signs of unhappiness, yet I do.  I guess, knowing yourself and the circumstances you belong to can be a curse. I had never thought it to be so, as to me that was always a blessing, something I had trained myself for, for years.

Why is there this feeling of unsettling inside? Why is it that I feel like I am on the verge of crying everyday, tattering away disappointment and this hatred of self, of world. Why am I snappy, emotional when I shouldn't be? Wake up, wake up, wake up. Look around you and see the things you can do still...yet that seems to be no avail as I want to sleep away the day.

I need to stop this, though I have no idea why.

Autumn...

It's slowly growing colder here. The leaves have started to change all of their colors in the last week that, even I couldn't keep up. It's also harder to keep up with them from the other side of the window, just staring out instead of feeling the fall down in my bone marrow.

I have to feel the Fall, I have to walk under it, in it, be surrounded by it to fall into the magic and for it to make miracles happen to me. Because, unless you take an active role in anything, no magic can ever happen by sleeping, or hoping some sort of miracle just happened. Action is the key role, key verb and the key strategy here. Though, I doubt, any kind of action would bring happiness, no action though is also a big no-no.

I love seeing all the warm, cozy and enchanting colors of the Fall. Every time, each year, it takes my breath away, sincerely and entirely. I like the wind to slash through my cheeks, reddening them with each step and slowly seeping all the way down to my bones, where I feel the chill right inside of me, I understand the Fabric of Time and the Cloth of Space. It is the time I feel most alive. The moon appears brighter and life, just ever so more delicate, reminding me, none of us are here to stay. We just take turns, guarding several things at once while succeeding and other times we also fail. I like hearing the noise the old, yellowed leaves makes under my feet. I like seeing them piled on front yards. The kid in me screams, "what are you waiting for, jump!" Most of the time, I listen to that voice. Getting soaked in the fall could lead to serious health problems later on, but nonetheless, each time, I want to take that long walk under the rain and get soaked till my socks. I feel as though my sins can be washed away with each drop, leaving me innocent, yearning and desiring once more.

Autumn, pumpkin spice lattes, apple cinnamon lattes, with it's muffins, cakes and what not is a must for the joy of the world.

Tuvalu

I know, I know, another entry regarding a coffee shop? But this just cannot be helped. Yesterday, we went apple picking. See the previous blog about that entry please to see how it went. But,what I deliberately left off from that entry was the rediscovering of Tuvalu that I had forgotten about.

After our apple picking had sadly come to an end, our day outdoors finished and we sought warm shelter, warm coffee and a cozy atmosphere to gulp down the goodies I had made. Then lo and behold, what did we walk into, Tuvalu! It was a coffee shop that I had came to long ago, my first year in Madison, first Fall to be correct. I had went there with someone else, who is totally irrelevant today. Regardless, I was happy to stumble upon this place once more. I was charmed by it, though I was unable to enjoy it wholly the last time I was there, the people you are with, makes a great difference to how you perceive your environment. I hadn't taken the time to commit to memory what the name was, and I felt like this place was forever lost to me, until it stood right before me that Sunday. Ah, God is looking out for me I wanted to cry out at that moment.

Tuvalu is a bit far off and I could never get there without the aid of a car. It has however, charmed by my and Salih's heart to the core. It's such a sweet place with so much to look around and keep you distracted should you want that, or to settle down into a long, deep conversation with anyone willing.

A must go in Madison WI.

Apple Picking

On Saturday, September 23rd, a whole load of us fit ourselves into three cars and went to Fitchburg to pick apples, right from the trees. Of course, as always the mastermind of this event relies wholly on none other than myself. I am proud of that too!

I can't remember the last time I went, but I remember it being thoroughly fun and let's get honest, it's good to spend time outdoors, especially before it gets to chilling colds, blizzards and snow storms. Besides, it's the Fall. It's like a heavenly order to go apple picking in Mid-West in Autumn. You just cannot deny that fact. It's a like a bonding exercise as well. I think we spent several hours out in the orchard, picking up apples, raspberries, and if you were Salih, taking a nap on the green grass like you had no care in the world. I think he needed the carefree hours after the difficult week he had at school and his experiments. I think it's tough work being a scientist, with not being able to produce a result whenever you want to. It must be tiring. Well, that's besides the point. I got all of my hyper emotions out, all the energy that needed draining and got my wish fulfilled. The ability to spend some quality time, out in the open, without being chained to home. A weekend well spent if you ask me :)

Apple picking is a must!

