Ridiculousness

I am ridiculous in so many ways that sometimes it's rather pathetic. While it brings much joy to me in so many different circumstances and under certain contexts it highlights my ability to just really laugh it off. Sometimes, i find that adaptability and ability however, though rather morbid and disturbing. Have I mentioned it makes people laugh most of the time? Though, I have been known to possess crude and dark humor at times. So be forewarned.

When younger, I used to take many ( I mean everything here) things seriously and often there was no room left for humor in my life. It was a position that was taken by my brother, uncle, grandmother and many other family members. So I never was encouraged to be funny, (I doubt it was a decision that was made consciously by my family members. It was just that we already had many humorists and comedians in the family, one more would have been just absurd). I internalized as much as I aggressively and bitterly wore my emotions and adopted this vicious attitude at times. Everything was all fun and games, however just not humorous. It was a trait I lacked quite tremendously.

I think I had some serious issues--this is not to say that I still don't, because I seriously do. I never perceived comedy, being funny or being made fun of as things of aspirations. I never cared if people thought I was funny. Therefore, I had no motivation or desire to be funny. Being funny felt like an execution to me at the time. Being made fun of, or having funny traits seemed like a weakness, something I should not have to command respect and have a heavy presence. That was what I was more concerned about, to be respectable. I have no idea what got that into my mind, but that's all I could really think about well, till the end of my high school senior year. Only then, did it occur to me that humor, having the ability to freely laugh and the candid peace with yourself to be able to laugh at yourself your own mistakes was an admirable quality.

So, for the longest time, all of my attempts at being happy were well, awkward and rather off-putting. There were genuinely funny moments when I let myself go and the discrepancies between the two different cultures gave me enough room to be funny, which I craved. I wanted to be funny, but being closed off to humor, I had no idea what was funny, no appreciation of comedy and the subtly of humor. It was a foreign land for me, one which took me a long time to discover and acquire. Slowly though, I began understanding the American culture that was so foreign to me for many years. Movies in comedy genre, allowed me to understand the cultural references that defined "funny and humor". This enlightenment allowed me to enjoy stand up comedians and to see comedy in my own daily life. Still though, I sucked at being funny. My laugh began to be genuine and was free. At one point, in college, I hit my lowest point. In return, while my life literally sucked, I stopped taking myself seriously. I had made so many mistakes that nothing could have saved me at that point. All of my grace and my determination to be taken seriously, to be respected had dissipated and I've come to make peace with my faults and inner demons. I've learned to embrace the world, my goofy side and stopped worrying about being the fool. Of course, being a fool is not always a great thing, but at least I had lost the stigma I had attached to it. But I learned who I was, and that was someone who made many mistakes, someone who had a lot of prejudices, which I had shed by this time.

By becoming comfortable with who I was, which only came after learning and accepting this faulty make of a human, I laughed at myself a lot--sometimes when alone, sometimes when surrounded by others. I laughed at my self pity, I laughed at my self loathing attitude, I laughed at my rather rustic and cruel fate, I laughed at the ironic plot line of my life. I laughed at the unfashionable clothes I wore, the unfitting hair style and color I supported for a few years there. I laughed at my choice of men. I laughed at my instability and my klutzy behavior (often unintentionally). Over the years of reading loads of stories of all kinds, being in awkward situations (there is nothing more than awkward in my life) and honing my observation skills I've learned to make jokes that are best passable. I will never be a great comedian like my uncle who could make any crowd laugh. I, on the other hand cannot. My jokes often relies on heavy play of the word, personal information and close relationships. My imitations have never been great, though my imitation of my mother still is a crowd-pleaser wherever we go. My jokes rely heavily in the understandings of cultural discrepancies and bad translations.

It's not like I am seeking to be a comedian. However learning to stop taking myself so seriously and sharing the wonders of humor have done much to up lift my spirits and get me through some of the hardest and darkest times of my life.