Electric Earth

A few weeks ago, as I was scavenging for FEDEX to send my mom's forgotten luggage back to her, I had stumbled upon a coffee shop I had never heard of before. I made notice of where it was and then continued on my search to find the place. Much time passed when I was a little desperate, a little unhappy and a little out of it, wandering through for a little way out. Then I once again stumbled upon this coffee shop. It was like an epiphany happened. I entered into the lair and welcomed a new coffee shop to my ever growing list of them.

Electric Earth coffee shop has just become my new favorite neighborhood coffee shop. I've had the unfortunate events of moving and ever since then, I've been trying to find my new place. I believe, I may have just found it. It's probably one of the rare breeds of lager coffee shops in Madison ( for some reason they seem to be running away from me) with a nice group of regulars. The people who come here seems to be mostly students, professors, or people who are at least trying to get things done. Which is a positive thing for me, as I desperately need to get back into shape and start doing my own studies and research.

I am not terribly in love with their coffee, the two I have tried out so far, isn't the greatest, though their Americano was actually pretty good. I guess it's going to take me some time to discover what is good in their coffee selection, but the atmosphere is so good, too good to pass up. The large window in the second part of their shop is almost irresistible, the soothing and indie music also, makes this place and inevitable favorite. When I am out here, I feel like I belong with the rest of humanity. My isolation seems to descent a little, even if it's for a while.

In the name of Frankness

Let's be frank. You and I. To each other, to ourselves. I had no desire to write this post, but it seems I can't help myself. I've started on a writing binge at midnight, at a library. I am not sure if that in itself is a wise idea, but I am not going to restraint myself about where I write and what I write. Not after everything I've been through this summer.

We truly do love each other, don't we? Sincerely, genuinely. Not only from the bottom of our hearts, but also with every ounce of our souls. We care like we have never cared for another, hopeful towards a future that we seem to be smitten and have smite one another. Enough to burn through anything, everything, anyone, everyone and one another.

I had never been loved so in this way, ever. I had never been held so tenderly in someone's heart, or the lights of their eyes been so warm in their glow as they looked at me. With you, from day one, I have been in uncharted seas and unknown categories. Everything with you has been so different and special to me in all the ways that I cannot begin to describe through or even decipher through them.

Was that our weekend?

I cannot believe that it's been nearly a whole week since that blow-off. Lately, all that seems to be on my mind is exactly that, word for word, tear to tear and scream to scream. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? It builds slowly and then, the moment you least expect it, something starts a blast off and it hurts, as if someone is tearing your flesh away from you. I have never given birth, but I like to think it's a lot like giving birth. You're happy it's coming out of you, but then, you're not so sure, you have doubts if it is the best time for it to come out and if you can protect it, or if you have done everything needed to protect it. It's also a very painful experience. So, at first, there is that feeling of being light headed, that is at the same time some what of a dizziness. Then, slowly the exhaustion rolls from deep inside of you somewhere you never knew existed, but even if you did, could never show anyone else. It's always somehow connected to the universe, like a black hole, it keeps growing throughout the years, going through evolutions and cycles, finally ending with some sort of revelation at the end, like God created the world in seven days. The exhaustion though, rolls in waves, starting from it's origin point of the black hole, then onto your mind. It grows numb. Your eyes and your extremities are next, slowly starting from the tip of your finger tips. Your mouth feels all weird, saliva is always seeping out and you cannot control it, though you always feel the wetness around the corner of your mouth. Then your shoulders stiffen regardless of the bulk of weight you have just dumped on the world, or someone else. The rest follows like it always does. You sleep like a log whether it be late at night, or early in the morning. You won't dream, you won't scream, you won't remember anything. You'll just sleep like you've been dead for centuries and wake up with even more tighter shoulders that you can't seem to stretch out. Then you'll replay the fight, the argument, whatever was the cause of this emotional toil that ended up bursting out, and eventually causing the weariness.

That was our weekend. The big fight, the big reason and we're both still trying to pick up the pieces from it. Trying to put our lives back the way it was and although happy we are, we still don't know if we can do it. But I think, Ive seen what was the most important thing for me to see. The genuine care, love and worth in your eyes. How very little you wouldn't do to get me back, or to keep me. That alone speaks volumes, that is something that was worth to see, even if it meant having all of this exhaustion.

Yarin icin umutluyum. Yarin sabah erken kalkip, butun dularimi vaktinde okumak, tesbihlerimi cekip, ibadetimi en ince ayrintasina kadar, hic araliksiz, hic durmadan yapmak istiyorum. Bunu yapabilcegimide dusunuyorum artik. Boyle bir duruma gelmeyi istiyorum, gelebilmeyi en azindan artik hayal ediyorum diyebilirim. Avuclarimin icinden, kaybolup giden halatlar gibi, gitmesini istemiyorum zamanin. Haddini bilsin istiyorum, bana artik hesabini versin. Bende ona vereyim. Birlikte, anlayaraktan, aware olaraktan gecsin su vakit, gonlumu daraltmadan.

Emotional Weariness

I had to think about that title for a while. I knew exactly what I wanted to say in Turkish, though translation into English, the more proper way to express my emotions took a while. A little longer than I had originally presumed.

This past weekend was more than what I had vouched for. It was more intense than anything I could have imagined or conjured up from the dormant desires of my blackened soul. Some fights, regardless of what the popular notion is, can be useful and can build up on a relationship. Although, generally negative and I tend to want to avoid all sorts of fights, sometimes they are necessary to remove build up tension, get rid of bad blood, get the truth out in the open. Though negative in nature, with the right circumstances and emotions, it can be converted into something positive.

Regardless though, it is a tiring process that leaves me sapped out. I don't have the energy to get up in the morning, no matter how early I've gone to bed the previous night. The whole day, all I want to do is just lounge around and day dream about all the things I have not achieved, things I had always taken for granted and always thought I would end up with, no matter what.

I am emotionally tired. Very tired. It feels like I had emptied everything that was inside of me. All of my thoughts that had ever passed by, or I thought up. Everything I had ever felt, all the built up tension, anger, disillusionment, disgraces, hatred, hurt or pain. It's like they've rolled onto a one hot ball that was chained to my chest, searing through my flesh, I gorged it out, leaving me in agony and in withdrawl. Now, it feels like there is nothing there. Some sort of emptiness I am not quite used to. This should be a familiar thing though, however, it feels like that was in such a distant past that I can't even relate to anymore. With the bad, all the positive also gorges out. All the good things I had accumulated throughout the years, they too leave me. My dignity, my honor, my respect, the calmness I had learned to cultivate after so many years. The patience I was testing out. They are also out in the open now, floating in the open air. Maybe, the molecules will somehow end up back inside of me, where they belong--at least partially.

The days start off late, I could never get everything in it's entirety done. There is always something else missing, something I've forgotten. The worst yet is that it is not consistent. While one day may be better than the other, in terms of getting things done and having some of my determination having returned, the next day though, is even emptier than the previous day, with no determination left and all of my motivation have been sucked dry out of me.

So what to do when you are emotionally weary...this weary at least that while you're struggling to survive through another day? When you have so much to do, so much to put into order and organize your life something into a functioning societal acceptance? You know you must, yet, there is just not enough effort going into it, and nothing in the world seems to make you want to achieve this desired goal?

Sleep it off probably sounds like the worst idea I could conjure up as a remedy. At this point though, to sleep until the weariness slowly wears off, and the day, at which point, whenever I end up waking up and make the best of it. At least to give me enough thrill to continue to want to change things the next day enough, to put me in a regular schedule that will leave me with a sweeter after taste rather than the bitter one.

Merak ediyorum, bakalim bu onumuzdeki hafta sonu, ne kadar neyi yapabilcez. Neleri konusup, neleri planlayip, neleri hayal edip, nelerin ustune yatip, uyucaz? Nelerden vaz gecip, neyin ne kadarini basarabilcegiz? Duzgun ve normal olsun istiyorum artik...Onsuz. Aramiza ikide bir girip, sizan, sonradanda moralimizi bozan, benim sinirlerimi hoplatan biri olmadan, gonlumuzden diledigimizce yasayan..yasiyabilcegimiz anlar, dakiklar, sonsuza kadar uzanan o derin, ve dolu dizgin duygular. Anilarinla, anilarimizda.

Turkish vs.English

I had to think about that title for a while. I knew exactly what I wanted to say in Turkish, though I decided that I have been writing way too many entries in Turkish and decided to switch it up. After all, English seems to be the language I am most comfortable with right now. It is the language I want to increase my proficiency, fluency and the elegance at which I write. Also, to steadily work on my style and voice.

Recently, with so much Turkish going on around me, whether it is speaking, hearing, or having intense conversations I have become isolated in Turkish and sometimes it feels as if I am slowly forsaking English. Though, Turkish is a beautiful language itself and sometimes I find myself I can best express my emotions in Turkish strictly, my interest is in having a better English at all costs in all ways possible.


I guess I have to put more effort into my studies now that I am living with a Turkish person.

Yoksun. Cok ozledim seni, cok ozluyorum seni. Kalbim aciyor sensiz. Sesin olmayinca, bir kor sessizlik olusuyor kulaklarimda, sonra o derin sessizlik, kalbimde yanlizliga donuyor. Cok derin bir yanlizlik, daha once hic yasamadigim gibi bir yanlizlik. En nefret ettigim, en korktugum yanlizlik...sensizlik. Lutfen, sakin kizma bana. Hep hayatinin bir kosesinde durayim.

Hmm...

It's strange to think about--at least for me. Thinking about how school has evolved and the struggles many students have overcome in bringing them education world to where it is today. How and exactly when has school gotten so important that without we can't seem to exist as independent thinking individuals. To find a decent job without a four year degree is near impossible. To get into schools is like the battles in Odyssey. In all of this, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I am loss in the chaos I have quite created by myself, the mess I have made quite unconsciously, but on certain levels and certain time periods, quite deliberately and consciously.  Now, I don't know what to do in order to clean it up, how to clean it up and it feels that it is quite possible that it is actually impossible to clean up after this time. I will live on strings, that are dark, hard, tense and long, trying to balance between the wound and where it hurts the most, while inching towards a goal that seems near nonexistent.

Questions that eats away at my soul at night

Will I see the light at the end of a tunnel, eventually? Will I ever catch the train at the right time, the first time around, understanding it's value and worth without losing it first and foremost? Will I get to where I have always been dreaming about? Everything seems out of place, out of order, and lost in this chaos, sometimes my goals feel close and at other times, everything that I have ever wanted to accomplish feels lost in this endless sea of my thoughts and in the circumstances that I have been living in...day to day. I am a little tired of that.

A little bit more of me goes away to the sea that I can't seem to recover once more. It feels like I am always battling just to keep my head above the water. It's a battle just not to drown. Trying to hold on to a piece of wood, afloat seems like a difficult thing to conjure up at this moment. It takes way too much faith that I actually do not possess at the moment. It feels like I am never getting there. An endless stream of obstacles that delays the inevitable. Afloat I go on.

I guess I am feeling very pessimistic about this whole thing. I miss being in school. I miss the vigorous academic work, the smell of old school buildings, the rush of trying to make it from one class to another and the mental exhaustion one goes through at the end of the day. I miss school.

Academic pursuits

It's a Wednesday that began with a lazy Monday. I am still playing catch-up. I fear, my play of catch-up at this rate is never going to end. Just as I get comfortable, the routine I have so delicately created ends up falling apart and I am scrambling by just to get the most basic of necessities and requirements needed to live.

Though I have to say, going to Wednesday Reading Groups have done wonders and going after a long time once more is going to create ripples along the surface of my soul that is going to get me the beckoning I needed one more time to get my act together.

I can only think more already within an academic setting, that requires more time, more management for me to get me to do my things. It only gets deeper if you're knee deep after all.

Bombs

Not quite literally. Not the one that people fight, argue about that physically destroys worlds and people and the lives they inhabit within their societies.

There are many kinds of bombs in life. People that are waiting to blow up at any given time, person, place. Just the right amount of mood has to be created and the opportunity given, with the right jabs at the right sore, tender places.

Then, there are ideas that are so explosive in content and brings out the radically polarized beliefs between two people that creates tension that you could hang your earrings on, they are potentially as dangerous as bombs. We avoid them to the best of our abilities and when it becomes obvious we can't, we all run of shelter and hope it all ends soon with the least number of casualties.

Next, there are places for whatever reason creates the conclusion we arrive at, being a bomb. Things like strip clubs between heterosexual couples. There are probably thousands more. Just the mentioning of it creates a fight, even if it's a silent one that creates awkwardness between the said couple.

Then, the big bomb of actions, which is usually the most common one that I have faced and had delightful chances of experiencing. This could be the combination of two or more items in the list mentioned above. It could even be all of them put together. A person from the past, put together with a certain place you've already established some sort of stigmatization for and certain actions this person has taken, your beloved has not been able to see it manifest or defend your relationship from, and the counter actions you have taken.

It builds momentum, waiting for the perfect time to strike, let out it's lead or whatever is stored in it to make it so explosive and then it goes, KABOOM just like in the cartoons. Sometimes, we fear it and then, in other times though, we make that bomb with our own hands with every intention of using it and creating as many fatalities as we can. We make it for that use only, to create a big bang and change the surrounding landscape to our own desire, so we can pick up the pieces together and start afresh.

I guess it doesn't always work out that way though. Sometimes, after letting go of the bomb, there can be aftershocks that hurts us too. The tremors that leave us in cowardice, fear, regret and deepened sense of hatred that slowly turns into despise.

My own bomb has blown up in my very own two hands.

Tumultous Weekend

What an emotionally draining weekend this was. My head is about to explode and the whole weekend has been wasted away from the emotional drainage we both suffered and endured this weekend. Overslept, unproductive and we just lounged around the house. We both became scattered brained without a moment to ourselves, our work, walking around eggshells, wondering what the next move is going to be. We're still trying to recover and my guess is by Wednesday night we still will be trying to recover, adjust, accept and embrace. Lucky us!

I will never forgive you for ruining the Friday night date I have carefully set up. I had given so much thought to every little detail you possibly cannot even imagine. Then it lays there in my memory in shambles. You came in between us when I wanted to celebrate our relationship, being together through all the times that had been in turmoil. I wanted to cherish "us" that night, and I wanted to do it in old fashion with a twist. A twist that was bound to have brought us closer. I wanted that night to be as close to perfection as it is humanly possible...yet, here it remains in shards in my hands, one edge piercing through my palms and the other through his. All because of you. Neither one of us deserved it. For as long as I live, I never want to hear your name again. We are where we are after much difficulty, much sacrifice and a whirlwind of a time where we just kept picking up ourselves, or finding ourselves in a certain circumstance, at a corner that we couldn't evade and dealt with it, better than most long term couples. So I wanted us to return to some sort of normalcy, to have regular Friday night dinners. Things, normal, loving couples do.

I don't want to have another weekend like this, at least for a very long time to come. My head still hurts and I feel trapped in a corner, no where to go. I feel even worst, angry for all the psychological torture you have put him through and now me. I want to write you a long spiteful email, but I refuse to sink down to your level too. We need a vacation.

Sunday Teas

I don't know if we were ready to have people over, but we did anyway. It's not like we were ready to mingle after all the difficulties of Friday and Saturday. The words, the conversation still rings in my ears and my heart still trembles in fear, in confusion, in hate and in admiration. Love seems to be dipping further into it's core and my soul feels warm somewhere so far away, that has become unfamiliar in the past four, five years of my life.

Sometimes though, it's great to get away from all of your problems. Some distance does do some good in order to come to the problem with a fresh set of eyes and a little more unbiased, a little more rational and a lot less frustrated. Some fresh air does wonders to the mind.

It also helps to get your mind off the problem by doing things that needs to occupy your mind with other things that also leaves no room for thinking other than what you already have focused on doing. It also helps when your guests leave promptly and on time.

Buyuk bir ucurum olusuyor icimde. Korkuyorum bu ucurumun getirecegi karanligi ve sessizligi. Bir firtinayi kaldiracak kadar dinc degilim artik.

Belki cok fazla yazdigimdandir, belkide cok fazla okudugumdandir. belkide idealist oldugumdan dolayidir. Ama butur olaylari kaldiramicagimi, benim bunlarla savasicak kadar bunyemin olmadigini anladim. Iyi, yada kotu. Herkesin bir siniri, herkesin cekebilcekleri ve cekemicekleri var. Buda benimki. Daha fazlasini yapamiyorum.

80 saat calisabilirim, her turlu guclukle basedebilirim. Incilsem bile, kirilmadan tekrar, tekrar hayata sarilip devam edebilirim. Bin kere tasinabilirim, yeniden, yeniden basliyabilirim birseye. Ama bu tur golgeler, butur gecmisler, benim tasiyamicagim kadar agir. Gunumu, gecemi bir birine katip, beni kendimden gecirip, beynimin icini yiyen, kemiren bir ses. Devamli. Hic durmadan. Buna gucum yok. Bunun icin cok yorgunum ben. Kendimi ispatlamaya calisan stage den coktan gecip, artik kavgasiz, gurultusuz, patirdisiz bir hayat pesindeyim. Islerimi, guclerimi yapip, bolca kitap okumanin pesinde olmaktan baska birsey istemiyorum.

Icimdeki bu yara, acilara yol aciyor. Kanattikca kanatiyor. Ya su beynimin icindeki sesler, beni devamli yiyip bitiren sesler? Supheli bakislar, inanmayan, yada daha dogrusu inanamayan, herseyin altinda baska bir sey arayan bir insan haline geli verdim. Bu kin, yada nefret, yada kiskanclik, yada hangi turlu kotu duygular bu hastalikli bakteri....ne demek istersen artik adina, beni alip goturup, olduruyor, ve ben buna artik mani olamiyorum.

Boyle olmucakti bir daha ya...

And, I just could not take it anymore. It all got so difficult.I had been battling with this on the inside, thinking it, then over thinking it and later on it turned into scripting, writing and then acting out. You might think it sounds healthy, but it's not. It's like I am possessed and I don't want to do any of those on the list above. The thing is I shouldn't have to. This could have been solved and the big snow bank could have been stop, miles ago, ages ago should someone had cared enough to do so. It's just that at this point I am inclined to make the conclusion that some people, particular in my life, like particular snow banks even though they don't understand how deeply their actions, words, gestures, the nonsense and insulting conclusions and assumptions, their sole existence hurts me.

Then for days, I battled with the tears, the urge not to cry and crying over stupid things, other than what I really wanted to cry about. The pain that seems to be roaming free, caged within my heart, as it tramples on it's floors, walls and ceiling.

I broke down and cried several times to several people, my heart bleeding and it isn't in my heart to pretend there is nothing wrong when I obviously feel something is very wrong, or that I am being deceived and lied to.

I want an erase button for you.

Autumn in Madison, yet?

Autumn seems to be coming to Madison slowly. The last days of summer seems to linger on, much to my appreciation. The last sunny days that are warm and thoroughly the tying in experience of my summer--summer that is both from hell and heaven simultaneously. I am not sure how I accomplished it this time around.

I saw the leaves slowly growing yellow and some have even begun to fall down and gather around the street, where no one besides me seems to notice the change. But I feel in the air and with the return of the students (duh, that one was easy) that everyone is eventually, more or less ready for the fall. People look ready to have a little more down time, a little more quality time, and a little bit more peace, back to productive beings of their societies...especially the youth.

I love this time of the air, and now off to eating apple candy...

Home

And there is nothing like peace at home. The domestic schedule that has fallen into a rhythm and follows a routine, most days. What else can I ask for? Especially in these dire times of mine. Though, those never really quite seem to cease. It seems that I am constantly in a state of panic, depression, desperation, worry, adrenaline and hopelessness.

Things like these become my source of motivation and allow me to continue on living, at least with some degree of humanity and shreds of hope that I too, someday, will have a better, changed and more efficient life that I am not constantly being consumed by one thing or the other. At least now, I have many things to be thoughtful, thankful and hopeful for. I at least have things that are partially going great and has the potential to become something great, given time, effort and prayer.

Food was set, eaten, cleaned, cake prepared and eaten with a movie, all by 10:30. This day, this week holds a promise. I think and I deliberately hope for a better time from now on.

I want to tear a new one in you, then tear you to shreds. I cannot for the life of me understand people who are so damn interested in the significant others of other people.

Yes, our individualities, our own friends from since long ago must remain. We must still give them a good amount of our times, though they also must understand that our lives have now changed (usually and hopefully for the better), like us, they must accept, embraces, respect and understands new sets of changes. They also must be mindful of such changes and set their expectations accordingly. You cannot expect a married person, or a person that is engaged, perhaps in a serious, committed relationship to devote time to you, everyday, day after day. It is absurd, unbelievable and disrespectful.

I have friends that are important to me, I have childhood friends that I treasure, cherish and still mean everything to me. I also have friends in my life here that mean a great deal to me and I continue to desire having their company, exchange stories and spend quality time with them. Yet, none of us expect the other to spend each day with the other, everyday, on a loop and expect to be raised at a pedestal, be worshiped and negatively criticize the other's significant other--at least not if we have not meet them first, and have been exposed to their negativity, or some sort of bizarre behavior.

So, what gets you off, someone who is much older and really should be hanging out with people from her age group to expect so much time of my significant other? Please hold these lines in your mind when your friends' statuses change.

Tek kelimeyle, cildirmak uzere

Not so happy in the face of these new revelations...But, my perseverance will pay off.